Letting go of friendships
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Letting go of friendships
Hi All,
In responding to another thread about friendships I realized I could really use some experience, strength and hope about the recovery process and it's impact on friendships.
What I'm finding in the course of my recovery is that there are a number of relationships that I'm letting go of...it's happening despite my old patterns of hanging on NO MATTER WHAT. There are friendships that I'm realizing I have to let go of, sometimes because the other person is having a difficult time with my process/boundaries and they let me know that they're pulling away, or, what I'm also finding particularly evident now, is that as I get healthier I can no longer abandon myself on any level. I can no longer force myself to feel safe with people who are not safe. I am becoming incapable of betraying myself.
So that's all good, right? Yeah, except that I'm actively grieving and in all honesty, that s*cks!! Some of these people have known me for 10 or 15 years, and have held my hand through some really difficult stuff. It feels like I'm abandoning them and I feel really terrible about that. But it feels like it has to be "them" or "me", and, like I said, I'm increasingly incapable of betraying myself anymore so guess what? I have to live with (and work to change) the old messages of "I'm a terrible person for not being available to my friends in the ways that I've always been available."
On the heels of that I'm at a crossroads. I'm feeling like Alanon friends are my best bet for healthy, boundaried, responsive relationships. I'm not looking to date anyone in program but the friendships are essential to me. It feels safer to look for friends who are working a program. There is a much better chance that I will get to practice my tools and have that be a positive outcome.
On the other hand it feels like there's something wrong with me for not being able to create boundaries in the friendships I have, though I know that it's not just up to me...my friends have their own choices. Some of them are so unhealthy for me that I know I have to let them go, I can't possibly heal while being triggered all the time by their behavior. But it's like my heart is being ripped out over and over again. It's not unlike breaking up with my exA, now that I think about it, in terms of recognizing that I can't keep engaging in the same ways...ditto for my family of origin...
I guess I want them to understand. Just like I wanted my exA to understand. Oy. The things we find out we need to let go of...
Looking for your input, and ES&H about your own path to recovery with friendships.
Thanks,
posie
In responding to another thread about friendships I realized I could really use some experience, strength and hope about the recovery process and it's impact on friendships.
What I'm finding in the course of my recovery is that there are a number of relationships that I'm letting go of...it's happening despite my old patterns of hanging on NO MATTER WHAT. There are friendships that I'm realizing I have to let go of, sometimes because the other person is having a difficult time with my process/boundaries and they let me know that they're pulling away, or, what I'm also finding particularly evident now, is that as I get healthier I can no longer abandon myself on any level. I can no longer force myself to feel safe with people who are not safe. I am becoming incapable of betraying myself.
So that's all good, right? Yeah, except that I'm actively grieving and in all honesty, that s*cks!! Some of these people have known me for 10 or 15 years, and have held my hand through some really difficult stuff. It feels like I'm abandoning them and I feel really terrible about that. But it feels like it has to be "them" or "me", and, like I said, I'm increasingly incapable of betraying myself anymore so guess what? I have to live with (and work to change) the old messages of "I'm a terrible person for not being available to my friends in the ways that I've always been available."
On the heels of that I'm at a crossroads. I'm feeling like Alanon friends are my best bet for healthy, boundaried, responsive relationships. I'm not looking to date anyone in program but the friendships are essential to me. It feels safer to look for friends who are working a program. There is a much better chance that I will get to practice my tools and have that be a positive outcome.
On the other hand it feels like there's something wrong with me for not being able to create boundaries in the friendships I have, though I know that it's not just up to me...my friends have their own choices. Some of them are so unhealthy for me that I know I have to let them go, I can't possibly heal while being triggered all the time by their behavior. But it's like my heart is being ripped out over and over again. It's not unlike breaking up with my exA, now that I think about it, in terms of recognizing that I can't keep engaging in the same ways...ditto for my family of origin...
I guess I want them to understand. Just like I wanted my exA to understand. Oy. The things we find out we need to let go of...
Looking for your input, and ES&H about your own path to recovery with friendships.
Thanks,
posie
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 375
What kind of unhealthy behaviors are you talking about here?
I think it's very possible to still offer friendship to some of them as long as you reailze it's not your job to fix them. Be a listener but don't focus on fixing them or being angry with them that they are unhealthy? Perhaps they can benefit from your new healthy boundaries.
I had to cut a lot of my friendships because I tended to attract a lot of people that needed something from me. I'm a loner and never really have a lot of friends, so it was very hard. But I am so much happier now and so much less stressed out.
I think it's very possible to still offer friendship to some of them as long as you reailze it's not your job to fix them. Be a listener but don't focus on fixing them or being angry with them that they are unhealthy? Perhaps they can benefit from your new healthy boundaries.
I had to cut a lot of my friendships because I tended to attract a lot of people that needed something from me. I'm a loner and never really have a lot of friends, so it was very hard. But I am so much happier now and so much less stressed out.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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I have had to let go of many people from my life in order to find and then maintain my serenity. Some of those people brought me great joy and it was hard to "turn my back on" them. But at a certain point that joy turned to something else, the joy became less and less, and it was obvious those relationships were not good for me. I also have had to let go of loved ones from my life, not because of them but because of their family members, who are toxic to me. It is hard, no doubt, but through it all I have found that I am who I am whether I am "right" or I am "wrong" and I cannot change that. I also cannot continue to sacrifice ME and MY needs in order to accomodate someone else, keep someone in my life, or hold onto old sentiments, feelings and expectations.
I no longer feel guilty about it, when I have to leave someone else behind, because I no longer make myself responsible for them or their feelings. That is between them and their Higher Power.
Good thread, thanks for sharing. My advice is to make the best decisions for YOU, even though it feels selfish at first. It gets easier as you go on and the guilt will pass as you become stronger in your Recovery.
I no longer feel guilty about it, when I have to leave someone else behind, because I no longer make myself responsible for them or their feelings. That is between them and their Higher Power.
Good thread, thanks for sharing. My advice is to make the best decisions for YOU, even though it feels selfish at first. It gets easier as you go on and the guilt will pass as you become stronger in your Recovery.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hey Golden, the kinds of behaviors I'm talking about involve blame, telling me there's something "wrong" with me (whether that's said directly or indirectly), compulsive behaviors as coping mechanisms (alcohol, sex, pot--though whether they are addicted is not for me to say), getting involved in situations in my life where they have little business being (boundary issues)...that sort of thing. I'm combining 3 particular people in this post with regard to the behaviors. And yes, many of them NEED something from me. I'm so sick of being surrounded by people who need something. Yes, that's it...I'm SO TIRED on every level: physically, mentally, emotionally. I think that's why the "setting boundaries" is also so difficult--I'm getting exhausted setting boundaries with the same people, who are not going to respect them, and I still keep hoping they will!
L2L, good to read your words about not feeling guilty about it anymore, and how that passes with getting stronger in recovery. I guess I feel like this is a deeper and more involved aspect of recovery that I had not anticipated. But of course, it makes sense.
It's just feeling very sad right now. I miss the good times with these friends, and the memories hurt right now. I'm also fighting the urge to contact them. I'm trying to remember Step 1: We admitted we were powerless...
posie
L2L, good to read your words about not feeling guilty about it anymore, and how that passes with getting stronger in recovery. I guess I feel like this is a deeper and more involved aspect of recovery that I had not anticipated. But of course, it makes sense.
It's just feeling very sad right now. I miss the good times with these friends, and the memories hurt right now. I'm also fighting the urge to contact them. I'm trying to remember Step 1: We admitted we were powerless...
posie
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It sounds like you are growing and they are not. It sounds also like they are not healthy for you. I have discovered that being mostly alone with a very small number of like-minded friends is much better, healthier and more serene than having one constant unhealthy influence in my life. You can do this; the sadness will pass. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 375
Ah! Ah yes I understand now. I had some friends like that and unfortunately I did have to distance from them or cut them loose. 
I'm thinking of one "friend" in particular that I made about a year ago. She kept pushing her advice on me with me telling her very little and not expressing stress over my "issues." I always tried to ignore her fixes or advice or say, "I got it covered. Don't worry about me." The last I talked to her she didn't have a job and was renting a room from some guy on craigslist and they repossessed her car and she was still trying to tell me what was wrong with me!!! I said to myself, "yeah I think I gotta let this friend go."
I had a good friend at work tell me that I needed to cut these people out and I remember just not wanting to do it. When I finally did, I was very surprised to find out how much better I felt and stress free.
I'm thinking of one "friend" in particular that I made about a year ago. She kept pushing her advice on me with me telling her very little and not expressing stress over my "issues." I always tried to ignore her fixes or advice or say, "I got it covered. Don't worry about me." The last I talked to her she didn't have a job and was renting a room from some guy on craigslist and they repossessed her car and she was still trying to tell me what was wrong with me!!! I said to myself, "yeah I think I gotta let this friend go."I had a good friend at work tell me that I needed to cut these people out and I remember just not wanting to do it. When I finally did, I was very surprised to find out how much better I felt and stress free.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
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grieving these friends is what you need to do...write them letters perhaps?and not send them...helps...
I have let go and let god, with alot of my relationships...yep, it sucks....i feel alone, but knowing i am healthy...and no stinking thinking for me
I have let go and let god, with alot of my relationships...yep, it sucks....i feel alone, but knowing i am healthy...and no stinking thinking for me
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Posts: 566
L2L, fourmaggie, goldengirl, thanks for the support and suggestions. Ugh. I have come to realize that I hate to grieve. Trying to let myself go there, to not fight it, because if the last year has taught me anything it's that I'll feel better if I let go and let HP. Still not easy, huh?
Ow...
posie
Ow...
posie
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
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Give yourself permission! That's what I did. Imagine if you were in the hospital with cancer undergoing chemo completely exhausted with your hair falling out. You would absolutely have to focus on yourself and while I'm sure some still do, logically you would have no need to feel guilty for that.
I felt that I was at my "bottom" in my relationship life. I really needed to focus on myself. It was nothing personal to any of those "friends." (some weren't real friends) I still cared about them, but I couldn't give them what they needed. I needed to focus on me and maybe one day I can be helpful to people again, but will do so when I am more centered and in a healthier way. I'm no good to anyone else if I'm not well and centered anyway.
I felt that I was at my "bottom" in my relationship life. I really needed to focus on myself. It was nothing personal to any of those "friends." (some weren't real friends) I still cared about them, but I couldn't give them what they needed. I needed to focus on me and maybe one day I can be helpful to people again, but will do so when I am more centered and in a healthier way. I'm no good to anyone else if I'm not well and centered anyway.
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I was reading Lulu's post about her friend, and I had pretty much the same thoughts you've expressed here.
I've found that not only did I have an AH -- I also collected friends that somehow had similar behaviors. Even if they didn't drink, I had friends who were controlling or needed taking care of. Enter Codependent Me.
I've pretty much broken off contact with one friend, who made me feel worried about "doing something wrong" every time I saw her. I've backed way away from another, who kept starting her sentences with, "You know what you should do?"
To me, it's a sign of successfully taking steps toward a healthier life that I recognize unhealthy patterns in my relationships. Love -- and friendship -- doesn't have to last forever to have a value. At different points in our life, we need different things and different people and different relationships. Some relationships can grow and change with us, others can't. That's just life, and healthy.
But of course it hurts to break off relationships. It always does. And it's hard work to start new ones. But I think choosing relationships that support your recovery is a good thing.
I've found that not only did I have an AH -- I also collected friends that somehow had similar behaviors. Even if they didn't drink, I had friends who were controlling or needed taking care of. Enter Codependent Me.
I've pretty much broken off contact with one friend, who made me feel worried about "doing something wrong" every time I saw her. I've backed way away from another, who kept starting her sentences with, "You know what you should do?"
To me, it's a sign of successfully taking steps toward a healthier life that I recognize unhealthy patterns in my relationships. Love -- and friendship -- doesn't have to last forever to have a value. At different points in our life, we need different things and different people and different relationships. Some relationships can grow and change with us, others can't. That's just life, and healthy.
But of course it hurts to break off relationships. It always does. And it's hard work to start new ones. But I think choosing relationships that support your recovery is a good thing.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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I'm not an overly social person, and I tend not to be friends with people who don't know when to back off. However, I do have one friend who tends to isolate himself, says "maybe" to invitations and shows up or not according to his mood, and then complains about feeling left out.
Having spent a lot of time there, I understand how horrible and exhausting depression can be. But the minute he launches into self pity with me, the conversation is over. I still care about him, I know that it may take him a long time to understand that he's creating the very problems he's bemoaning, and it doesn't take away from his value as a person. But I can't help him, and so I just step back. When he got angry with me for accepting an invitation to go camping with another group of friends and turning him down, I told him I was sorry he felt that way but I didn't think I did anything wrong. And I don't feel guilty about that.
Having spent a lot of time there, I understand how horrible and exhausting depression can be. But the minute he launches into self pity with me, the conversation is over. I still care about him, I know that it may take him a long time to understand that he's creating the very problems he's bemoaning, and it doesn't take away from his value as a person. But I can't help him, and so I just step back. When he got angry with me for accepting an invitation to go camping with another group of friends and turning him down, I told him I was sorry he felt that way but I didn't think I did anything wrong. And I don't feel guilty about that.
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Wow, thanks, it's really helpful to read your responses. I had an insight a little while ago that you've all touched on by saying that friendships have a time when they "worked" and that time can end...at least, that's what I'm getting from your words. These people that I'm letting go of have, in the past, been my biggest cheerleaders. They've said kind things to me, they've encouraged me, they've held my hand through some really difficult situations and times. And now I'm turning my back (in my mind), I'm letting them go, they don't understand and I feel like such an abandoning, cruel, insensitive jerk.
And yet, I have to. I'm grieving this SO much. Methinks this has very deep roots in my childhood...
I desperately want this to feel better.
posie
And yet, I have to. I'm grieving this SO much. Methinks this has very deep roots in my childhood...
I desperately want this to feel better.
posie
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Life will take you there posie... and when you meet new healthier friends you'll be so grateful you went through this...
I am living through something similar and I am getting all emotional when I compare the people I consider friends now with the ones I had before....
iMHO you are not abandoning anyone, they are abandoning you with their behaviors towards you and now that your eyes are open you feel the need to protect yourself. This is good and healthy.
This too shall pass, mourning is difficult but its necessary for growth...
I am living through something similar and I am getting all emotional when I compare the people I consider friends now with the ones I had before....
iMHO you are not abandoning anyone, they are abandoning you with their behaviors towards you and now that your eyes are open you feel the need to protect yourself. This is good and healthy.
This too shall pass, mourning is difficult but its necessary for growth...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I'm getting exhausted setting boundaries with the same people
For the true friends that I have in real life (like 4 or 5) I don't even have to set boundaries... in fact when I am with them I can keep my guard down and open my heart totally... friendships are supposed to be relaxing and helpful and uplifting and fun!!
For the true friends that I have in real life (like 4 or 5) I don't even have to set boundaries... in fact when I am with them I can keep my guard down and open my heart totally... friendships are supposed to be relaxing and helpful and uplifting and fun!!
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Join Date: May 2010
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When my daughters addiction came to light I let alot of peole go...the ones who told me what to do...the ones who couldn't handle it, I am left with a few really good friends who are both fun, can listen w/out advice giving, and are not my therapists, but who will listen to what is going on in my life.
Other frienships have falen into the occasional meeting category and that's fine.Things change...will always change.Alalnon and buddihst treadings have really helped me let go of things..good and bad..someone said on here the other day"everything I ever let go of had claw mark on it".That was me for sure, not so much now.
As I get healthier I know more about what I want in my life..sounds like you do too.
Other frienships have falen into the occasional meeting category and that's fine.Things change...will always change.Alalnon and buddihst treadings have really helped me let go of things..good and bad..someone said on here the other day"everything I ever let go of had claw mark on it".That was me for sure, not so much now.
As I get healthier I know more about what I want in my life..sounds like you do too.
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You know, the other thing is, though, that some friends are hard to be around because they tell uncomfortable truths.
I have specifically one of those -- who has p*$$ed me off immensely by telling me to my face "you are slipping back into your codie behavior in relation to your RAXH" when I was just being nice... :rotfxko Yeah. So I've hung up on my friend and steamed about it for a while until the lightbulb appeared and I went, "Um... fiddlestix. He's right. I'm going out of my way to make things easy for RAXH that are really not my issue to deal with. I'm doing it a-effing-gain. *banging head against wall*"
And those friends, I don't want to be without. The ones that don't back down from telling me what I need to hear, even when I don't want to hear it. And sometimes, it's hard to tell the controlling bossy friend from the helpful truthtelling one. But I find that my gut usually tells me better than my brain.
I have specifically one of those -- who has p*$$ed me off immensely by telling me to my face "you are slipping back into your codie behavior in relation to your RAXH" when I was just being nice... :rotfxko Yeah. So I've hung up on my friend and steamed about it for a while until the lightbulb appeared and I went, "Um... fiddlestix. He's right. I'm going out of my way to make things easy for RAXH that are really not my issue to deal with. I'm doing it a-effing-gain. *banging head against wall*"
And those friends, I don't want to be without. The ones that don't back down from telling me what I need to hear, even when I don't want to hear it. And sometimes, it's hard to tell the controlling bossy friend from the helpful truthtelling one. But I find that my gut usually tells me better than my brain.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
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What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. -- Aristotle
Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness of one another. -- Eustace Budgell
"Your friend is your needs answered." -- Kahil Gibran
"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over." -- Samuel Johnson
"A companion loves some agreeable qualities which a man may possess, but a friend loves the man himself." -- James Boswell
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.-- Walter Winchell
A best friend is like a four leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.
Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
"Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit." -- Aristotle
A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.-- Anonymous
The language of friendship is not words but meanings. -- Henry David Thoreau
A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world. -- Leo Buscaglia
A friend is a present you give yourself. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.-- Albert Camus
Hold a true friend with both your hands. -- Nigerian Proverb
Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief.-- Swedish proverb
Count your age with friends but not with years - Anonymous
I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or better than friendship. -- Pietro Aretino
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he
falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
-- The Bible: Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.
We do not so much need the help of our friends as the confidence of their help in need. -- Epicurus
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!-- Doug Larson
An honest answer is the sign of true friendship.-- Proverbs 24:26
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.-- Anonymous
What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. -- Aristotle
Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness of one another. -- Eustace Budgell
"Your friend is your needs answered." -- Kahil Gibran
"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over." -- Samuel Johnson
"A companion loves some agreeable qualities which a man may possess, but a friend loves the man himself." -- James Boswell
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.-- Walter Winchell
A best friend is like a four leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.
Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
"Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit." -- Aristotle
A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.-- Anonymous
The language of friendship is not words but meanings. -- Henry David Thoreau
A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world. -- Leo Buscaglia
A friend is a present you give yourself. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.-- Albert Camus
Hold a true friend with both your hands. -- Nigerian Proverb
Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief.-- Swedish proverb
Count your age with friends but not with years - Anonymous
I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or better than friendship. -- Pietro Aretino
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he
falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
-- The Bible: Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.
We do not so much need the help of our friends as the confidence of their help in need. -- Epicurus
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!-- Doug Larson
An honest answer is the sign of true friendship.-- Proverbs 24:26
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.-- Anonymous
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