wonderingfriend

I've been thinking about it, just couldn't find the strength to really do it. But he stood me up yet again last night. I can't keep doing this. I'm mad, but not nearly as much as I am hurt. We have been through a lot together and it kills me that he has this problem, but its not my problem and I can't let him bring me down. I would take him back in an instant if he would prove to me that he can change or atleast attempt to....but he doesn't seem to care. His words to me were "you'll never know how much I really do care". Guess he's right......

I'm depressed, sad and hurt......I love him with all my heart

Ann

Words mean nothing unless they are backed by action.

Sometimes what we think we are leaving behind is only an illusion of the love that could have been without addiction. Addiction stole that love long before we let go.

You deserve to be happy, I hope you will wipe your tears and move forward to better days ahead.

Hugs

wonderingfriend

I'm trying, hard as it is. I don't really have any friends locally so to speak and none that seem to understand what I'm going through.

ellis

you came to the right place then...

see if he does something about it now
if he does love you as much as he says he does
then getting you back may spur him into action

wonderingfriend

I just don't know that he will.....I know that is the real answer, what he does.
But should I expect that if he does want me back that this could take some time? Or am I to expect nothing and just move on and try to forget him?

I'm so confused and truthfully can't believe I had the strength to do it. I'm always the doormat, always taking everyone's excuses even though I see through them and know they are lies, always taking care of everyone...

ellis

you know him better than we do
trust your instincts...
they are there for a reason

wonderingfriend

The problem is that I don't know him anymore....

ellis

keep listening to your instincts
you need to follow logic right now, not love
take care of you first

wonderingfriend

thanks! I'm trying...The hardest part is at night when we used to talk on the phone or IM. I guess that will soon pass as well and I will find things that occupy my time rather than feeling like doing nothing.

Kindeyes

It takes time. Occupy your time and mind with things you enjoy doing and take care of you.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Addiction is a thief--it steals our loved ones from us and we have no choice but to let go because we simply can't control it.

gentle hugs

Live

You deserve far more than addiction and excuses. I applaud you for your strength to let it go..as you renew that commitment to yourself each day you will grow stronger and stronger and then attract people who are healthier.

wonderingfriend

Thanks, I have lots of activities that I do, but just can't seem to find the gumption to do them the past few days. He says he is clean and going to rehab.....I guess I'll never know if that's true.
I can't get him off my mind, we have known each other since middle school, and even when he was off married to someone else years ago and we had no contact the was on my mind probably weekly.....

sofacat

"But should I expect that if he does want me back that this could take some time? Or am I to expect nothing and just move on and try to forget him?"

It's a bit tricky trying to be a fortuneteller, isn't it?
How about you work on expectations of yourself.

What do you want for you?
Is this the kind of relationship that makes you happy, satisfied, fulfilled, enriched?
Do you think you deserve better?
Are you waiting for him to give you better?
How long have you been waiting?


"I'm always the doormat, always taking everyone's excuses even though I see through them and know they are lies, always taking care of everyone... "

And how's that working out for you?

wonderingfriend

I know I shouldn't want him back, that what he was doing to me was disrespectful and hurtful....but I can't help but miss him and want the old person back that I love

I know that I deserve better...but I never seem to find it and always seem to settle for less

I know I wasn't happy always wondering where he was, what he was doing, if he was going to be around that day....but I can't help but continue to wonder

I know I need to work on me....but where do I start

wonderingfriend

And I just came to the realization that this isn't my first relationship with an addict. My son's father was an alcoholic, as much as I have tried to deny that he was....he was. We no longer have any contact, he has nothing to do with my son, but in reading through other pages I see a million things people are posting that I went through as well.

Maybe *I* need more help than I realized.

Kindeyes

There are so many resources to begin working on you. All of Melody Beattie's books are good but "CoDependent No More" is a great one to start with. If you are able to get to a Naranon or Alanon meeting, those are invaluable. And those rooms are full of people who understand exactly what you have been going through. I have found friends in those meetings. If you can't get to a meeting, you can order literature at:

http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar...22.2010%29.pdf

As you can see, the cost of much of this literature is quite nominal and it is priceless.

As loved ones of addicts, we are often as "sick" as they are and we have some recovering to do as well. The important thing is that we CAN recover.......whether they choose to or not.

gentle hugs

sofacat

We become as addicted to them as they do their DOC.
Though we expect them to do all the recovery work.

I didn't see it like that until the people here made me aware of myself this way. I knew I was addicted to him, the chaos, the need to make everything right. In my head, if I could just help him "fix" his problem, we would have the perfect life together.

Fast forward 10 years...I was still trying to help him "fix" his problem...and lost sight of my own shortcomings. I was so fixated on what he was doing...that I forgot about myself completely. My moods, my needs, my happiness, my "zen" all relied on what he was doing.

That's an awful lot of emotional responsibility to be handing over to an addict, don't ya think?

You just start with today. Know your limits, and write down some boundaries for yourself. Writing them down really helps.

What will you no longer tolerate in "your world"?

Try not to think about all the "what if's"... just stay in "the moment" right now.
Stay here as long as you need to...I didn't go off this site for at LEAST 6 months...and when I separated from my ex...I LIVED on this site. Literally hitting the refresh button over and over. ANYTHING I needed to do to detox from an addictive relationship.

I guess it would be the same for them when they go off their "drug"...yes?

You can read my posts.
Codie Detox Day One, Day Two, Day Three....

The recovery for you starts today.
If you are ready...and we will all be here helping you along the way.
One day at a time.

And be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot. We all live through the addiction too...and that's quite a storm to live through. It takes awhile to get used to the quiet when you're so used to living in a tornado....so to speak.

have you been to an AlaNon or NarAnon meeting yet?

wonderingfriend

Thank you for that post. I guess that is what I'm feeling.....my addiction to him, to try to fix him, to always be there....I need to detox from that. What will come will come and what doesn't wasn't meant to be!

I have not been to alnon or anything of the sort, I feel kind of odd going, since I don't live with him and now have no contact and my ex (alcoholic) is long gone (think 9 years gone)....

Barbiebg32

((Wonderingfriend)) I give you a thumbs up for walking away. I am trying so hard to do that right now. I'll be at work and eaisly say GET OUT to him but the moment I get home and look at him I just in so many words throw my hands up and walk away. It frusterates me to no end that I can't just stand up and tell him to get out and really make him do it. I guess it's the codie in me that every one keeps talking about. But as sofacat says I don't want to wake up 10 years from now still trying to fix him. So after the new year I am going to start Al Anon classes and get the book every one on here keeps recomending. Codipendent No more. To start I have been basically living on this site also hitting the refresh button over and over again also. It has helped alot. It's helped me see that I need help as well.
I don't have much advice due to still going through this and have not yet walked away but I will keep you in my prayers. †

Kindeyes

Powerful two sentences! I love it!

Sometimes we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes unless we address our own issues from our past. There is no requirement that you must be living with the addict. Simply that your life has been affected by an addicted/alcoholic loved one.

gentle hugs