Untoxicated

Howdy ladies and gents!

Being a fellow alcoholic, I don't venture much into these parts of the board. I used to of course, in order to try to gain a perspective on what I was doing to my family, friends, and girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend).

I'm wondering if you might share with me, and ultimately yourself and others, what you might say or have said to your old self. The self that was just starting to see the signs of putting up with the things that you didn't deserve or shouldn't have had to deal with.

Certainly, there is something to be said about the strength and wisdom gained from going through it...at least I can say that about my battle with alcohol - I do understand the same may not be true for you. Still though, I would have had a very long and serious talk with my old self when I was just starting to realize the drink was taking me.

Given the opportunity, what would you say to your old self?

Learn2Live

I would say, "You are stronger than you think."

bookwyrm

Me, I'd say:

"Bookwyrm, you know you love him but you need to go get some counselling and back off for a bit. If its 'meant to be' then he'll still be there in a few months. You really do deserve better."

Whether I'd listen is another matter entirely!!

I'd very much like to avoid the pain and suffering thanks. I know it is supposed to be 'character building' etc (after 18 years with XAH my character must be the size of the Great Pyramid) but if I could avoid it and get my issues sorted out through counselling instead of living with an increasingly abusive, alcoholic control freak, I wouldn't feel like I've wasted most of my adult life.

I don't think I've gained much from living through it. If anything, it destroyed what little self esteem and self respect I ever had. Its the rebuilding in the aftermath that has real worth for me. Better now than never I guess but given the chance I would have liked to get my younger self to go sort her head out much, much earlier.

trapeze

I'd say "Focus on yourself, not him".

transformyself

That Indigo Girls ticket you can't find? It's in Suzanne's book.

posiesperson

I'd say to myself, "I promise I will be here for you, along with a HP, and this will pass--it will get so much better."

transformyself

JK- I'd tell her she's beautiful and wise and can take care of herself. To shift the focus back onto herself.

posiesperson

LOL, transformie...

Tally

I'd tell me not to be so desperate to settle for something less than I deserve.

FormerDoormat

I would say, "You are even lovelier than you think, and you have immense compassion for others. Now if you could just channel the same compassion for yourself, you will finally feel loved."

And I do. Thanks to the journey I traveled with an alcoholic teacher at my side. When Richard lost his battle with alcoholism, I found me. I could easily see what a lack of self compassion did to Richard; it was harder to see it in myself. It takes a long time and a lot of healing to see the gift in a lesson such as this. But it's there for the taking.

goldengirl3

I don't know what anyone could have said to me, I was in so much pain. Maybe I would have said,
"This is not the end of the world. You did not cause this. You are a great person. Do not continue to let this drag you down. Stop reacting to the alcoholic. It is enabling him. Here is a great forum...check out SR."

fourmaggie

You hit it for me TALLY...thank you

but i would also say....let go and let god

kia

hmm hard question that id prob say dont be so hard on yourself learn from it

ItsmeAlice

Good question to ponder!

I guess what I have finally learned after all these years and what I would say given the chance to go back are related in a way. Kind of a chicken and egg relationship.

I've learned the hard way that there is no point in talking to an active addict. No wit, wisdom, or logic is going to turn the tide. The addict has to hit bottom, however long the fall, all on their own. Going back to the moment where I realized my EX was an alcoholic and trying to reason with myself would be fruitless as I know now that I was deeply addicted to him by that moment. My codependency formed in childhood would undoubtedly believe, even staring my own self in the face, that I could change him and heal him.

Would I have learned of this powerlessness over addiction without living through his alcoholism and awakening to my codependency without living through it all? I say no.

Would this education even be needed had I not walked the path I did? Again, I say no.

If the wisdom were there to start, the path would have been different, but then the wisdom cannot be found without walking the path.

This is where I accept that what has been is what should have been and what will be is what should be.

Still would love to go back in time and see a few moments, but they have more to do with seeing those loved ones I've lost just one more time.

Great thread

Alice

FindingPeace1

I would encourage me to build a relationship to me. Who am I? What do I need? What do I want? What am I going to create for myself in MY life? What choices can I take that will support me getting the life I want?
Same stuff as I am working on now!

Babyblue

I'd say, "You are a gem and something to be valued and appreciated. He is lucky to have you."

I try to say this but somehow I have a hard time convincing myself of this

NYCDoglvr

I'd say: I know everything seems hopeless from where you sit but it really isn't.

LucyA

I'd want to say 'pull yourself together girl, you know better and are so much stronger' but now I think i'd have to hold back and give myself engouragement and tell me that I'll get it when I get it.

keepinon

Hold your boundaries..you put up w/ way too much sh&$!

bluebelle

I'd tell myself that my self-worth has nothing to do with the addict's behavior.