Foreverchanged

Going crazy... second guessing myself and judgement
I'm sitting here debating in my head if my ex really does have an addiction problem. Im thinking maybe it's just an excuse. I never during our whole relationship caught him doing anything. Can he really be that good at hiding it or am I really that stupid. I have never been exposed to someone who has done drugs except smoke pot. He left me when I was 3 months pregnant. We were together a few years and he always wanted to have kids. He begged me to have our daughter when I was contemplating whether to go foward with the pregnancy. Before he left our relationship changed. He started being sneaky, quit both his jobs, hid money from me, stopped helping around the house, stayed out til morning sometimes and was always physically sick (he lost so much weight, looked pale, hacked up all the time etc..) but I didn't really believe it even after his friend who I thought did drugs said he was staying with a girl we knew (who he had always said was a drug addict) and was smoking meth. All the friends we knew ended up telling me he was using He denied it. Even when I saw him after he left he looked normal even ate meals in front of me. He still denied his drug use. I did notice on our phone bill he would be texting or making phone calls til 6 am to some guy he knew. But thought maybe he just was the type of person to stay up late.

After he got arrested for a past DUI he never took care I went to go see him in jail of he admitted to me that he was using and he was too high to care about anything. I also saw the girl he was staying with visiting him too. While in jail he said he was going to stop and wanted to be a family. Then one day he would say we were different people and I never paid attention to him blah blah blah. He kept going back and forth. It was like he was still using. I told him he needs to go to rehab, couseling, get a job and place before I considered letting him see our daughter and getting back together.

Long story short day he was released he told his sister and I he was going to rehab. Last words were I love you and we didn't hear from him until 2 months later. He even missed our daughters birth. In addition the girl he is now with he claimed does drugs is telling me neither one of them do. Although I heard from numerous people she does. What confuses me is that she seems to be able to function. She doesn't have a job but somehow is able to have a car and money.

I have receieved one call from him when she was 3 weeks saying he's in rehab" for real" this time and wants to see his daughter. He isn't there anymore and I haven't heard from him since. I know he's living with the same girl he said he started using with. Everybody including his own family is suprised that he hasn't attempted to try to see our daughter. They haven't talked to him either.

I guess I'm wondering if he made up doing drugs so he could get our of our relationship? As far as I knew we were happy until he started changing his behaivor. We lived together 2years and I thought I knew him. It seems him and his new gf both mantain a pretty normal life.They both live with her mom who doesn't thnk either one of them do drugs. I don't know how someone who uses can look and act "normal". Is it possible to use drugs and still function? I wonder does he use recreationally and just doesn't want the responsibility of havng a child? Maybe he wanted a partying lifestyle and since I work a 9-5 job and didn't agree with that he knew he couldn't stay with me and would be able to party. Maybe he's justan immature a-hole. Reason why I'm wondering is he says he's getting his life together and wants to see his daughter If he does should I demand supervised visits? How would I go about that if all I have to go by is a gut feeling and people who have told me. I just want to be prepared.

sailorjohn

Yeah, he really is an addict. Really.

laurie6781

Yep he really is an addict. Sorry.

Please read this 'sticky':

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Please feel free to post here any time you need to, want to, have to rant, have to cry, ...................... there is lots of GREAT ES&H (Experience, Strength and Hope) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are.

Love and hugs,

Barbiebg32

Definitely sounds like an addict to me. My friend is going through this. She takes her ex to court a lot when she suspects him of using drugs she request a drug test to the judge. In her case when he fails his visitations become supervised for a period of time.

tjp613

Please tell me he is responsible for paying child support.

keepinon

Yes there are functioning addicts..it is a progressive disease though and functioning over time can decline..a DUI and jail time for not taking care of it isn't very functioning in my book.

sofacat

"Can he really be that good at hiding it?"

No, not really. You're gut is telling you he's using...it's what led you here. Trust it.

He's an addict.

Foreverchanged

The girl he is staying with now is so convincing that they both don't do drugs. She text me more than once going on and on giving me every reason why their is no way they're both not. At first when she contacted me she made it seem like she didn't know we were together. Even though I met her a few times and she came to my place to hang out. So I was pretty open with her. I had asked her a fee questions. The reason why he stays up all night is she's in marketing and he keeps the same hours as her, the reason why he is losing weight because of anxiety, she can't be a "druggie" she says she isn't losing weight and doesn't "look" like one, the reason everybody tells me they are because they are the "druggies" and have nothing better to do. She tells me she graduated at a prestigious school and her parents wouldn't put up with that etc... She doesn't know why my ex would say that. I shouldn't believe him.I told her to stop wasting my time with her lies and she hasn't bothered me since.

Why I would listen to her I don't know. Guess cause he has lied so much I don't know what to believe. I was just looking for answers. She even went as far to say that "he wants to be civil and work together and not be in fear of being forced to abandon the life he wants to build with her". This is in regards to me saying he can't be around his daughter if she's around since she's a drug addict. He has to have supervised visits

Tip613,
I'm in the process of filing for child support now. He doesn't have a job right now that I know of. He sells stuff on eBay but everything is under this girls name. He's on parole not sure if they make him get a job.

Foreverchanged

And I do know he's an a-hole. Im just not sure how much his addiction if any has to do with that. He's a different person then I knew. Everything started to change at one point was second guessing is it this girl, the drugs or both?

tjp613

1) Until there's a court order specifying custody and visitation arrangements, YOU get to decide how/when/if he gets to see your daughter.
2) I believe most courts will order child support in some amount no matter what the employment status is. If he's selling "stuff" on ebay, then he has an income. Your child is entitled to 25% of that at the very least. If he doesn't pay the support then it just keeps racking up...along with interest and the threat of incarceration...until he does.
3) Talk to your lawyer about the need for drug testing before any orders for visitation are arranged.
4) START KEEPING A RECORD of your 'suspicions'. Write down why you think he's using, why you think his GF is using, who told you what and when they told you. Write down any and all suspicious behaviors, requests to see the child and why they were denied, broken dates to see the child, etc. Record every contact you have with him, good or bad, so that the judges will see that you are diligently trying to determine what is best for your child.

Does that make sense?

Foreverchanged

Yes makes perfect sense. I have everything written down. I have letters, emails from me and even have a few texts from his friends. I was a little worried because his gf did mention that everything I've heard about both their drug use is just hearsay and since I didn't have proof nothing will stand up in court though he admitted to me and his family. All I have is him admitting to me verbally. So basically it's his word over mine.

Foreverchanged

thanks for the advice tpj613. And thanks for the
replies everybody. In my gut and heart I know he's an addict. It's just hard when someone makes it seem I'm acting irational and unreasonable because he's now with somebody else. It's driving me insane.

tjp613

That may be true, but look at it this way.

Court Scenario #1: "Your Honor, I've heard that he uses drugs."

Court Scenario #2: "Your Honor, I have been keeping records. In this notebook I have outlined the many times that others have told me of his drug use. You'll see here that on November 21, 2010 that John Smith told me he and his girlfriend have done oxycontin on many occasions. On December 3, Jennifer Lopez told me that she has seen them smoking crack on 4 occasions. On December 4 he called me at 10:43 a.m. and he was clearly intoxicated or otherwise on drugs. He was slurring and incoherent. He requested to come by to see our daughter at 2:00p but he never showed up. When I called him at 4:30p he answered the phone and in the background I clearly heard what sounded like a noises you would hear in a game room. He said he didn't remember our appointment. Your Honor, this diary has 42 entries where I've kept a record of every contact we've made and the circumstances around each and I did so because I am very much afraid for my daughter's safety should she be placed in his care without supervision. Although I have never personally seen him doing drugs, he has admitted to me (on May 13, 2010) and to his mother (on May 15, 2010) that he was using."

Etc., etc., etc. See the difference? The judge may not even be interested in "proving" that he does drugs. But the fact that you were concerned enough to keep such diligent records will speak volumes....at least enough where he will be inclined to order periodic drug testing and/or supervised visitation. It sure couldn't hurt!

Foreverchanged

Yes I see the difference. Because I never saw him or should I say caught him doing it I have kept records of our conversations and kept all written correspondence with him and his gf. He always changes his stories so it's hard to keep up unless I write it down. I may not have to "prove" anything but I know it doesn't hurt to have it. Thank you for your helpful information.