The Art of Staying Calm

Old 12-28-2010, 09:24 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The Art of Staying Calm

I am practicing the Art of Staying Calm. It's an interesting practice and one that is tested regularly and I don't always do it well.

I said here on SR that I would post about how things are going with my 29 year old son who got out of rehab about five weeks ago. We allowed him to come live with us (bad idea but perhaps necessary for my own growth).

I have no idea how his recovery is going. I keep my nose out of it. I don't ask him about meetings.....although he periodically volunteers the information. He has been working (although it is in construction and not always regular). He has joined the gym and is working out. He comes home quite late but he's quiet and it hasn't bothered us until.......

........last night he tested my practice of the Art of Staying Calm.

My husband had gone into the family room to watch TV because he couldn't sleep and he fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at about 2:00am. I heard the TV going and quite a bit of activity going on in the kitchen......so I got up and found my son and a female getting something to eat. He introduces me to her and tells me that she was at rehab with him. Nice. Just what we all need.....two "recovering" addicts in the house.

Then I realize that this is the young woman he referred to as "trouble". This is the young woman that he tried to drive home to her mother a couple of weeks ago (an hour away) and her mother told him that she couldn't stay with her (smart Mom). So he brought her back to our neck of the woods and she has been staying with some of his "friends" for the last couple of weeks. This is the young woman who has called our house at 5:30am (we're up by that time but who does that?). This is the young woman who he told me started her "addict behaviors" and he couldn't stand being around her.

It is apparent that he thinks she is going to stay the night with him......in our home.

My husband and I return to bed and decide that this just isn't ok with us. So I get up again, knock on his door and ask to speak with him. He comes to our bedroom and we explain that it isn't ok for him to bring someone home in the middle of the night and that we would appreciate communication before he does something of this nature so that we can discuss it. He stays calm but is obviously pissed off and he tries to justify the reason she is there (she had a fight with the guy she was staying with......was I suppose to care?). I firmly state that we require communication from him and that it's not ok for him to assume that someone can stay in our home without our consent. Communication......that is all we are asking for. He leaves our room.

He knocks at our bedroom door a few minutes later and tells us that we are rude and that we have now made her very uncomfortable staying there (really?). I explained that it wasn't his house and he didn't get to decide who could stay there and who could not. BOUNDARY. He began the King Baby routine and asked if we wanted them to leave. I continued to stay very calm and said "What's done is done......we'll talk about it tomorrow." He escalated the King Baby routine and I continued to remain in my OMMMMMMMzone. That really pissed him off.....he walked out of our room......went down the hall......packed his stuff and they left.

He didn't like our boundary. Oh well.

It looks like "trouble" just lost him a place to stay. Now his choice gets to be:

1. Oxford Housing
2. The streets

I'm still practicing the Art of Staying Calm. I feel better for it and it exposes him and his "addict behaviors". I am marginally interested in how this will play out (as opposed to obsessed about how this will play out).

oh well. I love saying that to myself.....oh well.

That's my update. Again I will state while I am going through it.......it's a really bad idea to let the addict come into your home after rehab. It's not good for them. It's not good for anyone.

Confession over.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 12-28-2010, 11:08 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
keepinon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
. We allowed him to come live with us (bad idea but perhaps necessary for my own growth).



I like this way of looking at it....sorry things didn't work out as you had hoped, but your home will once again be serene..so you got THAT going for you!
I'm sure him living elsewhere will be best for BOTH of your recoveries..Thanks for keeping us posted, I was wondering how the holiday went...
keepinon is offline  
Old 12-28-2010, 02:02 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 81
The Art of Staying Calm. I like that. Good for you Kindeyes. I remember when my AS first moved back into our home with his pregnant girlfriend. The first time I woke up to find strangers in my home, watching my TV and doing God knows whatelse. I wish I had thrown them out. After all, if they did not do what they do, they would have their own homes for entertaining and they could have whoever they want spend the night. But because if their poor decisions, they do not have their home.

You made the right decision. Stay calm.
Wisher is offline  
Old 12-28-2010, 03:55 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
greeteachday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
We allowed him to come live with us (bad idea but perhaps necessary for my own growth).
Change "him" to "her" and that was how I viewed it too, Kindeyes (after beating myself up about it a couple of hundred times first, so you are much further along than I was at the time. ) I hope your son will choose an Oxford House - I think they offer a wonderful expereince for early recovery.

With or without addiction, I have found having adult children live in my home is less than desirable. When I think back on myself in my early 20's I realize I probably would not have gotten along too well living with my parents either, and I was fortunate enough not to have to battle addiction. I guess I needed to learn on my own; imagine that, lol.

Thanks for sharing your experiences in the gentle art of staying calm.
greeteachday is offline  
Old 12-28-2010, 04:21 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Very wise of you to pick up on what was happening and to be able to calmly handle it. You remained a good mom while calmly putting your foot down at the same time.
I have to learn the art of calm and practice it myself.
beautifulgirl is offline  
Old 12-28-2010, 05:39 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It sounds like you handled the situation very well. He made a choice and he has to suffer the consequences of his action. You stood up to your boundaries. You have personal boundaries regarding your house and you reinforced them. I'm impressed you have been able to stay calm. I think I'd be pretty mad about now. It sounds like you've had enough of his King Baby episodes!!
bluebelle is offline  
Old 12-28-2010, 07:18 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
FGB
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 139
I'm so proud of you!! Hugs, FGB
FGB is offline  
Old 12-29-2010, 06:01 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Well....last night he came home around 7:30pm. He didn't say much. We said hello and asked how work went. He just said "Hard" and went to bed. Seemed a bit sheepish. I don't know what he was expecting. Perhaps he thought we were going to go wiggy and flip out on him.

But my DH and I are both practicing the Art of Staying Calm.

We expected him to stay away for a few days due to the manner in which he left the night before but he didn't. Hmmmm.....perhaps he decided that "trouble" wasn't worth it.

I slept like a baby last night. It felt so good.

ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 12-29-2010, 06:09 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
work in progress
 
sofacat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"oh well. I love saying that to myself.....oh well."



It's amazing how well all this Codependent self help stuff works, isn't it?

Excellent share. Thank you.
sofacat is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:53 AM.