crystal226

Joined STBXAH and his family for Christmas dinner for the kids benefit. Found out a few interesting details that thankfully backed my decision to leave. I guess I would rather see his doing better for himself, but it is always nice to know that you are on the right path.

What I found out was: one he is drinking again and two even though he quit his job and can't pay his bills and I am going to have to take over the car payment in my name he said he would pay (surprised? NO, but still) and his parents are going to have to pay his student loan he somehow managed to buy himself a handgun for Christmas.

I thought Christmas would be difficult and it was, but I was thankful that the person I had to deal with was the irresponsible STBXAH instead of the "look how sweet I am" one because I was afraid of being sucked back in.

Something bothered me though about dinner...his family went ahead and served wine, spiked eggnog, and champagne with dinner even though STBXAH was supposedly quitting drinking (he drank so clearly he isn't) and they know he is an alcoholic. I think I have seen posts similar to this before so sorry if this is a repeat, but what do you think the responsibility of the family of an A is? I would think serving alcohol at a family function when someone is newly in recovery (or supposedly trying to be) is a kind of questionable behavior. Any thoughts?

seekingcalm

I would not drink or serve alcohol around an alcoholic loved one in early recovery. Ultimately, it is up to the A to live in the world where alcohol exists, but I would not do anything to make it more difficult for someone I care about who is working on their recovery and trying to get healthy.

If, on the other hand, that person was not seeking recovery, I would do whatever I would normally do, since it would make no difference anyway.

Just my opinion.

naive

hi crystal-

who's driving the car?

naive

JenT1968

I would probably not serve alcohol at a dinner if one of the guests asked me not to and I wanted them to be there. you have no idea the conversations they may have had about that. FWIW I variously gave up alcohol, removed it from the house etc to support xAH or to show him that fun is possible without alcohol. never made any difference, he always drank in secret throughout anyway.

He spent christmas day with us, I had a glass of wine with christmas lunch, and some fizzy wine later. Because I wanted to. He had brought his own supplies and was drinking throughout the day in "secret". I knew he would drink, and I was inviting him over so the kids could spend christmas day with both of us, so it didn't surprise me, annoy or upset me. His behaviour was fine, as I have been able to recently draw and enforce boundaries about how he acts towards me, and he was pleasant and played with the children, so there was no point in bringing it up and ruining the day for the kids.
I have learned that it doesn't matter what I or others do regarding alcohol, ex will drink, a lot.

so yes, the car thing, if he drives the car and you're making the payments, could you sell it?

crystal226

He has been because he is a co-signer and has been paying the bill. The next bill is due the 11th and I have given him until the end of this month to show me that he can pay the bill or give the car to me since it will become my responsibility. If he doesn't give it to me willingly, I have a key and will just drive over and get it myself. He is on the title too, but it is an 'or' and not an 'and' so I can sell (which I plan on doing) it with or without his permission.

barb dwyer

too bad you can't park it at the pollice station and have it 'booted' and if he passes the breath test - have at it. LOL

There's 'your' car, honey ... XOXX