Not ready or willing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Great White North
Posts: 212
Not ready or willing
hey all...hope everyone had a good xmas.
ive read lots of posts here of ppl who are forever relapsing (myself included) and have seen lots of replies about unless you are truly ready or accepted you cant drink again you will. i guess im in that boat...
no matter how hard i try at the time a day or two, i get it in my mind 'F' this. i want to drink so i will. i hate it, but it is what i do.
i did not survive xmas this year. have been drinking for the last 3 day, even now as i watch the movie "my name is bill w" how twisted is that?
i feel like dr jekly and mr hyde. i hate it, but i get to the point where i just dont care...cue rant number whatever it is im on now.
i come here all full of **** and vinigar about not drinking..then i come here like now..all sour.
dont even know why im posting anymore. everytime i do, it seems to be a lie.
Vanilla.
ive read lots of posts here of ppl who are forever relapsing (myself included) and have seen lots of replies about unless you are truly ready or accepted you cant drink again you will. i guess im in that boat...
no matter how hard i try at the time a day or two, i get it in my mind 'F' this. i want to drink so i will. i hate it, but it is what i do.
i did not survive xmas this year. have been drinking for the last 3 day, even now as i watch the movie "my name is bill w" how twisted is that?
i feel like dr jekly and mr hyde. i hate it, but i get to the point where i just dont care...cue rant number whatever it is im on now.
i come here all full of **** and vinigar about not drinking..then i come here like now..all sour.
dont even know why im posting anymore. everytime i do, it seems to be a lie.
Vanilla.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 279
It's not a lie. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to quit. I have wanted to quit for SO long. But this is the first time I have been really serious. Once you have that first drink, your judgement is clouded, and that voice comes out that tells you "this is just how it's gonna be". I've struggled with that as well. Give yourself a few days sober and see how your perspective changes.
Please don't stop posting or reading. Best of luck to you.
Please don't stop posting or reading. Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Louisville, Ky.
Posts: 58
Hey Vanilla,
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. As the self proclaimed "King of Relapse" I understand how discouraging this can be. Try to pull yourself together and make a new beginning. I'm thinking right now about something I was told - that recovery isn't just not drinking and/or going to meetings. It's about a PROGRAM that leads to a real sobriety that can last, even when the going gets tough. It looks like they might have been right. Who knew?
Patman
Day 17
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. As the self proclaimed "King of Relapse" I understand how discouraging this can be. Try to pull yourself together and make a new beginning. I'm thinking right now about something I was told - that recovery isn't just not drinking and/or going to meetings. It's about a PROGRAM that leads to a real sobriety that can last, even when the going gets tough. It looks like they might have been right. Who knew?
Patman
Day 17
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
I don't know what to say Vanilla. You have reasons for wanting to quit right? A lot of people have been able to, and those people are not better than you. What do you have for a support system? Anything besides SR? For some SR is enough, for others they need more. AA, counseling...something.
I wish you the best. You can do this if you decide and commit to. You have one of the coolest Avatars SR has ever seen. Good luck.
I wish you the best. You can do this if you decide and commit to. You have one of the coolest Avatars SR has ever seen. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
If you want to quit, then you need to learn how to live through the "F*#k It" moments. I never met a recovering alcoholic who didn't have these moments.
Recovery is hard. If it was easy, then many more alcoholics/addicts wouldn't be picking up, living below their potential, ruining their lives, killing themselves, and shitting on others during their self destructive processes.
I wish you the best and hope you find what you need. Again, if you are serious about recovery, then I would suggest that you learn some skills on how to cope with those "F*#k It" moments because they will surely occur again.
Ask other recovery alcoholics on how they do it and build a support group, possibly outside of SR.
Bests,
Recovery is hard. If it was easy, then many more alcoholics/addicts wouldn't be picking up, living below their potential, ruining their lives, killing themselves, and shitting on others during their self destructive processes.
I wish you the best and hope you find what you need. Again, if you are serious about recovery, then I would suggest that you learn some skills on how to cope with those "F*#k It" moments because they will surely occur again.
Ask other recovery alcoholics on how they do it and build a support group, possibly outside of SR.
Bests,
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
I really think it comes down to support - and being willing to do whatever it takes, Vanilla.
It's really easy to grab a beer...it's a lot harder to do something else and not drink.
I said I wanted to quit for several years before I did - I could have seen a Dr or a counsellor, I could have joined AA or some other group, I could have gone to rehab, or I could have signed up here or at some other forum...but I didn't. I just kept on drinking.
I wanted to keep drinking but not be a drunk.
Thats kinda like wanting to live but not breathe.
I wasted a lot of years on that impossible premise.
Don't be like me.
I hope you decide to accept your reality. This thing gets worse - much worse.
D
It's really easy to grab a beer...it's a lot harder to do something else and not drink.
I said I wanted to quit for several years before I did - I could have seen a Dr or a counsellor, I could have joined AA or some other group, I could have gone to rehab, or I could have signed up here or at some other forum...but I didn't. I just kept on drinking.
I wanted to keep drinking but not be a drunk.
Thats kinda like wanting to live but not breathe.
I wasted a lot of years on that impossible premise.
Don't be like me.
I hope you decide to accept your reality. This thing gets worse - much worse.
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I sure hope you quit again quikly
when I began working my AA Steps...I felt a shift
from often shakey sobriety into solid recovery.
That has been true for many people I know from AA...
when I began working my AA Steps...I felt a shift
from often shakey sobriety into solid recovery.
That has been true for many people I know from AA...
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
The last couple years I spent drinking I promised myself each morning to quit and say F-it by late afternoon. Some days I didn't even last that long.
Living in that battle zone is the worst. I suspected that the only future for me was to die with this disease. Yet part of me really didn't want to go through the process of getting there (you know, the damage we do to everything - our minds, our bodies, our souls, and the lives of everyone around us). I didn't want to stop, but I didn't want that kind of future either.
If someone had told me that it would only take 6 months (or even a year) and I would have peace of mind, purpose and an obsession-free life (not to mention hangover-free mornings), I would have told them they're crazy. But I also would have jumped at the chance. (in fact, that's exactly what happened). Now I have to do the same thing with cigarettes and I'm dreading it, but I know it has to be done.
I know you think you don't care right now (which is the alcohol talking), but think about where you'll be a year from now, or 5 or 10 years from now if you don't stop. There are people/programs to help you when you can't help yourself and I hope you find something that works for you soon.
We're all here rooting for you - don't give up on yourself.:ghug3
Living in that battle zone is the worst. I suspected that the only future for me was to die with this disease. Yet part of me really didn't want to go through the process of getting there (you know, the damage we do to everything - our minds, our bodies, our souls, and the lives of everyone around us). I didn't want to stop, but I didn't want that kind of future either.
If someone had told me that it would only take 6 months (or even a year) and I would have peace of mind, purpose and an obsession-free life (not to mention hangover-free mornings), I would have told them they're crazy. But I also would have jumped at the chance. (in fact, that's exactly what happened). Now I have to do the same thing with cigarettes and I'm dreading it, but I know it has to be done.
I know you think you don't care right now (which is the alcohol talking), but think about where you'll be a year from now, or 5 or 10 years from now if you don't stop. There are people/programs to help you when you can't help yourself and I hope you find something that works for you soon.
We're all here rooting for you - don't give up on yourself.:ghug3
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,774
I was a chronic relapser for nearly two years. I finally had enough and quit for good over a year ago. 
I can't describe the feeling of freedom I now have. I'm now a non drinker - I no longer want to drink.
I hope you can soon find yourself a 'non drinker'. It's worth it.
I can't describe the feeling of freedom I now have. I'm now a non drinker - I no longer want to drink.I hope you can soon find yourself a 'non drinker'. It's worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Vanilla I too was the habitual relapser. I wasn't part of SR or any support plan those last few years but I almost on a daily basis would say today is my day - I will not drink. Somewheres along the day maybe even a week or more I wouldn't drink and then wham....right back it.
Folks here only know I relapsed 1x and that is because I finally put effort - meaning support into it but I didn't stay the course. I stopped making change, stopped SR, no face to face support and well I got to a few months before I was right back at that bottle. All the other times prior to aren't documented here because I wasn't here....get what I am saying? I know the road man....spent a long time on it.
What got me to where I am now? Support!! 100% focus on me, recovery and learning how to live life positively and loving it and learning to love me again. I found getting face to face support was the missing piece because I had many underlying issues that wouldn't be helped nor would my drinking if I just pushed the booze aside and hoped for the best or dare I say used sheer will power.
Believe me.....the hardest part of my entire journey was accepting what I am and realizing that I needed to change my life and that is where I needed guidance. I had to relearn and still am working through this beautiful thing called life.
You can do this as anyone can who is struggling with addiction but the key is to commit yourself to recovery and be willing to do the work.
Routing for you here and I can't express enough how good it feels to be in control of my life and be able to choose how I will handle lifes ups and downs.
Give support a chance.....you have it in you to close the door to drinking and embrace a new sober life.
Folks here only know I relapsed 1x and that is because I finally put effort - meaning support into it but I didn't stay the course. I stopped making change, stopped SR, no face to face support and well I got to a few months before I was right back at that bottle. All the other times prior to aren't documented here because I wasn't here....get what I am saying? I know the road man....spent a long time on it.
What got me to where I am now? Support!! 100% focus on me, recovery and learning how to live life positively and loving it and learning to love me again. I found getting face to face support was the missing piece because I had many underlying issues that wouldn't be helped nor would my drinking if I just pushed the booze aside and hoped for the best or dare I say used sheer will power.
Believe me.....the hardest part of my entire journey was accepting what I am and realizing that I needed to change my life and that is where I needed guidance. I had to relearn and still am working through this beautiful thing called life.
You can do this as anyone can who is struggling with addiction but the key is to commit yourself to recovery and be willing to do the work.
Routing for you here and I can't express enough how good it feels to be in control of my life and be able to choose how I will handle lifes ups and downs.
Give support a chance.....you have it in you to close the door to drinking and embrace a new sober life.
Eating protein and life.
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by Vanilla28 
i get it in my mind 'F' this.
1. The Phucketts always arrive unannounced and at what seems to be the worst possible time.
2. The Phucketts would find a way to eat me out of house and home - I'd wake up and food containers/wrappers would be everywhere.
3. I'd read my credit card bill or my bank statement and somehow things were purchased that shouldn't have been and whose name was on the bill? Mr. Isaid Phuckett, that's who!
4. Sometimes I would have to call in sick to work just to take care of myself because I chose to take care of The Phucketts the night prior and now I was exhausted.
5. The Phucketts would pick up my phone and tell people that I love off. It wouldn't help when I would try to explain that it was The Phucketts and not me who called.
6. The Phucketts always assured me that this would be the last time they would come over if they just let me come over that night. They said the same thing the next night, and the next night...
7. I would have the worst time sleeping because The Phucketts made me feel guilty as well as drink too much.
8. The Phucketts took up so much of my time that I never had time to do the things that I wanted to do or should have done.
I could go on and on about this miserable phamily. The sad part is, the more often you let The Phucketts come over the worse it gets...and don't get me started about their cousin, Julio Givesaschit.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Don't take that first drink 'just for today' and you won't end up in this situation again. Then you can start working a recovery program so that the thought of drinking seems pointless and alien. Recovery takes time and work and can be hard at times but that's why the results are so great. Picking up a drink is the easy option and takes no effort and consequently brings nothing but pain and sorrow.
Keep doing the same things, keep getting the same results...
All The Best
Keep doing the same things, keep getting the same results...
All The Best
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Vanilla,
I think it's important to make changes in your life, besides stopping drinking. Drinking is the symptom, and you need to begin to deal with the underlying issues in order to recover. Make a small change in your daily routine, and you will find it has a ripple effect.
I think it's important to make changes in your life, besides stopping drinking. Drinking is the symptom, and you need to begin to deal with the underlying issues in order to recover. Make a small change in your daily routine, and you will find it has a ripple effect.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Well Vanilla, nothing you said really is all that shocking. It's the same conclusion every recovered alcoholic I know discovered for themselves too - that they wanted to stop but didn't want to stop, they could stop but couldn't stay stopped, and......over time.......they begin to run out of ideas of what to do next because so far, nothing has worked.
Some alcoholics still have a choice...they can set their mind to it and just STOP. They can set up workout regimes, dietary changes, read some books or watch some movies, maybe do a stint in rehab.....but, at the end of the day, they can keep themselves sober.
Many other alcoholics have gone beyond that point. I mean, they'll do all that stuff listed above but it has no lasting effect. Some folks spend many years in this phase - the "eliminating alternatives" phase. What alternatives, you wonder? Alternatives to the spiritual solution that's guaranteed to work in AA. For some odd reason, we just don't (myself included) "want" to get sober that way. So......we spend as much time as we need eliminating alternatives until we're left with one glaring reality: for some of us, we no longer have the ability to contain our alcoholism. That's the group I fell into....so I tucked my tail, swallowed some pride, and started working the AA program because nothing else worked. And, like they told me, I got that "spiritual experience" I had been promised, life got a whole lot better for the first time in many many decades, and the compulsion to drink left me. Now, I get my kicks helping other ppl get the same thing for themselves.
So really.....you have some options to consider: keep drinking and die the alcoholic's death (which includes suicide), find the right combination of support, self-will, knowledge, etc...... or hit AA and work the spiritual solution route. Anyone.....ANYONE who's willing to work the 12-steps to the best of their ability can get "recovered" in AA...it's guaranteed. And, I suppose, anyone who continues to drink alcoholically can get that guaranteed alcoholic death.
For me, I just got sick and tired of the constant failures that always went with me looking for a fix OTHER than AA.
Some alcoholics still have a choice...they can set their mind to it and just STOP. They can set up workout regimes, dietary changes, read some books or watch some movies, maybe do a stint in rehab.....but, at the end of the day, they can keep themselves sober.
Many other alcoholics have gone beyond that point. I mean, they'll do all that stuff listed above but it has no lasting effect. Some folks spend many years in this phase - the "eliminating alternatives" phase. What alternatives, you wonder? Alternatives to the spiritual solution that's guaranteed to work in AA. For some odd reason, we just don't (myself included) "want" to get sober that way. So......we spend as much time as we need eliminating alternatives until we're left with one glaring reality: for some of us, we no longer have the ability to contain our alcoholism. That's the group I fell into....so I tucked my tail, swallowed some pride, and started working the AA program because nothing else worked. And, like they told me, I got that "spiritual experience" I had been promised, life got a whole lot better for the first time in many many decades, and the compulsion to drink left me. Now, I get my kicks helping other ppl get the same thing for themselves.
So really.....you have some options to consider: keep drinking and die the alcoholic's death (which includes suicide), find the right combination of support, self-will, knowledge, etc...... or hit AA and work the spiritual solution route. Anyone.....ANYONE who's willing to work the 12-steps to the best of their ability can get "recovered" in AA...it's guaranteed. And, I suppose, anyone who continues to drink alcoholically can get that guaranteed alcoholic death.
For me, I just got sick and tired of the constant failures that always went with me looking for a fix OTHER than AA.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Hi Vanilla;
I would hope you consider Anna's sound advice and maybe want to disregard the *preaching*....for me I decided i had enough and wanted to feel BETTER, mentally and physically....drinking made me feel WORSE...so the hard part was how much was feeling better worth to me.
it is a relief to wake up sober and know that I have banned the Phuckitts from my house too.
just take it ODAAT and try to not drink today.
I would hope you consider Anna's sound advice and maybe want to disregard the *preaching*....for me I decided i had enough and wanted to feel BETTER, mentally and physically....drinking made me feel WORSE...so the hard part was how much was feeling better worth to me.
it is a relief to wake up sober and know that I have banned the Phuckitts from my house too.
just take it ODAAT and try to not drink today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Vanilla, one of the most important parts of keeping my life together is reading and posting on the gratitude threads, both day and evening. it is a way of counting my blessings and making me realize how fortunate I am...(not perfect, but fortunate).
i don't want to damage myself with booze after reading through the posts each day, people are supportive and very kind. we appreciate everyones struggles.
i don't want to damage myself with booze after reading through the posts each day, people are supportive and very kind. we appreciate everyones struggles.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,774
I'm with Fandy on the blessings of counting my blessings. I was sober a month or two or three but was still miserable. So I made a conscious effort to give thanks each day, for at least one thing. I forced myself to do it until it became a habit. And it helped me a lot. I found the more I was grateful, the more I found to be grateful for. And the more grateful I was, the less I wanted to drink.
I've heard it said that a grateful alcoholic wont' drink... and it's certainly true for me. Why not give it a try? All you've got to lose is your misery and your addiction.
I was sober a month or two or three but was still miserable. So I made a conscious effort to give thanks each day, for at least one thing. I forced myself to do it until it became a habit. And it helped me a lot. I found the more I was grateful, the more I found to be grateful for. And the more grateful I was, the less I wanted to drink.I've heard it said that a grateful alcoholic wont' drink... and it's certainly true for me.
Why not give it a try? All you've got to lose is your misery and your addiction. Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
It's all good Vanilla. IMO, you just haven't found a program / approach that is working for you. When I tried to quit on my own (probably 40 times) I was always he11 bent on making it. I had resolutions in my head, a list of why not to drink, negative consequences that proved to me drinking was bad, and I often did well for a few days. Every single time something would happen and the obession for the first drink would always reappear. I remember "caving" due to great work performance, bad work performance, good times with my family, bad times, good round of golf, bad round of golf, I think you see where this is going.
The reason that I drank, is because THAT IS ALL I KNEW. I couldn't quit on my own ideas / will power. For me, I had to surrender. I had to look for a higher power to turn to and ask that HP to take over. I'm not perfect by any means, but as long as I get out of myself I have been protected. Also, like people say, "nothing changes if nothing changes"... I have tried to do many different things to fight off the thought of the first drink. That means praying to my HP, doing for others first, going against my feelings - doing things I don't want to do but I know that are good for me.
We are what we do. I can "think" about quitting all day long but if I am not active in working for it, I'm doomed.
We can all get better. It takes work. I try and devote at least a quarter of my time for recovery that I did drinking. Sounds easy enough right. I was consumed with drinking for so many years. I was either thinking of drinking, not drinking, getting better from a hangover, planning my drinking, etc.... Now I try and work my program, work with others, engage with other people, and do the next right thing. Rarely do I think "Man, I can't have a drink today"... I just try and do other things and the thought will not even be there.
I hope this makes sense. I know exactly where you are coming from. Best of luck to you. We can all get better!!!
The reason that I drank, is because THAT IS ALL I KNEW. I couldn't quit on my own ideas / will power. For me, I had to surrender. I had to look for a higher power to turn to and ask that HP to take over. I'm not perfect by any means, but as long as I get out of myself I have been protected. Also, like people say, "nothing changes if nothing changes"... I have tried to do many different things to fight off the thought of the first drink. That means praying to my HP, doing for others first, going against my feelings - doing things I don't want to do but I know that are good for me.
We are what we do. I can "think" about quitting all day long but if I am not active in working for it, I'm doomed.
We can all get better. It takes work. I try and devote at least a quarter of my time for recovery that I did drinking. Sounds easy enough right. I was consumed with drinking for so many years. I was either thinking of drinking, not drinking, getting better from a hangover, planning my drinking, etc.... Now I try and work my program, work with others, engage with other people, and do the next right thing. Rarely do I think "Man, I can't have a drink today"... I just try and do other things and the thought will not even be there.
I hope this makes sense. I know exactly where you are coming from. Best of luck to you. We can all get better!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I'm like Kim in that I failed for 4 years to get sober prior to coming to SR...I joined here a few days sober and have been here ever since. I used to think I wasnone of those people who simply could not get sober...I am now close to 6 months and not only is sobriety wonderful but I am thriving. The Phuckitts have called once or twice to see if they could come over but I hung up on them and changed my phone number
Anna's suggestion about change was one of the best pieces of advice I got in early recovery ....I didn't know how to live without my daily 2 liters of wine so I had to change my life...one small step at a time.
As I got further into sobriety and was less at loose ends I also found the " attitude of gratitude " that least and Fandy talk about became my next essential tool...not just in keeping sober but in loving life and being happy.
SR has given me the tools and support to get sober. If a wretch like me can get sober anyone can.
Hugs and prayers,
LaFemme
Anna's suggestion about change was one of the best pieces of advice I got in early recovery ....I didn't know how to live without my daily 2 liters of wine so I had to change my life...one small step at a time.
As I got further into sobriety and was less at loose ends I also found the " attitude of gratitude " that least and Fandy talk about became my next essential tool...not just in keeping sober but in loving life and being happy.
SR has given me the tools and support to get sober. If a wretch like me can get sober anyone can.
Hugs and prayers,
LaFemme
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