canuckch

I don't know how often I have promised myself that I will not get into an argument with him when he is not sober. And I have just broken that promise again. On Christmas Day. Again.

I don't know what do do anymore. I don't know if I am coming or going. I am so done being caught in Dr. Seuss Waiting Room and I still don't have the guts to move on. Will I ever?

I have been married to a high functioning alcoholic for over 8 years. Yeah, he is a dream employee, great father to our 5 year old and the best roommate ever. But he sucks as a husband, lover and partner. And we don't talk. We are horrible communicators and after all those years the last thing I want to talk about is alcohol and start a discussion that has never once ended well.

And that is where we started and ended again tonight. I just had to hear all the things I do wrong. Yep. Apparently I have given up hope and am not happy. That I am being mean to him and that I turn vicious and evil once he starts drinking. (Which would be daily and usually at least a sixpack. Yep, everyday since the day I met him. The only exception one night when he was in a hospital heavily medicated)

He is starting to have some health issues. A year ago it started with ED and impotence. The newest are tingling and numbness in his feet and hands. I am not an idiot. He is not an idiot. We just spend 600 dollars on an Brain MRI while ignoring the big Elephant in the room. How about drinking daily for 20 years while at the same time not eating properly, working 70 hours a week, no exercise and smoking heavily? And yes, I am mad at that. I am deprived of any and all intimacy and there is nothing I can do to change that. And I get furious at the fought of damage he is doing to himself and that we will have to see it one day in the future.

Yes, I love this man. This is the same man that yesterday baked and decorated sugar cookies for 3 hours with my little girl. She absolutely adores him and he is her world. She usually doesn't get to see him tipsy/drunk, that comes after she has gone to bed. But she has. And lately I think she has seen it more often. That glass look in the eyes, that special walk and jerky movements. Of course she can tell the difference, whom am I kidding. And she ignores it. She ignores her dads drinking as well as his smoking. And when I see it I try to be calm and stay positive and protect her. But I turn into an icicle, that talks to him if needed in a civil and mannered voice and ignores him the best she can. Cold and vicious as he calls it.

He brought up tonight that this is starting to affect our little one. Not his drinking or anything. But my anger. He is right, I am sure of that. But it makes me even more angry and mad that the solution would just lie with me. His solution: I need to stop seeing him as a drunk (his words) and everything will be fine.

Another hit against me tonight was that if I go see another counselor to deal with my issues (by the way I never had issues before I met him, just a thought that crossed my mind a few minutes ago) he is sure I will immediately find something wrong with them and no longer go. Maybe he is right.
I have gone to Alanon before. I don't think it is for me, I did not enjoy it all that much and I stopped going after about 8 meetings. But I am looking into meetings in our new neighborhood again.
And he made fun of me for not seeing my counselor long enough. I saw 2 different psychologist on 2 different occasion. One for about 6 times who had no experience with addiction and openly acknowledged that she didn't. She once asked me to bring in Codependent no More since that would be an interesting book for her to read.
The other one was a young beautiful psychologist that truthfully made me feel ugly and stupid. I know, bad reason to stop seeing a psychologist. She full on ignored any of my input. I know I should have given her Cognitive Behavior Therapy a bigger chance but the lists of how to approach people and how to look for a job for myself drove me crazy.

The only psychologist i liked was one he was seeing. (I went in for one session only). And as soon as that guy suggested AH is an alcoholic and needs to stop drinking he got dropped by my AH like a hot potato.

I know I need to get myself straightened out and healthy. But right now, the only healthy I see is leaving. And I don't want to. I want him to get sober so I don't have to pack our bags and leave into a future that looks worse than what I am in right now. The times AH has been away on business I enjoyed tremendously. Not having to see that beer bottle. Not having to have that stench in my bedroom. Like a vacation from booze.

But I missed him. I missed that person I share everything with every night. That I tell everything to as soon as he gets home.

So overall, I am a mess. At least for tonight! AH is happily snoring in bed while I feel every emotion known. Except for the good ones. The happy ones are eluding me tonight.

And just between you and I. Would you believe I was somehow hoping for a special christmas present from him? Yeah that one! That he finally admits he drinks to much and that he will at least look into help.

Merry Christmas everyone. Thank you for letting me rant on.

Impurrfect

(((Canuckch))) - FWIW, I'm both a recovering A (addict) but a recovering codie...way before I developed my addiction.

It's maddening...knowing what you feel, yet having it turned around to where it's YOUR issue..YOUR problem. Let them drink, use, whatever and life will be fine.

Not.

I can only tell you MY ES&H. In a 20+ year relationship with a high-functioning alcoholic. He made totally abnormal things (like having other gf's) seem okay, because I LOVED him. I was going to be the woman who loved him enough to change his ways.

Not.

We grew apart, I started dabbling with opiates (I was a nurse). I lost that career, met a guy who introduced me to crack...within 2 months I went from a highly certified trauma nurse to a street-walking crackhead.

Most codie's don't go to this extreme. Whether it was genetics, or whatever I did.

Several years later, homelessness, jail, etc. I found my way to SR. I read and read...yet I didn't accept my codependency, much less that I could never get high again. After quite a while of clean time, I relapsed. I was done. I was now on XABF #3, and I truly did love him, but he was content to smoke crack.

I finally signed onto SR after 6 months clean. I read and read...all the stories seemed so familiar. I started taking baby steps. I was no longer in a relationship...had told XABF #3 I couldn't do that any more. I read from people who had kids, who had more invested in their relationships than I did, yet they'd found peace. They found out they deserved more than to be the crumbs left over in a relationship. I had HEARD this, years before, but I wasn't ready to accept it. I finally did..I DO deserve someone who ADDS to my life, not someone whom I'm constantly walking on egg shells with, worrying that it's going to cause another uproar.

I've got near 4 years clean, and the same amount of time in my codie recovery. I'm a slow learner, and have lots of wreckage to clear up, so I've yet to even attempt at another relationship. However, I've learned to set boundaries. I refuse to be a party to someone else's drug/alcohol abuse, even though I live with my dad/stepmom and stepmom likes her pills and they are both deeply codie.

Some people need meetings, some people need a counselor who is trained in codependency and addiction. I've lucked out...SR and a few f2f people have done it for me.

Whatever it takes, you and your daughter deserve a life free from the drama of his alcoholism. Read the forum of ACOA (adult children of alcoholics/addicts) to see what it does to the kids. They DO know more than you think...it DOES affect them.

For most of us, it takes a while before we get to the breaking point...our bottom. You're not alone....there are many of us, here to walk with you through this path.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Eight Ball

Me too and it sucks! Another Christmas Day ruined and there has been far too many. My AH of 22 years and I had the perfect day - loving and special. My AH had even purchased some nice thoughtful gifts for me for a change. Then after a day of drinking non stop, including a bottle of red wine on top of his usual beers, he picked a fight with me and I fell for it. I know completely where you are coming from. This fight of course led to me being in the wrong, he was demanding to read my emails and completely irrational.

I could feel my AH mood becoming 'unstable' as the day went on, and the treading on eggshells began. Its such an uncomfortable feeling and I dislike it immensely.

I went to bed in the spare room, crying myself to sleep - again.

My AH solution too, sometime ago, was for me to stop 'going on at him' about his drinking. This has worked for me and we do live relatively harmoniously, most of the time. Christmas seems to be all about alcohol and so its not surprising that it causes so much heartache for those of us living with a problem drinker.

I feel your pain. I do not have young children, I have managed to bring mine up in the occasionally hostile environment and they certainly haven't come out totally unscathed, which is sad for them but they are both great girls. My eldest is struggling to have a relationship with her dad at the moment and the youngest loves him but hates him too and considers him a jerk.

Please rant away and know that you are not on your own and all around the world there would have been households dealing with family stresses that the holiday season seems to bring. Just the New Year to get through now!

I am sorry Al-anon hasn't worked for you, I feel as though it would really help you to find a meeting that you enjoy going to, so that you can take the focus off your husbands drinking and place the focus on you and your daughter and this can take some practice. Keep reading on SR in the meantime, its as close to Al-Anon as you can get and plenty of 'sharing' that you will be able to relate too.

Keep strong and Merry Christmas from me.

SoloMio

Wow, that could have been me writing in so many ways. All my adult kids are here, as they were on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, AH was dry. We all agreed we had a wonderful time.

He said he wasn't going to drink on Christmas because of the great time we had on Thanksgiving...but that didn't happen. He's been drunk every day--shopping, during Christmas Eve service, etc. etc. Yesterday we went out to a restaurant to eat because he was drunk and didn't want to cook (I didn't either--and the house was really crowded). He started spewing hateful stuff about other groups, and my son stopped him, telling him how uncomfortable that made him feel--well AH got all defensive and talked about how DS was "going to the dark side" because he wasn't allowing AH freedom of speech--So he was so angry he came home and BLASTED Pavarotti and other sentimental, maudlin songs and wouldn't let anyone turn it down--meanwhile yelling, "f-ing b-ch" and other lovely words.

Thank God my BIL lives next door and the kids and I went to watch a light comedy.

But it was SUCH a depressing atmosphere--it felt, to my core, like I did as a child when I'd come into the house, the house would be dark, and my Dad would be sitting drunk in the corner of the living room. In my mind's eye he was a faceless, hazy, ghost and the home just had this tremendously heavy, oppressive energy about it.

That's what MY home felt like yesterday afternoon.

I hate it.

Sorry to not offer any advice or words, but only empathy--I am so with you on everything you said. I am at the same mental place. thanks for sharing

Tally

Waiting for him to give up may take a long time from what you have written. He sounds very much in denial and happy to pass the blame on to you.

I lived like that for a while but drove myself nuts accepting his behaviour. I can totally understand the wanting to share things with him, the hope that he'll do the right thing, and as far as the intimacy thing...I went without any sex, kisses, even flirting for over 5 years whilst he did the porn and drinking thing.

You deserve to have intimacy in a relationship, just as I deserve it too. It is so lonely and depressing being with a partner that you cannot touch.

Your husband can be a great father without having to live with you. It sounds like you're sacrificing your own happiness and putting aside your own needs so he can parent full time, so you don't rock the boat. But when we put aside our needs we do become resentful and "cold". I certainly did.

laurie6781

(((((canuckch)))))

On my 3 year anniversary, the very day, my AA sponsor said to me:

"It is time for you to go to Al-anon NOW and get an Al-anon sponsor!"

WOW, I was married to a sober alcoholic who was transferring his addiction to gambling and all the 'old behaviors' were back.

Now, I have to tell you I didn't want to go to Al-Anon but I did respect my sponsor, she had helped to come so far in my recovery from alcohol and drugs, that I grudgingly went.

No, I "did not enjoy it all" but there was no 'joy' in what was happening in my home life. I did 'learn' though, a lot of things, and probably the first one that sunk in was:

The 3 C's.

I didn't Cause this.

I can't Control this.

I can't Cure this.

Then by continuing to go, even though I didn't think it was any help at all, I started to learn about how to set "Realistic Boundaries" for ME not HIM.

I got that Al-Anon sponsor, she was a "Double Winner" sober almost as long as my AA sponsor in AA and with a lot of years in Al-Anon also.

I started to work the 12 steps again, from the Al-Anon perspective, a perspective by the way that is completely different from the AA perspective.

And ........................... believe it or not my life started to change AGAIN, because I started to change AGAIN.

You are, of course, welcome to post and vent and rant and rave here as often as you need or want to. There is lots of Great ES&H here. Some you may not like, but we can only share what we have had to do and are doing.

I am glad you are considering trying Al-Anon again, and that you might consider another counselor. It can sometimes take 3 or 4 or more different counselors to find one that we are comfortable with and one that is experienced with Addiction and Co Dependency.

If you have Co Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie, please read it again, or if you don't have that book please get it and read it. It is available from Amazon at a very reasonable price.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

canuckch

Thank you everyone for your posts. I read impurrfects post last night That started a flood of tears and i then exhausted layed down next to my girl for a while. I needed to finish the day with the most beautiful in my life. She woke me up all excited this morning at 7 with a cheery good morning. I must have fallen asleep and she loved the novelty of me sleeping in her bed!

Now in the brightness of the light life no longer seems so gloom. Soon AH will wake up and we will get ready for some friends that are coming over in the afternoon. I am very worried about the next 10 days. I know that's something other families are looking forward to bit I fretting over it. I try to organize things, have outings planned, meet up with friends and enjoy the snow and time I get to spend with my girl. But this one part of me worries about when he will pick up the first beer? How will he be around dinner and bed time? How will his eyes look? Will he have this first signs of intoxications and fooling himself into believing I don't see them? Will I get a sloppy good night kiss at 9 pm because he is already going to bed and I will be up for hours, alone.

That's the part I can't turn off right now. Thanks to books and daily reading here a SR I tend to mostly no longer be in that spot. I can much better detach and guard myself. When I get caught up I can almost here the members here helping me put the focus back on myself.

I no longer believe that staying with my active A I can get to a place where his drinking will not hurt me or make me sad and angry. Is there such a boundary or shield that will allow me to not hurt when I see him swaying and tumbling into bed to consequently pass out?

Thank you everyone for your help and posts. I could not imagine my last year and a half without SR.

Disclaimer. Oh and of this post seems all over the place it is for once not my mental state but a 5 year old sharing her enthusiasm over her new toys with me.

canuckch

Laurie, yes I have the book and it is definitely time again for a re read.

Al anon was kind of like a mirror to me. When I went there at the beginning of this year there was especially one woman there that I could seemyself in. 15 years my senior she was still with her functional AH. She looked tired and years older than she really was. But it was that tired, no more fight, spirit left looked that hunted me, that I recognized. She has been working the steps for years and is doing her best daily. But watching her A kill himself daily is hurting her still.

I don't want to be her in 15 years. I want to leave before then. I don't know why but I figured looking at her the program can't work. I wanted to scream at her. Leave your AH. You deserve better. Yes you can apply all but take the final pain and leave and then live.

I am just not ready for that final pain yet. Am I making sense?
A lot has changed in 2010. We moved to a better city. After 5 years of staying at home I now have my own car and a part time job. After being completely cut off from people and isolating myself for 2 years I have made new friends and am starting to be more again then "just" a mother and wife.
I wished I had my family close by. They live on another continent.
Thank you everyone.

Buffalo66

My A used to say my anger was damaging our child when he was a fall down drunk. That is addiction 101. Dont let that bust your mind up.

It is true, though, and he is now sober, and he is working on things, and back to work...

But I am still angry, and when you take him out of the equation, drinking or not, you have to ask yourself if you are being the person, the parent you want to be.

To me, that is what al anon is all about. That and nothing more, really. Its not about learning to rearrange and cope with someone elses choices, or to find ways to leave, really. Its about examining yourself, your actions, your reactions, and determining who you are being and if it is who you want to be.

if it is not, then there are the steps. ANd the steps help flush that out, help define.

If leaving is the only way, if he is unworkable...then you need to go to alanon and figure out how to live life the way you want, being able to be who you want to be. Not a reactionary bundle of resentment.

For me, it has been about contnually going back to the times that I was living and being who and what I want, someone I could be proud of. If I can find a way to do that with him here in our everyday lives, I will do that. And the times it seems like I cannot be that person because he is in the way, I make a boundary. If the boundary puts us at an impasse, we dicuss the other options.

Right now, he is seeing that he is the one who has weird ways of seeing things.
You know in your heart that his drinking is unhealthy for child, for you, and for him...but your work is limited to you and chld. You are your responsibility and child is your responsibility. His work is his to do and his to choose.

If he chooses not to see it or do it, then you make boundaries around him and his actions and how they affect you and child.

Pretty soon, it becomes clear to him that he is unhealthy. That is how we all would like it to go.

BUt, you kind of have to try that first, if you are not ready to leave. Because you are important enough to change your everyday life, you deserve to live without all that brimming, steeping anger and resent,ent. and I know how bad the insult is to the injury when they point out that your anger is a, or THE problem.

It is not true, but it is a symptom.

I hope you get back to meetings, do some writing...pros and cons, list out who you are being or wht you are doing that is not in alignment with your heart, and lay down some lines that protect and nurture your ability to stay happy for your days.

MyBetterWorld

I hate that stench. I read your post knowing exactly what was coming next. I may as well copy and paste it into my own post (not that I would) .......you are living my life! Only difference- I don't love my A anymore. Actually, I can't stand him. I hope your situation improves, but you will have to make it happen. Good luck to you.

JenT1968

Hey there,

wonderful room-mates don't make fun of your experience with counsellors, or blame you for all of their problems and their childrens problems, belittle your concerns.

I'm sorry you are dealing with these problems, I too wrestled with the choices I had, stay and find a way to be happy with things as they were or leave, when what I really wanted was for him to man up and sober up and become the husband I wanted. It took me a long time to accept that the third choice was not really my choice to make, it didn't exist. Alanon, whilst full of lovely non-judgemental people, set me on a course where for years I unsuccessfully tried to detach with love, stop enabling etc, with the hope that this would precipitate a change in his behaviour, because that was what I heard when people there shared their stories. In that sense I found alanon very unhelpful, although it is I believe that was because I personally wasn't in a place to be able to use their structure, not any fault of alanon itself.

I, after years, did leave, when I finally accepted that I couldn't remain sane in the relationship, that I deserved more. My life is indescribably better, in every sense, the fears I had about how life might be worse have not materialised. I am not saying you should leave, that is quite obviously your choice to make, in your own time.

I have learned that there is no such thing as communciating with an alcoholic, it is an impossible task. All the guides and top tips for communication in a marriage go out of the window when one partner is an addict, I went round that crazy-making dance for years, simple things, big things, no matter what approach or technique I tried, no real communication at all, even when I thought there had been. I ended up believing I couldn't communicate, despite the fact that my well-paid job requires me to communicate difficult and contentious issues to a wide variety of types of people, many of whom are not receptive to the information, are in positions of power, with opposing agendas and persuade them to volunteer their time to work together with us.

You said you clicked with one counsellor, could you go back to him in your own right? I found a wonderful counsellor, who helped me build my own strength to make the decisions that were right for me.