It's been 2 months

Old 12-26-2010, 04:47 PM
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It's been 2 months

I need some advice. My husband has been back 2 months now from month 1 month inpatient treatment for pain pill addiction. And it's pretty much been just as hard as before he went in. I really don't think he is using the pills again just based on phisically I don't see the signs of him taking them, but his actions haven't really changed. He stills lies about money, caused a huge deal about still owing a dealer from before he left, and was scared of the guy and needed to pay him back. He never went to any NA meetings and blewoff his outpatient therapy. Last week it was so bad about him getting cash, to pay off this dealer, that I made him take a drug test before I would let him take any money..... He passed. I just am afraid he is back on them, because everything is the same as before except I don't see the physical signs like being tired, slurring, scratching etc. I'm slowly building an emergency money fund in case I need to leave him. I just am not sure what to expect I don't see any sign of pill use, but I don't see any change in his attitude or wanting to change. I'm not sure what to do.
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Old 12-26-2010, 06:58 PM
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Well from what you are saying he may not be using, but he sure isn't in recovery..is all this behavior ok with you if there is no drug use? he may be what people call "white knuckling" it which usually results in relapse eventually.Recovery is about getting rid of all the old "stinkin thinkin" not just stopping the drugs/alcohol. It is admitting there is an addiction, recognizing that there is spiritual and emotional work to be done, then working like your life depends on it..cause it does. I heard someone say once 'you'll know it's recovery when they go to meetings like they're handing out money"
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Old 12-26-2010, 08:37 PM
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That is kind of what I think he is on the edge of starting to use again, not doing it yet, but just barely holding on from not using. No it's not ok with me, the hatefulness towards me, and ignoring me and everyone else when he feels like it is not ok with me. The only thing that I have to say I'm really happy with is how he is being with our 5 month old, he plays with and holds her, since he has been back and that is great, and I'm ok with him driving her places, I really do thing he is still sober. But towards me and everyone else he is very on and off, I guess I don't know what I expected, but lying isn't part of it, I get that he's not the same person and probably never will be. But I feel like I'm just waiting for him to relapse and that's it. This was the best weekend we've had in the past couple of years though, he supposedly paid off his old debt and was done with all the lying and money taking, but then he took demanded 30 dollars and left for about an hour today same old same old, except he came back with a pizza for dinner. So should I take that as improvment and not focus on the rest and just take things little by little?
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Old 12-26-2010, 08:45 PM
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".....because everything is the same as before..."

Do you think this is improvement?
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Old 12-26-2010, 09:59 PM
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You know, they say you can see the relapse before it actually happens.I can't guarantee you that he is going to use, but from what you are saying and your suspicions, it looks like he is not doing well. When my daughter relapsed, I could see all that old behavior coming back before it happened.
What it taught me was that my gut feeling is right,if i think someone is using, I'm probably right.I know waht sobriety looks and sounds like and I know what addiction and all that craziness looks like too.
I go to alanon and it really helps me..do you go?
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Old 12-26-2010, 11:54 PM
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When my husband was in a treatment center, he called and told me that they were going to be removing him because he was not participating, was isolating himself. I thought so what, a person can't take sometime out to be alone. So I found out that the relaspe is not use of the drug, it is the behavour before hand that is leading up to the use. In their option he had relasped, he had only days to go until he finished the program, but he managed to talk his way through it and stayed in until the end and got his completion certificate to show the courts. He had it all planned out, he was going to be released at 11 am and set us all up to have his car there so he could just leave, because he had to do this and that. It sounded all ok to us, but what we didn't know was he had some crack that someone had stashed for him behind the ashtry. He drove out of the treatment center and lit up.

So they were right, he had already relasped. I had the panick one too of owing the dealer money, a drug test was good, but you should have given it to him after seeing the dealer. Different drugs do different things so he could be using something else, but they are pretty smart and he can be very conscience about his actions that you are aware of when he has used. I think you know what is going on hun, don't doubt yourself.

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Old 12-27-2010, 07:16 AM
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Sometimes we have this dream that our loved one will go into rehab and come out "all better". They don't.

Sometimes it takes more than one go in rehab for the message to sink in for them. It's a lot of hard work to recover from addiction. If they aren't willing to do the work, the likelihood of relapse is high.

I hope you don't mind if I ask you a couple of questions.....While he was in rehab, were you able to participate in any family groups? Are you currently attending any meetings to help you cope with his addiction such as Alanon or Naranon?

The reason I ask is that addiction affects us as much as it does the addict. We usually are "dancing" with them. The dance will make us feel terrible. Often, when we are able to identify and correct our behaviors, things certainly get better for us......whether the addict continues to use or not.

I'm glad you found us and I hope you stick around. There is a lot of collective wisdom here on SR. I have found great comfort here and I hope you do too.

gentle hugs
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Old 12-27-2010, 08:50 AM
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So they were right, he had already relasped. Different drugs do different things so he could be using something else, but they are pretty smart and he can be very conscience about his actions that you are aware of when he has used. I think you know what is going on hun, don't doubt yourself.

Rose[/QUOTE]

Oh yeah..my daughter has actually inserted (ugh) fake pee to fool drug tests..if it's to the point of drug testing..well..i just stopped wasting my money..she was using, I knew it, she passed a few tests ..she now admits that she was using during that time.
She is clean now and brings up some of the crazy sh@# she used to say and do..they really are sick. One example was that she told us the food at the rehab was so bad she was losing weight (she was 99 lbs when when she went, so she couldn't afford to lose anything).She now says..oh yeah I just said that so you'd come get me and feel sorry for me.She left there after 1 mo. having gained 10 lbs.There is alot of"quacking" that they do.When I hear the disease talking, I shut it down and stop listening.
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Old 12-27-2010, 09:08 AM
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I've found that my husbands sobriety has been just as difficult to deal with as his active addiction - just in different ways. Detachment is difficult to learn but it sure does help. The detachment gives you time and space to see what he is going to do on his own.

Have you done any recovery work on your own? (going to meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps?) Unfortunately, addiction is a family sickness and we need to take as many steps (if not more) to begin to develop our own healthy behaviors.

Thinking of you ...
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Old 01-03-2011, 06:48 AM
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Alright, so after a great christmas and awful new year's day I have left and moved in with my parents. My husband still says he is sober, he just doesn't like me asking him where he is going or what he is spending money on. Well, we are on a really tight budget and to make the bills it kind of matters where every little bit goes.

So that is what he said the problem was and that he is acting the same way that he was when he was using because everyone is treating him the same. I say only a addict/recovering etc. would read into "So how are you to day?" but I'm still learning. I decided along time ago that I wasn't going to walk on egg shells just so I wouldn't upset him.

To the real point I've moved out and don't plan on moving back in anytime soon, but my gut tells me that even though he might have slipped, I at least believe part of his story enough to give him a chance, before getting attorneys involved. He finally said that is was a stupid idea for him to leave rehab and think he didn't need his therapy or NA meetings.

So here is what I think I am comfortable with, he takes care of his half of the bills and the house or dogs and things, while I stay at my parents house with our daughter, for at least 2 months. If he makes it to work, pays his portion of the bills and doesn't sell our furniture then I think I would be ok with moving back, going to therapy separate and together and giving it another shot. He says his problem is me treating him like an addict and asking him what he is doing or spending money on. I think that if he does it on his own with out my interference, it gives him a chance to do it, and me a chance to stop focusing on him and focus on me more.

Am I crazy or does this make sense? The last part mostly, the rest is my life and I know it doesn't make sense.
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Old 01-03-2011, 07:00 AM
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wasyas
Living with an addict immediately after rehab is not easy. Someone here said it very well. We know what recovery is suppose to look like. And we know when we don't see it. He knows what he needs to do. He just doesn't want to do it. It's hard work recovering from drug addiction.

If he's not working a program, he's not "in recovery". He's white knuckling it and even if they aren't using, the behaviors remain the same. And for me, it's the behaviors that I can't tolerate.

The one thing I can say from my experience is that the most important thing I have done for myself and my RAS is work MY program and let him work his.

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Old 01-03-2011, 07:52 AM
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wasyas- "I at least believe part of his story enough to give him a chance..."

There is a saying:

How do you know when an addict is lying?
His lips are moving.


His actions, not his words will speak volumes of whether he is working a solid program, and a true path to recovery.

Trust your gut.

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Old 01-03-2011, 08:09 AM
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Yes..watch the actions and behaviors..not the talk..act like the mute button is on..what do you SEE?I think moving out and taking some time is a great move for your sanity.
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Old 01-03-2011, 08:17 AM
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sofacat thanks for reminding me. i really have learned that over the last 2 years. i dont believe a word out of his mouth, but i do believe, in my gut, that some of his actions, are leaning towards recovery, he is just still white knuckling it with others, it seems like he wants to sometimes, but doesnt have to put the effort into it so he doesn't, which is why i think it will be good to move out let him try it on his own and see what happens, the worst that could happen is he sells our yard sell decor furniture......that's all thats left in the house.
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