I am new here... my husband is addicted to painkillers... and I don't know what to do
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Va
Posts: 17
I am new here... my husband is addicted to painkillers... and I don't know what to do
Hello. I am new to this forum.
Over the last few months, I have been noticing strange numbers on my husband's phone/phone bill. I thought he was cheating on me at first. Today I found a number that I know to be a girl's number. This girl and her husband sell drugs. I noticed over the last few bills that the numbers have shown up and last only a minute. I had an inkling that it was drugs, so I asked him who the number was (even though I knew) he at first said he didn't know, then I told him not to lie to me. He told me he was a drug addict, and he was addicted to painkillers. I feel like someone has ripped me apart inside. I don't know what to believe. I'm in disbelief actually. I've noticed odd behavior for a while now. His eyes are always blood shot, his appetite is non-existant, and he has lost a lot of weight. I thought he was a diabetic at first. Crazy. He is 26, I am 24, and we have a son together. He told me that coming home and seeing us is the only thing that keeps him clean, but when he goes to work (he works in construction, so he can get his hands on whatever and not worry about being drug tested) he can't fight the addiction, and sometimes he can't even when he's at home, I have noticed that he leaves randomly... he looks for reasons to go out, which is why I thought he was cheating, but the time he is gone isn't enough to be cheating, at least I don't think... cheating aside, he might have a bigger problem and that's addiction.. I love him and I want to help him.. he says he has tried to clean up and even went to a clinic, but he is always here is the thing.. i'm still confused.. i don't know what to believe.. i feel so helpless and lost.. please help me.
he wants help. i do know that much. he told me tonight he tried to quit, he went for six days... and i remember it now, he was up all night for most of that week... i just didn't know it was b/c of drugs. i thought it, but i pushed it to the back of my head, because let's face it... sometimes we don't want to believe the people we love do this... please help.
Over the last few months, I have been noticing strange numbers on my husband's phone/phone bill. I thought he was cheating on me at first. Today I found a number that I know to be a girl's number. This girl and her husband sell drugs. I noticed over the last few bills that the numbers have shown up and last only a minute. I had an inkling that it was drugs, so I asked him who the number was (even though I knew) he at first said he didn't know, then I told him not to lie to me. He told me he was a drug addict, and he was addicted to painkillers. I feel like someone has ripped me apart inside. I don't know what to believe. I'm in disbelief actually. I've noticed odd behavior for a while now. His eyes are always blood shot, his appetite is non-existant, and he has lost a lot of weight. I thought he was a diabetic at first. Crazy. He is 26, I am 24, and we have a son together. He told me that coming home and seeing us is the only thing that keeps him clean, but when he goes to work (he works in construction, so he can get his hands on whatever and not worry about being drug tested) he can't fight the addiction, and sometimes he can't even when he's at home, I have noticed that he leaves randomly... he looks for reasons to go out, which is why I thought he was cheating, but the time he is gone isn't enough to be cheating, at least I don't think... cheating aside, he might have a bigger problem and that's addiction.. I love him and I want to help him.. he says he has tried to clean up and even went to a clinic, but he is always here is the thing.. i'm still confused.. i don't know what to believe.. i feel so helpless and lost.. please help me.
he wants help. i do know that much. he told me tonight he tried to quit, he went for six days... and i remember it now, he was up all night for most of that week... i just didn't know it was b/c of drugs. i thought it, but i pushed it to the back of my head, because let's face it... sometimes we don't want to believe the people we love do this... please help.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
LonelyDreamer,
I am so glad you found this forum. I don't know how much you have read here, but there is a wealth of information, guidance, support.
This is a process. You will need to find your own way through this fire you find yourself walking in. My hope is that you will walk through it and not stay floundering in it for very long.
There is much to learn.
I believe you when you say he does want to get off the madness roller coaster. I loved a man for many years - still do - but his desire to get off of it was not enough. He took me on that roller coaster for a time and it wasn't until I realized that my love and help was not enough and that if he was going to get better it would be with or without me, and not because of me, that I did get off. I miss him almost every day, but my life is so much better - richer, saner, and peaceful - since the day I said goodbye.
There are no "half-way" measures. He may quit for awhile - a few days or a couple months - and then the demons that call him back get so strong. My belief is that he needs a very good support system (more than just a wife) and a strong "program" to keep that monkey off for good. The odds are tough even with those things, and almost nil without them.
Best to you; please come here as often as you like. We're here for you.
I am so glad you found this forum. I don't know how much you have read here, but there is a wealth of information, guidance, support.
This is a process. You will need to find your own way through this fire you find yourself walking in. My hope is that you will walk through it and not stay floundering in it for very long.
There is much to learn.
I believe you when you say he does want to get off the madness roller coaster. I loved a man for many years - still do - but his desire to get off of it was not enough. He took me on that roller coaster for a time and it wasn't until I realized that my love and help was not enough and that if he was going to get better it would be with or without me, and not because of me, that I did get off. I miss him almost every day, but my life is so much better - richer, saner, and peaceful - since the day I said goodbye.
There are no "half-way" measures. He may quit for awhile - a few days or a couple months - and then the demons that call him back get so strong. My belief is that he needs a very good support system (more than just a wife) and a strong "program" to keep that monkey off for good. The odds are tough even with those things, and almost nil without them.
Best to you; please come here as often as you like. We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR....I'm so glad that you found this forum. There are so many of us here who love someone who is addicted to drugs.
The tough part for those of us who are NOT addicted to drugs is to understand why the heck our loved one can't just stop. Unfortunately it's not that easy---but since we've not experienced addiction, we don't know what to do or what to say to help them. And we feel that it's our job to help them.
The best thing you can do for yourself and for your husband is to educate yourself on addiction and recovery. Knowledge will help you understand that we can't make them stop but we can keep ourselves sane.
I hope you stick around. Read the sticky notes at the top of this forum. And know that you aren't alone.
gentle hugs
The tough part for those of us who are NOT addicted to drugs is to understand why the heck our loved one can't just stop. Unfortunately it's not that easy---but since we've not experienced addiction, we don't know what to do or what to say to help them. And we feel that it's our job to help them.
The best thing you can do for yourself and for your husband is to educate yourself on addiction and recovery. Knowledge will help you understand that we can't make them stop but we can keep ourselves sane.
I hope you stick around. Read the sticky notes at the top of this forum. And know that you aren't alone.
gentle hugs
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Like your husband, he doesn't want to be on them either.
But here's the thing:
They have to seek help from the professionals. There are places they can go if they truly want to find sobriety...they just have to get there on their own. Find their own bottom. Seek out help from the people who can guide them...and it's not us. <-- that's the toughest part for us to understand.
There isn't anything you can do to help him quit. To keep him sober. That is a path he has to take all on his own.
Funny you mentioned "I thought he was cheating on me at first. ".
I used to call the pills "his mistress". Sure felt like he was cheating on me.
Lying, no sex, disappearing, secret phone calls...etc. Felt exactly the same as if there was another woman in his life!
But here's what you CAN do...read EVERYTHING you can on here. The stickies at the top of the FORUMS page is an excellent place to start. You are going to be looking for answers on how to help him, at first. But as you keep reaching out, you will begin to realize that you will be finding the answers to help yourself.
Good you came here.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
That's strange...the top portion of my reply didn't post. Hmmm.
Here is is:
Lonely Dreamer,
Welcome to SR.
My ex is addicted to painkillers as well. We were together for 10 years, and he's been battling his addiction to them for 11 years.
(....beginning of above reply)
Here is is:
Lonely Dreamer,
Welcome to SR.
My ex is addicted to painkillers as well. We were together for 10 years, and he's been battling his addiction to them for 11 years.
(....beginning of above reply)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
You are going to be looking for answers on how to help him, at first. But as you keep reaching out, you will begin to realize that you will be finding the answers to help yourself.
So very true.....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I highly reccomend you go to alanon or naranon..they will help you learn the difference between enabling and helping.My daughter tried to quit opiates by herself..didn't work..people need proffessional help and support.If he's serious..how about in patient treatment?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Welcome to SR. My RABF was addicted to pain killers for 7 years. He has been clean for 2. Addiction is an awful things, and the pain killers are insidious. I tried to do everything for my ABF, but I couldn't save him. He had to receive treatment and go through a lot of recovery. I had to learn how to stop trying to "cure" him and how to take care of myself. A really good book for you to read is Codependent No More. This is a great site full of good people who can help you. Have you read the stickies at the top of the page? I really like the one "What Addicts Do." SR has really helped me learn about addiction, about setting boundaries, and about taking care of myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Va
Posts: 17
Thank all of you for your responses. They have all helped me greatly.
Trying to keep myself together has been the hardest part. I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand directions. I honestly feel like I'm losing my sanity, I break down and cry at random times... and cry for hours... just listening to music to try and keep my mind from thinking. All I can think is how easy this is for him, if he doesn't (or didn't) want to feel, all he had to do was take a pill. I'm stuck with the feelings, and I feel like MY life is falling apart. The way he says it makes me sound like he's going to quit and not return - just saying that it's his problem, I mean, the things you all have told me he has said to me as well - that it's his problem that only he can fix & he knows that once he quits, he won't do it again. But how can anyone assure that? I want him to find a new job with new people - b/c he seems to think once he's quit, he can go back around the same people who do pills and get pills and ask him to get pills for them and be fine.. he seems to think he will be able to tell them no, and part of me believes that and the other part knows that this is an addiction problem. He's known for almost three years - I've known for three days. I feel like I'm making it worse for him because I can't even keep myself together... I just want the pain to stop and it won't. Throughout the day, I battle so many emotions that I honestly and truly feel like my sanity is leaving me. I don't want him to leave the house alone because I don't believe that he won't go to a dealer's house, I want to know who's calling and what they want, I have looked through his phone.. and admitting this makes me feel like complete ****, to put it simply. I am ashamed of my own behavior. I am mad because I cannot believe he is so selfish, and I want him to completely cut ties with everyone he knows that's mixed up with pills & he won't - so, my question is if he can't, are we (my son and me) really more important?
Trying to keep myself together has been the hardest part. I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand directions. I honestly feel like I'm losing my sanity, I break down and cry at random times... and cry for hours... just listening to music to try and keep my mind from thinking. All I can think is how easy this is for him, if he doesn't (or didn't) want to feel, all he had to do was take a pill. I'm stuck with the feelings, and I feel like MY life is falling apart. The way he says it makes me sound like he's going to quit and not return - just saying that it's his problem, I mean, the things you all have told me he has said to me as well - that it's his problem that only he can fix & he knows that once he quits, he won't do it again. But how can anyone assure that? I want him to find a new job with new people - b/c he seems to think once he's quit, he can go back around the same people who do pills and get pills and ask him to get pills for them and be fine.. he seems to think he will be able to tell them no, and part of me believes that and the other part knows that this is an addiction problem. He's known for almost three years - I've known for three days. I feel like I'm making it worse for him because I can't even keep myself together... I just want the pain to stop and it won't. Throughout the day, I battle so many emotions that I honestly and truly feel like my sanity is leaving me. I don't want him to leave the house alone because I don't believe that he won't go to a dealer's house, I want to know who's calling and what they want, I have looked through his phone.. and admitting this makes me feel like complete ****, to put it simply. I am ashamed of my own behavior. I am mad because I cannot believe he is so selfish, and I want him to completely cut ties with everyone he knows that's mixed up with pills & he won't - so, my question is if he can't, are we (my son and me) really more important?
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 17
lonelydreamer, I am so glad that I read your post. I am sorry that you are in this position, but i am in the same spot, I'm 24 my AH is 26 and we have a 5 mo daughter. i found our about my AH's pain pill addiction about a month after I found out i was pregnant, and didn;t tell anyone, i wouldn't even post on here about it until three months ago. i kept quiet and listened to him tell me all about how he would get better for me and our daughter and for himself, until our daughter was 2 months old I didn't say anything to anyone.
Then one day I found myself and my wonderful 2 month old standing outside my office 2 hours before we opened (I had left my key at home that day), crying uncontrollably, while he drove off and took our the last bit of money from our bank account, which was to buy diapers, to his dealers house. That was it I had nothing left, I called my family and his and got everything out of my house and left. Which was sad because it all fit into one car, he had sold everything else.
I hope things haven't got that bad for you yet and i hope they don't but that is probably the only thing I am really sure of at all right now is i dont keep secrets for my AH, I dont make up excuses and I dont put on a happy face for anyone anymore, to cover up how he is acting. i think that is the only thing that has gotten me this far is getting it out and not holding things in.
Then one day I found myself and my wonderful 2 month old standing outside my office 2 hours before we opened (I had left my key at home that day), crying uncontrollably, while he drove off and took our the last bit of money from our bank account, which was to buy diapers, to his dealers house. That was it I had nothing left, I called my family and his and got everything out of my house and left. Which was sad because it all fit into one car, he had sold everything else.
I hope things haven't got that bad for you yet and i hope they don't but that is probably the only thing I am really sure of at all right now is i dont keep secrets for my AH, I dont make up excuses and I dont put on a happy face for anyone anymore, to cover up how he is acting. i think that is the only thing that has gotten me this far is getting it out and not holding things in.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"But how can anyone assure that?"
You can't. An addict lives every day with the possibility of a relapse for the rest of their lives. Their addiction doesn't just magically go away. They have to work a very strong, solid program and get help from people who CAN help.
This is not you.
If you choose to stay with him, understand that if and when he decides to go to treatment, and get help...it is only the beginning. The hard part is when they have to live "out here" and learn how to function and feel without the drugs.
I've noticed you keep blaming the others in his life for his drug seeking behavior.
No one else is responsible for him taking drugs except him.
Period.
You can try to lock him away in a closet...all isolated and away from all "those" people...but if he wants to use, he will claw himself a good tunnel to get out of that closet....
and he will use.
"I just want the pain to stop and it won't."
Nothing changes if nothing changes lonelydreamer.
This must begin with you.
You can't. An addict lives every day with the possibility of a relapse for the rest of their lives. Their addiction doesn't just magically go away. They have to work a very strong, solid program and get help from people who CAN help.
This is not you.
If you choose to stay with him, understand that if and when he decides to go to treatment, and get help...it is only the beginning. The hard part is when they have to live "out here" and learn how to function and feel without the drugs.
I've noticed you keep blaming the others in his life for his drug seeking behavior.
No one else is responsible for him taking drugs except him.
Period.
You can try to lock him away in a closet...all isolated and away from all "those" people...but if he wants to use, he will claw himself a good tunnel to get out of that closet....
and he will use.
"I just want the pain to stop and it won't."
Nothing changes if nothing changes lonelydreamer.
This must begin with you.
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