Gaaaaaaaaah
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Gaaaaaaaaah
What a moronic troglodyte, controlling, flying piece of bird poop!!!?! :;(()$&)&(,$)(&$!'!',!!!!!? The invectives can go on and on and on and on........ And on.......
Today was the deadline for XAH to bring back the truck loads of DS's toys and my stuff that he took. He was supposed to schedule a day and time. Not just show the F up at our place...... I do not want to see him. He still scares me. There is still a no contact order in place.
DS and I walked out the door and they pull up to the house. No email saying 'we'll be over at 5:30 on Friday.' Nothing. No call from the GF. I literally felt like turning and running. I'd just locked the door, so I couldn't run back into the house. I was effectively cornered.
To top it off, they brought one garbage bag full of stuff I've never seen before and a plastic grocery store bag of old (read way too f-ing small) clothes that GF or XAH bought for DS this past summer for visits. So NOTHING that he'd taken.
He admitted in front of GF that he still had the washer and dryer and my skis; that they were just in a connex, and he would just drop the connex in the driveway for me and my dad to deal with. WTF?!? Now he's PO'd at my Dad?!??? Oh, right. Dad came to the hearing and heard all the cr-p XAH did to me.
Why would he not bring DS's toys when they're just sitting in his friend's garage? Why would he want my stuff? He can't wear it. GF is too tall for my clothes and cross country skis. Maybe he gave her my jewelry. I don't know.... I know he didn't like my books. Told me repeatedly they were stupid....
Deep breath. It's just stuff........
But it's DS's stuff. It's my stuff.
And he told the court oh so reasonably that he'd give it back to me. That it would be easy to do so. I keep expecting him to behave like a reasonable adult. He's not. I don't think he ever will be.
I had hoped for much better from the GF. I had hoped XAH would obey the court. So I'm still expecting some one to be able to control XAH.
This evening, I sent GF an email asking if we could schedule the next stuff drop off. That it scared me to have XAH show up unplanned like that. That if she is not afraid of her ex, then I envy her. I begged her to never surprise me like that again. Since she'd emailed me that XAH was going to drop off the child support paperwork and a letter from his employer about his overtime as ordered by the court, I let her know he did not turn in the letter. (I feel very childish about having written that sentence now.)
I also told her that I understood she'd taken on the role of making sure XAH did everything the court asked him to do. If she ever felt uncomfortable doing that or if she thought I was telling her too much, to please let me know.
It has taken 6 hours to get rid of the anxiety generated by seeing him again. And that is with playing with DS and snuggling our new kitty....
It has helped me see I'm still stuck on step 1. And that I still expect the court and GF to crontrol XAH in some manner.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Today was the deadline for XAH to bring back the truck loads of DS's toys and my stuff that he took. He was supposed to schedule a day and time. Not just show the F up at our place...... I do not want to see him. He still scares me. There is still a no contact order in place.
DS and I walked out the door and they pull up to the house. No email saying 'we'll be over at 5:30 on Friday.' Nothing. No call from the GF. I literally felt like turning and running. I'd just locked the door, so I couldn't run back into the house. I was effectively cornered.
To top it off, they brought one garbage bag full of stuff I've never seen before and a plastic grocery store bag of old (read way too f-ing small) clothes that GF or XAH bought for DS this past summer for visits. So NOTHING that he'd taken.
He admitted in front of GF that he still had the washer and dryer and my skis; that they were just in a connex, and he would just drop the connex in the driveway for me and my dad to deal with. WTF?!? Now he's PO'd at my Dad?!??? Oh, right. Dad came to the hearing and heard all the cr-p XAH did to me.
Why would he not bring DS's toys when they're just sitting in his friend's garage? Why would he want my stuff? He can't wear it. GF is too tall for my clothes and cross country skis. Maybe he gave her my jewelry. I don't know.... I know he didn't like my books. Told me repeatedly they were stupid....
Deep breath. It's just stuff........
But it's DS's stuff. It's my stuff.
And he told the court oh so reasonably that he'd give it back to me. That it would be easy to do so. I keep expecting him to behave like a reasonable adult. He's not. I don't think he ever will be.
I had hoped for much better from the GF. I had hoped XAH would obey the court. So I'm still expecting some one to be able to control XAH.
This evening, I sent GF an email asking if we could schedule the next stuff drop off. That it scared me to have XAH show up unplanned like that. That if she is not afraid of her ex, then I envy her. I begged her to never surprise me like that again. Since she'd emailed me that XAH was going to drop off the child support paperwork and a letter from his employer about his overtime as ordered by the court, I let her know he did not turn in the letter. (I feel very childish about having written that sentence now.)
I also told her that I understood she'd taken on the role of making sure XAH did everything the court asked him to do. If she ever felt uncomfortable doing that or if she thought I was telling her too much, to please let me know.
It has taken 6 hours to get rid of the anxiety generated by seeing him again. And that is with playing with DS and snuggling our new kitty....
It has helped me see I'm still stuck on step 1. And that I still expect the court and GF to crontrol XAH in some manner.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
What does he think a no contact order means?!! You're right. It is only stuff. But still. No contact order means he ought to think twice about crossing your path. You don't need this crap - he's supposed to keep away from you. Is there any way of someone enforcing it or is it just a piece of paper?
I've found snuggling with kitties helps me. I'm going to go find one and snuggle the heck out of it - whether it wants snuggled with or not! <Mystic Meg sees a visit to the emergency room with major lacerations in my future if I'm not careful!>
Hang in there - you handled it well. I doubt I'd have been very coherent in your place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
What a moronic troglodyte, controlling, flying piece of bird poop!!!?! :;(()$&)&(,$)(&$!'!',!!!!!? The invectives can go on and on and on and on........ And on.......
And that I still expect the court and GF to crontrol XAH in some manner.
Ah yes, uncertainty, I remember these feelings well.
"I have something from the "court" now, he must follow these orders or get in trouble!
"Nobody wants to get in trouble with the court do they? Certainly, not me!"
When I was young and naive (okay, not so young, but afraid of authority figures, and have only recently grown used to them) I believed my ex would follow the rules, because they were fair and reasonable.
Of course, to him, they were completely unfair and unreasonable. So, he would show up at my house drunk and demand to see "his" children. They would hear him at the door and come out, happy to see him. I become bad mommy because I dont think a trip to Walmart for toys is a great idea at 2200 on a school night.
But, I remembered the fact it was my house. I dont have to answer the door. I can call the police and tell them he is breaking the rules. I dont expect him to respect the rules, and I cant make him, but the police can. They can and they did.
the moral of the story, dont let ole poopy pants get you down, this was some kinda power play for the woman he is toting around with him. too bad she cant see that if he treats you like that, what is in store for her?
and, i took to calling my ex poopy pants when my daughter told me she saw some in his truck. LOL
not funny for my daughter, but when it came to my mind, he didnt seem so all powerful.
why bring the girlfriend around for this part of the drama?
geez, the ole poopy pants play. old as the hills, try to deal and move on.
Beth
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Just wanted to throw you some support and encouragement.
I think you handled yourself very well.
In the midst of the chaos, you kept yourself in reponse (vs. reaction) mode while maintaining your serenity. Good on you!
Your recovery is showing and it looks good on you!
I think you handled yourself very well.
In the midst of the chaos, you kept yourself in reponse (vs. reaction) mode while maintaining your serenity. Good on you!
Your recovery is showing and it looks good on you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Of course Pelican is right.
You are getting better at this every time uncertainty.
I am so immature, I wanted a chance to tell my poopy pants story.
sigh..............
when will i ever grow up.
Yep, handled yourself very well.
You are getting better at this every time uncertainty.
I am so immature, I wanted a chance to tell my poopy pants story.
sigh..............
when will i ever grow up.
Yep, handled yourself very well.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
What I've discovered about court orders through this whole ordeal is this, court orders are for people who follow rules and do as they are told by the powers that be.
People like, well, you and me and Bookworm and Beth and probably Pelican, and probably most of the responsible adults on this particular forum.
Fact is, you can have a pillow case full of court orders telling axh what to do and how to behave, and he's still gonna do whatever he wants to do.
Of course if you had the time and the resources, you could drag him to court every time he doesn't do what he is supposed to do. It's up to us to "enforce" the court orders.
I'd pick my battles. Clothes and skis and toys are cheaper to replace than a lawyer is to hire to enforce their return. Your safety and serenity and peace of mind, that is probably worth the expense. He would probably be found in contempt and have a fine to pay and lawyer fees. It MIGHT stop him from doing it again. But then, his GF would probably pay all that.
Yes, I'd probably decide NOT to live in fear every time I walked out my door, I'd take whatever measures necessary to fix that. I'd also dispense with the emails to the GF, it's a little like tattling to his mom, won't do squat anyway. There's no reasoning with unreasonable people, I'd stop trying.
I think he's a coward and a bully, he thinks you don't have the moxie to back up the court order to stay away from you.
My axw, after the first summer visitation, after I'd been granted sole custody, decided to just keep LMC and enrolled her in school. Kept telling me to have my lawyer contact her lawyer. I didn't have a freakin lawyer. I figured I'd just call the court and tell 'em and they'd arrest her....wrong. And I know like I know, like I know, that scumbag of a lawyer of hers advised axw to "just keep her", see what he does.
Cost me $1700 when it was all said and done, and the judge refused to allow me damages. Had to go down there and pay 2 sheriffs to "jump" her outta school. I even had to get two Al-Anon buddies to drive me down there, cause my crap car wouldn't make it. She got a $500 fine for contempt, and a 3 day suspended sentence in jail. But she hasn't fu*ked with me again in over 4 years.
You gotta decide what your serenity is worth.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
People like, well, you and me and Bookworm and Beth and probably Pelican, and probably most of the responsible adults on this particular forum.
Fact is, you can have a pillow case full of court orders telling axh what to do and how to behave, and he's still gonna do whatever he wants to do.
Of course if you had the time and the resources, you could drag him to court every time he doesn't do what he is supposed to do. It's up to us to "enforce" the court orders.
I'd pick my battles. Clothes and skis and toys are cheaper to replace than a lawyer is to hire to enforce their return. Your safety and serenity and peace of mind, that is probably worth the expense. He would probably be found in contempt and have a fine to pay and lawyer fees. It MIGHT stop him from doing it again. But then, his GF would probably pay all that.
Yes, I'd probably decide NOT to live in fear every time I walked out my door, I'd take whatever measures necessary to fix that. I'd also dispense with the emails to the GF, it's a little like tattling to his mom, won't do squat anyway. There's no reasoning with unreasonable people, I'd stop trying.
I think he's a coward and a bully, he thinks you don't have the moxie to back up the court order to stay away from you.
My axw, after the first summer visitation, after I'd been granted sole custody, decided to just keep LMC and enrolled her in school. Kept telling me to have my lawyer contact her lawyer. I didn't have a freakin lawyer. I figured I'd just call the court and tell 'em and they'd arrest her....wrong. And I know like I know, like I know, that scumbag of a lawyer of hers advised axw to "just keep her", see what he does.
Cost me $1700 when it was all said and done, and the judge refused to allow me damages. Had to go down there and pay 2 sheriffs to "jump" her outta school. I even had to get two Al-Anon buddies to drive me down there, cause my crap car wouldn't make it. She got a $500 fine for contempt, and a 3 day suspended sentence in jail. But she hasn't fu*ked with me again in over 4 years.
You gotta decide what your serenity is worth.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi-
i agree with coyote, pick your battles wisely. the main issue that i see here is that he feels he can violate the court ordered no contact and just appear at your home as he pleases. if it was me, i would pursue action to stop that behavior. it is your home and you have every right to feel safe there. i would call the police and communicate that he broke the order and see if they can have a word with him. or, a letter from your lawyer might be enough to scare him.
this also helps to document the occurrence, in case you have future custody issues with him.
as for the stuff, i would probably let it go. for me, it wouldn't be worth the loss of peace. trying to get it would just make me bonkers and cause further anxiety for myself.
i would also stop communicating with the girlfriend about anything other than visitation. i think it's ridiculous, actually, that you are expected to negotiate with his girlfriend...that must take it's toll on you for obvious reasons.
naive
i agree with coyote, pick your battles wisely. the main issue that i see here is that he feels he can violate the court ordered no contact and just appear at your home as he pleases. if it was me, i would pursue action to stop that behavior. it is your home and you have every right to feel safe there. i would call the police and communicate that he broke the order and see if they can have a word with him. or, a letter from your lawyer might be enough to scare him.
this also helps to document the occurrence, in case you have future custody issues with him.
as for the stuff, i would probably let it go. for me, it wouldn't be worth the loss of peace. trying to get it would just make me bonkers and cause further anxiety for myself.
i would also stop communicating with the girlfriend about anything other than visitation. i think it's ridiculous, actually, that you are expected to negotiate with his girlfriend...that must take it's toll on you for obvious reasons.
naive
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
You did a great job! You could have started yelling and screaming and squawking. You didn't. You handled yourself with composure and maturity. You recognized that going to Crazytown with him wasn't going to help the situation, just make you...crazy. LOL!
We all have those feelings of helplessness and anger when we deal with our As. That's the nature of the beast. For awhile, we have to force ourselves to go through the motions...fake it till you make it! Eventually, your inner feelings will become reflective of your outward behavior.
We all have those feelings of helplessness and anger when we deal with our As. That's the nature of the beast. For awhile, we have to force ourselves to go through the motions...fake it till you make it! Eventually, your inner feelings will become reflective of your outward behavior.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Today was the deadline for XAH to bring back the truck loads of DS's toys and my stuff that he took. He was supposed to schedule a day and time. Not just show the F up at our place...... I do not want to see him. He still scares me. There is still a no contact order in place.
If you want your stuff, you might have to go around him to get it. And you might have to do it yourself.
I hope you are feeling better. It's hard not to be all wound up going through these things I know but try to give yourself a break. Takes a while for everybody to settle into their new roles. I recommend peace and avoiding court unless it is really serious. The $ it will take on both your parts is better put in savings for your little one.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
L2L has a point. If you want your stuff maybe take charge. The deadline has come and gone so you have a teeny tiny amount of leverage in that. Do you know where the stuff is at? Send an email and say you'll be there on x day at y time to get your stuff and he'd better not be there. Have someone with you to vouch for what you took. Send it certified letter and all. Get your stuff, be done with it, and mark it off your list of things to deal with him over.
I let go of a lot of stuff. Part of me does not regret that because I needed to move through the process. I picked my battles. Part of me wishes I'd have had a little more tenacity. It is just stuff but I don't have an abundance of stuff so.....
I let go of a lot of stuff. Part of me does not regret that because I needed to move through the process. I picked my battles. Part of me wishes I'd have had a little more tenacity. It is just stuff but I don't have an abundance of stuff so.....
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I"m just going to restate Naives post here, because it makes so much damn sense.
I hope you're feeling better, and soon able to let go, release it. then you can sort out a strategy.
hugs!
naive
I hope you're feeling better, and soon able to let go, release it. then you can sort out a strategy.
hugs!
i agree with coyote, pick your battles wisely. the main issue that i see here is that he feels he can violate the court ordered no contact and just appear at your home as he pleases. if it was me, i would pursue action to stop that behavior. it is your home and you have every right to feel safe there. i would call the police and communicate that he broke the order and see if they can have a word with him. or, a letter from your lawyer might be enough to scare him.
this also helps to document the occurrence, in case you have future custody issues with him.
as for the stuff, i would probably let it go. for me, it wouldn't be worth the loss of peace. trying to get it would just make me bonkers and cause further anxiety for myself.
i would also stop communicating with the girlfriend about anything other than visitation. i think it's ridiculous, actually, that you are expected to negotiate with his girlfriend...that must take it's toll on you for obvious reasons.
this also helps to document the occurrence, in case you have future custody issues with him.
as for the stuff, i would probably let it go. for me, it wouldn't be worth the loss of peace. trying to get it would just make me bonkers and cause further anxiety for myself.
i would also stop communicating with the girlfriend about anything other than visitation. i think it's ridiculous, actually, that you are expected to negotiate with his girlfriend...that must take it's toll on you for obvious reasons.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Just wanted to say, the court amended the no contact order to allow for him to schedule the drop off. I left out that part. The judge very clearly asked him if he could do that. He very reasonably agreed. The judge very clearly reiterated the requirement. He very clearly stated the no contact order was still in place except to schedule this return and to discuss DS.
Yes I know my expectations that he would act in a reasonable manner were stupid. Yes I know it's just stuff. I am trying to work on my expectations. Because he told the court he would do it, I got my hopes up again that he would be nice and then he utterly failed to be even reasonable. I know he's a piece of s--t and there was a reason I left him and I was divorcing him.
If I seem curt, please know I'm not mad with what any one has posted here. It has been very helpful. I am mad at myself for falling into this again.
Coyote, I had previously held the belief that locks only keep the honest people out. Yep, same thing with the court apparently.
I did talk to my lawyer about him just showing up and she said that I should just e-mail him to tell him not to ever do that and remind him about the stipulations of the no contact order and that he was supposed to schedule the drop off, which I'd already done. She said that short of him physically harming me or clearly threatening me, the court wouldn't do anything about him showing up and that I'll have to learn how to not be afraid of him some how. Which I know is the truth, that eventually, I'll have to be in the same room as him at a school function or.... She stated that his drinking was the big factor right now, but that DS's short phone call with him wasn't enough either.
I am done with talking with the GF. I'm done reading her e-mails. I should not have read the last one. She told me it was all my fault and that XAH finally has some one who understands and supports him and he LOVES her, her boys and DS and if I can't see that then I'm the one with a problem and she hopes I can get over it because he has changed and she loves him and DS. That she would never allow him to treat her like I say he treated me because she was raised to be strong and smart.
I am trying really hard to not change my wish that he never does to her what he did to me.
I'm also trying really hard not to feel guilty for my thoughts that if I just let them take DS and be the fat happy family they think they'd be, I could run, leave; I would never, ever have to see XAH again. Because I know I would never act on those fleeting thoughts and I don't think I could ever not see DS. Not without serious loss of will to live.
But I'm afraid, guys. I'm afraid of what if my fear of him does become so acute, that I do just hand DS over to them and leave? It would not be fair or good for DS. I'm so tired of hearing from every one (court, GF, lawyer, family...) that I have to learn to how be around XAH because he's going to be in DS's life forever. I know this. But the idea of forever terrifies me. 'Be careful what you wish for, because the gods may grant it.' Now he's in my life always. The knowledge that it's all on my shoulders to try to be reasonable, because he never will be; that I have to try to get along with him and he can just sit there and continue to be the abusive jerk he is and I just have to try to learn to live with it. It's too much guys. Some times it is way too much.
Another fear: What if my instinct that he's abusive towards me is wrong, was always wrong? What if my motivation is really like they say that I'm just jealous because he found his love?
So more rambling. Today I have been really hard on myself and I'm trying to stop it. But d----.
Yes I know my expectations that he would act in a reasonable manner were stupid. Yes I know it's just stuff. I am trying to work on my expectations. Because he told the court he would do it, I got my hopes up again that he would be nice and then he utterly failed to be even reasonable. I know he's a piece of s--t and there was a reason I left him and I was divorcing him.
If I seem curt, please know I'm not mad with what any one has posted here. It has been very helpful. I am mad at myself for falling into this again.
Coyote, I had previously held the belief that locks only keep the honest people out. Yep, same thing with the court apparently.
I did talk to my lawyer about him just showing up and she said that I should just e-mail him to tell him not to ever do that and remind him about the stipulations of the no contact order and that he was supposed to schedule the drop off, which I'd already done. She said that short of him physically harming me or clearly threatening me, the court wouldn't do anything about him showing up and that I'll have to learn how to not be afraid of him some how. Which I know is the truth, that eventually, I'll have to be in the same room as him at a school function or.... She stated that his drinking was the big factor right now, but that DS's short phone call with him wasn't enough either.
I am done with talking with the GF. I'm done reading her e-mails. I should not have read the last one. She told me it was all my fault and that XAH finally has some one who understands and supports him and he LOVES her, her boys and DS and if I can't see that then I'm the one with a problem and she hopes I can get over it because he has changed and she loves him and DS. That she would never allow him to treat her like I say he treated me because she was raised to be strong and smart.
I am trying really hard to not change my wish that he never does to her what he did to me.
I'm also trying really hard not to feel guilty for my thoughts that if I just let them take DS and be the fat happy family they think they'd be, I could run, leave; I would never, ever have to see XAH again. Because I know I would never act on those fleeting thoughts and I don't think I could ever not see DS. Not without serious loss of will to live.
But I'm afraid, guys. I'm afraid of what if my fear of him does become so acute, that I do just hand DS over to them and leave? It would not be fair or good for DS. I'm so tired of hearing from every one (court, GF, lawyer, family...) that I have to learn to how be around XAH because he's going to be in DS's life forever. I know this. But the idea of forever terrifies me. 'Be careful what you wish for, because the gods may grant it.' Now he's in my life always. The knowledge that it's all on my shoulders to try to be reasonable, because he never will be; that I have to try to get along with him and he can just sit there and continue to be the abusive jerk he is and I just have to try to learn to live with it. It's too much guys. Some times it is way too much.
Another fear: What if my instinct that he's abusive towards me is wrong, was always wrong? What if my motivation is really like they say that I'm just jealous because he found his love?
So more rambling. Today I have been really hard on myself and I'm trying to stop it. But d----.
Last edited by theuncertainty; 01-04-2011 at 01:32 PM. Reason: typo
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
But I'm afraid, guys. I'm afraid of what if my fear of him does become so acute, that I do just hand DS over to them and leave? It would not be fair or good for DS. I'm so tired of hearing from every one (court, GF, lawyer, family...) that I have to learn to how be around XAH because he's going to be in DS's life forever. I know this. But the idea of forever terrifies me.
Let's hang on.
None of this is ... NOW.
Okay?
what's NOW is a HUGE adrenaline surge because you were caught off guard.
nothing violent happened.
It's just the adrenaline talking.
I know about this end of it.
This is what PTSD is all about.
We go flying off into the past and the present at the same time
(actually the BODY goes into the Past and relives everything
while the MIND goes into the future and makes wars that havent happened yet)
so we split and there's no ... NOW.
there's no ... HERE.
And PTSD is what started me drinking.
I could 'do a shot' and the adrenaline would leave.
Or go numb.
Now that I don't drink
it takes HOURS and HOURS for it to wear off.
OKay.
Right now -
the house is safe.
your son is safe.
you are safe.
that's what's real.
that's what counts.
Try not to jump ahead to the future
because believe me -
the future can take care of itself.
We aren't in the future.
My dad used to say
"If it ain't gonna break in and eat cha in the next ten minutes
it aint worth thinking about"
Only too me fifty years
to get the hang of that.
SO ...
make a cup of tea
let the adrenaline work it's way out of your system
make no decisions
don't make any more cals
until that is handled.
ANd even then
it's one thing at a time.
the nearest thing ..first.
(((Hug)))
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Another fear: What if my instinct that he's abusive towards me is wrong, was always wrong? What if my motivation is really like they say that I'm just jealous because he found his love?
WTF? I'm pretty sure you didn't just make all this up.
In another thread, someone (Transformie?) mentioned powerlessness and power in the same sentence.
It's one of the great ironies to me, that when we give up the illusion of control by letting go of it (whatever "it" happens to be at the time), we gain strength and power. Weird.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
WTF? I'm pretty sure you didn't just make all this up.
In another thread, someone (Transformie?) mentioned powerlessness and power in the same sentence.
It's one of the great ironies to me, that when we give up the illusion of control by letting go of it (whatever "it" happens to be at the time), we gain strength and power. Weird.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
(((hugs))) I understand only too well what you're dealing with.
is right.
I was just told in an e-mail that my X has been nice to me by abiding by the court order.
Clearly, Coyote is right: These people don't think court orders apply to them. Because it's much easier to do things the way they want to do them.
I'm of two minds about these things. On the one hand, yeah, pick your battles. For your own peace of mind, let it go, at least mentally/emotionally. On the other hand, with my X, any time he senses the littlest bit of gaining ground, all hell breaks loose and he will ask me (in a very requiring expectant sort of way) to do things that even when we were married would have been a stretch to ask another human being to do. So I've had to really harden myself against his tactics and put my foot down at every turn. Not give an inch, ever. *sigh*
What a moronic troglodyte, controlling, flying piece of bird poop!!!?! :;(()$&)&(,$)(&$!'!',!!!!!?
I was just told in an e-mail that my X has been nice to me by abiding by the court order.
Clearly, Coyote is right: These people don't think court orders apply to them. Because it's much easier to do things the way they want to do them.
I'm of two minds about these things. On the one hand, yeah, pick your battles. For your own peace of mind, let it go, at least mentally/emotionally. On the other hand, with my X, any time he senses the littlest bit of gaining ground, all hell breaks loose and he will ask me (in a very requiring expectant sort of way) to do things that even when we were married would have been a stretch to ask another human being to do. So I've had to really harden myself against his tactics and put my foot down at every turn. Not give an inch, ever. *sigh*
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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WTF? I'm pretty sure you didn't just make all this up.
I feel really stupid for even thinking it. I mean I *know* I couldn't make up everything. And I know I'm not that great of an actor to where I could pull one over both my therapist and the psychiatrist I'm seeing for PTSD. I am still giving his words, and now hers, so much weight. Well, actually they're all probably still his words. Any way, it's not like either of them are impartial here. They each have a very vested interest in him not being any type of abusive alcoholic....
This is what PTSD is all about.
We go flying off into the past and the present at the same time
(actually the BODY goes into the Past and relives everything
while the MIND goes into the future and makes wars that havent happened yet)
so we split and there's no ... NOW.
there's no ... HERE.
We go flying off into the past and the present at the same time
(actually the BODY goes into the Past and relives everything
while the MIND goes into the future and makes wars that havent happened yet)
so we split and there's no ... NOW.
there's no ... HERE.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am sorry theuncertainty if anything I posted, or the way I said anything, caused you any trouble or bad feelings. That is opposite of my intentions 
It is times like these I wish we all lived in the same city; we could all go out and walk around somewhere, or go to a restaurant, and be positive influences in eachother's physical lives. Do you have an AlAnon home group? I am sorry, I don't recall. It would be good for you to have that support while going thru all this.
I agree, stop reading her emails, because she is obviously living in denial if she thinks that how he might feel about anyone is going to make a difference in how he behaves. The entire time I was reading what you wrote from her email, I'm thinking "Yeah, right." Talk about delusional. Boy, haven't I been there before and wasn't I the sickest I've ever been in my life as a result?
I think you have too much dealing with him right now. Is there a way you can get a break from dealing with them for a while? A way to go No Contact? If you stop working thru her to arrange visitation, that puts the ball in HIS court and how much is he actually going to do and arrange? IDK, just an idea. But to answer your question, hell no don't you dare doubt your instincts right now. Though I do think you need a break from them.
And ditto what BarbDwyer posted. Great post Barb!!
It is times like these I wish we all lived in the same city; we could all go out and walk around somewhere, or go to a restaurant, and be positive influences in eachother's physical lives. Do you have an AlAnon home group? I am sorry, I don't recall. It would be good for you to have that support while going thru all this.I agree, stop reading her emails, because she is obviously living in denial if she thinks that how he might feel about anyone is going to make a difference in how he behaves. The entire time I was reading what you wrote from her email, I'm thinking "Yeah, right." Talk about delusional. Boy, haven't I been there before and wasn't I the sickest I've ever been in my life as a result?
I think you have too much dealing with him right now. Is there a way you can get a break from dealing with them for a while? A way to go No Contact? If you stop working thru her to arrange visitation, that puts the ball in HIS court and how much is he actually going to do and arrange? IDK, just an idea. But to answer your question, hell no don't you dare doubt your instincts right now. Though I do think you need a break from them.
And ditto what BarbDwyer posted. Great post Barb!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
PS Uncertainty please take time soon to check in with yourself and determine what YOU need. Forget about skis and toys and clothes and court orders and all that for a bit and really listen to yourself and check in with your feelings. Sometimes I just need quiet. Or to be with some girlfriends and go to the mall or just go to Target. Sometimes it's spend an hour or two at the library. Take a bubble bath. Or a hot, open-faced turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes and loads of gravy. Or a quart of Pralines N Cream from Baskin Robbins. I could go on but I know you have your own list. Check in with yourself hon. And get those two freaks off your mind for a half a day or so. (((hugs))) love ya'
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I think your fear of him is completely rational and understandable. It is self-protection. That is a very healthy thing. I also think that people who say you have to learn to be around him and coparent with him have a point. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Here's how I see it. You can be afraid of him on the level that protects you. That means not giving him the opportunity to harm you. In order to do that, you have to feel safe. Whatever it takes for you to feel safe is reasonable. Whether that means taking him to court to enforce orders or whatever. Once you feel safe and in control of your own life, you can reasonably be around him at school functions or whatever because he no longer has the power to harm you.
What I'm saying is take whatever steps are necessary for you to take your power back. Once he no longer has any power over you, you can still have a healthy fear of him, but he will no longer have any power to harm you. I don't know if that makes any sense. It's difficult to express.
L
Here's how I see it. You can be afraid of him on the level that protects you. That means not giving him the opportunity to harm you. In order to do that, you have to feel safe. Whatever it takes for you to feel safe is reasonable. Whether that means taking him to court to enforce orders or whatever. Once you feel safe and in control of your own life, you can reasonably be around him at school functions or whatever because he no longer has the power to harm you.
What I'm saying is take whatever steps are necessary for you to take your power back. Once he no longer has any power over you, you can still have a healthy fear of him, but he will no longer have any power to harm you. I don't know if that makes any sense. It's difficult to express.
L
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