new here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 36
new here
I came across this site a couple day ago and think maybe I should post something...
The first post I read I swear I thought I wrote it myself. About sleeping with your keys and phone in your pockets and purse under your pillow...yup, thats me. I have been living that way for years.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 13 years. Or ex-boyfriend now. I was 18 years old when I moved in with him. I am now 31 and we have a 6-year old child. The first couple years were great and we were perfect for each other. Within a few years into our relationship he started using cocaine, which was followed by crack. This went on for years and lasted until our son was about 2 years old. In fact I caught him with a crack pipe in his sock when I was in labor. He severely burned his leg to hide it there. He smoked it in the bathroom attached right to my room. Then me made an excuse about letting the cat outside by mistake and wanting to go home to look for her. I demanded he not leave (because I knew he would clean out the house), but his mother told me to let him go and not wanting to tell her about what he had in his sock, I had to just give up as I was busy giving freakin birth. He went to impatient programs 6 times over the years and started to get better on his own within the first few years after our son was born (relapsing once every few months rather than daily use from the years before). The story is the same as the ones I read here. He lost his job in the beginning and I supported him. He worked a few jobs here and there, but never stuck to anything. We fought but I always believed his lies about wanting to change.
He drank, but it was never really a problem in itself. He even started going back to school and was a year clean a year into school with a 4.0. Then over the summer he got injured and shattered his knuckle playing softball. He started seeing a pain therapist and was eventually put on Oxycontin 20mg 3x a day. To my knowledge never touched crack after he tasted that. He ended up making all kinds of friends that also used this drug and he would "hang-out" with them all the time. He cheated on me with a girl who he was sniffing the stuff with and thats when things got really bad in the relationship because I felt so hurt and knew at this point, it wasn't all about the drug, it was him and it had changed him. He ended up failing out of school a week before graduating because he made a mistake during his final clinical rotation and then getting snotty about it with the head of the nursing dept. Thats when the drinking got really bad.
We fought all the time. Really bad. He would steal from me all the time. He would steal things just to make me mad, like hide my glasses or shoes that he knew I needed. Last year he hit me when we were driving with our son in the back seat and I called the police. They didn't arrest him then because they said they didn't believe me, but later issued a warrant and picked him up a month later.
The night before going to court for it (my dad bailed him out since he finally was working and didn't want him to loose his job) he fell down the basement stairs and broke both his arms, one very severely and needed major reconstructive surgery. So his doc just upped his meds to 40mg of oxy 3x a day. This was a year ago.
The drinking is horrible. After an 8 month absence from disability he went back to work in August. He works till 11pm and doesnt come home until 4 or 5 am every night drunk. He sleeps all day and is late back for work everyday. Of coarse he still sincerely believes that "If I just didn't get so mad" then it wouldn't be a problem.
Theres so much I could say that I just dont know what to pick and choose to explain my story. He drives drunk all the time and recently had begun to do it when our son was in the car.
On December 5th, we got into another fight. Actually, in comparison it wasn't even that bad, but he called the cops on "me" because I broke a table his dad gave him. It wasn't even a nice table and it had been recently glued and I was trying to get out of the room as it fell over. I was so mad that when they got there and he was screaming to have me arrested, I told them about his outstanding warrant for never paying his fine last year. He was taken to jail and the cops (state troopers actually because I live in a rural area) were more than happy because he was drunk and aggressive towards them. They were also at our house many time in the past year where they couldn't do anything, like after he crashed my truck in the driveway drunk and they couldn't arrest him because he claimed he started drinking after he got home.
So I went the next day and got a restraining order and temp sole custody. So when nobody would bail him out, 8 days later leaving jail he had no where to go because he couldnt come back. He ended up staying with a freind that lived next to his work and by some miracle still has his job. The judge was going to not allow visitation, but being christmas, I felt bad and he put in orders to allow supervised visitation at his mothers at my discretion until the next court date.
Although I am only supposed to talk to him to arrange when to visit our son, I have spoke to him a couple times about things. He shows no remorse what so ever. He still blames me saying that I cause the fights because I get mad and that its my fault things are bad between us because he does nothing wrong and his drinking is completely under control and he does not have a drug problem at all...which is just insane that he thinks all that.
He gave his mother permission to talk to the jail during his 8 day stay in which he was in the med ward the entire time from withdrawal. The doc told his mother that he was in alcohol withdrawal and he denies it saying the doc is wrong and that it was withdrawal from his pain meds and couldn't possibly have been in alcohol withdrawal because he only has a few beers a night (totally untrue, he lies everynight about how much he drank and EVERY night he only had a few beers, yet can hardly talk, walk, or hold his eye lids open when he does manage to mutter out words). His mother told me that an hour after being released from jail, he had went to her house to get his paycheck (that I gave to her so he wouldnt contact me for it) and he was already drinking...even after that 8 day detox.
So we have to go to court on TUESDAY and I don't know what to do. Of coarse I miss him, I mean we have been together my entire adult life and we have a child together. I've never lived without him. But I miss the old him from 10 years ago when we were young. He has been out of the house and I STILL sleep with my possessions under me. I sleep on the couch everynight in fear he will show up in the middle of the night one night and I want to see him coming. This is INSANE! I have no friends anymore as my life became consumed my our relationship and the problems. My family doesnt understand and even though they tell me how bad he is and to "get rid of him", its not just that simple even though they are right, they just dont get it and it just makes me mad and want to stay with him more when they act like that. His mother too, his whole family can't stand him because of what he has done to everyone. I got my bachelors degree and graduated with a 3.9 during all this mess! Now I'm trying to take graduate courses and I just can't do it anymore and I'm falling apart! I know that him leaving is going to help me put things back together slowly, but this past year was just the worse ever. Maybe because the worst problem in the last year being drinking, its just harder to admit a problem since its so well socially accepted. I never drink because I fear that it would show I approve of him doing it. How sad is that? I went to my company Christmas party 2 weeks ago and had 2 drinks and it was awesome for me to have fun like that with people I get along with!
I have such mixed emotions right now. I'm mad, angry, sad, depressed, lonely, hurt....then I think that maybe he has learned something and I speak to him and hes so cocky. I don't want to ever let him back in the house. But I fear that I will. I don't know what to say in court Tuesday. I want to ask for rehab. I know he's gone before, but it was never for alcohol or oxy, always for crack. I think that if he could only get sober long enough to think clearly he may be able to help himself and save himself to have a relationship with our son. I live in fear now that my child will grow up to be an addict.
I am worried that he will get visitation and I will be forced to take my son to his friends scummy party house. I have no proof of current drug use or drinking. He's legally prescribed this insane dose of medicine. I have police reports with the officer saying hes drunk. He just denies any problem. And to top it all off, he just told me yesterday that the friend he's staying with was just ordered rehab because he showed up to a mandatory semi-weekly drug screening, drunk.
Here I am thinking I would post something short since my story has been told a million times, but I'm still rambling on about all this crap he did. I don't want to let him back, but I don't know any other life. I am so scared about what to do in court and I don't want to scream all these accusations without proof, but if I don't include enough he may be allowed alone with him and drink around him and drive him drunk somewhere. He wasn't around for the initial hearing so the judge just based it on what I said. I feel every emotion possible right now and the strongest one keeps changing by the minute.
The first post I read I swear I thought I wrote it myself. About sleeping with your keys and phone in your pockets and purse under your pillow...yup, thats me. I have been living that way for years.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 13 years. Or ex-boyfriend now. I was 18 years old when I moved in with him. I am now 31 and we have a 6-year old child. The first couple years were great and we were perfect for each other. Within a few years into our relationship he started using cocaine, which was followed by crack. This went on for years and lasted until our son was about 2 years old. In fact I caught him with a crack pipe in his sock when I was in labor. He severely burned his leg to hide it there. He smoked it in the bathroom attached right to my room. Then me made an excuse about letting the cat outside by mistake and wanting to go home to look for her. I demanded he not leave (because I knew he would clean out the house), but his mother told me to let him go and not wanting to tell her about what he had in his sock, I had to just give up as I was busy giving freakin birth. He went to impatient programs 6 times over the years and started to get better on his own within the first few years after our son was born (relapsing once every few months rather than daily use from the years before). The story is the same as the ones I read here. He lost his job in the beginning and I supported him. He worked a few jobs here and there, but never stuck to anything. We fought but I always believed his lies about wanting to change.
He drank, but it was never really a problem in itself. He even started going back to school and was a year clean a year into school with a 4.0. Then over the summer he got injured and shattered his knuckle playing softball. He started seeing a pain therapist and was eventually put on Oxycontin 20mg 3x a day. To my knowledge never touched crack after he tasted that. He ended up making all kinds of friends that also used this drug and he would "hang-out" with them all the time. He cheated on me with a girl who he was sniffing the stuff with and thats when things got really bad in the relationship because I felt so hurt and knew at this point, it wasn't all about the drug, it was him and it had changed him. He ended up failing out of school a week before graduating because he made a mistake during his final clinical rotation and then getting snotty about it with the head of the nursing dept. Thats when the drinking got really bad.
We fought all the time. Really bad. He would steal from me all the time. He would steal things just to make me mad, like hide my glasses or shoes that he knew I needed. Last year he hit me when we were driving with our son in the back seat and I called the police. They didn't arrest him then because they said they didn't believe me, but later issued a warrant and picked him up a month later.
The night before going to court for it (my dad bailed him out since he finally was working and didn't want him to loose his job) he fell down the basement stairs and broke both his arms, one very severely and needed major reconstructive surgery. So his doc just upped his meds to 40mg of oxy 3x a day. This was a year ago.
The drinking is horrible. After an 8 month absence from disability he went back to work in August. He works till 11pm and doesnt come home until 4 or 5 am every night drunk. He sleeps all day and is late back for work everyday. Of coarse he still sincerely believes that "If I just didn't get so mad" then it wouldn't be a problem.
Theres so much I could say that I just dont know what to pick and choose to explain my story. He drives drunk all the time and recently had begun to do it when our son was in the car.
On December 5th, we got into another fight. Actually, in comparison it wasn't even that bad, but he called the cops on "me" because I broke a table his dad gave him. It wasn't even a nice table and it had been recently glued and I was trying to get out of the room as it fell over. I was so mad that when they got there and he was screaming to have me arrested, I told them about his outstanding warrant for never paying his fine last year. He was taken to jail and the cops (state troopers actually because I live in a rural area) were more than happy because he was drunk and aggressive towards them. They were also at our house many time in the past year where they couldn't do anything, like after he crashed my truck in the driveway drunk and they couldn't arrest him because he claimed he started drinking after he got home.
So I went the next day and got a restraining order and temp sole custody. So when nobody would bail him out, 8 days later leaving jail he had no where to go because he couldnt come back. He ended up staying with a freind that lived next to his work and by some miracle still has his job. The judge was going to not allow visitation, but being christmas, I felt bad and he put in orders to allow supervised visitation at his mothers at my discretion until the next court date.
Although I am only supposed to talk to him to arrange when to visit our son, I have spoke to him a couple times about things. He shows no remorse what so ever. He still blames me saying that I cause the fights because I get mad and that its my fault things are bad between us because he does nothing wrong and his drinking is completely under control and he does not have a drug problem at all...which is just insane that he thinks all that.
He gave his mother permission to talk to the jail during his 8 day stay in which he was in the med ward the entire time from withdrawal. The doc told his mother that he was in alcohol withdrawal and he denies it saying the doc is wrong and that it was withdrawal from his pain meds and couldn't possibly have been in alcohol withdrawal because he only has a few beers a night (totally untrue, he lies everynight about how much he drank and EVERY night he only had a few beers, yet can hardly talk, walk, or hold his eye lids open when he does manage to mutter out words). His mother told me that an hour after being released from jail, he had went to her house to get his paycheck (that I gave to her so he wouldnt contact me for it) and he was already drinking...even after that 8 day detox.
So we have to go to court on TUESDAY and I don't know what to do. Of coarse I miss him, I mean we have been together my entire adult life and we have a child together. I've never lived without him. But I miss the old him from 10 years ago when we were young. He has been out of the house and I STILL sleep with my possessions under me. I sleep on the couch everynight in fear he will show up in the middle of the night one night and I want to see him coming. This is INSANE! I have no friends anymore as my life became consumed my our relationship and the problems. My family doesnt understand and even though they tell me how bad he is and to "get rid of him", its not just that simple even though they are right, they just dont get it and it just makes me mad and want to stay with him more when they act like that. His mother too, his whole family can't stand him because of what he has done to everyone. I got my bachelors degree and graduated with a 3.9 during all this mess! Now I'm trying to take graduate courses and I just can't do it anymore and I'm falling apart! I know that him leaving is going to help me put things back together slowly, but this past year was just the worse ever. Maybe because the worst problem in the last year being drinking, its just harder to admit a problem since its so well socially accepted. I never drink because I fear that it would show I approve of him doing it. How sad is that? I went to my company Christmas party 2 weeks ago and had 2 drinks and it was awesome for me to have fun like that with people I get along with!
I have such mixed emotions right now. I'm mad, angry, sad, depressed, lonely, hurt....then I think that maybe he has learned something and I speak to him and hes so cocky. I don't want to ever let him back in the house. But I fear that I will. I don't know what to say in court Tuesday. I want to ask for rehab. I know he's gone before, but it was never for alcohol or oxy, always for crack. I think that if he could only get sober long enough to think clearly he may be able to help himself and save himself to have a relationship with our son. I live in fear now that my child will grow up to be an addict.
I am worried that he will get visitation and I will be forced to take my son to his friends scummy party house. I have no proof of current drug use or drinking. He's legally prescribed this insane dose of medicine. I have police reports with the officer saying hes drunk. He just denies any problem. And to top it all off, he just told me yesterday that the friend he's staying with was just ordered rehab because he showed up to a mandatory semi-weekly drug screening, drunk.
Here I am thinking I would post something short since my story has been told a million times, but I'm still rambling on about all this crap he did. I don't want to let him back, but I don't know any other life. I am so scared about what to do in court and I don't want to scream all these accusations without proof, but if I don't include enough he may be allowed alone with him and drink around him and drive him drunk somewhere. He wasn't around for the initial hearing so the judge just based it on what I said. I feel every emotion possible right now and the strongest one keeps changing by the minute.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
I am sorry this is happening to you
Well, so glad you are here, and have found the wonderful support that this forum offers. I am traveling and don't have much time, but I wanted to make a quick comment so that you don't feel alone. Others who have years of wisdom will respond to you, and I'm sending you light and love. This is a painful process and day by day, you must make the decision you feel is right. Of course you have been told to go to Alanon, but you really should. I too have shut myself out from my dearest friends and you need the support that Alanon offers as well as the wisdom. I sure can understand how you still want it to work. My addict Son is still the apple of my eye, when he is not using, and probably always will be. So most people here totally understand your position.......but........ your son needs you to be strong, and I think by you posting here, you have made an enormous stride. Re read your own post, pretend that it is your best friend and God Son, and that might give you some perspective. For me it has been a roller coaster of pain and hope, with some spiritual growth tossed in. Sending all the hope I can from the road..... 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Callie212))) - welcome to SR!
I came here because I was in recovery for my own addiction (crack), but I was drawn to this forum because I've dealt with A's (addicts/alcoholics) my entire adult life. Spent over 20 years with an alcoholic, then a few more years with one, then another crack addict.
It IS hard when you know they can do better, but they don't want to. I had to walk away from my last XABF because he wanted to continue smoking crack, and I didn't want to deal with that any more.
There are sooooo many people here, who know what you're going through...many have been through it. Your first priority is to you and your son. Me, personally, I'd keep the restraining order and go to court with documentation of all the times the police have been called. There are several threads here (you may have to go back a while, but they're here) of parents who have had to deal with having a child, visitation stuff, etc. Check out the F&F/alcoholics, too.
It hurts when we have to walk away. It's like giving up the dream we had of where we were going to be...growing old together, the white picket fence, etc. When an A is using/drinking, though, it really IS just a dream. Even though I'm an RA, but I still keep my guard up around anyone I know has a problem. I live with my dad and stepmom...she's abused meds, stolen mine (for sleep, nothing I even think of abusing), done some bad things, and though she'll say "but that was MONTHS ago", it's still fresh in my mind.
It's hard, it's painful, but it's the best thing you can do for you and your son. I don't know about your bf, but I had to face some pretty harsh consequences to even THINK of recovery, and I am grateful that my family allowed me to fall and figure a way to get back up on my feet again.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I came here because I was in recovery for my own addiction (crack), but I was drawn to this forum because I've dealt with A's (addicts/alcoholics) my entire adult life. Spent over 20 years with an alcoholic, then a few more years with one, then another crack addict.
It IS hard when you know they can do better, but they don't want to. I had to walk away from my last XABF because he wanted to continue smoking crack, and I didn't want to deal with that any more.
There are sooooo many people here, who know what you're going through...many have been through it. Your first priority is to you and your son. Me, personally, I'd keep the restraining order and go to court with documentation of all the times the police have been called. There are several threads here (you may have to go back a while, but they're here) of parents who have had to deal with having a child, visitation stuff, etc. Check out the F&F/alcoholics, too.
It hurts when we have to walk away. It's like giving up the dream we had of where we were going to be...growing old together, the white picket fence, etc. When an A is using/drinking, though, it really IS just a dream. Even though I'm an RA, but I still keep my guard up around anyone I know has a problem. I live with my dad and stepmom...she's abused meds, stolen mine (for sleep, nothing I even think of abusing), done some bad things, and though she'll say "but that was MONTHS ago", it's still fresh in my mind.
It's hard, it's painful, but it's the best thing you can do for you and your son. I don't know about your bf, but I had to face some pretty harsh consequences to even THINK of recovery, and I am grateful that my family allowed me to fall and figure a way to get back up on my feet again.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
callie,
of course you are confused. of course you don't know exactly what to do. we here all say you need to save yourself. for your own sake and the sake of your young son.
you do not need to know all the answers to your questions right now. you can just take this a step at a time.
you miss the old him. sweetie, the old him is not here right now.
welcome to sober recovery. i hope you stick around.
of course you are confused. of course you don't know exactly what to do. we here all say you need to save yourself. for your own sake and the sake of your young son.
you do not need to know all the answers to your questions right now. you can just take this a step at a time.
you miss the old him. sweetie, the old him is not here right now.
welcome to sober recovery. i hope you stick around.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Callie
Welcome to SR......this is a good place for support. Everyone here loves someone addicted to something. And in one way or another, we've all been drawn into the vortex of confusion, anxiety, fear, anger, denial, etc. We get swallowed up by all of the negative and we become a part of it.
I hope you stick around here. There are so many people who have walked a similar path. Although they can't tell you what to do in your specific circumstances, it helps to know that you are not alone and others have survived.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR......this is a good place for support. Everyone here loves someone addicted to something. And in one way or another, we've all been drawn into the vortex of confusion, anxiety, fear, anger, denial, etc. We get swallowed up by all of the negative and we become a part of it.
I hope you stick around here. There are so many people who have walked a similar path. Although they can't tell you what to do in your specific circumstances, it helps to know that you are not alone and others have survived.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
"So we have to go to court on TUESDAY and I don't know what to do. Of coarse I miss him, I mean we have been together my entire adult life and we have a child together. I've never lived without him. But I miss the old him from 10 years ago when we were young. "
We codependents have much in common with addicts/alcoholics, including the inability to deal with life as is/where is. The old him is long gone and has been replaced with a liar, cheater, thief and an abuser. I cannot imagine the impact this relationship has had on your child who is learning first hand how to treat people, be treated and resolve problems- coping skills.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. He owns it and does not sound like he is ready to change.
Do you really want to continue living this way and exposing your child to this insanity? Only thing you control is you. Are you ready to take responsibility for your own life and that of your childs instead of wishing and hoping it was like it was back when?
We codependents have much in common with addicts/alcoholics, including the inability to deal with life as is/where is. The old him is long gone and has been replaced with a liar, cheater, thief and an abuser. I cannot imagine the impact this relationship has had on your child who is learning first hand how to treat people, be treated and resolve problems- coping skills.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. He owns it and does not sound like he is ready to change.
Do you really want to continue living this way and exposing your child to this insanity? Only thing you control is you. Are you ready to take responsibility for your own life and that of your childs instead of wishing and hoping it was like it was back when?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
When I was facing court I felt the exact same way. It was not that long ago for me, Dec 6. Since I was a total mess leading up to it, I just prayed and prayed and prayed that the chips would fall where they may, and I would deal with it as best as I could. And I knew I would just tell the truth, and rest on that - I simply stated the facts and nothing more. That is what I did and I made it through. You can make it through as well. ****{HUGS}}} to you. There is no way to turn from here that is going to feel good, just focus on your needs and your child's needs right now. Your ABF must find his own way in this, with or without you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 36
Thanks for the support everyone. After re-reading my post, I don't miss him as much as it comes across. I mean, I don't want him back right now. Of coarse I miss the old him, but thats nothing new, I've missed the old him when we were together. I'm just very emotional and confused. And I'm afraid that I will let him come back if and when he admits guilt and says he needs help. Right now he is just in denial and it makes me mad. But if I start to get sad I will definitely be vulnerable to letting him move back.
I have been speaking to him, even though I shouldn't be and there is the restraining order. I need to stop because its just making me mad because he denies any problem. Last night he finally admitted that he needed to clean his life up, but still blames me for him going overboard. Because I got mad and caused him to party more. I know thats not true, its just frustrating.
I need to stop communicating with him because, well for one, I'm not supposed to. But also because its just keeping me from being able to remove this stress. Everytime I talk to him I say I won't answer next time he calls or I won't call him back, but I keep talking to him again.
He called me New Years Eve, a little after midnight, wasted, crying about how someone sucker punched him at a party and he was hurt and didn't know who did it or why. I just said that "I was sorry, but there was nothing I could do". And he just said that he wanted me to care. I told him that of coarse I cared but I couldn't help him and he just hung up.
I'm not sure I should keep the restraining order. I would rather not so that I could talk to him when needed, especially for our son. But I don't want him coming home and he's on the lease, so he may be able to if I drop it tomorrow. I told him that I would be asking for the judge to send him to rehab or at least making him get drug tested in order to obtain visitation and he's pretty mad about it and says it will be my fault when he's out of our sons life because he refuses to go to any rehab or take any drug test in order to see his child and he will just walk out of court if that is ordered and he won't see our child anymore.
I'm not backing down, I'd rather he was not around then allow him to not be drug/alcohol tested and be around our son, but it makes me so mad that he would say he will walk away and blame me.
I guess I'm here to try to keep myself from giving in and taking him back. I need to learn to keep him and his drama away. I convinced myself that I was only speaking to him because of the holiday's, so our son can see him, blah, blah. I made an excuse for myself.
He has been gone 3 weeks now and the holidays are over, so hopefully it can only get easier.
I have been speaking to him, even though I shouldn't be and there is the restraining order. I need to stop because its just making me mad because he denies any problem. Last night he finally admitted that he needed to clean his life up, but still blames me for him going overboard. Because I got mad and caused him to party more. I know thats not true, its just frustrating.
I need to stop communicating with him because, well for one, I'm not supposed to. But also because its just keeping me from being able to remove this stress. Everytime I talk to him I say I won't answer next time he calls or I won't call him back, but I keep talking to him again.
He called me New Years Eve, a little after midnight, wasted, crying about how someone sucker punched him at a party and he was hurt and didn't know who did it or why. I just said that "I was sorry, but there was nothing I could do". And he just said that he wanted me to care. I told him that of coarse I cared but I couldn't help him and he just hung up.
I'm not sure I should keep the restraining order. I would rather not so that I could talk to him when needed, especially for our son. But I don't want him coming home and he's on the lease, so he may be able to if I drop it tomorrow. I told him that I would be asking for the judge to send him to rehab or at least making him get drug tested in order to obtain visitation and he's pretty mad about it and says it will be my fault when he's out of our sons life because he refuses to go to any rehab or take any drug test in order to see his child and he will just walk out of court if that is ordered and he won't see our child anymore.
I'm not backing down, I'd rather he was not around then allow him to not be drug/alcohol tested and be around our son, but it makes me so mad that he would say he will walk away and blame me.
I guess I'm here to try to keep myself from giving in and taking him back. I need to learn to keep him and his drama away. I convinced myself that I was only speaking to him because of the holiday's, so our son can see him, blah, blah. I made an excuse for myself.
He has been gone 3 weeks now and the holidays are over, so hopefully it can only get easier.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
Do you really want to continue living this way and exposing your child to this insanity? Only thing you control is you. Are you ready to take responsibility for your own life and that of your childs instead of wishing and hoping it was like it was back when?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 36
I am soooo worried that I will get a judge that will allow unsupervised visitation and not force drug testing and I will have to bring my son to him and he will be drunk/high, whatever. I'm soooo worried that I will be told that I don't have proof or because nothing bad happened yet he is allowed visitation. At least when he was drunk at home, I was there too so our son was taken care of. Ever since August the only time he has been alone with him was for maybe an hour in the morning before school when he would put him on the bus for me so I could go to work early enough to leave in time to get him off the bus. He was never home any other time and I had to call 3 or 4 times to make sure he got up and fed him and walked him down the driveway. It was like a nightmare, but because I allowed it I'm afraid the judge will say I must not be worried about him and give him visitation without making him be clean during them.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
First off, let me say good for you for sticking to your boundaries.
3 weeks is a milestone!
The folks on here used to tell me...when my ex was trying to guilt trip me, and twist everything back onto me...the old, "It's your fault." game...
that he was "quacking"!
If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck...!
So, on my phone, I changed the photo that came up when he called to a duck and
and his ringer to a duck quacking.
I also changed his name on my phone to
"Do not believe anything he says."
If you have to keep talking to him because of your kids....this may help remind you that he's an addict and his words mean nothing.
3 weeks is a milestone!
The folks on here used to tell me...when my ex was trying to guilt trip me, and twist everything back onto me...the old, "It's your fault." game...
that he was "quacking"!
If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck...!
So, on my phone, I changed the photo that came up when he called to a duck and
and his ringer to a duck quacking.
I also changed his name on my phone to
"Do not believe anything he says."
If you have to keep talking to him because of your kids....this may help remind you that he's an addict and his words mean nothing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by callie212
I am soooo worried that I will get a judge that will allow unsupervised visitation and not force drug testing and I will have to bring my son to him and he will be drunk/high, whatever. I'm soooo worried that I will be told that I don't have proof or because nothing bad happened yet he is allowed visitation. At least when he was drunk at home, I was there too so our son was taken care of. Ever since August the only time he has been alone with him was for maybe an hour in the morning before school when he would put him on the bus for me so I could go to work early enough to leave in time to get him off the bus. He was never home any other time and I had to call 3 or 4 times to make sure he got up and fed him and walked him down the driveway. It was like a nightmare, but because I allowed it I'm afraid the judge will say I must not be worried about him and give him visitation without making him be clean during them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by sofacat
First off, let me say good for you for sticking to your boundaries.
3 weeks is a milestone!
The folks on here used to tell me...when my ex was trying to guilt trip me, and twist everything back onto me...the old, "It's your fault." game...
that he was "quacking"!
If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck...!
So, on my phone, I changed the photo that came up when he called to a duck and
and his ringer to a duck quacking.
I also changed his name on my phone to
"Do not believe anything he says."
If you have to keep talking to him because of your kids....this may help remind you that he's an addict and his words mean nothing.
3 weeks is a milestone!
The folks on here used to tell me...when my ex was trying to guilt trip me, and twist everything back onto me...the old, "It's your fault." game...
that he was "quacking"!
If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck...!
So, on my phone, I changed the photo that came up when he called to a duck and
and his ringer to a duck quacking.
I also changed his name on my phone to
"Do not believe anything he says."
If you have to keep talking to him because of your kids....this may help remind you that he's an addict and his words mean nothing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Callie, just wanted to tell you that my AH told me prior to our court date (when he received his papers) that he would not see the kids if it were supervised. He even told me he was going to move out of state. The judge approved supervised and he has seen the kids, thankfully. I was devastated when he told me this, but stuck it out.
Another thing is if you testify to a judge you swear to tell the truth. When you take an oath and testify, they listen to what you have to say. You are the witness. Tell the facts and let the judge go from there.
Good luck.
Another thing is if you testify to a judge you swear to tell the truth. When you take an oath and testify, they listen to what you have to say. You are the witness. Tell the facts and let the judge go from there.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 36
so we were at court and the judge asked if he wanted an attorney and he said he did so now it got rescheduled so he can get one. I didn't know they would give you a court appointed attorney for family court. Now he gets an attorney and I don't because I make too much to get one, but yet can't afford one. Well, we'll see.
And what did he ask for in court? He goes:
HIM: "Well if she wants to drop the order and work with me then I don't need to adjourn it and wait to get a lawyer"
JUDGE: "Do you want to do that?"
ME: "No. I'd be willing to for the sake of making visits of our son easier but we have a joint lease and I don't want him coming back to live in the house."
JUDGE: "Ok, well, thats fine. I'm not getting involved in civil matters."
HIM: "But its just that its hard for me to get my stuff because I have a massive amount of furniture and I can't get it and the police won't stay long enough for me to remove all the furniture from a 4 bedroom house:
JUDGE: "No, they won't do that. Where are you living now?"
HIM: "I'm staying with a friend but I have to leave tomorrow. I don't know where I'm going yet."
JUDGE: "So we will leave the order as is and set a date for February 4th"
LOL...so he wants to remove the order so he can come up to my house and clean it out! Its totally inaccurate that he owns a bunch of furniture anyways. He owned a lot early on in our relationship, but his crack habit sold most of that stuff years ago. Close to everything in the house I purchased. He owns a few random things that I have no problem letting him take. Anything that is mine that I don't use he has always assumed that meant it was free for the taking. Actually, even things I do use he steals.
So after we got out I said to him:
ME: "So you want the restraining order removed so that you can come get your furniture and bring it to the apartment you don't have?"
HIM: "Yeah, how else am I going to get MY STUFF?" "Like my bookshelf and my desk that your computer is on?"
ME: "Ok, so you just want STUFF, it had nothing to do with making it easier to have visits with our son?"
HIM: "Yeah, that too...I didn't know what to say in there. Thats why I'm getting the lawyer"
The father of the guy he is living with died last weekend and the landlord is making him and his friend leave because they aren't on the lease. She is threatening them with having them charged with trespassing, which I'm pretty sure she can't do since his friend has lived there for 2 years and my ex almost 30 days, both with permission by the tenant who died. But either way, he is going to have to leave soon and will have no place to go. And if I remove the order, he will be at my house and our lease is good until April so I'd have to let him stay.
So its just sit and wait again. He's happy because he's got another month to party because no drug tests or rehab was ordered. I found out yesterday that he has been sleeping around and slept with 3 different girls since being at his friends house. One in which just turned 18 last week (he is 35) and is the current "girlfriend" of they guy he's staying with. He denies it, but I know its true because I can see right through him when he lies. His friend's ex-wife (who is still on good terms with him) told me that he was telling his friend that he hasn't been using protection and was worried and this has been going on since before he moved out of my house. (Why he never came home after work was because he was there.) They have been partying and him and his friend have been providing alcohol and drugs (marijuana) to this underage girl and a few others there. I suspect that him getting punched in the face on New Years has something to do with one of these three girls, although he just says that it was because he "must have pissed someone off when he was trying to sell his pain killers and he got the new gel oxy's"...umm...wow, that makes you look even better to me. yeah.
He knows he will have to get clean to have visitation, so I guess he's going to draw it out as long as he can so he can keep drinking and using pills and partying. So I think that since the temp custody order doesn't specify visitation times, just that any visitation is supervised by his mom, I do not have to let him see him so I think that I'm not. Otherwise he's just going to think he can draw this out while still partying and still seeing his son at his moms house. I just can't take this drama! Now I need to go to the dr to get checked out. I have a medical issue and can't have any more kids, or at least its unlikely, and we were together once or twice in the last few months and we never use anything since I don't worry about getting pregnant and this is just crazy! I'm going to have to just block his and all numbers of mutual friends because knowing what he is doing is driving me crazy!
And what did he ask for in court? He goes:
HIM: "Well if she wants to drop the order and work with me then I don't need to adjourn it and wait to get a lawyer"
JUDGE: "Do you want to do that?"
ME: "No. I'd be willing to for the sake of making visits of our son easier but we have a joint lease and I don't want him coming back to live in the house."
JUDGE: "Ok, well, thats fine. I'm not getting involved in civil matters."
HIM: "But its just that its hard for me to get my stuff because I have a massive amount of furniture and I can't get it and the police won't stay long enough for me to remove all the furniture from a 4 bedroom house:
JUDGE: "No, they won't do that. Where are you living now?"
HIM: "I'm staying with a friend but I have to leave tomorrow. I don't know where I'm going yet."
JUDGE: "So we will leave the order as is and set a date for February 4th"
LOL...so he wants to remove the order so he can come up to my house and clean it out! Its totally inaccurate that he owns a bunch of furniture anyways. He owned a lot early on in our relationship, but his crack habit sold most of that stuff years ago. Close to everything in the house I purchased. He owns a few random things that I have no problem letting him take. Anything that is mine that I don't use he has always assumed that meant it was free for the taking. Actually, even things I do use he steals.
So after we got out I said to him:
ME: "So you want the restraining order removed so that you can come get your furniture and bring it to the apartment you don't have?"
HIM: "Yeah, how else am I going to get MY STUFF?" "Like my bookshelf and my desk that your computer is on?"
ME: "Ok, so you just want STUFF, it had nothing to do with making it easier to have visits with our son?"
HIM: "Yeah, that too...I didn't know what to say in there. Thats why I'm getting the lawyer"
The father of the guy he is living with died last weekend and the landlord is making him and his friend leave because they aren't on the lease. She is threatening them with having them charged with trespassing, which I'm pretty sure she can't do since his friend has lived there for 2 years and my ex almost 30 days, both with permission by the tenant who died. But either way, he is going to have to leave soon and will have no place to go. And if I remove the order, he will be at my house and our lease is good until April so I'd have to let him stay.
So its just sit and wait again. He's happy because he's got another month to party because no drug tests or rehab was ordered. I found out yesterday that he has been sleeping around and slept with 3 different girls since being at his friends house. One in which just turned 18 last week (he is 35) and is the current "girlfriend" of they guy he's staying with. He denies it, but I know its true because I can see right through him when he lies. His friend's ex-wife (who is still on good terms with him) told me that he was telling his friend that he hasn't been using protection and was worried and this has been going on since before he moved out of my house. (Why he never came home after work was because he was there.) They have been partying and him and his friend have been providing alcohol and drugs (marijuana) to this underage girl and a few others there. I suspect that him getting punched in the face on New Years has something to do with one of these three girls, although he just says that it was because he "must have pissed someone off when he was trying to sell his pain killers and he got the new gel oxy's"...umm...wow, that makes you look even better to me. yeah.
He knows he will have to get clean to have visitation, so I guess he's going to draw it out as long as he can so he can keep drinking and using pills and partying. So I think that since the temp custody order doesn't specify visitation times, just that any visitation is supervised by his mom, I do not have to let him see him so I think that I'm not. Otherwise he's just going to think he can draw this out while still partying and still seeing his son at his moms house. I just can't take this drama! Now I need to go to the dr to get checked out. I have a medical issue and can't have any more kids, or at least its unlikely, and we were together once or twice in the last few months and we never use anything since I don't worry about getting pregnant and this is just crazy! I'm going to have to just block his and all numbers of mutual friends because knowing what he is doing is driving me crazy!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by cynical one
Have you gotten yourself tested for all STD's, Hep, and HIV?
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