Progress...:)...??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 14
Progress...:)...??
Well, this is the fourth day that I have had no contact with my husband. I practically live on SR. I've been feeling OK for the most part. I've been doing somethings to make me feel better and I've been spending a lot of time with my family.
I'd say that the reason why he hasn't contacted me is because I sent him a very strongly worded e-mail.
But seriously, I left him on Christmas Day and the following day I sent him an e-mail to let him know that he needs to look for a place, to not try to call me as I changed my numbers, and that I wanted him to disappear from the world. :S I know but that is probably the only thing that will stop him from looking for me, or so I've reasoned. Today I was thinking that maybe he was heartbroken when he read it and did not even try to respond (although I did ask him not to)--- and THEN I had to slap myself back to reality!
Addicts are selfish. I mean I know it's an addiction, God only knows how they rationalize when they relapse, but he does not care if he hurts me, he doesn't care that sometimes I have to stretch my check into pennies, and he never cared to stop and think if I was heartbroken with his actions.
So now it's my time to be selfish. It's my time to try to find who I am and most importantly who I want to be.
Of course the codie in me is having trouble letting go. I've been thinking that maybe he's dead or in a hospital somewhere. Last night I cried myself to sleep but did not go out looking for him, and today I had to remind myself of the 3 C's a couple of times. For these reasons I feel like I am making progress, but it's hard because I am afraid that as soon as he contacts me I'll be there for him because it's cold and raining. So I'm not sure how good of a progress I am making.
I've started attending naranon chat rooms, but I think a f2f meeting would be better. I'm going to keep looking for one in my area.
I want to thank all of you for your posts that give me so much hope, and for the ones who are suffering I have a video that I want you to see. Hope it helps! Let's keep our head up!
YouTube - Mariah Carey - Hero
Hugs,
Bellemari
I'd say that the reason why he hasn't contacted me is because I sent him a very strongly worded e-mail.
But seriously, I left him on Christmas Day and the following day I sent him an e-mail to let him know that he needs to look for a place, to not try to call me as I changed my numbers, and that I wanted him to disappear from the world. :S I know but that is probably the only thing that will stop him from looking for me, or so I've reasoned. Today I was thinking that maybe he was heartbroken when he read it and did not even try to respond (although I did ask him not to)--- and THEN I had to slap myself back to reality! Addicts are selfish. I mean I know it's an addiction, God only knows how they rationalize when they relapse, but he does not care if he hurts me, he doesn't care that sometimes I have to stretch my check into pennies, and he never cared to stop and think if I was heartbroken with his actions.
So now it's my time to be selfish. It's my time to try to find who I am and most importantly who I want to be.
Of course the codie in me is having trouble letting go. I've been thinking that maybe he's dead or in a hospital somewhere. Last night I cried myself to sleep but did not go out looking for him, and today I had to remind myself of the 3 C's a couple of times. For these reasons I feel like I am making progress, but it's hard because I am afraid that as soon as he contacts me I'll be there for him because it's cold and raining. So I'm not sure how good of a progress I am making.
I've started attending naranon chat rooms, but I think a f2f meeting would be better. I'm going to keep looking for one in my area.
I want to thank all of you for your posts that give me so much hope, and for the ones who are suffering I have a video that I want you to see. Hope it helps! Let's keep our head up!
YouTube - Mariah Carey - Hero
Hugs,
Bellemari
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Of course the codie in me is having trouble letting go. I've been thinking that maybe he's dead or in a hospital somewhere.
If he's dead, you cannot help him. If he's in a hospital, he is in the hands of professionals and again, you cannot help him.
He'll be fine. Take care of yourself.
If he's dead, you cannot help him. If he's in a hospital, he is in the hands of professionals and again, you cannot help him.
He'll be fine. Take care of yourself.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"I am afraid that as soon as he contacts me I'll be there for him because it's cold and raining. So I'm not sure how good of a progress I am making."
Try not to think of the "what if's". Just stay in today. You're doing great.
If and when that time comes...you come here. We'll help you through it.
Try not to think of the "what if's". Just stay in today. You're doing great.
If and when that time comes...you come here. We'll help you through it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I think you're doing great....especially since you asked him to leave on Christmas. That took some ball$!
I was on SR for a year before I finally made my AH leave (for the 4th and final time). Some days I would take three steps forward and be so proud of myself then I would inadvertantly take two steps backwards. It's a process. By reporting on SR what was going on on a daily basis, I was able to get good feedback, direction and amazing wisdom from those who not only had walked in my shoes but were recovering addicts or alcoholics as well (which was priceless!). I made it through but could not have done it without SR, friends, accountability partners and meetings.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing more posts from you!
I was on SR for a year before I finally made my AH leave (for the 4th and final time). Some days I would take three steps forward and be so proud of myself then I would inadvertantly take two steps backwards. It's a process. By reporting on SR what was going on on a daily basis, I was able to get good feedback, direction and amazing wisdom from those who not only had walked in my shoes but were recovering addicts or alcoholics as well (which was priceless!). I made it through but could not have done it without SR, friends, accountability partners and meetings.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing more posts from you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
Hope you continue on your path of recovery. I know its not easy but please know that getting support and taking care of you as best as you can will get you through this.
I wanted to add, I too often thought my AH would die. I would be become extremely overwhelmed thinking what if he needs me? that day may still come but at least I know I gave my best to try to help him, he choices to
not seek help. I often think well lets reverse it, what about us? what if we die? are they there for us? I dont want to sound harsh or selfish but its a fact that they arent there for us anymore. If Im going to feel alone I might as well be alone because thats how I felt living with it.
I still cry, I still get angry..we are human after all. its completely normal
to go through emotions, good and bad during this time. does it get easier?
I would say yes as you come to terms with their decision, you come to terms with that fact that you tried, you come to terms with not living with addiction anymore.
Its so important to try to control yourself more as you are now learning we cannot control them. once you let go, which takes time you will see your own recovery,
you will see some peace.
Dont be so hard on yourself, take it one day at a time..keep reading and posting..we are all here for ya!
I wanted to add, I too often thought my AH would die. I would be become extremely overwhelmed thinking what if he needs me? that day may still come but at least I know I gave my best to try to help him, he choices to
not seek help. I often think well lets reverse it, what about us? what if we die? are they there for us? I dont want to sound harsh or selfish but its a fact that they arent there for us anymore. If Im going to feel alone I might as well be alone because thats how I felt living with it.
I still cry, I still get angry..we are human after all. its completely normal
to go through emotions, good and bad during this time. does it get easier?
I would say yes as you come to terms with their decision, you come to terms with that fact that you tried, you come to terms with not living with addiction anymore.
Its so important to try to control yourself more as you are now learning we cannot control them. once you let go, which takes time you will see your own recovery,
you will see some peace.
Dont be so hard on yourself, take it one day at a time..keep reading and posting..we are all here for ya!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 14
Thank you everyone 
Reading everyone's posts makes me feel better! Yesterday was a good day. Today not so much. I was awaken really early after I dreamt about him. I dreamt that we went to the beach together (like we had been planning), but the hotel where we stayed, in the past had been a school and it was haunted. There was a little girl with red hair that really scared the both us (yes! even him lol) and then all of a sudden I became friends with the little girl, and he was gone. Isn't it weird? Maybe the little girl meant recovery, don't you think? Or maybe not, why would I be scared of it? But in the end we got along great!
I wish I could fast-forward time and have this be a thing of the past! Right now, even though I hate to admit it, I feel miserable. I know it's his problem if he chooses to be high or whatever, but I still care a lot about him. I've been reading posts about women who are still with their husbands while they are recovering, and at times I wish that was us. But I know I would just be miserable if I go back to him. This year he was "clean" for about 5 months and it was HELL. His mood swings and paranoia. He is normally jealous and during this time it was worse. He just slept. We just fought. If and only if we got back together our relationship requires a lot of work, and I know he's not willing to fix anything, not even his addiction. He always said that he can quit on his own. If that had been the case we wouldn't be where we are now.
My head is just rambling thought after thought. One of the times I left, he kept saying how NOT EVERYTHING was bad in our relationship. Well that is certainly true, but MOST things were, and I have to ask myself, do I REALLY want that to be my life? Only a few things RIGHT? Obviously not. I know I deserve better.
I guess I'm just going through the break-up syndrome or whatever. I'm thinking of only the good times, and not the awful times that finally made me make the decision to finally leave.
Sorry I'm just rambling. My head is working at 1,000 m/h! This is the only place where I can spill my guts, so thank you!
Reading everyone's posts makes me feel better! Yesterday was a good day. Today not so much. I was awaken really early after I dreamt about him. I dreamt that we went to the beach together (like we had been planning), but the hotel where we stayed, in the past had been a school and it was haunted. There was a little girl with red hair that really scared the both us (yes! even him lol) and then all of a sudden I became friends with the little girl, and he was gone. Isn't it weird? Maybe the little girl meant recovery, don't you think? Or maybe not, why would I be scared of it? But in the end we got along great!
I wish I could fast-forward time and have this be a thing of the past! Right now, even though I hate to admit it, I feel miserable. I know it's his problem if he chooses to be high or whatever, but I still care a lot about him. I've been reading posts about women who are still with their husbands while they are recovering, and at times I wish that was us. But I know I would just be miserable if I go back to him. This year he was "clean" for about 5 months and it was HELL. His mood swings and paranoia. He is normally jealous and during this time it was worse. He just slept. We just fought. If and only if we got back together our relationship requires a lot of work, and I know he's not willing to fix anything, not even his addiction. He always said that he can quit on his own. If that had been the case we wouldn't be where we are now.
My head is just rambling thought after thought. One of the times I left, he kept saying how NOT EVERYTHING was bad in our relationship. Well that is certainly true, but MOST things were, and I have to ask myself, do I REALLY want that to be my life? Only a few things RIGHT? Obviously not. I know I deserve better.
I guess I'm just going through the break-up syndrome or whatever. I'm thinking of only the good times, and not the awful times that finally made me make the decision to finally leave.
Sorry I'm just rambling. My head is working at 1,000 m/h! This is the only place where I can spill my guts, so thank you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
bellemari, my husband is addicted to pills the last 8 years..we were married for 26 years. I was devastated when he left. I couldnt imagine life without my best friend. you know I too often thought, well maybe just throw in the towel and let him back home as maybe it isnt that bad..heck, other couples probaly have it worse! well, I couldnt do it, I just couldnt, something kept
telling me to let go. move forward you cant live with addiction anymore.
Before he left I too swore he was cheating, not going to work, out and about, talking privately on the phone, not eating, not talking..the whole nine yards, little did I know that last december he ran away to a couple's house
so that he could continue his lifestyle, a lifestyle I was trying to change
a lifestyle that tore me into pieces day in and day out. he ran away from the pressure and the responsibilities of being a husband, he wanted his drug more than anything.
for a long time I fought the urge to get back together, what if I do this,
what if I get him into rehab, what if he loses me??? well, let me tell you I tried everything under the sun, nothing worked. I was consumed 24/7 with
it as well. It was pure hell I will say.
now a year later Im still not with him. It has been a struggle for sure,but
there are days,hours etc.that I can say Im doing much better. If it werent
for the legal part I probaly would be much much better now.
last week I ran into him at the pizza place..he was manic, loud, not talking
rationally, confused and shaking...nothing has changed!! I drove away and
thought wow, there is no way I could be with him again. that mad me sad
for him but for me it gave me reason to continue with my recovery.
I wish him well, I truly feel for him I know he isnt enjoying life and very ill.
But I know in my heart and my mind now that I cannot help him. I hope
you continue with support and find your own recovery. There is hope for you and people out there walking in the same shoes as you, take it one day at a time
you will get through this, you will see..
telling me to let go. move forward you cant live with addiction anymore.
Before he left I too swore he was cheating, not going to work, out and about, talking privately on the phone, not eating, not talking..the whole nine yards, little did I know that last december he ran away to a couple's house
so that he could continue his lifestyle, a lifestyle I was trying to change
a lifestyle that tore me into pieces day in and day out. he ran away from the pressure and the responsibilities of being a husband, he wanted his drug more than anything.
for a long time I fought the urge to get back together, what if I do this,
what if I get him into rehab, what if he loses me??? well, let me tell you I tried everything under the sun, nothing worked. I was consumed 24/7 with
it as well. It was pure hell I will say.
now a year later Im still not with him. It has been a struggle for sure,but
there are days,hours etc.that I can say Im doing much better. If it werent
for the legal part I probaly would be much much better now.
last week I ran into him at the pizza place..he was manic, loud, not talking
rationally, confused and shaking...nothing has changed!! I drove away and
thought wow, there is no way I could be with him again. that mad me sad
for him but for me it gave me reason to continue with my recovery.
I wish him well, I truly feel for him I know he isnt enjoying life and very ill.
But I know in my heart and my mind now that I cannot help him. I hope
you continue with support and find your own recovery. There is hope for you and people out there walking in the same shoes as you, take it one day at a time
you will get through this, you will see..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
wanting to offer my support and a little cheerleading as well.
you have made a clean break -- really hard to do, especially if it's the first time
please continue to come here; LIVE here, as you said. we never close.
you have made a clean break -- really hard to do, especially if it's the first time
please continue to come here; LIVE here, as you said. we never close.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 14
Hi, thanks for checking in to see how I'm doing.
I'm not well. I'm a wreck. Happy New Year by the way! It's 01:54 a.m., and I can't help but feel so bad that my husband and I did not spend the "holiday" together. It's the first time since we've been together that we don't. I feel really stupid (sorry I have to say it like I feel). I spent this whole time with my family and it was so fun, I thought I was doing great only occasionally thinking about him. And then the new year starts and I'm a total wreck just balling my eyes out because he's not here with me.
I tried to think of the 3 c's, but it's just not working. All the step forward I took this week, and then in two hours I'm back to, well, not even square one!
I don't even know what to say. And he sent me e-mails.
No no I need to stop myself. I deserve better. What will happen? I go back and ten minutes in and I'm back to hating him?
But I'm just so saaaaaaad!
I'm a mess. And I hate it!
I'm not well. I'm a wreck. Happy New Year by the way! It's 01:54 a.m., and I can't help but feel so bad that my husband and I did not spend the "holiday" together. It's the first time since we've been together that we don't. I feel really stupid (sorry I have to say it like I feel). I spent this whole time with my family and it was so fun, I thought I was doing great only occasionally thinking about him. And then the new year starts and I'm a total wreck just balling my eyes out because he's not here with me.
I tried to think of the 3 c's, but it's just not working. All the step forward I took this week, and then in two hours I'm back to, well, not even square one!
I don't even know what to say. And he sent me e-mails.
No no I need to stop myself. I deserve better. What will happen? I go back and ten minutes in and I'm back to hating him?
But I'm just so saaaaaaad!
I'm a mess. And I hate it!
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Yeah, the holidays can do that to ya. I can't say I don't know how you feel. I asked Mr.Sofa to leave on New Years Eve. And I was a mess too.....
But I was a mess when I was with him as well.
You keep taking those baby steps Bellemari. Be kind to yourself.
Being in a relationship with an active A can be crazy making.
They do everything they can to protect their "secret" the disease...and anyone who stands in the way of that (that would be us) is subject to a lot of mind games.
Not one of us here can say that after we separated from our "A"s we didn't slip. Even if it was just in our minds...we were and are mourning a loss....and trying to get our heads back.
It's gonna take a while. Hell, I used to count the hours and minutes after he left....
I would look at the clock and say to myself "Okay, it's 7PM...if I watch two movies back to back, that will be four hours and then it will be 11 O'clock. Then I'll stay on SR for an hour and then officially, that will be another day I got through of NO CONTACT."
Whatever you need to do to get through the days in the beginning, you do.
I mentioned to you that I literally just stayed here and hit the refresh button over and over...for days!
And I cried too.......A LOT! Talked to myself in the mirror...no, argued with myself is more like it.
You're okay, be kind to yourself. Stay with your family, you said you had so much fun with them. They will be an excellent support to you through all of this. And keep coming here. You will get through this with all the support you need.
We're here.
And a Happy New Year to you as well...one day at a time.
But I was a mess when I was with him as well.
You keep taking those baby steps Bellemari. Be kind to yourself.
Being in a relationship with an active A can be crazy making.
They do everything they can to protect their "secret" the disease...and anyone who stands in the way of that (that would be us) is subject to a lot of mind games.
Not one of us here can say that after we separated from our "A"s we didn't slip. Even if it was just in our minds...we were and are mourning a loss....and trying to get our heads back.
It's gonna take a while. Hell, I used to count the hours and minutes after he left....
I would look at the clock and say to myself "Okay, it's 7PM...if I watch two movies back to back, that will be four hours and then it will be 11 O'clock. Then I'll stay on SR for an hour and then officially, that will be another day I got through of NO CONTACT."
Whatever you need to do to get through the days in the beginning, you do.
I mentioned to you that I literally just stayed here and hit the refresh button over and over...for days!
And I cried too.......A LOT! Talked to myself in the mirror...no, argued with myself is more like it.
You're okay, be kind to yourself. Stay with your family, you said you had so much fun with them. They will be an excellent support to you through all of this. And keep coming here. You will get through this with all the support you need.
We're here.
And a Happy New Year to you as well...one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Bellemari,
It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be a mess, those feelings may feel over whelming but they won’t kill you. You will make it through, be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel everything you feel. We get ourselves into trouble when we make attempts to “fix” our feelings by inviting them back into our lives.
I found a new song I love the lyrics to go on Youtube and search Christine Perri”s song Jar of hearts and the lyrics.
I moved out my exbf's on Nov 6, we remained in contact and it was a living hell for me to witness him in the condition he was in so i ended all contact on Dec 18 today it is officially 2 weeks and I am really proud of myself. One step at a time, one breath at a time, one moment at a time.
It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be a mess, those feelings may feel over whelming but they won’t kill you. You will make it through, be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel everything you feel. We get ourselves into trouble when we make attempts to “fix” our feelings by inviting them back into our lives.
I found a new song I love the lyrics to go on Youtube and search Christine Perri”s song Jar of hearts and the lyrics.
I moved out my exbf's on Nov 6, we remained in contact and it was a living hell for me to witness him in the condition he was in so i ended all contact on Dec 18 today it is officially 2 weeks and I am really proud of myself. One step at a time, one breath at a time, one moment at a time.
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