Not sure what to think or do....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2
Not sure what to think or do....
Hi,
I don't even know where to start or how to begin, but here it goes. Long story short, I started dating my boyfriend about 8 months ago, we knew each other growing up, but lost contact. Early on in our conversations, he said he was a recovering addict to pain killers, as well as a couple of other substances. I have to tell you, yes, I was scared. I am naive when it comes to this subject. He is an attentive, caring and wonderful person, whom I never doubted that he wasn't clean at the time. He was very active in his CR group and church. We dated for months, met each others children, etc. I never saw any red flags, at least none where we were concerned. We now live together, and things were going very well. My daughters came home for Christmas break, they are in the military. The day after them arriving, or close to it, he pretty much locked himself up in the bedroom, avoiding us....or so it seems. He would ignore us if he even walked out to go to the kitchen...Out of six times of me asking him what was wrong....he finally said this morning...I am a recovering junkie and I don't do holidays very well. He did say a few other things earlier in the week, but the answers just don't add up. I am so confused and hurt.
This action came out of nowhere. I don't know when I will have my two daughters together at Christmas next. I felt like it was very selfish on his part. I just don't know whether it will always be this way or what. I know he will struggle with addiction forever and he was attending church, when he was off work. He was attending a local CR group, but work didn't allow for that either...most times. I know I am rambling on, but I'm very upset, confused and wanting to not be in a dysfunctional relationship. Are these actions common? I am clueless... I know I have left out so much information.
I don't even know where to start or how to begin, but here it goes. Long story short, I started dating my boyfriend about 8 months ago, we knew each other growing up, but lost contact. Early on in our conversations, he said he was a recovering addict to pain killers, as well as a couple of other substances. I have to tell you, yes, I was scared. I am naive when it comes to this subject. He is an attentive, caring and wonderful person, whom I never doubted that he wasn't clean at the time. He was very active in his CR group and church. We dated for months, met each others children, etc. I never saw any red flags, at least none where we were concerned. We now live together, and things were going very well. My daughters came home for Christmas break, they are in the military. The day after them arriving, or close to it, he pretty much locked himself up in the bedroom, avoiding us....or so it seems. He would ignore us if he even walked out to go to the kitchen...Out of six times of me asking him what was wrong....he finally said this morning...I am a recovering junkie and I don't do holidays very well. He did say a few other things earlier in the week, but the answers just don't add up. I am so confused and hurt.
This action came out of nowhere. I don't know when I will have my two daughters together at Christmas next. I felt like it was very selfish on his part. I just don't know whether it will always be this way or what. I know he will struggle with addiction forever and he was attending church, when he was off work. He was attending a local CR group, but work didn't allow for that either...most times. I know I am rambling on, but I'm very upset, confused and wanting to not be in a dysfunctional relationship. Are these actions common? I am clueless... I know I have left out so much information.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,872
Yes, it was very rude on his part. Being in recovery (if he truly is) does not mean locking oneself up in a room and avoiding the family. Sounds to me like he has let his recovery fall by the wayside and it's showing in his actions. Not meaning that he is using again, but that he isn't actively working his recovery.
Are your daughters gone now? Is he still acting this way? Can you ask him to sit down and talk with you about it. Open communication is crucial in any relationship, but especially when one partner is a recovering addict.
Are your daughters gone now? Is he still acting this way? Can you ask him to sit down and talk with you about it. Open communication is crucial in any relationship, but especially when one partner is a recovering addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2
No, they aren't gone yet, only a few days left. One of them actually told me, "mom, we will be gone soon"..I have explained to them that it's not them, it's him, and they understand that. My heart fell to my knees when she said that. He sent me a text saying, "it will be fine once the house settles back down, can't explain it. Just makes me very uncomfortable having all these people around. If you can't accept that, don't." I have asked him numerous times to sit and talk. I even told him to help me understand. I get nowhere, he turns it around on me. He has told me to "just let it go"...
I just am at that stage wondering if I need to hang on or not...perplexed...
I just am at that stage wondering if I need to hang on or not...perplexed... RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,872
Well, these are your children and they will always be a part of your life. It sounds like he's the one who should either accept that or don't. Is this how it's going to be every time they come to visit? If so, yeah, I'd give serious consideration to living apart. Doesn't mean you have to end the relationship, but it would solve this particular problem.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i don't feel i have a firm grip on the sitch, but what i'm hearing, is a man who is not doing his recovery work very well right now. he sounds owly, he sounds uncommunicative, and also perhaps a little resentful for some weird reason.
this is one of the troubles of being with an addict, in my opinion (cuz i've had a few of 'em)
they blow hot and cold, they often withdraw, they do not communicate when they should....
one day he will be great and show up as though everything's peachy. but you'll still be standing there scratching your head.
it's difficult for me to offer advice, because this exact type of situation is where i unravel. do you go to al-anon however? what we are supposed to do, is to learn how to feel ok even our loved one isn't, and not take his crap personally.
ok, you do not want to be in a dysfunctional relationship.
my two thoughts about that are:
1. you are
2. most of us humans are, to one degree or another
so....what do you wish to tolerate??
"his doesn't do holidays well" is probably very common among recovering drug addicts. however, if he is working a program, he should be doing much better. and the most important thing here, he should be communicating with you about it, not retreating.
i know i have a lot of "shoulds" but that's how i feel.
you've been dating for 8 months. i think it's a little crazy to move in with someone after a relatively short time; you clearly don't know one another all that well; perhaps you guys can take a step back and have separate places?
i also think it was selfish of him.
i think he's dealing with some pretty big stuff.
i hope you didn't hear an abrasive tone in my reply. there is much to learn here on s/r and you can post as often as you like! people will always be here for you.
welcome
this is one of the troubles of being with an addict, in my opinion (cuz i've had a few of 'em)
they blow hot and cold, they often withdraw, they do not communicate when they should....
one day he will be great and show up as though everything's peachy. but you'll still be standing there scratching your head.
it's difficult for me to offer advice, because this exact type of situation is where i unravel. do you go to al-anon however? what we are supposed to do, is to learn how to feel ok even our loved one isn't, and not take his crap personally.
ok, you do not want to be in a dysfunctional relationship.
my two thoughts about that are:
1. you are
2. most of us humans are, to one degree or another
so....what do you wish to tolerate??
"his doesn't do holidays well" is probably very common among recovering drug addicts. however, if he is working a program, he should be doing much better. and the most important thing here, he should be communicating with you about it, not retreating.
i know i have a lot of "shoulds" but that's how i feel.
you've been dating for 8 months. i think it's a little crazy to move in with someone after a relatively short time; you clearly don't know one another all that well; perhaps you guys can take a step back and have separate places?
i also think it was selfish of him.
i think he's dealing with some pretty big stuff.
i hope you didn't hear an abrasive tone in my reply. there is much to learn here on s/r and you can post as often as you like! people will always be here for you.
welcome
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......this is a great place to learn about loving an addict or an addict in recovery.
Who knows what's going on with your BF. A past with addiction makes all of us here on SR jump to conclusions. But this is a person you have only known for a few months. This may be who he is......a moody person. Sometimes I get in a funk (I get quiet and pull into my shell).....and I just want to be left alone to work it out in my own mind. My dear husband knows that he just needs to give me some space sometimes......I love that about him!
On the other hand, your bf's behavior may be related to an addict who isn't working his program. Or this may just be a human who is uncomfortable with a lot of people around them that they don't know well.
It's hard to say at this point.......so it might be a thought to take his advice. Let it go and enjoy the time with your daughters! They are only there for a short while so love every single minute with them! Don't waste a second with them worrying about why he is behaving the way he is. You can't control his behavior.
Even though your bf is no longer using.....you may want to think about attending Naranon or Alanon meetings. They will help you cope with him and help you recognize what "recovery" looks like. For me, my participation in Naranon (and here on SR) helps me in my daily life......every single day with all whom I encounter.
gentle hugs
Who knows what's going on with your BF. A past with addiction makes all of us here on SR jump to conclusions. But this is a person you have only known for a few months. This may be who he is......a moody person. Sometimes I get in a funk (I get quiet and pull into my shell).....and I just want to be left alone to work it out in my own mind. My dear husband knows that he just needs to give me some space sometimes......I love that about him!
On the other hand, your bf's behavior may be related to an addict who isn't working his program. Or this may just be a human who is uncomfortable with a lot of people around them that they don't know well.
It's hard to say at this point.......so it might be a thought to take his advice. Let it go and enjoy the time with your daughters! They are only there for a short while so love every single minute with them! Don't waste a second with them worrying about why he is behaving the way he is. You can't control his behavior.
Even though your bf is no longer using.....you may want to think about attending Naranon or Alanon meetings. They will help you cope with him and help you recognize what "recovery" looks like. For me, my participation in Naranon (and here on SR) helps me in my daily life......every single day with all whom I encounter.
gentle hugs
Last edited by Kindeyes; 01-02-2011 at 08:13 AM. Reason: removed something that didn't make sense....even to me
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Kindeyes-"Let it go and enjoy the time with your daughters! They are only there for a short while so love every single minute with them! Don't waste a second with them worrying about why he is behaving the way he is. You can't control his behavior."
I couldn't agree more with this very good advice.
His mood...his problem.
I couldn't agree more with this very good advice.
His mood...his problem.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Originally Posted by warmnsunny 
"It will be fine once the house settles back down, can't explain it. Just makes me very uncomfortable having all these people around. If you can't accept that, don't."
It sounds like he's slipping in my humble opinion.
Holidays are bad for my recovering alcoholic father as well and he ups his meetings and spends extra time with his sponsor and sponsees.
Quite honestly, it's sh1tty what he's doing and unfair to you and your daughters. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. And why would he be texting you? Was he still in the house? That seems to immature to me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
