MyBetterWorld

I agreed to let my A come to my house Christmas Eve.....so he could wake up and be a part of Christmas with our daughters. His mother was also in town, and she generally serves as a good "buffer". My A is essetially homeless, except when I allow him to stay at my house, and now he has made himself at home. He uses the kids as his stranglehold over me. I tell him to leave and he gets them involved by telling my 6 year old that "mommy is kicking me out and I have no money and no place to go" This upsets her greatly.....she actually tried to give him change from her piggy bank once. I told him if he ever involved her again he would never step through my door again.
I am going to have to tell him, once again, to leave. It is going to be ugly, I will wait until the kids are asleep. He honestly feels that because of the girls that he has some right to, basically, sqat in my living room. The smell ( you know the smell-alcohol plus dying tissue) has returned. Last time it took me a week to get rid of the smell. It makes me nauseated. I know that my daughters love him and like having him around-most of the time-but I know deep down that all this is doing is enabling him to keep right on doing what he does best. I become a miserable person to be and be around.
My mom is coming tonight to babysit (that will go over well, since I am sure he hasn't left my couch all day) so that I can go to my first ever AlAnon meeting. This in itself also has me anxious, I live in a very small town and am sure to know many people there.
Does anyone have any advice or a different idea of how to get him out? He literally throws such a tantrum that just the thought of the process makes me exhausted.

wicked

Okay, this might sound harsh, but I had to do it to my oldest son.
I called the police, told them, yes, I did invite him, but now he has to go. He is not on my lease so has no rights to squat in the place I pay for.
Do not fall for the pity party, my opinion (my ex husband did this too) using the children and scaring them because he is unable to take care of himself (a grown man and father who is supposed to be setting examples, not begging) is despicable.
Please get angry, he is using you and your kindness to get his alcoholic way.
Get him away from the children before he hurts them any more.
Tell him to leave quietly or you are calling 911. It sucks. But it is time.
And oh my goodness I remember that awful smell.
I know it is hard because I always wanted to be the good guy the helper, but this will not work, he has to find his bottom. Not even having his daughter offer her piggy bank shamed him?
He has to go. Please find the strength, (I know you have it) and get him out.

Beth

AlAnon could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Please do not be anxious about the meeting, you might see someone you know, but they are hurting and scared just as you are. They are there to help you. You will be walking into a nice warm hug. Give it a chance please.

Thumper

I went to a lawyer and she petitioned the court for temporary use of the family home. She was sure that it would be granted. This would have enabled me to force him out. The police would have escorted him had he refused to go. Long story but I never did it. I ended up agreeing to let him stay (this was before we were divorced) until he found an apartment and it was awful. He did finally go. He said all those things to the kids too If you aren't married then tell him to take a hike or you'll call the police.

I just dug in my heals and said he had to go and listened to (and ignored) his tantrums, blaming, manipulations, and comforted the kids as best I could by reminding them that a) adults have adult problems and I know it is confusing for them but mom and dad can not live in the same house anymore. It is not their fault. There is nothing they can do about it. I assure them that I will make sure they are OK. That dad has alcoholism and sometimes makes poor choices but he can take care of himself. He's a grown up, he's smart, and he *can* figure it out.

The scenario you shared above is exactly what would happen if I'd have let him come to my house this Christmas. He asked multiple times. He asked the kids to ask me - multiple times. Each time the answer was no. It was/is soooo hard. I had crying kids asking me. He actually left from his sisters (he's also homeless right now) and was just going to show up on my doorstep. She called me and I called him and said NO. He can come visit during the day but he can't stay over night, not even one night, or he'll never leave.

Honestly I got mad. Really mad and fed up and that helped me follow through. I'm all about keeping my home my safe area now and so I won't cross the line even one night - even if he was in recovery (which he is not). It is hard on the kids and I don't think they understand but it would be even harder to have him here and then force him out again.

MyBetterWorld

Thank you. Yes, this is MY home, not his. I left with the kids back in September, we are not married. He could not stay in the other place. He was staying with me "until he got on his feet" which still hasn't happened. He is on job #3 since September and this one won't end any differently. I am having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Thumper-how long before he finally left?
Wicked-thank you for the AlAnon pep talk. Actually, I think most of my anxiety lies in the fact that my mom will be coming to stay with the kids, and since I am 101% sure that he will not have left MY HOME on his own, that he will throw a fit that she needs to be there with them.
Thumper, I have considered calling the police, and I suppose that I will if he starts in. It just makes me sick, all of it. I don't recall the day that I gave someone else carte blanche over my life.

TakingCharge999

Please call the DV Winsconsin hotline.... I am not sure if he would get violent when confronted, but better be safe: (you can choose your county).

WCADV

TakingCharge999

To locate services outside of Wisconsin, call the 24 hour national hotline at
1-800-799-SAFE.

wicked

It is amazing when we think we are giving them so much, a place to stay, or shower, or spend time with the kids, it becomes a right they are entitled to.
The sense of entitlement I got from my ex was astounding, I "owed" him.
Really? for supporting you and your habits while you cheated on me?
No, I think not.
But, I had to realize, it was my problem, I had taught him how to treat me.
I had to retrain him.
The police helped alot in that area. He had become a petty criminal after becoming a crack addict.

Yeah, you "owe" me, because you have done it for so long.
Nope, I owe you nothing big boy, time to live life on lifes terms somewhere else.
Stink up your own place. Not mine.

Can your mom handle him? Will she call the cops if he starts acting stupid, which is always just a moment away for a drunk. (and I am in recovery from alcohol myself, so I know how things go). Maybe let your mom know you support whatever she needs to do to protect herself and the kids.

Beth

You are doing good, keep putting one foot in front of the other.

catlovermi

Why continue to wait until he "starts in?"

Give him 30 minutes to be out the door, and say that if he's not, in 30 minutes you dial the police. The more clear the boundary, the less they challenge it, is my experience.

The fact that he's threatening to make a scene in front of the children is emotional hostage taking. Don't fall for it. Tell him if he even starts in that direction, you call the police THAT MINUTE.

CLMI

Thumper

I know that sick feeling

Him leaving that first time was more complicated then it would be now because we were still married, he did rehab, this was our family home, we were going to do some counseling etc. Honestly it is a bit of a haze but I believe it was 4-6 weeks from the time I said we were 100% getting divorced and getting into the apartment he lined up (low income - guess you can just drink yourself silly instead of work and get the government to pay your rent here).

I regret most of it and wish I'd have followed through on the initial court order. Nothing changed while we were under the same roof except it caused extreme turmoil for the kids and I. He was mad and panicky about it and took it out on me. It did not help him get on his feet. Not one bit. It just gave him a free no responsibilities attached place to be for a few more weeks.

If it was today, and he was in my house and I needed him out and he *really* had no where to go, I'd hand him $100 (which is at least two nights in a motel around here) and tell him to leave that very day.

He isn't using the time staying with you to figure anything out or get on his feet. He's just waiting for you to throw him out so why keep him waiting?

JenT1968

If he's going to start a fight because your mom is there, can you tell him to leave now? given that you know he's going to be pissy anyway, get it all over and done with? tell him your mom is coming to babysit the kids and you want him out now, that way you have some support and a witness/someone to keep the kids occupied whilst you tell him. Tell him he's got 10mins to get his stuff together and then you'll call the police? I know you are exhausted, but imagine the peace once he's gone: he's blackmailing you and holding you hostage.

this is pathetic and despicable behaviour on his part, you are not the bad guy for throwing him out, can you imagine doing the same in reverse? squatting in your ex's house against their wishes, using the kids to blackmail them? he is the bad guy here.

RollTide

I guess this falls under the "let no good deed go unpunished" category. Sorry you're having to go through this. Maybe get Mom to take the kids out for pizza while the police remove him and you go to your AlAnon meeting.

My meeting is tonight also. I hope you get as much from AlAnon as I have.

Bucyn

Send the kids to Denny's with mom for dinner, then call the police to remove him. You can tell him before you call, that he has 5 minutes to leave the premises or you are calling the police. You can even go outside and call the police from the corner so he doesn't hurt you while you are calling or waiting for them.

Never let him spend another minute in your house.

I learned the hard way. I had to have the police remove my first XAH. Then I moved into a condo, chosen partly because it was close to the police station. I never let him in, ever. But one day he pushed his way in and I called the police to remove him again. When they got there he said this was his house too, and he produced a driver's license with my address on it. The police wouldn't remove him because it was suddenly his legal residence--just because the immoral, evil a-hole had put my address on his driver's license. I challenged him to tell what color the upstairs was painted, he'd never been up there so didn't know. But it still didn't matter. I had the mortgage to how only I owned the house. Still didn't matter.

They removed him for domestic abuse since he'd kicked in the door to get in. Then I had to spend money I didn't have to get a court order keeping him out.

Never let these A's in.

wicked

Of course, that is the best idea.
Have mom take them to get dinner, give him ten minutes and call the cops.
good, that is an excellent plan and leaves your mom and the kids out of it.
wow, lots of good help here.

Keep reading, keep stepping.

Beth

Thumper

This is an excellent idea. The kids are out with grandma and you can go grab yourself some support after he is gone.

You deserve your hard earned home. A haven for you and your kids. No one has to give their house over to anyone else. It is yours. Your safe place. He has no right to take that from you, you don't have to give it to him, and the fact that he uses the kids as a manipulation tool makes me so mad on their behalf. He doesn't deserve their curb much less their house if he is willing to use them up like that.

fourmaggie

please keep us posted....and we will all wonder how you are...never ever be afraid to call the police...

trapeze

Saying a prayer for you tonight. Good luck!

MyBetterWorld

I went to my first meeting last night......not the best night for a first meeting. It is a group of 8, and due to holidays and sickness, there were only 2 there. It was still good, I will keep going and give it a try at least for a while. One woman said something...I am not sure if it was encouraging or discouraging. She has been attending AlAnon for 22 years and said she will never graduate. She had an A father, husband and now 2 A daughters. I can't even imagine all that she has endured. The only problem that I think I have with that program though, is that they almost seem to encourage sticking by the alcoholic. I am way passed that. I think all of my patience, forgiveness and compassion is used up. I told him that I wanted him to leave. It appears as though he will do that on his own, no police needed. We shall see. Otherwise, it will be another day, when I can get my mom over and follow all of your awesome, wonderful advice. Thank you so much to all of you. I know now that I am not crazy, not normal, and not alone. This is quite a group of people. I wish I could just have you as my posse, all day every day!
M

barb dwyer

Try not to let yourself get sucked into that trap, hon.

We tend to try to only be in ... today.

Let twenty two years take care of iself.

Today - youv'e a skwatter on the couch to get rid of.

That's where the world is centered.
Twenty two years ... heck with that.

Just today.

Get your couch back first.

Phoenixthebird

MyBetterWorld, I hope and pray that your A will leave your home on his own accord. Otherwise, heed Bucyn's post. I, also, had to learn the hard way it's not that easy to have someone evicted from your own house. I learned the hard way that I needed to file paperwork with the Constable's office, go to court, have the judge approve the eviction notice, and then they are allowed 30 days to leave your house.

"The only problem that I think I have with that program though, is that they almost seem to encourage sticking by the alcoholic." Al-Anon is a tool to help support you through your life as a codependent. It's like any other support group, you find each member will have a different persceptive based upon their own unique life experiences. That's why we always say "take what you like, and leave the rest". Al-Anon members try to provide support through sharing our own experiences with you, in a non-judgmental way.

"One woman said something...I am not sure if it was encouraging or discouraging. She has been attending AlAnon for 22 years and said she will never graduate." Just like I believe an alcoholic is always an alcoholic......once a codependent--always a codependent!

I'm right with you when you wrote "I am way passed that. I think all of my patience, forgiveness and compassion is used up." :ghug3

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. ~John Powell

If a mistake is not a stepping stone, it is a mistake. ~Eli Siegel

Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom. ~Phyllis Theroux, Night Lights

Making mistakes simply means you are learning faster. ~Weston H. Agor

The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. ~Edward Phelps

If you shut your door to all errors truth will be shut out. ~Rabindranath Tagore, Stray Birds, 1916

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. ~Elbert Hubbard, The Note Book, 1927

Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. ~Sophia Loren

Just because you make mistakes doesn't mean you are one. ~Author Unknown

MyBetterWorld

He has left on his own. That is good news for now, until he tries to come back-which is inevitable. Thanks to the wonderful people on this site, I have the tools now to better deal with that when it happens. I was relieved that he did go on his own. The last thing I wanted was any more drama, especially for my daughters. For now I am just enjoying the calm, and wondering how long it will last. I will keep you all posted and thank you again so much. Just being able to get this all out there, and have people understand and offer encouragement and advice has made all the difference for me! I hope everyone has a safe and peaceful New Year.......Hugs to you all!
M