why didnt he tell me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: atlanta georgia
Posts: 3
why didnt he tell me?
Hey everyone, I am new to this! But I am hoping someone can shed some light on my situation.
My husband is a recovering alcoholic(15 years prior to me). I have known that he was addicted to lortab. About a year ago I told him there was no way "we" ( how it ever got to a "we" I dont know cause I dont use) could afford his habit and did he want to go to inpatient treatment like he did for alcohol, he said no. He asked me to help him find outpatient program...after talking with a friend, she said find a dr that would rx suboxone. I found one (I am thinking this short term to taper off). However, he started abusing them. And the dr increased the rx to 2 per day. In the last few months he is taking more than he was suppose to.
Now keep this in mind...for the last 6 months we have been arguing alot! About money and that I should think and feel like he did. So several times he has moved out. Only to stay gone for about 5-7 days each time. He had been moved out for 3 days when he came by wanted to talk to see if I had changed the way I thought about a situation regarding money. Of course I told him in fact I had not. He decided to stay...wanted to talk to the point that it got too late for him to leave. So when I got up the next day, I told him I had a dr appt and asked what he was gonna do today, and he said going to get my clothes. I asked him your going to get some of your clothes and he said yes. As I was leaving he asked was there anything that I needed him to do and I said no. He then said be careful, I love you. I said love you too. I got home and he wasnt there. After about 1 hour I got text saying "are you at the house yet?" I replied "yes, do you need something"? And waited for a response...after 30 mins I called his phone and he had turned it off. Well he had dropped off of Earth. I figured out 4 days later from his ex-wife that he was in rehab. She in fact had taken him (she was married to him when he did rehab the first time and she is a counselor at a methadone clinic..imagine that). I figured out where he was and tried to reach him...except he had not put me on the "list" but he did the ex..maybe because they have 2 kids together.
Well after 10 days of being gone just getting out of detox....I saw him in his truck and pulled over to wait on him to come back, he didnt. So I thought ok, he didnt see me I will go to his house first to see if he went there. When I pulled up he took off and I turned around and followed him about 2 blocks. I thought to myself why are you "chasing" him, he must not want to see you!
It has been 20 days now and I have heard not one word from him. He has called his kids, but not me. Not even yesterday to say Merry Christmas. I am soooo hurt and confused. Why do me this way...I dont feel like I was an enabler! But where is his frame of mind, how and why would he do this to me? What did I do to deserve this, all I have ever done is be there for him?! I am trying to understand why? I have no idea what his plans are when he gets out. I feel like my life is on hold and I know nothing for sure. I am now questioning did he ever really love me? Or was he with me because I was self supporting and he had access to my money when we got together. (we have been together almost 3 yrs).
Has anyone ever experienced this or anything like this? If so, please tell me what the end result was...what was the reason for doing this? I know it could be different for every addict, but just looking for any good reason to hurt me like this.
Sorry to ramble...thanks for taking the time to read this and any replies would be very appreciated!
My husband is a recovering alcoholic(15 years prior to me). I have known that he was addicted to lortab. About a year ago I told him there was no way "we" ( how it ever got to a "we" I dont know cause I dont use) could afford his habit and did he want to go to inpatient treatment like he did for alcohol, he said no. He asked me to help him find outpatient program...after talking with a friend, she said find a dr that would rx suboxone. I found one (I am thinking this short term to taper off). However, he started abusing them. And the dr increased the rx to 2 per day. In the last few months he is taking more than he was suppose to.
Now keep this in mind...for the last 6 months we have been arguing alot! About money and that I should think and feel like he did. So several times he has moved out. Only to stay gone for about 5-7 days each time. He had been moved out for 3 days when he came by wanted to talk to see if I had changed the way I thought about a situation regarding money. Of course I told him in fact I had not. He decided to stay...wanted to talk to the point that it got too late for him to leave. So when I got up the next day, I told him I had a dr appt and asked what he was gonna do today, and he said going to get my clothes. I asked him your going to get some of your clothes and he said yes. As I was leaving he asked was there anything that I needed him to do and I said no. He then said be careful, I love you. I said love you too. I got home and he wasnt there. After about 1 hour I got text saying "are you at the house yet?" I replied "yes, do you need something"? And waited for a response...after 30 mins I called his phone and he had turned it off. Well he had dropped off of Earth. I figured out 4 days later from his ex-wife that he was in rehab. She in fact had taken him (she was married to him when he did rehab the first time and she is a counselor at a methadone clinic..imagine that). I figured out where he was and tried to reach him...except he had not put me on the "list" but he did the ex..maybe because they have 2 kids together.
Well after 10 days of being gone just getting out of detox....I saw him in his truck and pulled over to wait on him to come back, he didnt. So I thought ok, he didnt see me I will go to his house first to see if he went there. When I pulled up he took off and I turned around and followed him about 2 blocks. I thought to myself why are you "chasing" him, he must not want to see you!
It has been 20 days now and I have heard not one word from him. He has called his kids, but not me. Not even yesterday to say Merry Christmas. I am soooo hurt and confused. Why do me this way...I dont feel like I was an enabler! But where is his frame of mind, how and why would he do this to me? What did I do to deserve this, all I have ever done is be there for him?! I am trying to understand why? I have no idea what his plans are when he gets out. I feel like my life is on hold and I know nothing for sure. I am now questioning did he ever really love me? Or was he with me because I was self supporting and he had access to my money when we got together. (we have been together almost 3 yrs).
Has anyone ever experienced this or anything like this? If so, please tell me what the end result was...what was the reason for doing this? I know it could be different for every addict, but just looking for any good reason to hurt me like this.
Sorry to ramble...thanks for taking the time to read this and any replies would be very appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. My RABF is addicted to pain pills. He has never left for a long period of time. However, one thing I can tell you is that you are not responsible for your AH's behavior. Have you looked at the stickies at the top of the page? One of them is called something like, "What addicts do." Pretty much, an active addict's thoughts are all about the drugs. Their life revolves around that. Their loved ones are not at the top of their list. It's sad, but true.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: atlanta georgia
Posts: 3
Well if thats not an eye opener!! I had sooo hoped that I hadnt been "played" for the last 3 years....So what now...I really dont want to hear, except, or face up to that he never really loved me. This whole situation has made me sick...I am so tired of his addiction effecting how I feel. What do I do now? Wait on him to get out and see if he comes back here? Forget him forever? I am soooo torn!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this right around the holidays but I'm glad you found this forum and I hope you stick around so that you can better understand yourself and your husband.
Unless your husband tells you what's going on in his head, you can make yourself crazy trying to read his mind. For whatever reason, he is getting the help he needs and that's a good thing. I hope that you'll begin getting the help you need to get through this tough time.
One of the first things we learn when dealing with an addict is that we have to take care of ourselves first and foremost. Trying to live and communicate with an active addict is difficult at best.....but when you don't have the tools to cope with it, it is he77 on earth.
Where can you get the tools? This forum is a great start. Naranon or Alanon Groups are another way that you can find your sanity again. What do we learn?
We didn't cause it.
We can't control it.
We can't cure it.
Your husband's addiction belongs to him and he's dealing with it. That's a good thing. But he has left you daze and confused in his wake. And he can't help you......but you can help yourself.
There are many great books on addiction and the pamphlets and literature you can get through Alanon or Naranon are fabulous. Once we take the focus OFF of the addict and on to ourselves, our lives begin to improve.
I hope you stick around. Post questions. Read. I hope you find the comfort here that I have found.
gentle hugs
Unless your husband tells you what's going on in his head, you can make yourself crazy trying to read his mind. For whatever reason, he is getting the help he needs and that's a good thing. I hope that you'll begin getting the help you need to get through this tough time.
One of the first things we learn when dealing with an addict is that we have to take care of ourselves first and foremost. Trying to live and communicate with an active addict is difficult at best.....but when you don't have the tools to cope with it, it is he77 on earth.
Where can you get the tools? This forum is a great start. Naranon or Alanon Groups are another way that you can find your sanity again. What do we learn?
We didn't cause it.
We can't control it.
We can't cure it.
Your husband's addiction belongs to him and he's dealing with it. That's a good thing. But he has left you daze and confused in his wake. And he can't help you......but you can help yourself.
There are many great books on addiction and the pamphlets and literature you can get through Alanon or Naranon are fabulous. Once we take the focus OFF of the addict and on to ourselves, our lives begin to improve.
I hope you stick around. Post questions. Read. I hope you find the comfort here that I have found.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
wife,
You are still a valuable human being, awaking each morning with the day ahead of you. How do you want to spend each day? Focusing of where your husband is and what he is doing? Or getting on with your life?
I'd choose to get on with my life. I'd get up each day and make myself presentable, I'd head off to work and do my best, talk pleasantly with my coworkers, smile, and have a good day. If I felt I was lost and confused I would look into attending an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting so that I could hear from others who have had addiction in their families and have learned to live their lives happily and so that I could open myself up and receive unconditional support. I'd start living each day the way I wanted to, instead of worrying about how I should live with my addicted family member involved.
This is what I hope for you.
You are still a valuable human being, awaking each morning with the day ahead of you. How do you want to spend each day? Focusing of where your husband is and what he is doing? Or getting on with your life?
I'd choose to get on with my life. I'd get up each day and make myself presentable, I'd head off to work and do my best, talk pleasantly with my coworkers, smile, and have a good day. If I felt I was lost and confused I would look into attending an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting so that I could hear from others who have had addiction in their families and have learned to live their lives happily and so that I could open myself up and receive unconditional support. I'd start living each day the way I wanted to, instead of worrying about how I should live with my addicted family member involved.
This is what I hope for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
oh, sweetie, i can imagine your pain and confusion.
he clearly does not have the level of honesty, or courage, that is needed to sustain a fulfilling relationship. now matter what plays out, that statement will remain true. i think you need to ask yourself if that's ok with you.
it is true; we will make ourselves crazy trying to mind-read, and figure these people out. as soon as you can be ok with moving on and lacking the understanding that you now so desperately crave, you will begin to heal.
i'm so sorry about this; it sounds pretty awful.
welcome to sober recov
he clearly does not have the level of honesty, or courage, that is needed to sustain a fulfilling relationship. now matter what plays out, that statement will remain true. i think you need to ask yourself if that's ok with you.
it is true; we will make ourselves crazy trying to mind-read, and figure these people out. as soon as you can be ok with moving on and lacking the understanding that you now so desperately crave, you will begin to heal.
i'm so sorry about this; it sounds pretty awful.
welcome to sober recov
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