need some support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: wichita ks
Posts: 9
need some support
I had to call the police on my brother again tonight just like I did a week ago. I hate it has come to this with him. He's my big bro, the one I should be looking to for advice and solice yet my counselor has now advised me to not speak to him or shelter him because he has stooped to stealing. She explained to me that either he was going to come nito my house and I would have to watch him die, or he will find somewhere else to kill himself and I can see him peacefully in the mortuary home. This is the point we are at. I am soo desperate and scared!!
How is it possible that the police can't force him into somewhere? All I can say is why??? why?? why?? not only is my brother at the point of death but I am currently enableing my mother who as a precautionary measure to avoid D.T.s we make sure she has alchohol daily like a medicine. I would just walk away again from this city but my step-dad who was supporting her passed in June now she can't sustain herself. To put the cherry on the top my sister is also here not working and she has a drug problem. I know most are thinking if sis is here why can't I leave? We'll put it this way I paid 1200 in bills last month catching them up.. SO my next why is why am I the sober one?? I mean the old addage You can't beat 'em join ,em comes to mind alot in my life.I don't want my Mom to lose this house it's my childhood home I grew up here. But where do you draw the line between enableing and simply helping?Anyway any words of comfort support or advice would be greatly appreciated.
How is it possible that the police can't force him into somewhere? All I can say is why??? why?? why?? not only is my brother at the point of death but I am currently enableing my mother who as a precautionary measure to avoid D.T.s we make sure she has alchohol daily like a medicine. I would just walk away again from this city but my step-dad who was supporting her passed in June now she can't sustain herself. To put the cherry on the top my sister is also here not working and she has a drug problem. I know most are thinking if sis is here why can't I leave? We'll put it this way I paid 1200 in bills last month catching them up.. SO my next why is why am I the sober one?? I mean the old addage You can't beat 'em join ,em comes to mind alot in my life.I don't want my Mom to lose this house it's my childhood home I grew up here. But where do you draw the line between enableing and simply helping?Anyway any words of comfort support or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: VA
Posts: 10
Just read your post and my heart bleeds for your situation. I can totally understand the if you can't beat em join em thought. Been there done that. Things only got worse for me. My entire family is now in recovery. It can happen! Wow! I have to do the footwork of going to meetings and my higherpower takes care of everything else. What a great burden off my shoulders. I am here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: wichita ks
Posts: 9
I can't see recovery for aany of them. As soon as the police left and I was balling my eyes out to the cop my sister and mom sat here and smoked a joint "to relax". I couldn't believe it. I should just leave but it would break my heart to see my mom lose my home.
I have seen recovery work though my uncle used to be a heavy drinker found my aunt and she helped him find recovery although his first taste of sobriety nearly took him from us in the form of a massive heart attack. but now he is doing great sober has a harley collection and is a success story thru and thru. So I can celebrate a bit with you give You a great big hug and thank you for your solice
I have seen recovery work though my uncle used to be a heavy drinker found my aunt and she helped him find recovery although his first taste of sobriety nearly took him from us in the form of a massive heart attack. but now he is doing great sober has a harley collection and is a success story thru and thru. So I can celebrate a bit with you give You a great big hug and thank you for your solice
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Bless your heart. I would say get to a meeting asap- just for the advice , experience and the help in keeping sane, until something breaks. i think you have a heart of gold, and I pray that you get some help here. for you, and the rest will follow. there is not always a happy ending, but sometimes things get better, and we are able to stay sane and find some happiness, which i am guessing you need very much.
the al-anon meetings may give you some needed support. many many find it so.
and hang here, too. there are many who have been where you are, and lived to find peace. hugs,
chicory
the al-anon meetings may give you some needed support. many many find it so.
and hang here, too. there are many who have been where you are, and lived to find peace. hugs,
chicory
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hello and welcome to SR!
I hope you find the support and friendship you need here,
and I hope you find some answers as well
most important - I hope you no longer feel alone.
I couldn't tell from your post if you were seeking
f2f support in your area, but man, this is the time to seek it.
Yes,the police (or whomever it is we unconsciously hold as'authority' in adult life)
will defend the alcoholic's right to destroy everyone around them
by drinking themselves to death.
They really will stand idly by and let it happen.
IT's great that you're asking for help
but asking the police... is just not asking the right people.
I hope you're already involved with an Alanon group in your area
and if not, I hope you'll find one
and try it out.
First - for the fellowship.
Second - for the resources that you probably have right in your neighborhood
but simply don't know about.
There was a man who was a long time customer
of the bar where I worked.
He was in the final stages of alcoholism
even had his retirement check sent to the bar
and he slept in his car in the back parking lot.
Several of the customers tried
to find someone ANYone to help
but no one could.
He was an adult who had every right to do what he was doing.
He died when I was around 90 days sober.
I hope you'll read up on everything here,
and post post post to your heart's content ...
almosty any time of day or night - someone is here.
I hope you find the support and friendship you need here,
and I hope you find some answers as well
most important - I hope you no longer feel alone.
I couldn't tell from your post if you were seeking
f2f support in your area, but man, this is the time to seek it.
Yes,the police (or whomever it is we unconsciously hold as'authority' in adult life)
will defend the alcoholic's right to destroy everyone around them
by drinking themselves to death.
They really will stand idly by and let it happen.
IT's great that you're asking for help
but asking the police... is just not asking the right people.
I hope you're already involved with an Alanon group in your area
and if not, I hope you'll find one
and try it out.
First - for the fellowship.
Second - for the resources that you probably have right in your neighborhood
but simply don't know about.
There was a man who was a long time customer
of the bar where I worked.
He was in the final stages of alcoholism
even had his retirement check sent to the bar
and he slept in his car in the back parking lot.
Several of the customers tried
to find someone ANYone to help
but no one could.
He was an adult who had every right to do what he was doing.
He died when I was around 90 days sober.
I hope you'll read up on everything here,
and post post post to your heart's content ...
almosty any time of day or night - someone is here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
Hi. Check with your county Department of Health and Human Services. I know that here in Wisconsin, if they receive signed statements from 3 separate people stating that A is either a threat to himself or others, they can at that point take it to a judge to have them involuntarily comitted to a rehab facility.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
If I were in your situation I would really have to take a step back and prioritise, what is more important. The house I grew up in or ME.
Your sanity and your happiness should be more important to you than bricks and mortar. You will still have your memories but you can't change your Mum, Sister or Brother, they're addicts and you have no control over whether they seek help for themselves.
Sounds like you're reaching the point where it's jump and save your self or sink with them.
Your sanity and your happiness should be more important to you than bricks and mortar. You will still have your memories but you can't change your Mum, Sister or Brother, they're addicts and you have no control over whether they seek help for themselves.
Sounds like you're reaching the point where it's jump and save your self or sink with them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
What an overwhelming and heartbreaking spot to be in. 
Are the things you are doing making it easier for them to continue their addiction? If it is then you are enabling the drinking, not helping the person. Someone here said we can love people right into their grave, quite literally, by enabling the addiction to the detriment of the person.
Can you get some physical distance (reduced or no contact) from the chaos so that you have a chance to attend some al-anon meetings, get some clarity, some time to decompress so you can do as Tally suggests and re-prioritize etc. Everything seems like an emergency when there is so much crisis and chaos surrounding us. If you can get away from all that for a short time it may really help you in moving forward.
The thing is, it is their emergency, their crisis - not yours. It doesn't feel like that right now I bet. They probably don't feel it either because they are effectively handing those feelings and crisis moments to you, and you are taking them. They aren't yours, hand them back.
Originally Posted by stuckinthemidst 
But where do you draw the line between enableing and simply helping?Anyway any words of comfort support or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Can you get some physical distance (reduced or no contact) from the chaos so that you have a chance to attend some al-anon meetings, get some clarity, some time to decompress so you can do as Tally suggests and re-prioritize etc. Everything seems like an emergency when there is so much crisis and chaos surrounding us. If you can get away from all that for a short time it may really help you in moving forward.
The thing is, it is their emergency, their crisis - not yours. It doesn't feel like that right now I bet. They probably don't feel it either because they are effectively handing those feelings and crisis moments to you, and you are taking them. They aren't yours, hand them back.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Letting go would seem to be a good start..I had to do it with all the ideas I had for my daughter including that she would graduate high school.Letting go of the house would free you from a huge burden..Tally put it so well..the house or your sanity..
You asked about enabling..to me monitoring or supplying alcohol or drugs is enabling, paying bills is enabling,staying around putting myself through utter hell when others aren't doing anything to help themselves is enabling.Oh honey..I can relate to the wanting to check out thing..except WE see where it would lead us and do NOT want to go there..but how tempting to get blotto and have no responsibilities?
Your counselor sounds right on the money EXCEPT you DO NOT know that he will die..I have heard and seen amazing recoveries..alanon gave me hope and serenity..please go..you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
You asked about enabling..to me monitoring or supplying alcohol or drugs is enabling, paying bills is enabling,staying around putting myself through utter hell when others aren't doing anything to help themselves is enabling.Oh honey..I can relate to the wanting to check out thing..except WE see where it would lead us and do NOT want to go there..but how tempting to get blotto and have no responsibilities?
Your counselor sounds right on the money EXCEPT you DO NOT know that he will die..I have heard and seen amazing recoveries..alanon gave me hope and serenity..please go..you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: wichita ks
Posts: 9
I soo appreciate the support. I know the best thing to do is to wash my hands of the chaos. it was much easier to be away. (I spent 10 yrs in other states away from family). I just have to buck up and go somewhere I can save my money and my sanity. If my mom happens to lose the house then I will just have help her move out and store her belongings and take what is important to me. I know my sis isn't gonna hang out very long because she has a nack for running back to her father if the ride get bumpy. Right now shes happy because she can run the streets all night and I have to get up with her 2 yr old because she won't.If I am not here it may get too un fun here lol.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hey, stuck,
welcome to the sober recovery community! this is a great board, and the f & f is a great forum - you have come to the right place if you want to try and find a way out of craziness.
i understand how and why you are stuck, and i wouldn't act like it's easy for you to leave.
but...i think you do want to find a way out, and i would just say at this point, that you really don't have to be stuck in the midst. it is a choice, just a hard one.
maybe you can devise an exit plan?
we're here to help
welcome to the sober recovery community! this is a great board, and the f & f is a great forum - you have come to the right place if you want to try and find a way out of craziness.
i understand how and why you are stuck, and i wouldn't act like it's easy for you to leave.
but...i think you do want to find a way out, and i would just say at this point, that you really don't have to be stuck in the midst. it is a choice, just a hard one.
maybe you can devise an exit plan?
we're here to help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: wichita ks
Posts: 9
still here
I have decided to go on and leave tomorrow. I have just been sitting here thinking and not 1 good thing has ever came of this house. I was once a mother of a very loving beautiful little girl and it was being here that started my ugly road to losing the greatest love of my life. It was in this house that my mother allowed my sister to steal my first love out from under me. It was this house where due to my mother spending more time at the bar than home that I lost even more of my innocence because when she wasn't home it was open season for my brothers friends and neighborhood alley cats to abuse me! Its been in this house that I have watched myself get pushed around used and humiliated. It was my mother who never stood up for me! When my mom actually took me out of this house to a small town in a school were I was not put in "special" classes and I even managed to make the honor roll It was stolen from me. My cousin moved in with us and he me at every opportunity. Instead of standing up for me she moved me back to this house back to my "special" classes and back to more torment and buried the situation! While my cousin went on to join the army do 2 tours in Iraq get promoted to drill instructor marry a great women and have 2 awesome little girls. I am not allowed to hold a grudge or really even mention the "situation" because he died.It was in this house not 2 months ago that I was subjected to my mother and aunt sitting here laughing and jokeing about the size of my cousins "asset" and what a waste it was he wasn't here anymore. It was my mom who kust let it slide when I was abused by my english tutor although I did go thru the r.k. in the hospital that night. It was in this house that I got the call from the detective informing me that there would be no charges because they believed it was "consentual".
I was just sitting here thinking about all the things that this house REALLY mean to me. It was this house that I was banished to from my Dad because my mother chose to cheat on my Dad. For the love of all! Dad left me at home with mom and took my bro and sis on an overnight fishing trip. SOO mommy gives me nyquil to put me to sleep. I accidently woke up to early couldn't find her aanywhere and just thought she was at work, so I call work (911 dispatcher). The lady working puts 2 and 2 together sends a police officer out to sit with me and puts a.p.b.s out for my mom and dad. They found her IN A BAR with another man!!! My life up until that point was almost normal!!
So here I sit really worried about these people who in my life have never once rallied round me and supported me. Everytime I have found even the slightest bit of happiness it been on my own away from hell!!so why why why do I feel even the slightest bit of remorse,worry, or responsibility for the loss of this house of horrors?? I know this all sounds super unbelievable but this is my life.They say God will only give You what he knows You can handle. I say I wish I wasn't so trusted. I don't even know whats left for me? I will never have a relationship with a "normal man" because I come with more baggage than the lost and found at JFK.I can't really hold a steady job because I am severelly mentally scarred. If I walk away I will not have any family although I didn't real have any to begin with. So whats out there for me?? A life alone people feeling sorry for me? how do I get passed this??
I was just sitting here thinking about all the things that this house REALLY mean to me. It was this house that I was banished to from my Dad because my mother chose to cheat on my Dad. For the love of all! Dad left me at home with mom and took my bro and sis on an overnight fishing trip. SOO mommy gives me nyquil to put me to sleep. I accidently woke up to early couldn't find her aanywhere and just thought she was at work, so I call work (911 dispatcher). The lady working puts 2 and 2 together sends a police officer out to sit with me and puts a.p.b.s out for my mom and dad. They found her IN A BAR with another man!!! My life up until that point was almost normal!!
So here I sit really worried about these people who in my life have never once rallied round me and supported me. Everytime I have found even the slightest bit of happiness it been on my own away from hell!!so why why why do I feel even the slightest bit of remorse,worry, or responsibility for the loss of this house of horrors?? I know this all sounds super unbelievable but this is my life.They say God will only give You what he knows You can handle. I say I wish I wasn't so trusted. I don't even know whats left for me? I will never have a relationship with a "normal man" because I come with more baggage than the lost and found at JFK.I can't really hold a steady job because I am severelly mentally scarred. If I walk away I will not have any family although I didn't real have any to begin with. So whats out there for me?? A life alone people feeling sorry for me? how do I get passed this??
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Dear stuckinthemidst,
Where are you going to? do you have a safe place to go to?
I am learning family does not have to have your blood or last name. You have us here in SR for a start. Recovering and taking charge of your life will bring new healthier people to your life. Even if you don't want to meet anyone, lol. They will come. And you will be choosing better, who deserves your time and who doesn't. That is how it was for me.
I have been abused and have gone through humiliating stuff just seeking morsels of love and attention. It is very hard to recognize this incredible void in me. I am angry with many people and angry with myself for believing at any time I deserved that kind of cruelty. I never deserved it.
I have gone to therapists and recently found one I can trust more. I am understanding many things about myself. I am realizing many of my feelings and attitudes have been learned from other people. I am finding out who I am.... it sucks often... tonight has been hard. But the great people here in SR and some real life angels have taught me I am not alone and that it is in my hands to feel better. That includes forgiving and inner work. That work is very very hard but there are payoffs. Incredible payoffs. I am rambling here but I am glad you no longer want to be in the frequency of pain. You are already choosing something different. That is wonderful.
There is much to look forward to. Take deep breaths. Let us know how you feel and how we can help. I had faith in nothing and was even becoming suicidal,2 years ago. Very depressed and angry. HP has sent me healers and messengers-even 2 cats!- and has renewed my Hope. One step at a time. You are worth a lot and deserve peace, a new chapter in your life. If you can imagine it, it is possible. It is already yours.
Where are you going to? do you have a safe place to go to?
I am learning family does not have to have your blood or last name. You have us here in SR for a start. Recovering and taking charge of your life will bring new healthier people to your life. Even if you don't want to meet anyone, lol. They will come. And you will be choosing better, who deserves your time and who doesn't. That is how it was for me.
I have been abused and have gone through humiliating stuff just seeking morsels of love and attention. It is very hard to recognize this incredible void in me. I am angry with many people and angry with myself for believing at any time I deserved that kind of cruelty. I never deserved it.
I have gone to therapists and recently found one I can trust more. I am understanding many things about myself. I am realizing many of my feelings and attitudes have been learned from other people. I am finding out who I am.... it sucks often... tonight has been hard. But the great people here in SR and some real life angels have taught me I am not alone and that it is in my hands to feel better. That includes forgiving and inner work. That work is very very hard but there are payoffs. Incredible payoffs. I am rambling here but I am glad you no longer want to be in the frequency of pain. You are already choosing something different. That is wonderful.
There is much to look forward to. Take deep breaths. Let us know how you feel and how we can help. I had faith in nothing and was even becoming suicidal,2 years ago. Very depressed and angry. HP has sent me healers and messengers-even 2 cats!- and has renewed my Hope. One step at a time. You are worth a lot and deserve peace, a new chapter in your life. If you can imagine it, it is possible. It is already yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: wichita ks
Posts: 9
I still have no idea were I am going but anywhere is better than here. I am super broke at the moment because I finally decided to apply for disability and am currently playing the waiting game.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi again!
Well, I've a suggestion (and only a suggestion) ONE thing to do
starting right now -
keep all your money you have left...for yourself.
In your first post you talked about giving up a thousand dollars
just to keep things afloat or whatever.
Make a promise to yourself you won't do that again.
It's a start anyhow.
Have you tried to find a meeting in your area yet?
Connecting yourself to recovery
is going to open doors for you
that you never knew were there, hon.
It's when things calm down
that we get lulled into thinking
it's finaly going to get better.
It isnt.
It's a cycle.
((hugs)) on a monday to you!
Well, I've a suggestion (and only a suggestion) ONE thing to do
starting right now -
keep all your money you have left...for yourself.
In your first post you talked about giving up a thousand dollars
just to keep things afloat or whatever.
Make a promise to yourself you won't do that again.
It's a start anyhow.
Have you tried to find a meeting in your area yet?
Connecting yourself to recovery
is going to open doors for you
that you never knew were there, hon.
It's when things calm down
that we get lulled into thinking
it's finaly going to get better.
It isnt.
It's a cycle.
((hugs)) on a monday to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I agree with Barb..keep your money, get to an alanon meeting to get some support.I am really sorry for all that has happened to you and that you weren't protected as a child.But now you are starting to protect YOURSELF and that is awesome!
SOmetimes anger can be good..it can motivate you to get out of a bad situation which you seemed determined to do...that is a really good step!
SOmetimes anger can be good..it can motivate you to get out of a bad situation which you seemed determined to do...that is a really good step!
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