Maggiemac

It has been 2 years since my sons death and 3 holidays and I am still reading RS when will his addiction leave me in peace. I think about him everyday look at pictures of him wondering what things would have been like if he were still here with me. Am I going crazy or what????? Still asking all these questioins about addiction how I should have handled it did I in some way cause him to overdose and die. I did ask God to help him was death the way God helped him. Will I ever have hopes and dreams again or will all of this take me to my grave. Doesn't seem to have very much to live for my life was wrapped around my son. Am I allways going to be on the verge of tears just hearning his name. Or maybe it is just the holidays making me feel so lost and alone.
Thanks for reading what this old, crazy lady had to say.
Your friend,
Maggiemac

FGB

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Maggiemac. I don't have any advise but want to let you know you're in my prayers. Have you talked to any counselors, or seen a doctor? I hope things get better for you soon. Hugs, FGB

Chino

Yes, when you're ready

You're mourning, Maggie, and I can't imagine the pain. Have you ever worked the steps? There's a step forum here, and it might help you answer/resolve some questions. You don't have to participate, either, and only if you want to.

I'm so full of hope and I was feeling this way before the new year. I can feel it Maggie, and I think it's calling your name, too

litehorse

Maggiemac - all of us parents ask so many questions about our children's addictions - what could we have done differently? did we do enough? did we do too much? if only we had..... - the tragic truth is there is no way to know any of those answers - while we were doing whatever it was that we were doing our child was doing what the addiction dictated for them to do - remember we did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it - please let go of those questions that torture you - you are enduring a pain all of us fear - my prayers will be that you will go forward in faith and strength remembering precious times with your son for as long as you had him with you - and let the bad memories fade because you know in your heart who your son was and that he would not want you tortured by his memory - take care of yourself and let this new year be a stepping stone to a new life - a life that embraces his memory and honors your relationship with him as his mother during all those years before this awful beast named addiction came in - God bless you

Kindeyes

Maggiemac
Your post touched me right to the very center of my being. You are living what so many of us mothers fear most. I can't imagine the pain you have carried with you since your son's death.

It's ok that you're still here on SR. It's ok that you are still grieving. Grief does not have a specific timeline.

Eventually (and no one knows how long it will take) you may find acceptance and that is what will bring you peace. Acceptance that you were not responsible for your son's addiction. Acceptance that you are a good, kind, loving person who can find joy again and not feel guilty for it. Acceptance that your son is in the hands of his higher power and he is now watching over you just as you did him when he was a small child.

If you have not participated in grief counseling, you may want to think about it. You may have become stuck in one of the stages of grief and it may be helpful to have someone help you work through it.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. May 2011 bring you peace and joy.

gentle hugs

Impurrfect

((((Maggie))) - you are always in my prayers, sweetie.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

keepinon

I would also suggest grief counseling..our local Hospice has free therapy (donations as you can afford) I went there after my dad died..sometimes I would just go in a cry for 50 minutes and that was ok.It really helped me..also if you are depressed their are medications that can help...take care of yourself, your son wouldn't have wanted his death to destroy you..

catlovermi

Maggie,

I'm so sorry your son died from addiction, and so sorry it hurts so much.

I'm going to say this with gentleness and love:

Maggie, are you stuck in your grief, just as your son was stuck in his addiction?

• Have you sought out the company and counsel of others who have had the same experiences, and grown past them?
• Have you sought out professional help, to bring to you aid that you are unable to give to yourself?
• Have you done for yourself the steps to get your life back that you wish your son had taken to get his life back?
• Are you going to give up your life to your grief, as your son did to his addiction?

Can you see how the poison spreads?

We need help, in the family disease of addiction. It took your son, and now it's keeping you underwater, too, stuck in grief.

For all the things you wish you son had done, to overcome his addiction, do these same things for yourself, to save yourself, Maggie.

You are worth it, and life is worth living, if you can get past your pain and back to functional, again. This does not mean the pain will go away, or you will not grieve, but it means you will get back to functional, and living.

For everything you wished for your son, Maggie, do these same things for yourself.

Said with gentle love,

CLMI

Ann

Holidays are particularly painful times, Maggie, and I am so sorry that your grief is hurting you so much. I understand, but it makes me sad all the same.

I agree with others here that perhaps some grief counseling may help. It's worth a try.

And please know, Maggie, that nothing you did or didn't do could save your son. Addiction is a disease that kills at random and there is nothing any of us can do to lessen the power of that awful disease.

My son told me once that even on his worse day, he knew how much we loved him. I believe your boy knew that too, Maggee, and if he could, I think he would want you to find acceptance and peace.

Keeping you in my prayers, that somehow the sadness can fade to better memories of the son you had before addiction stole him away.

Hugs

greeteachday

I had only been actively involved in working on my own program for 6 months when my daughter died. Naranon and SR probably helped me even more with coming to terms with losing my child than with handling addiction in my life. Practicing the steps; sharing with people who cared; realizing that I had to look at life one day at a time and not look back wondering what I could have done differently; finding outlets that helped me to learn to enjoy life again (especially ones that got me out of myself and that provided physical activity that tended to elevate my spirits); constantly turning things over to my higher power, and most of all looking at things I was grateful for rather than things I regretted...they all helped me to journey through my grief and find a way to find life worth living.

I always really related to the expression "when I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change." I am not the same person I was before losing my daughter and I will always miss her, but I am a person at peace and I am so grateful for those who walked with me.

I do agree completely that if you can find a professional who will help you through this process, you may find it very beneficial. You may find Compassionate Friends to be helpful as well...it's a self help national organization for those who have lost a child. Here is their link, with meeting locations as well as online support. The Compassionate Friends - Supporting Family After a Child Dies
My husband is active in it and he has found it was a good fit for him. I chose not to -it didn't work for me. I guess my point is that we all find different ways to deal with this horrible loss. Please keep reaching out until you find what works for you. We care Maggie.

Spiritual Seeker

I know how much you miss Jason and how it is difficult to accept his death.
I've found myself in a black hole of grief too Maggiemac. With the holidays over I
am feeling more optimistic today that I can climb out. All the reminders of other families
getting together with their children or grandchildren (that I will never have ) was painful.

I believe that I must and will come to grips with my son's passing or two tragedies are created instead of one. I must have this hope.
Right now, I am coping by doing my best to stay in the present, which is all I have any control over. I've met a couple of moms who lost
their sons the same time I lost mine. It helps me to have them to talk with as they know exactly what I am feeling and let me talk all I want
to about my son. I don't ever want to not be able to talk about my son.

I think my son is @ peace; now my journey is to manage grief so that I'm not
paralyzed by it. I'm not there yet either and know that now that this journey will take time.
I went to an Alanon mtg this a.m. and the topic was "progress not perfection". Life will never be perfect w/o our children,
but I can look at what I have left and be grateful.

Don't ever doubt what a great mother you were.

litehorse

maggiemac, greeteachday, spiritual seeker - i just want each of you to know that i keep you in my prayers continually - i can't say i know how you feel - i can say i know you are hurting so i pray you have strength each day to take the next step - to embrace the precious memories of your children - to continue to reach out -

357girl

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your son Maggiemac. So so sorry. For all of the parents who are reading this, who have experienced what many of us fear every day, I just can't imagine. I'm sitting here with tears pouring down my face for you. Every day, many times a day, I worry my daughter will lose her life to her heroin addiction. i also cry because i question myself for "letting go," but I just can't take it anymore. I have done everything possible for her, and my life has been turned inside out and upside down as a result. I just can't imagine your loss and the fact that you are here for support, is in some ways comforting to me, knowing that you have the courage to talk to others and share your pain. Thank you so much. Please know that if I could, I would give you a hug and let you know how much it means to me that you are here.

Claudia

YouWillBe

PLEASE don't go.

I think you play a VERY powerful role here. You, and others who've traveled the same tragic path, are here to show us that it is possible to survive the loss of a child.

What you are living is my worst fear. I don't know where my daughter is. She goes weeks without getting in touch...and then, every time she does, her circumstances are worse than the last time.

I constantly worry that her fate will be death - and that's a real possibility as she seems to have no want to get better.

Knowing that there are mothers like you, if the unthinkable happens, ready with an understanding ear and a wisdom born of unspeakable heartbreak, gives me some comfort.

cinderellawkids

I cannot imagine losing a child, but from someone who unexpectedly lost her father, I learned it takes time, and not until I accepted, grieved, read grief material and even made a diary of what I would like to do with him if he was here did I start the truly heal. I know its different, but Ive learned part of the pain will always be there, and me, I DO NOT watch tv during holidays, commericals of happy families do me in