Groovy

Hello I am new to this board and come with a humble heart. I am struggling with a mother that has used on and off for the past 35 years. I am 27 and my earliest memory is of going to visit her in rehab. She has been in and out of treatment 5 times everything from a $30k a month to cheap cheap. Obviously nothing has worked.

I moved back into her house 2 yrs ago because she couldn't make the house payment and I might as well give $500 a month to her and help her out. Plus until recently she spent the majority of the time in a different city working.

I am applying to med school in 6 months and really don't think I can go the extra 18 months till (if I'm lucky) accepted and out of this situation. After this long is it really even worth trying to save her? I can't believe that she would put her children through this again after seeing what it has done to us.

I called her out on using and she just flips the convo. on me because I'm just "always accusing her of using", which is not true. I have seen the signs of her using and I know instantly if she is.

She is living on fat boy ice cream sandwiches and dr. Pepper. She seriously eats 10 a day and that's it. What can I do to help her, it feels like if she hasn't cleaned up after all the opportunities that she has had why would she now.

Please any help would be greatly appreciated.
Groovy

PurpleWilder

Don't have a lot to say on this particular subject but sit tight. You posted late last night and I am sure someone will come along later today and give you some insight. I will think of you today.

PurpleSquirrel

kiki5711

that is sooo hard. I don't know which is worse. when kids use their parents or parents use their kids.....

I would say in both situations, it would be good to set up boundaries for yourself. Meaning, start learning how your're going to give her the attention she needs, when, and how much.

I'm just learning myself how NOT to be an emotional/financial debit card. Always there, always running to help, always, waiting for the next call telling me what they need, want, a problem that happened. I'm sick and tired of it.

I expect that you are too.

tromboneliness

Do you go to Al-Anon? If not, do that.

Paying her bills is just enabling her addiction -- you're saying, "Go ahead and keep using; there won't be any consequences, I'll pay the bills for you."

The bottom line is that there's no way to force someone to get clean/sober -- they have to want to do it. If she doesn't want to, you're not going to make it happen -- that's not your fault, it's just impossible.

(Disclosure: Having said all that, about 14 years ago, when my wife was in the hospital with end-stage liver disease, I organized an intervention, hired a professional intervention counselor for a few grand; as it turned out, she decided to accept treatment, stayed there 5 months, and has been doing great ever since. But the key phrase is "she decided to accept treatment" -- if she had been denying there was a problem and refusing to look in the mirror, it wouldn't have worked. My wife said later that she had wanted to get healthy -- she felt pretty awful, day-to-day, as a result of drinking heavily for many years -- but it was too much to handle, doing it on her own. If she had not wanted to get sober, the intervention would not have worked; sometimes they don't.)

T

KateZ

You can't save her. She can save herself.

You didn't cause it. You can't cure it.

You can encourage her to get sober. You can be loving to her. You can pray for her. You can't fix her. It's entirely her choice.

My mother chose not to get sober. She died in a car crash that she caused by being DUI. Other people chose to get sober, though, and your mother might.

All you can do is take care of yourself. If that means moving out of the house and not paying her bills, then do that. If you can, treat her like any other adult that you were living with. Give her a month or two month's warning and then move out. It's allowed. You are not obligated to pay her bills.

wicked

KateZ,



Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Fantastic first post.
I hope you stay around awhile.

(I am an ACA too).

Beth

EveningRose

Hi, Groovy,

I'm sorry you find yourself here, and yet glad for all of us that this mutual support and wisdom of others who have been there is available. The others are right that you can't make her stop. The best you can do is avoid enabling.

I went to al-anon for 6 months, and it really helped me see clearly what I can and can't control, and re-focus on living my own life with integrity regardless of what others choose to do.