stilltryinghard

Hi everyone - after a year and a half of sobriety I relapsed on Sunday. It was really bad, made it to a meeting yesterday, called my sponsor, and am feeling like I want to give it my all. I am just totally spun out because I have not told my wife yet - she is out of town. I am freaked out about telling her I relapsed because before we got married we broke up over my drinking. Also in the throws of my episode on Sunday I made out with some random woman in the bar, and I am just totally disgusted with myself. I don't know if I should tell her or whether this is one of those "injure others" exceptions. I want a marraige built on honesty, and with the exception of this behavior on Sunday night when "Mr. Hyde" came out, I have done that. We have a great relationship, I love her with all my heart. Yet I am feeling like the lowest lowly of the low right now and I don't want to cause her any more pain than I already have. I don't know what to do and would really appreciate any advice anyone has.

Kelsey

First, welcome to SR and thank you for your honesty. It is never easy to admit when we have made a mistake. In my opinion, others may see it differently, but I would tell your wife. It is not going to be easy I'm sure but to me it would be the right thing to do. Maybe talk to your sponsor or someone on here who can help you "talk out" how you want the conversation to go. Dont lose heart about messing up this one time. You made it a year and a half and can most certainly get there again!

JackNWA

Personally, I'm not 100% sure what I would do in this case. Please make sure and talk this over with your sponsor, and give it to your Higher Power.

stilltryinghard

Thanks for the help. I think my thought right now is to tell her I relapsed, but not give the gory details unless she asks. I don't know, I am not going to tell her until she gets home tomorrow and I will definitely talk it through with my sponsor first. I am just so heartbroken over this. I hate myself right now.

Kelsey

Try not to be so hard on yourself, mistakes happen. Stick around here and you will get loads of support.

din

have you given thought as to what brought you to that point?

trish8850

It makes me sad to hear you beating yourself up so bad, however, I can totally relate. I have done things while drinking that I would NEVER do sober. You are a good person with a awful disease. You are already doing the right things though by talking to your sponsor. If I was your wife, I would not want to know about the make out session. It's not like you are having an affair, as you will never see that girl from the bar again. Your relapse is a much bigger deal than some make out with a random girl. It's going to be ok. Try to take a deep breath and relax for a minute. You just need to start over and a lot of us have had to do that. Keep going to meetings!!!!!!! They will help keep you connected!

stilltryinghard

Thank you so much for everyone's thoughts it is really appreciated. I have given some thought to the question of why I went out, and it really comes down to the basics. I was withdrawing, not going to meetings, not really working the steps that well (sort of fell off after I got some amends done), and I came home from the holidays because I had to work, and my wife stayed behind with her family. I felt incredibly lonely and I didn't want to. So I drank. I didn't call anyone. I just did it. And it was a nightmare.

This morning I stayed home from work and have been making program calls and posting to this site, and I'm going to a meeting in an hour. I am still dreading telling my wife I relapsed, but I know it is going to be ok. I could really use some prayers if you have any to spare for someone who is a good person, and an awful drunk.

stephnc

Don't hate yourself, please. You're human and humans make mistakes...I'm also sure it could have been worse (when I've relapsed it's generally taken me weeks or even months to get back in the saddle, back to meetings, etc. because once I start I simply cannot stop.) So the fact that this was one day of drinking puts you way ahead of what a lot of people might have done.

The thing about your wife...I'm not so sure about that one. Sure, you should tell her you relapsed but as far as the bit about making out with a random girl, I'm not so sure she needs to hear about that (any more than she needs to have a blow-by-blow account of every single thing you ever do away from her - just my humble opinion). I'd of course talk to your sponsor, but I'd also consider what your motives might be for telling her or not telling. Would it be just to soothe your guilt - in which it would be more for your benefit than for hers - or is it because in your relationship it's crucial to both of you that you know every last detail of each other's lives? Would you want to know if she had done the same thing, and how do your feelings about that affect your decision about telling her?

I hope any or some of this is helpful. Congrats again for coming back so quickly.

Stephanie

artsoul

ditto what steph said.

Lushwell

You might get some damage control talking to your sponsor. If you are looking for inflicting some infection in this calamity, address this issue with your wife on your own. The head that told you it was OK to drink a few hours ago is the same head that will be talking to your wife. Regret is not an indicator that our thinking has improved. Regret indicates a reluctance to pay consequences or concern about consequences. Change indicates responsible action. That will require time and effort. Guess which one will carry more weight with a spouse? Your regret, or your change?

Going back out and using was a decision you made. Once wrung out and dry, we seldom break out drunk. We set up the fall. What you are dealing with is the cost. Right now, you are trying to negotiate that price. The bargaining power is entirely in someone else's hands now. You put it there. I am a believer that when it gets bad enough, some action will be taken. Which action, and for how long, depends on you. You know what is available to you. You might take a long hard look at what AA has to offer.

Eddiebuckle

I can understand your wanting to be totally honest with your wife, but I am not sure that unburdening yourself at the same time you tell her of the relapse serves a useful purpose. You should tell her imo, but I don't know that she will be able to process both at the same time.

Anna

Hi,

I am sorry you're feeling so down at this point, but don't let the negative thoughts keep you from working on your recovery.

This is just my opinion, but I think honesty is crucial to recovery and crucial to a marriage. I just don't think that hiding things would be the way to move forward.

I think it's good that you recognize that you were lonely and what led to your relapse. Focus on the sober year and a half you had and how you can continue to recover.

Kjell

In AA, it's said, that without fail, one way to make yourself feel better is to reach out to another alcoholic.

My friend, you're doing just that in posting here. Yes, you're asking for our opinions and you're distraught (and I would be too, I know how you feel), but you're also helping us to remember what it's like "out there".

Thank you and "to thy own self be true".

Kjell

AmericanGirl

Hi still,

Sorry you have been feeling bad; we really are all human so please don't beat yourself up. You really seem to be taking control of the situation in a way that will get you back on track quickly -- excellent.

I would tend to agree with Anna above about the importance of honesty; trust is built on honesty, not being a perfect human, right? (Ive yet to meet a perfect human anyway . . .) I also know you don't want to hurt your wife unnecessarily. It seems to me the key would be to be careful about how your conversation goes by making all that is clear in your post (how you feel) clear to her too.

Hope you feel better soon.

Dee74

I'm sorry you fell stilltryinghard, but I'm glad you're back.

I can't tell you what to tell your wife - only you know your wife and your relationship

I would need to tell mine tho - like Anna said, I have a relationship based on trust and honesty - it's actually very important to us - if I chipped away at that, I might lose more than my sobriety.

I wish you well whatever you decide
D

nancylee

I would tell your wife about the relapse, but the making out part will do more harm, in my view. As long as it didn't go further than that, and you won't see the girl again, I would not want to know.

Having said that, I also agree with analyzing what got you to the point of drinking after a year and a half?? Can you identify it? I think that is the most important thing you have to do. Best to you - you were sober quite a while, you can do it again!! Don't quit!
Nancy

CarolD

Welcome....

I was single in my active addiction and recovery.
I simply have no experience to share on your situation.

Prayer helps me immensley with everything.

I strongly suggest you begin Step work...note that amends
are on Step 9.

If your "making out" involved intercourse ...then there is a medical issue
involved in your decision to tell your wife....IMO

c49

You're gonna hate this:

What if your wife went to a bar, got drunk, and made out with some random guy. Would you want that secret kept from you?

Honesty is honesty. You cannot water it down. Sorry... I do feel for your predicament and this is certainly a hard lesson of sobriety.

oakleaf82

Tell her about the relapse.

Tell her about the other part later.