I feel like I should say something
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: home
Posts: 205
I feel like I should say something
I've been with my family for a week or so and I have a week left until I'm back in the "real world" and in school again. The whole break I haven't been to any meetings, and I haven't been here for a while. I haven't written or worked on my sobriety in a while. I feel like I need to speak up because I can feel myself slipping a little.
Since I've been sober I have wanted to drink for a few different reasons - I have panic attacks and want them to end. Because I'm lonely. And because I'm bored or want to "let go". I've never missed drinking for the social aspect.
Tonight I was brushing my teeth and I could hear New Years fire works going off outside. I had a flash back of dancing with my friends. I remembered the drunk crazy conversations and laughing. Sadly I remembered drinking alone and missed that too. I had the urge to get into my parents wine. It would be so easy. I'm the only one home. They have a lot and wouldn't notice one missing. I would throw the bottle in the bottom of the outside trash cans and they would never know it happened.
The thing is, my parents don't know how bad my drinking is. If they knew I drank the wine they wouldn't think much of it, yet I still feel the need to hide it. I can't even lie to myself and say I want a glass. I have no interest in a glass. I want the whole bottle and more if it doesn't knock me out. If I drink tomorrow I will wake up in regret. I will feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. I will wish I stayed sober.
It's scary how in one instant you can forget all the work you've done and thinking you "need" alcohol and drugs can take you over. You can remember the good times and somehow forget the bad. I just hope next time I remember I don't "need" it and let the moment pass.
HAPPY NEW YEARS!!
Since I've been sober I have wanted to drink for a few different reasons - I have panic attacks and want them to end. Because I'm lonely. And because I'm bored or want to "let go". I've never missed drinking for the social aspect.
Tonight I was brushing my teeth and I could hear New Years fire works going off outside. I had a flash back of dancing with my friends. I remembered the drunk crazy conversations and laughing. Sadly I remembered drinking alone and missed that too. I had the urge to get into my parents wine. It would be so easy. I'm the only one home. They have a lot and wouldn't notice one missing. I would throw the bottle in the bottom of the outside trash cans and they would never know it happened.
The thing is, my parents don't know how bad my drinking is. If they knew I drank the wine they wouldn't think much of it, yet I still feel the need to hide it. I can't even lie to myself and say I want a glass. I have no interest in a glass. I want the whole bottle and more if it doesn't knock me out. If I drink tomorrow I will wake up in regret. I will feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. I will wish I stayed sober.
It's scary how in one instant you can forget all the work you've done and thinking you "need" alcohol and drugs can take you over. You can remember the good times and somehow forget the bad. I just hope next time I remember I don't "need" it and let the moment pass.
HAPPY NEW YEARS!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I was wondering how you were doing...thanks for posting
Maybe take this as a positive experience as it helps illustrate how you need to keep working on your sobriety?
Sending you wishes for all the best in 2011!
Xoxo, LaFemme
Maybe take this as a positive experience as it helps illustrate how you need to keep working on your sobriety?
Sending you wishes for all the best in 2011!
Xoxo, LaFemme
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Lilly - I have to admit I'd love a little mental vacation myself tonight. I don't think it's bad to want to get rid of the boredom/anxiety attacks/loneliness. BUT alcohol isn't going to do it. Infact, I've found that a good night's sleep does more for me these days than a round of drinks ever did.
As for the laughing part, I discovered something else. When you're around people who are heavy into their drinking, they're not really laughing about anything - they're just getting stupid.
I know it's not easy, but hang in there - what you really want in your life is the kind of happiness that is real, an end to the loneliness that isn't just anesthetic, and a way of life where you can grow and love being you.
(I'm talking to myself here, but thanks for the post - it made me feel better to say these things!)
Stay strong! ODAAT
As for the laughing part, I discovered something else. When you're around people who are heavy into their drinking, they're not really laughing about anything - they're just getting stupid.
I know it's not easy, but hang in there - what you really want in your life is the kind of happiness that is real, an end to the loneliness that isn't just anesthetic, and a way of life where you can grow and love being you.
(I'm talking to myself here, but thanks for the post - it made me feel better to say these things!)
Stay strong! ODAAT
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
I'm glad you posted too Lilly.
It does take time to build the 'new you' - we drank for a lot of years - but as long as you can think though the madness like you did, you're well on your way.
It's a common fear I think that we'll never have fun again... or laughter....or dancing....or whatever....
It's nonsense. There's nothing anywhere that prevents these things.
Your new life is whatever you decide to make it - without the poison of alcohol
D
It does take time to build the 'new you' - we drank for a lot of years - but as long as you can think though the madness like you did, you're well on your way.
It's a common fear I think that we'll never have fun again... or laughter....or dancing....or whatever....
It's nonsense. There's nothing anywhere that prevents these things.
Your new life is whatever you decide to make it - without the poison of alcohol
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tampa
Posts: 178
I would think 'wanting' is quite normal at this stage. As long as you don't act upon those wants, you're doing exactly as you should. Drinking or not, all of realities issues exist. They're only as large as you let them be. The answer to making this all end is sobriety. I promise. Getting there is the only way to say goodbye to the feelings. Memories can't hurt you. They're not physical and have no power over you.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
Yeah...that's just it Lilly. I couldn't imagine bein like - Oh, I think I'll have a couple beers. If I drank I would do it all out, and I would still be drunk well into the day. That's why we're different. We can't have that one or two.
I would be sooooooo sick and disgusted when I woke up if I drank. I know what you mean.
You did the right thing. Now get back to working on your sobriety. You're doin great.
Happy New Years!
I would be sooooooo sick and disgusted when I woke up if I drank. I know what you mean.
You did the right thing. Now get back to working on your sobriety. You're doin great.
Happy New Years!
Nothing beats waking up feeling great with no regrets.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 4
When I drank I didn't have a life, just sat around ridiculing people who did have a life with my loser friends or drinking by myself. I found activities I enjoy other than drinking, tried new things and eventually stopped thinking about drinking. It isn't easy but you can learn to be alone and not be lonely.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,464
Lilly,
Good for you for noticing that were you feeling a bit vulnerable, and coming here for support.
I know how those flashes of needing/wanting to drink can be overwhelming, but you did great and I hope that 2011 is a wonderful and sober year for you.
Good for you for noticing that were you feeling a bit vulnerable, and coming here for support.
I know how those flashes of needing/wanting to drink can be overwhelming, but you did great and I hope that 2011 is a wonderful and sober year for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 214
Well, I am glad you hung in there, but I know I would have been having the same difficulty if I slacked off going to meetings, too.
It's something about those meetings, isn't it? Most always say, it makes them feel better, and stay on an even keel.
But for some reason, the choice will be made to put off going, KNOWING that. When the tailspins of life get a little crazy, I always find increasing meetings helps. You may want to consider it. Or not....and continue to do what I did at one time....just 'eke' my way through sobriety always thinking of myself stuck in my own head.
But that's your choice to make. I know what choice I made that helped.
I just felt like I should say something too.
It's something about those meetings, isn't it? Most always say, it makes them feel better, and stay on an even keel.
But for some reason, the choice will be made to put off going, KNOWING that. When the tailspins of life get a little crazy, I always find increasing meetings helps. You may want to consider it. Or not....and continue to do what I did at one time....just 'eke' my way through sobriety always thinking of myself stuck in my own head.
But that's your choice to make. I know what choice I made that helped.
I just felt like I should say something too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
Hi Lilly
Thanks for posting. Good to hear from you.
Like others have said, you may have thought these things and rationalised them for a little while but you pulled through and realised that it was not a rational way to think... not for us. Well done!
I can relate to the whole feeling horrible if you drank thing. I even feel horrible if I have drinking dreams (which don't happen often thank goodness). But I take that as a positive sign that my sub conscious is working through the years of alcohol abuse and I have never woken up and thought "Jeez, i wish i had of drank last night"
Thanks for posting. Good to hear from you.
Like others have said, you may have thought these things and rationalised them for a little while but you pulled through and realised that it was not a rational way to think... not for us. Well done!
I can relate to the whole feeling horrible if you drank thing. I even feel horrible if I have drinking dreams (which don't happen often thank goodness). But I take that as a positive sign that my sub conscious is working through the years of alcohol abuse and I have never woken up and thought "Jeez, i wish i had of drank last night"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
Lilly
I am glad you wrote the whole story down. It's easy to slip into the old routine at parent's houses because they don't want to know you have a problem. Stay here with us at SR and pick up a recovery book to keep you occupied. I reminded myself that if I drank I would be a bowl full of bored with paranoia on top if I drank.
SH
I am glad you wrote the whole story down. It's easy to slip into the old routine at parent's houses because they don't want to know you have a problem. Stay here with us at SR and pick up a recovery book to keep you occupied. I reminded myself that if I drank I would be a bowl full of bored with paranoia on top if I drank.
SH
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