bookwyrm

So the New Year is approaching and I'm reviewing what I've done this year.

A number of threads recently have started me thinking about my relationships with men over the years. Before I met XAH I drifted from one relationship to another. I believed I was 'liberated' and empowered' by moving from one man/boy (I was fairly young!) to another without a whole lot of emotional attachment.

I grew up with an emotionally distant mother and a verbally abusive/narcissistic father and a family that kept secrets. I've always felt like an outsider growing up. I always wanted that 'one' best friend to be mine and only mine as a child but could never find it. Hitting my teens I discovered the opposite sex. I had one long term relationship that ended badly and became a love em and leave em kinda gal - secretly hoping to find someone that would make me feel 'real'.

This video really hit home with me: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ets-big-o.html

When I met XAH I fell hard. Here was someone that actually wanted and needed me. Who seemed to be as confused about life as I was. I fell hard and over the years he became my world, my rock and my salvation. I needed to be 'good' enough to help him, I could love him better. We jumped into a codie relationship before alcohol took over (not that there weren't red flags at the time)! 18 years later, our life together finally disintegrated. I think about him a lot - not in any kind of yearning way - and I'm still trying to work out what went 'wrong'. I've realised that I was primed for this before I even met him. Something in my FOO modelled codie traits in me even without the alcohol in it.

2 years after splitting and one year after divorcing and getting my own place, I'm still nowhere near ready to even think about entering another relationship. I'm 40 and I don't see me ever wanting to go down that road again. But I still feel lost. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? I've given up on the idea of kids - I refused to have them when XAH was still drinking and waited far too long for him to 'see the light'. I have very few friends and I have a strong tendency to isolate. I wrestle with depression which seems to be taking up more of my time lately.

How do I start finding out who I am? How do I know what I want? I'm very slowly starting to trust myself again - progress not perfection - but I feel I 'should' be further along the road than I am. I'm seeing a counsellor just now but I don't really like her. She's free on the NHS. I did see a counsellor 2 years ago who was wonderful! If I were to change I would have to find the money from somewhere. Maybe it's worth it?

Sorry for the wandering post. I'm just looking for some different perspectives here. This time of year always makes me look at myself and despair!

JenT1968

Maybe that's your christmas present to yourself BW? counselling with someone you click better with (perhaps in addition to the NHS one so you can stretch it out a bit more, spread the cost?). I think you are brilliant. Stop beating yourself over the head about not being further along than you are. We go as fast as we go. and going sllllooooowwwww (not that I think you are) isn't a character flaw or a failing, sometimes its a sign of really getting to grips with stuff on a deep level. whatever, this isn't a competition.

I understand the isolating and depression stuff, I do it too. I don't know what the answer is there, except again to acccept that it is part of me, and not to use it as another stick. Sometimes I force myself to go out and I enjoy it. Sometimes I let myself be alone and enjoy that.

and kids, one of the biggest things I struggle to forgive myself for is bringing two children into the world who are burdened by having an alcoholic for a father. Yours was the far less selfish, more noble choice. I understand that doesn't take away from the pain of what could have been (perhaps could still be?).

2011 will be a good year.

((Much love gentle friend))

laurie6781

(((((Bookwyrm))))))

When I divorced my second husband at the age of 42 my AA sponsor 'suggested' that I live alone and without a relationship for at least 1 year, so that I could get to know myself.

That 1 year turned into 22 1/2 years. Yes I had 2 casual relationships during that time, see each other once or twice a week for plays, movies or dinner, but no moving in together or getting real close and I was fine with that.

Over the years I finally got 'comfortable' with me and was able to figure out what I really wanted, and did spend time on and off of the computer 'searching' for my first love. Figured out that both husbands had been 'shells' of him. I searched for him for many many years, almost to the point of obsession. In October of '07 I gave up. Quit, knew I was becoming obsessed and just knew I would never find him.

Resigned myself to living alone and got on with my life, doing what I had been doing, volunteering, visiting those in Nursing Homes that got no visitors, going out occasionally with gal friends, to a play, movie and/or dinner. Going to grandchildren's school shows, etc.

January 7 this year that all changed .............................. the one I had been looking for found me! I have been traveling with him, going to see him, he travels here, and we are getting along really well.

I have to accept however, if I had not had all that 'alone' time to work on me, figure me out, etc I would not be a very good companion for him and he certainly would not have been able to fulfill what I wanted (because I would not have known for sure what I wanted in a companion.)

All I can say is my Sponsor planted the seed with her '1 year suggestion', however in reality it took me a lot longer to become really 'comfortable' with me, and to start to figure me out.

I will tell you that after his first call that day, I was all over the place with emotions, 'what ifs', planning future, felt like I was having a heart attack (anxiety?) etc I had to take a firm grip on myself and remind myself to SETTLE DOWN, STAY IN THE NOW, and WAIT AND SEE.

Is he everything he used to be? Yep. Is he still a little boy in some respects just with more expensive toys? You bet. lol (this based on my firm conviction that all men are little boys that haven't grown up, it just that their 'toys' get more expensive, lmao)

Is he compassionate, caring, loving? Yep.

My life really started to turn around at year 4 or so of living alone, when I finally figured out that I didn't need a 'him' on my arm to feel complete. Once I accepted that ............................ I started getting more offers than I wanted to deal with, lol

Through this experience for these many years, I have come to believe that we attract others to us, based on our 'insides' and not our 'outsides.' I had to heal ME before I could 'attract' or 're-attract' 'decent' human beings.

So ...................... sit back, work on you, find new hobbys or renew old ones and see what happens. There is no hurry, honest, I am now 65 1/2 and having the time of my life.

You can too.

Here's wishing you the best NEW YEAR you have ever had!!!!

Love and hugs,

coyote21

I feel very similar to you in many ways, I'm 58. So there you have it, the good news is, you can be grateful you're "only" 40.

And I totally agree with JenT about your conscious decision to "not" bring children into an alcoholic marriage, very selfless. I kind of did the opposite, I agreed to having a child in hopes of it sobering the mom up, and we all know how splendidly that worked out. I have a lot of guilt behind that, if I allow it.

One last thought about children. Just because you never gave birth, doesn't mean you don't have lots of options, it only means you don't have that "one" option.

There's a 60yo woman in my Al-Anon group, who for what ever reason never "birthed" a child. She met a young woman in the group years ago, (maybe her mom was an alcoholic? IDK) and became her mentor and basically, surrogate mother. She's a grandmother now, and would be the first to agree that "birthing" this woman wouldn't have made their relationship any more special or different. I believe the fact that they "picked" each other, adds rather than detracts.

If you can keep an open mind and an open heart, the possibilities for you to fulfill your desire to "mother/nurture" a child are limitless. There are motherless children everywhere that need what you have to give at LEAST as much as you need to give it. I've got one coming home Saturday, myself.

Luckily, LMC has a mentor, in the form of an "auntie" who loves her and spends quality time with her. And guess what else? This "auntie" is 40, going through a divorce, and never gave birth. Is it a coincidence that this woman came into our lives? I no longer believe in coincidences.

Any who, I try every day to keep an open mind and heart, and to think positive thoughts and to stay in gratitude for the many blessings I DO have. Those few simple efforts on my part help to keep my depression at bay.

I hope these feeling of yours pass soon, and give way to a very Happy New Year. Don't give up before the miracle happens.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

barb dwyer

hey bookwyrm!

I agree that's a great new year's gift to give yourself!

Have you tried alanon over there?

Not so much for the counseling, but for the f2f part.
You might have a lot to contribute to a group?

TakingCharge999

Hi book! I would humbly suggest to make the effort to seek another counselor! my life has changed for the better since I switched psychologist. It has been a huge blessing and I am already seeing things with more clarity... and life a little bit brighter (of course not all the time but the times that I do keep me going..)
Thanks for being such a great friend here in SR ((BOOK))

bookwyrm

Time to invest in counselling I think! Thanks everyone for your replies. You've all reassured me and given me things to think about.

I still can't believe myself how I stuck to my guns over having kids - for some reason I thought it wasn't fair to bring someone vulnerable and new into our relationship but it was OK for ME to be there!! And reading some of the stories here about having an alcoholic to co-parent with makes me glad I did. XAH pushed for them and the OW has one. But...there is always that small sad voice in my head asking why I didn't just do it... I have friends with children and I get to play but sometimes it makes me a little wistful. No use crying over spilt milk, huh? (ooh, almost typed something crude there!!)

So, New Year resolution (though I don't 'do' resolutions) is to rework the budget and get a counsellor I can work with.

kia

im about to start counselling in new year the last one few years back i got on great with this ones a new one so who knows and i only get 4 sessions free so we shall see if this is gonna be helpful or not i just hope she knows how to deal with someone whos been with a drinker cos the last time it was for relationship break up which this kinda of is too but with added issues.

Maybe try going back to the docs and request further help they might get u a different one i dunno i get where your coming from though *hugs* xxx

buttercream

Hi bookwyrm, I can relate to much of what you said! Hugs to you! I am 40 as well, childless, and spent the last 5 years with an A. We are at the end of our marriage now, and I feel like I wasted some very important years waiting for him and hoping things would change. At this point, I can't even begin to imagine myself with anyone else, which is disheartening. I enjoyed being married, and the single life is not calling out to me! Best of luck to you!

theuncertainty

Hugs, Bookwyrm. I'm just a few months behind JenT, truth be told. What I wanted by the time I got to be this old: 2 beautifully brilliant kids, a small home with a huge yard, a huge dog to run around the huge yard with the kids, a fluffy cat sitting on the window sill, and a loving husband.

What I have as of today: 1 (amazing, sweet, smart, healthy, gorgeous, did I say amazing?) boy who makes my heart soar, my freedom and MY name back. I'm currently living with my sister and her family.

Not exactly where I thought I'd be, but definitely better than where I was 2 yrs ago. Thanks to this recently escaped relationship, I have absolutely no desire to date. (I'm terrified of who I might pick next.) I'm assured by friends that feeling will pass. Personally, I think they're overly optimistic, but.....

I'll be starting to save up again for that little house with a bit of land, and will be keeping an eye out for the dog and cat. So honestly, I can give myself pretty much everything I wanted; it will just take a bit longer than I thought it would. AND I'll have done most of it myself.

I can say this all now. Not sure how I'll be feeling NYE when DS is at the GF's house with his father.....