mrsck09

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and will have a Happy New Year!

I glad to say I made sure my kids had a great christmas with there father being absent . He got busted on probation and has been locked up since 12/17. January 6th is his next court date. I just wondering how other people have handled this as far as accepting calls, sending money, visiting,ect. I have a roller coaster of emotions and working my alnon program but some days are so hard like today! I let him talk to the kids and he tells them hes in school.
Thanks to alnon i have held it together for them and family but inside im so angry, hurt and frustrated ! I work full time , trying to keep the roof over our head and being single mom of a 2 & 4.
I am greatful for my family that has stepped up and helped me out during this time. im going to force myself to go out tomorrow with some friends. I just need me time!
for listening

Kindeyes

It sounds like you are handling a difficult situation with grace. That's wonderful.

Children at ages 2 & 4 don't really understand what jail is all about. He is in "school". Let's hope he learns something!

This has to be really tough for you this time of year with two little ones. I'm glad to hear that you have wonderful family support, going to meetings, and taking some time for yourself. All of those things will help you stay balanced in a situation that could knock anyone off center.

gentle hugs

outtolunch

His choices landed him in jail. Can you consider giving him the gift of dignity to realize the full consequences of his choices, without trying to cushion it for him?

Trying to maintain a perception of normal for the kids when one parent is an addict is impossible.

tuffenuff

As far as I know, jobs in jail are NOT for pay, and no you cannot send money home. You can release money to someone I tihnk if you were arrested with it.

Prison maybe you can do that, but jail no way. I doubt if they make enough even in prison to send anything home....

rayofsunshine

I put a limit on how much he could call... like once a week or once a month. Those calls ran like $6 each for about 10 min. As far as sending $ for his account, I did it a couple times for like $10... he understood I didn't have extra to send and would call his mom and sisters and they would send him $.

Once my exAH sentence was activated (violated probation too many times) I didn't send $ to prison... he got a job and got money in his account... it wasn't much but it paid for necessities for him. I accepted one phone call once a month from him. Visits were not regular as it was a hardship for me... he was about hr & half away, and gas was too expensive. I did visit once every 3 months or so, sometimes alone, sometimes with one of my two youngest kids. My oldest daughter never went. My kids were older, like 15,13 and 9 and I gave them the choice. I didn't enjoy the process of visiting... checking in with your license, going through metal detectors, sitting on opposite side of table, etc. It's not a very good place for children, I agree, although on visitation days it was packed with lots of family members, children included.

My exAH was there for 18 months. By the time he went, I had found SR and been working on "me". I put boundaries in place on the things I would or would not do, like the phones calls, money and visits. When it was time for him to be released, I was ready to be done with living with addiction, but felt I needed to give him one more chance, since he had done so good in prison and talked about how he had found the Lord there and had changed.

I had a list of boundaries I made him read complete with a place for his signature when he was released. That didn't go so well, made him angry, imagine that... Anyway, he did pretty good for the first 4-5 months, found a job, had a garden. But he left his new found religion at the prison when he left... along with any recovery he picked up at the NA meetings there... all that stopped once he came home.. no more church and no more meetings. Started hanging with old friends, relapsed, and we separated 9 months after his release.

It's hard being a single parent while they are away... financially and emotionally. Make your well-being #1 priority... the kids need one good parent. ((HUGS))) I know how hard this is...

outtolunch

I have never dealt with the prison system. A google search revealed that prisoners are able to earn money for amenities and are able to send it home to family members and to approved charities.

Here's an excerpt of a 2010 story from Nebraska:

"Nearly Nebraska 200 prison inmates have donated more than $2,000 to the American Red Cross for relief in Haiti.

Inmates aren't allowed to send money out to anyone except family, but department leaders decided to allow an exception for the Haiti relief and posted a memo letting inmates know how they could donate, Smith said.

He said many people don't know that inmates send money home for support and pay for their own amenities in prison.

Inmates are paid $1.21 to $3.78 per day for jobs within the prison system. About 15 percent of the approximately 4,500 inmates work in higher-paying prison industry jobs, according to a news release."

Carol Star

My X was locked up while we were married for his umteenth DUI. It was before I was in Alanon and learned about enabling. I sent $, excepted calls, went to see him every week(60) miles. I called the jailed and protested when he said there was no toilet paper. Well he got out 6 months later and he went back to all the illegal, scary behaviors. Now after a divorce and 5 years in Alanon I don't think I would do it again. I would accept a 2 minute call from him per week to talk to his kids 1 minute each. The money I sent he used for crap like candybars. I wouldn't do that. The more he would feel the consequences (no tp) the better. He was there for a reason. I wouldn't feel sorry for him again. It was the only sober time he ever had. He needed to feel.

hello-kitty

Wow. This could be my story too - all of it, the boundaries, everything. My ex went to prison two separate times during the first 3 years of my son's life and I took him back both times. He fell back into the same old lifestyle each time. It destroyed my son. He's 5 now. He had show and tell at school today. He brought a build-a-bear that WE had made together several years ago. I asked him what story he was going to tell the kids at school about the bear and he told me all about how his daddy and him went to the build-a-bear workshop for his daddy's work christmas party and they made this bear together and ate ice cream. And now his daddy lives in Montana and doesn't see him anymore.

Completely made up story. His dad never took him to build-a-bear and is an active crack/meth head living about 5 miles from us.

I was the one who took him to build a bear for MY work Christmas party. His dad was in prison at the time.

What can you do though. I just let it go. He's so hurt by his father (and I guess in a way that is my fault for letting his dad come in and out of the first three years of his life.)

I have such regrets for that. I'd like to save other people from making the same mistake if I can. wish I would have NEVER let my ex come back into our house after he went to prison the first time. Even the second time...

hello-kitty

Oh GEEZ. I haven't heard from my ex since last May. That means my son hasn't heard from his father since last May. Well, a good friend of mine (recovering addict) just emailed me to let me know he's been blowing up her phone all day trying to get my telephone number. She didn't give it to him. Thank god. The nerve. After more than 6 months, he's trying to get in touch with his son? Puhhhhhhlease. Like I'm even going to let that happen.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.