Not even sure where to begin...

Old 12-27-2010, 12:12 PM
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Not even sure where to begin...

Boyfriend has been an abuser for many years, classified himself as an addict a few years ago, and has 'struggled' with sobriety over the past few years. He can handle no alcohol with no problem at all, but the xanax and pot are what he just cannot give up. He will go a few months sans xanax (while smoking pot every day) but will relapse at the worst of times and be right back where he started.

We had twin daughters in September, he relapsed 3 days after their birth, stayed high for 2 months straight pretty much, then I gave him an ultimatum (after he nearly OD'd) that if he took any more xanax, he was out of my life for good. Just the other day, he even said he was going to (finally) quit smoking pot at New Years.

Well, yesterday, he relapsed on the xanax again. We had such a nice Christmas with family and everything was great, and yesterday afternoon, he took our 3 month old daughter on a drug run to pick up pills which is just not acceptable in any way.

I'm so frustrated, and really do not know what to do. I love him, and I want him to be here for our children, but I hate who he has become. I guess it also relates to our situation that while he's not in a good financial situation at all, his little contribution to rent/bills each month definitely helps us get by and I'm not sure I could do it alone.

What to do...what to do...

I'm just fed up.
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Old 12-27-2010, 12:44 PM
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Hi welcome. I'm sorry for the tough spot you find yourself in. I know you wish he would follow through on his promises but he hasn't and empty threats won't make him change. Sometimes it's hard to accept that we have no control over the choices of another human being. The only thing we can control is our own behavior, and our responses to other peoples behavior.

I gave him an ultimatum (after he nearly OD'd) that if he took any more xanax, he was out of my life for good.
Now you need to decide whether you are going to follow though on your words, or if you are going to continue with his addiction game.

Focus on his actions, not his words. Because words are meaningless when it comes to addiction. They lie. Saying you are going to quit or saying that you WANT to quit using is not the same as quitting. Not by a long shot.

It might be helpful to ask yourself, by not following through on your ultimatum to leave if he continues using, what are your actions telling him?

Do you have any family nearby that you can turn to for some support? I hate to see babies grow up in a house full of addiction and dysfunction all for the sake of a few dollars.
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Old 12-27-2010, 01:26 PM
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Actually, I do have family locally. My Mom lives with us...but is not in a financial position to help out. It pretty much all falls on me, which makes me quite resentful toward him. I have to make our lives work because I know he won't do his part.

I can't help but thinking about what will happen to him if I make him leave. He has no friends/family locally and would be homeless, and I don't want to see that.

Part of me would like to just toss him on an airplane to the state where his Mom lives, but she said if he ruins things at home with the babies and me, that he should just lose her number because she's through with him.

I just can't bring myself to detach and not think about what will happen to him, which makes me a total enabler.
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Old 12-27-2010, 02:20 PM
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Sounds like his mom knows what she's talking about. Enabling prevents addicts from getting better, so unfortunately, protecting your boyfriend from the consequences of his actions is only going to make things worse for all of you - you, your babies and your boyfriend.

I wouldn't worry too much about what your boyfriend will do if you decide not to put up with the drug abuse in your home anymore. He is a grown man and addicts are extremely resourceful. When you quit being his enabler, he'll manage his life however he chooses. He may even seek help for his addiction. Or he may not. Again, you have no control over his choices. Until he wants to get better more than he wants to keep using, he's going to keep using.

Your children are just tiny and deserve all your attention right now. You have a choice regarding how you live your life but your babies don't. I'm glad you have your mom there to help since people who are high on xanax don't make very good childcare providers. And living with resentment and anger can really sap a mother's energy.

Keep reading and posting. It may help you find the strength and courage to deal with your situation.

You may want to check out a book called "Co-dependent no more" by Melanie Beatty. It has a lot of good information. Also, Alanon meetings can be helpful as well.
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Old 12-27-2010, 02:48 PM
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I have tried alanon before, but with twin babies, it's kinda hard to make meetings....so I figured I can work on my recovery here as well.

Thank you for your response.
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Old 12-27-2010, 03:34 PM
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there are online meetings available too dontburnthepig.
work and worry about you and the babies.
please leave him out of it.
when he is using, he is not thinking about any of you,
except maybe to pity party himself into another high.
xanax is deadly. he is choosing this to life with his wife and babies.
concern for him is wasted energy.
please take care of you. you and your babies.

Beth
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Old 12-27-2010, 07:52 PM
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Hey there.....welcome to SR. This forum is a great resource with a tremendous amount of collective wisdom.

You're in a tough spot. You are the primary provider/caregiver for your mother, twin babies, and a man-child. That's a lot to handle.

Focus on yourself and the babies and keeping your head on straight. Unfortunately living with and loving an active addict can sometimes make us crazy and spiral into an abyss with them.

If you are unable to go to meetings, you can still get your hands on some of the literature from Naranon. I find the daily readers are very helpful. You can order literature from Naranon below:

http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar...22.2010%29.pdf

I hope you stick around and find comfort here.

gentle hugs
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Old 12-27-2010, 10:41 PM
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I am also a new mother to my 6 week daughter. I was dealing with my exab who to my knowledge was/is doing anything he can get his hands on (meth,herorin, coke, ecstacy etc...) from the beginning of my pregnancy. I can't say to you just leave because I didn't make that choice he left me. I was by myself 3 months pregnant. He left me with the rent, bills and to deal with his debts. A month barely went by where I didn't even have enough money to buy groceries to eat until I broke down and told my family what was going on. I finally told them I needed help. Do you have any friends or family that can help you? It's hard being a new mother especially to twins I can imagine. Add the stress and chaos dealing with an addict it's just so much to take. I couldn't imagine taking care of my daughter and having my exab around. I know what you mean when you say you want him to be there for your kids and you hate what he has become.
My exab missed the birth of our daughter, hasn't ever tried to see her, only called once and I havent heard from him since. Still I have this hope he will be the man I knew and the father he always wanted to be. I can't really give you advice on what to do since I wasn't given a choice to leave or stay. I like to think I would have been strong enough to leave but can't be certain. But I can tell you you're not alone.
Your babies need you to be to take care of them and protect them. The fact that he took one of your babies on a drug run is scary. If you don't think you don't have the strength just look at your babies and think what kind of life you want for them. It might be one of the hardest things to do but also the smartest too.
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Old 12-28-2010, 05:58 PM
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It sounds like you need to put the focus on yourself and your babies and not worry about the addict. He is going to make choices and you can't control that. His mixture of alcohol and xanax is extremely dangerous, and could lead to death or arrest. You obviously care about him, but there is nothing you can do for him. He will choose for himself whether or not to do drugs. He faces the consequences of his own actions. I've been around addicts my whole live, and believe me, you can't save them. Unfortunately, the drug is the most important thing to them. It sounds like he has tried to stop a few times, but he hasn't gotten real help for his addiction. Has he been to meetings or seen a counselor? He says he wants to stop, and yet he continues. I think it is best for you to pay attention to his actions not his words. His words say he wants to stop, yet he keeps using the drugs.
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:14 PM
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Originally Posted by DontBurnThePig View Post
Boyfriend has been an abuser for many years, classified himself as an addict a few years ago, and has 'struggled' with sobriety over the past few years. He can handle no alcohol with no problem at all, but the xanax and pot are what he just cannot give up. He will go a few months sans xanax (while smoking pot every day) but will relapse at the worst of times and be right back where he started.

We had twin daughters in September, he relapsed 3 days after their birth, stayed high for 2 months straight pretty much, then I gave him an ultimatum (after he nearly OD'd) that if he took any more xanax, he was out of my life for good. Just the other day, he even said he was going to (finally) quit smoking pot at New Years.

Well, yesterday, he relapsed on the xanax again. We had such a nice Christmas with family and everything was great, and yesterday afternoon, he took our 3 month old daughter on a drug run to pick up pills which is just not acceptable in any way.

I'm so frustrated, and really do not know what to do. I love him, and I want him to be here for our children, but I hate who he has become. I guess it also relates to our situation that while he's not in a good financial situation at all, his little contribution to rent/bills each month definitely helps us get by and I'm not sure I could do it alone.

What to do...what to do...
I'm just fed up.
Just pointing out some of your own words...
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Old 12-29-2010, 09:13 AM
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Hi and welcome.

I used to worry about turning my husband out onto the street too. His family had all but disowned him years ago due to drug addiction and he really didn't have any true friends. When I reached MY bottom, after several rounds of treatment/rehab, etc. I told him to go the street. During an earlier seperation, I had signed over the title of his truck to him so that my name would be on it should anything happen. I knew he could sleep in it too if he needed to and he did.

At first he stayed in some camp grounds then I guess, whereever he could. Eventually he ended up in a homeless shelter and detoxed himself. He also got on a list for a homeless veterans shelter that he could live at for up to 2 years (because the VA recognizes that it takes nearly two years for an addicts brain chemistry to return to normal) and it was located 6 hours away. When I found out it was that far, it was relief because I was stressing so much about people seeing him or worrying about running into him or him breaking into the house, etc. He got clean all by himself and has stayed clean now for over a year. We are back together and he is doing really well.

For him, he admits that he had to loose it all - me, our baby, his home, his career, his life, etc. He said that putting him out on the street saved his life but understand, I didn't do it. He didn't do it for me. He did it for himself - when HE was ready. It took me a long, long time to understand that. I thought that by hanging around after treatment and being a good little wife and cheerleader, that I was supporting him and loving him. I about loved him to death. I moved on and he moved on. It's a miracle that we came back together after all the damage that's been done and sometimes I admit, I get weirded out about stuff but it's then that I have to look to my support group, get to a meeting and take care of myself and our daughter.

See, he was going to quit drinking when I got pregnant. Then afterwards. Then came the drugs. Then this or that. They are full of excuses and are master deal makers and manipulators. You have another life you are responsible for (as was I). Don't depend on him for anything. Count on yourself and look at your future. He will find his and hopefully it will be a good one. The best way you can help him is to help him out the door. When he's ready to get clean, he will but it will be in his time, not yours.
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Old 12-31-2010, 11:53 PM
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I am so sorry for the situation you are in, I am really sorry now there are 2 babies brought into it. The same bf that abused you and was sent to jail, released and then back in again.

He sure has not changed and I don't think what he contributes is worth a can of peas. There must be some sort of assistance you could apply for in Florida. This man is to sick to be around children and never should be left in any situatiion where he is alone with the babies....to think that he was driving with them to get drugs...to think you don't know what to do! My My My those poor wee babies!

Rose
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Old 01-01-2011, 08:55 AM
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"and yesterday afternoon, he took our 3 month old daughter on a drug run to pick up pills which is just not acceptable in any way. "

Does the fear of living without him outweigh the fear of something dangerous happening to your child?

"he's not in a good financial situation at all"

And who is financing his addiction?


"I'm not sure I could do it alone. "

You already are.
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Old 01-01-2011, 08:55 AM
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"and yesterday afternoon, he took our 3 month old daughter on a drug run to pick up pills which is just not acceptable in any way. "

Does the fear of living without him outweigh the fear of something dangerous happening to your child?

"he's not in a good financial situation at all"

And who is financing his addiction?


"I'm not sure I could do it alone. "

You already are.
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Old 01-01-2011, 09:25 AM
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It does sound like you are doing it on your own.

Any chance of downsizing? Cutting monthly costs?

With him gone/out of the picture you would be paying for less food, gas, etc. And your bank accounts (provided you remove him) would be less burden as well.
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Old 01-01-2011, 07:48 PM
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hey there, don't burn,

i want to welcome you to sober recovery. you can do a lot of recovery work right here at the computer. this is a really great forum for us.

i hope you will find the answers, and the truths, that you seek.
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Old 01-02-2011, 04:35 AM
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Without him, wouldn't you be eligible for financial assistance. Youd be amazed how you can actually do it alone, even when the numbers look like they will never work out, plus there's other agencies that help.

BTW, when 1 person moved out of my house water went down $20 bucks a month, electric 35 to 55 a month, gas atleast $50 and Im sure other things

He will find a place to be, or be where he wants, hes resourceful they all are. Your babies need all your energy, not him.

Also, think of this scenario, Ive seen it happen. Few months down line (and this could happen to a non addict, but much more likely in addict situation: Your precious babies are crawling; 1) they crawl across him passed out somewhere, sadly that doesnt worry me, but near him or where he's been theres part of a xanax, or maybe powder residue from it on his fingers if hes started crushing it...any of that get is you young childs mouth, say it was on ground, under corner couch, or she sucked on his fingers...what then?

Last edited by cinderellawkids; 01-02-2011 at 04:41 AM. Reason: forgot
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