ibiza1

hi. happy new year. i have been going to aa for way over a year now and still finding it very hard to stay sober. i have had a very bad problem with the booze for about 17 -18 years now and during blackout the other day i went into the meeting. i can sort of remember going in there drunk but cant remember much else. i am very worried i might of said horrible things to people and upset them and acted ou of control. i am still drinking, and i feel very ashamed to go back to the meetings and that i will be judged and then i will drink on it. i havnt got any credit on my phone to call people from the meeting. and know one in the meeting as called me up. so it says it all what people think of me in there. what to do?

LittleKenny

If anybody understands what (fill in the term of choice here) things alcoholics do it's other alcoholics.
There are going to be people who are going to pissed at you for disrupting the meeting but in the end which one of us is without sin and willing to cast the first stone?
We've all been there(at least I know I have).
Even if you cannot contact anyone,go back to the meeting and ask forgiveness.
Use this opportunity as a tool to further your recovery.

julez

Ibiza, first things first....
We don't shoot our wounded. I'm sure you are feeling some shame about going into the meeting intoxicated, but you aren't the first who has done that, and you certainly will NOT be the last. We welcome you bach, each and every time. The important thing is to KEEP COMING!
Next, you say you've been in AA. Well are you going to meetings, OR are you WORKING THE PROGRAM?? Two TOTALLY different things there. If you are just attending meetings, listening to people, then leaving and not giving it a second thought, then my guess is that AA will not work for you. It isn't a miracle, and you have to ACTIVELY work the program and your recovery.
Please realize that you never have to do this again. You never have to worry what people thing again.
Just don't pick up the first drink, and you can't get drunk.
Get a God OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING in your life.
Keep going to meetings.
If you stick with the winners, you too can walk the path of recovery.

Nyte Byrd

Well, I don't know if when you say you have been going to AA 'about a year' was me back in 1984 and 1985 when I went for about a year and a half and kept using, and couldn't stay sober.....when I didn't really actually go to meetings consistently, like taking the suggestion of 90 meetings in 90 days seriously, or actually getting a sponsor, or actually reading the Big Book or getting involved in working the steps. And not really being the one who felt it was my responsibility to call others but always laid that on them instead. Heck, I even went to 5 meetings in one month! What else did those people expect of me?

But in 1987, when I came back, I made that commitment to do 90 in 90, got myself a sponsor, got a Big Book, maybe didn't read it right way....but went to meetings every day. And I asked for tel numbers every day from at least one person. And I did my best to call someone at times. Maybe they didn't all call me back. And after meetings I began to accept invites to go out for coffee to let others get to know me better and I even had to be the one to ask to go at times and stop looking for excuses to feel sorry for myself in feeling left out. I realized the 'wall' I put up made it as uncomfortable for those on the other side of the 'wall' to get over or around.

I had to be the one to make the calls more often and I called my sponsor every day. It was incredible how simple the answers always turned out to be. Sometimes they were so simple, it was stupid in a funny way. Another guy who was sober just a month longer, maybe 10 months, had just gone back out. He was going through a lot of the same issues I was. He was also doing a lot of the same things I was in AA. So it stood to reason to me that if HE went back out, so would I soon then. So I called him and asked him. What could I do that he didn't.

His answer? He said I did something already he didn't.

I called someone. I called him to talk about it. Well, DUHH!!! That phone can be heavy, can't it.

Don't give up on the meetings. I've been to a good handful of meetings when I was using back in 1984. I couldn't get a few days together back then. But I wasn't willing to do what it took back then. That's why they say 'meeting makers make it.'

Sometimes people tell me they've tried AA and went for a year. But when I personally get to talk to them more, I discover they actually went to about as many meetings in a year as some people go to in a month.

I love the ones who said they 'tried' it, and then I learn they went to 2 meetings only in the 6 months they were initially talking about. :rotfxko

Sasha4

I think that person might have rung you as they were concerned about you.

Go back to your meeting and apologise.

Hope you feel better soon

xx

ibiza1

thanks kenny. that has given me hope. will get back to meetings and ask for forgiveness and hope to manage to stay sober as i cant carry on the way im going.

ibiza1

thanks so much for the replys. it has helped. i havnt been working the programme as i should. ie as i need to get to more meetings . get sponser and work on the steps and read big book and i know this is what i need to do to stay alive a get sober.i still find it very hard to share in meetings i feel there is lots i could share about but find it very hard to let it all out but hopefully in time i will find it easier to share. thanks again for your replys

Isaiah

You can't shock an alcoholic by being drunk.

Embarrassed? I would be. And you might have miffed a few people at the meeting, but what are they going to say? "Sorry, we don't approve of alcoholics at our AA meetings."

As for being judged, yes, people judge. If you were at a meeting and someone came in loaded you would probably be making some opinions, right? And would you also hope that whoever that drunk was they would just never return and ruin the peacefulness you deserve at an AA meeting? Would you think, "what a scumbag, glad I am so much better than he his"...?

Also, "I will be judged and then I will drink on it" is alcoholic-speak for "if I think people have less of an opinion of me it'd be a good opportunity to get drunk."

stephnc

I went to a meeting once after taking some unknown quantity of Ambiens and drinking some even less known quantity of wine (I didn't drive, a friend took me) and according to what I was told, I staggered in and laid down across three chairs for the duration of the meeting. After it was over and as I was walking back to my friend's car, an older woman looked at me and asked, "Honey, are you on your way up or are you coming down?" Thank God I can laugh about it today (and so can everyone else who was in the meeting that night).

Nyte Byrd

Just something to think about. I don't know if anyone has ever been to a meeting where they have seen someone been told there "We don't think we can help you.".

Most I know have never been witness to that before.

I have never seen it before myself.....but one time.

And the only reason I have is because I was the person that was told to back in 1985 in NY by someone speaking for the fold, too. I had frustrated that poor group in Mt. Kisco for that year and half, on and off, with my conditions on my sobriety, expecting them to first fix all my outside issues first. And I can't say I blame them.

Well, when I told someone in 1985 I wasn't coming back to the meetings anymore, cause I couldn't say sober and being they said they couldn't help me anyway, I was told, 'that was okay...'some' of them would still be there if I ever wanted to come back. And when I came back in 1987, they were right. "Some" of them were. Matter of fact, it seems that about 20% of them disappear every 5 years since because they simply lose their willingness to listen. And now, I can only tell others who think about giving up, that it's okay....if they ever wish to return, 'some' of us will still be there. I can only hope that it's in God's good Graces that I will still be one of those 'some' who will still be here when and if they do.

coalfury

I echo what everyone else has said: alcoholics know exactly where you are because they've been there.

I went to a lot of meetings drunk/ or still drunk from the night before. It took me a solid month of hitting a meeting, buying a bottle, hitting a meeting, hitting the bar. I sat in the back of the room, staring at the legs of the folding chair in front of me to keep from swaying.

Eventually, I raised my hand as a newcomer. I haven't had to drink, since.

But if I would have been chased out of the meetings...well, then there's simply no where else to go, is there?

i wrote something about this in 'forgiveness', a daily reflection from a few days ago if you want to check it out. (whiskeyandporn dot com)

Anna

I'm glad you're continuing to seek support.

Nyte Byrd

From my point of view, no there's not. It was the last house on the block. Initially, while some were sharing how they went to meetings 'to keep balance in their life' and such, I couldn't understand at first....all I could relate with was...I had no other freaking place left to go.

It's no wonder after a year and a half of me nearly wasting that group's time with my games, they told me they could no longer help me....and who could blame them?

Some times on posts, I see some think others may be too harsh with some who keep asking for help over and over and it becomes obvious they aren't willing to do what it takes anymore than I was back then till I was ready. But those people actually weren't being too harsh with me and others weren't being too harsh when they realize pushing them to the curb is better when the bus is getting ready to hit them, than a pat on their back, which is probably only enabling them because they're only looking for sympathy. They're only taking the suggestion of what the Big Book states. "Don't waste time on any one person'.

There are too many others who sincerely want the help.

And it's another good reason to attend AA meetings, because it's a lot easier to ascertain who's for 'real' than someone on a forum board. For all I know, some one on occasion could just be playing some troll game on line like they do on other forums I've seen.

I've often been thankful, in hindsight to the ones who were tough with me for being honest with me to let me know what I needed to hear, whether I was ready to hear it or not. I had a lot of growing up to do and those people knew it and called me out on it.

Comments offered on a forum board are read by many and they don't necessarily have to be directed to the originating poster. Anyone can read what's posted and get something out of what people post. It's not always
a "ME" thing. And it's not always what's said. It's more what's 'read'.

Congrats on remaining sober.

Antiderivative

As the sayings goes, "Keep coming back" and "Don't leave before the miracle happens".

It is just a simple suggestion, but I would go back, but go back sober next time and focus on how to surrender to that first drink. It is really that simple, albeit not always easy.

If you need to make amends, then make them, but don't beat yourself up over this incident. In my experiences, the only amends you need to make are probably to yourself. When I got drunk and woke up with guilt, it was usually guilt towards myself since I knew I was doing something horribly wrong (i.e. pouring booze down my throat in massive amounts). I also felt anxious and fearful about my previous actions since I usually didn't remember all them in a clear fashion.

Typically, I was just a lush and many people were not upset over how I drank or acted. If anything, they were concerned. However, your situation may be different. You may have said regrettable things. I am just saying this because usually how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us are different and I am the type of person who is hard on himself.

Nonetheless, go back. Go back sober and learn some skills on how to stay away from that first drink.

Bests,

ibiza1

thanks again for all your replies it has made me feel loads more positive this evening. im hoping for a new start again although i have said it so many times. i have tried lots of other things before to help me stay sober like ant abuse and campral and years of counciling etc but never worked so hopefully if i put more effort into aa and work it i will be able to get and stay sober, its going to be hard but its better then drinking every day and would love to get my self asteem and confidence back as i feel like rubbish and worthless at the moment, well i have for years. and would be good to get get my looks back as im looking very drawn and getting yellowish eyes and feeling very deppressed when i dont drink i have no motivation.

eddie73

The likelihood is that u just babbled. I doubt u could have shocked many at that meeting. I suspect if you did get aggressive, you would have remembered it!

Nyte Byrd

It's been 23 years now,,,,and that's the one thing I still can't figger out. I, too, had been for so much prior help.
The most professional help you can think of. Priests, psychiatrist, methadone program counselors, therapists.....but I go to AA and after maybe six months I begin to get a little critical of others initially of what some were sharing. So I would go to my sponsor and tell him about it. And he would always tell me the same thing. "You need to understand. There's some sick people in these rooms!".

So, I would think....I go see ALL those professional people....and none of them could help me stay sober.

But you put me in a room with some sick people....and I get well!!! Go figger!!

Kmber2010

Glad you are picking up Ibiza and there is much good support and experience here in this thread.

Keep it going!

RV GTO

If you were that bad off, somebody would have said something by now and nobody in their right mind would ever let you drive away on your own.

I did hear of one incident where someone showed up drunk - the main concern was getting that person home, nothing else became of it.

Justfor1

I showed up for a early morning meeting drunker than heck. I was in a total blackout and was later told that I was trying to remove the giant 12 step plaque from the wall! I spilled coffee all over the place and even accused an old timer of being a fraud and that he goes to the bar I went too. Everyone did talk about that incident for months until another drunk showed up at the club. Today I can look back and realize that I really did want sobriety if I staggered to an AA meeting while under the influence.