transformyself

So my business partner who I recently realized is a narcissist, went on vacation and left me with a to do list regarding sales.

Before i started on it, an attorney friend of mine called to say he would never advertise in our paper again, and refused to work with my partner. He told me he will work with me, that he trust me and knows I'm a good person but she's unstable. She made a scene in my office, he said, was yelling, my partner had to come in and shut her up. Everything is about her, he said, she's going to destroy your business.

I was a bit freaked out to hear this, as I have been struggling with how to deal with her. She is demanding, she talks down to me like i"m child, accuses me of doing everything she does and then rages at me if I try to talk to her about her behavior. Until someone here schooled me on narcissists, I was utterly baffled and to be truthful, have been doubting that diagnosis since. Trying to figure out how to just not make waves.

Then, I started making the follow up sales calls from the list she gave me. I called the first client, per her instruction, to tell him I would come pick up a check (and a huge one) for full payment for his ad. He was confused and told me the following:

He coudln't afford the ad and had been telling my partner this.
She was so aggressive that she woudn't listen.

He sounded like he'd been bullied into agreeing to place an ad. My attorney friend is right. She will destroy our business.

There will be no telling her this. No convincing her to STFU and be less of a domineering monster to people.

Funny thing is, three people called me to place ads while she's been going. It was a struggle for me to sort out how to process them, but I did so WITH them. Based on their needs and budget. I made up half of the lost ad from that first guy that pulled his in one day, without bullying anyone.

Now, I"m not a sales person. Not aggressive in that way. I feel like working within someones budget is an honorable thing to do, not bully them into agreeing to spend more than they an afford. The first client I called who withdrew his half page color ad told me that when he said he coudln't afford it, she said, you can't afford not to. And that she was more like a man in a womans body, whatever that means.

I'm going to disconnect emotionally from this issue. Look at it strictly as business. I need to make a decision-will i find other work? Or find a way to buy her out?

Funny thing is, I'm in the same position with my AH. He actually texted me yesterday saying, "at some point we need to talk about us." I wanted to tell him, "there is no us, you idiot. There is only me determining how to be financially independant and us taking care of our kids." But I didn't. Why not? Why won't I draw that line?

I think I am on the verge of cutting all the crap out of my life that doesn't serve me. Sure I get something out of each relationship, but the bottom line is both are more destructive and sick than they are helpful and healthy.

I think I should just handle this as business when she gets back. Schedule a meeting after the January issue is distributed and start sorting out how to break up our partnership. If she freaks out on me, she does. I'll just not engage and stick to the business aspect.

I am fighting a lot of financial fear. Can I find another partner? I need staff. I need a freaking stapler in our office. Can I run the newspaper myself? I will need a publisher, need to hire more writers and someone to take over distribution.

I'm not sure why I"m in this state of uncertainty. I feel immobilized by fear. I sort of feel also like I"m tired of making decisions alone-wish I had a loving partner to trust and go to for advice. God I hate even writing that, I sound like a spoiled brat. Normally I'm so strong..

lillamy

That sounds exactly like the way to handle it. Would your attorney friend be able to attend the meeting as a favor to you?

I'm a recovering newspaper girl. I have printing ink running through my veins. Trust me when I say that today, there are oodles of writers out there who have either been laid off and are dying to get hooked up with a job or working a dead-end one where they're overworked and underpaid, so finding journalists should be the least of your problems. And remember that journalists have lots of contacts in the community -- hire the right journalists, and they might very well be able to hook you up with the rest of the people you need. I'm guessing you're a small publication (weekly?) -- and distribution could be simple depending on how you deliver (stores? restaurants? newspaper boxes on the street? -- that's something a high school kid could make some extra money handling).

You say you're not a sales person -- I'm going to quote (and probably butcher) David Mamet's Glengarry Glen Ross: "You don't sell a man a car. You sell a man ten cars over thirty years." That's the attitude you had dealing with those advertisers: You worked with them, within their budget, they left feeling like you were listening and giving them what they wanted, not selling them a bunch of bs and leaving them feeling violated. That means they will leave with a good feeling and they will come back. That is how you build a business. By providing what people need. Your business partner's approach leaves them feeling like I feel when I walk into a store to buy a t-shirt and the dang staff follows me around trying to sell me a new Lexus.

And of course you feel alone. You're being stereo-pummeled by dysfunctional people in your work and your home life. That's exhausting. But it could also be a good incentive to blow it all and go build a completely new life for yourself. You've got the oomph and the skills and the heart for it. I hear it in every post from you.

transformyself

Ok you're righteous. Wanna job?

This is a state wide trade journal, distributed quarterly. It's intense. Distribution is a b!tch. I need help. I love this paper, problem is so does the partner, she founded it and I came in right at the beginning.

but she also has two other jobs and may be moving to Arizona to expand another one of her businesses. I hope so.
yeah, I'm getting the message that I need to shake loose all this dead weight and start the new year off a hell of a lot lighter. I don't want to put myself into the victim role, but if I don't snap out of this depression and fear that's exactly where I'll end up.

lillamy

Go you!!! And nope, I don't need another job :rotfxko I've got one FT and a freelance gig...

Great insight. I can almost feel the weight falling off your shoulders just having that thought.

JenT1968

Hey TF. You're a strong, capable, intelligent, creative, inventive person. You have acheived ALOT despite having difficult people slowing you down, getting in your way. I have no doubt that whatever you do, you'll find a way to pull it off. with panache.

Lots of big decisions, I'm not surprised you have a few wobbles. Wobbles are allowed

I'm not a salesman either, and sales tactics often seem a little aggressive to me, but my dad could sell snow to the indigenous peoples of very cold lands and his philosophy is that you have to leave the client feeling like they've got a good deal (even if they haven't) they have to feel good about the transaction otherwise they won't come back. IDK. But you aren't a fly-by-night market trader selling hooky goods, you're building a reputation.

suki44883

And of course you feel alone. You're being stereo-pummeled by dysfunctional people in your work and your home life. That's exhausting. But it could also be a good incentive to blow it all and go build a completely new life for yourself. You've got the oomph and the skills and the heart for it. I hear it in every post from you.

This ^^^ gets my vote!

Learn2Live

If it's any consolation T, I'm having some real difficulties right now too so I feel ya'. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and make time to take good care of yourself.

LaTeeDa

I don't know if this applies to you or not, but growing up in an alcoholic home resulted in some major perfectionist tendencies in me. I could never make a decision without analyzing the projected results of said decision on my life into the future for the next 5, 10, 15, 20 years.

Looking back, I can see how decisions I made in the past, which I was certain would result in expected outcomes in the future, have not. I can also see there were times when I was paralyzed by fear and could not make a decision because I couldn't guarantee myself it would turn out the way I wished.

What I'm working on now (and I still have a lot of work to do) is learning how to stop projecting everything so far into the future. When I just do the next right thing the future seems to take care of itself. When I feel the fear, I tell myself "no matter what happens, I will be okay." And it's true. I will. You will. Just because you make a decision today, based on the best information you have right now, doesn't mean you can't make a different decision later when you have new information, right?

None of us knows what will happen tomorrow. All we can do is make the best of today.

L

wicked

You do know how to do this if you have to. I know the feeling, I say yes, just to get them off my back, then renege. Oh well.
You are finding out more and more what an albatross this woman is, apparently she has no talent for giving the people what they want.
she is doing no good for the papers reputation, and if you have to clean up behind her, what is she doing to earn her keep?
Is it her money that started it? Sigh........

Beth

trapeze

I may be way off base here, but I feel like I'm reading a lot about another person and not you. A lot of analysis about another person. What's important are YOUR boundaries. Being inside of yourself. You know how to do this! It is about you, not about your partner. Remember? Don't give her your power. You can do this!

tjp613

What I'm reading into this is that your HP is nudging you to do a new thing! Pay attention!

Do you need to consult with an attorney before talking with the partner?

TakingCharge999

You are very special and will get through this with ease and grace! you are very smart. HUGS

transformyself

Aaaaahhh!

She's back in town today and I have to deal with her WHILE the kids are home from school, WHILE I spent a huge portion of my time doing sales and cleaning up after her instead of doing my job which was finalizing the content for the paper, WHILE I had one vomiting child.

Hey, I'd make a pretty good martyr wouldn't I? (Places limp wrist to forehead)

Here's her email in response to the news that that guy pulled his ad

Hell yeah, you're reading all about her. I'm obsessed with this, and basically terrified of her. That in and of itself, should be the basis for me getting the hell out of this partnership at all costs, trusting that it's the right thing for me.

Sound familiar?

I'm doing the same thing with AH, he actually sent me a text yesterday that said, "at some point we have to talk about us." I know I should have responded, quite simply, "the only thing we need to talk about is kids and finances." But I just ignored it.

I know that's the best thing for me. When I need AH the most, he bails on me. Is quite nasty actually. Nothing new, but when am I going to accept he won't change. When am I going to refuse to engage with him at all so i can get on with me life? So we both can.

I'm facing my own actions, my own choices.

Of course, I need another freaking job too. Or to find someone to buy her out. And let go of the end result, because this is what's best for me. Why stay and continue to subject myself to her psychological abuse?

It's this question that I struggle with. Can I detach enough to continue to work with her? I think so, but then there's the issue of the damage she's doing to the paper. These are the decisions that are torturing me.

In the past when we've fought, she's told me she's looking for someone to buy her out. Maybe that will actually happen, but, the tricky part for me will be doing the next right thing and releasing attachment to out come.

When I've done this in the past amazing things have happened. Problem is, right now it's attached to my employment and how I feed my familly.

Everything I lecture others about on this website applies, quite simply, to me in this situation.

Why would I stay in an abusive relationship?

I believe it's the rigth thing to be honest with her about what others are saying about her. Even if she attacks me for it. Why shield her? Because I"m afraid, and today, January 31, 2010, I'm recommitting to a simple life philosophy that has brought about amazing transformation in my life:

Analyze my choices. Do not make any based on fear. Do the next right thing and release attachment to outcome.

It's not my job to teach her anything or try to change her. Tried that, she screams at me. Says very very mean things.

Here's my plan of action-

Clear clear boundaries with her. I won't try to tell her a thing, just accept her as she is right now-which is a bull in a china shop that I believe is doing harm to our business.

I'm going to tell her what the attorney said. He told me to. She can hear it and get pissed if she wants.

I'm going to tell her what the advertisers said about her. It's why he pulled his ad.

She may try to attack me for it, I have learned how to not engage when she does this. She can hand me **** on a shingle if she wants, I don't have to eat it.

I don't have to pacify or trick her or anything-this is business. AND, most importantly, I need to stay focused on my boundaries, which have been very hard all along. When I enforce them she gets very very pissed.

Stay focused on me-which has been enlightening really. Watching with detachment what I go through. Seeing all my fear. Seeing how focused I am on her instead of myself. I've entangled myself with another abusive person. Way to go Transform. Ignored red flags again. Now you get to dig yourself out AGAIN!

Thanks everyone for the words of kindness. Happy Freaking New Year!

catlovermi

Transform,

You're doing well, even if it feels awful. I so admire how you are working with yourself, against triggers and stresses, applying recovery in very challenging circumstances.

I had one thought: when you go about your conversation, it's a good technique when possible to present the perceived problems AND THEN suggest a sort of plan or solution. To ONLY suggest problems is a recipe for defensiveness. I realize this is something that will have to be finessed, as presenting a solution could look like controlling, etc. But it's just the concept of this I wanted to suggest, for you to ponder...

If you want a more balanced reaction from the other party (i.e., a chance to actually be HEARD and not just face torpedos out the chute when they are backed into a corner), then present your side with careful balance -- when presenting negatives, find something to put on the positive side of the argument to balance the presentation; when you are presenting problems, find something to put on the solution side of the argument to balance the presentation... etc.

When there is a problem to be presented, give the other party a way out, a way to save face, a way to look like they helped come to a solution...

I used to work in negotiations, and these types of conversations are CONSTRUCTED, not shoot-from-the-hip. We are typically used to just conversing without engineering conversations ahead of time, but in some cases careful engineering is in order. Of course, you do not control the outcome, but you will then know you did your best and most honest effort in your presentation, and can live light and free afterward, knowing you did YOUR best.

CLMI

coyote21

I think you've boiled it down pretty good right here. The only thing I would add is, that before difficult conversations, I ask HP to guide my words and speak through me.

Every time I've used the formula above, miraculous things have transpired.

Balancing the presentation like Catlover suggests would be a good idea too.

Good luck, don't take any sh!t, and let us know how it goes.

Imagine the codie bus full of all of your admirers out in the parking lot during your meeting. She doesn't want to open THIS can of "whup-a$$".

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote