What a gift. I detached...for real!!!
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
What a gift. I detached...for real!!!
Good morning & Merry Christmas to you all.
I have to say that I woke up this morning feeling elated. What a gift to realize that all of the hard work I out into myself over the past year has paid off.
For those of you that don't know...I separated from my A on New Year's Eve last year. 6 days away from a year ago.
I have been working full time on Me...trying to heal old wounds, forgive myself, and understand the WHY's of the situations with other people I get myself into...AKA, my Codependency.
Well....I saw my Ex A last night. He has been over seas for almost a year (another gift) and came home a few days ago. He had a Christmas present for me, and wanted to come and see our pets.
When he arrived, I could clearly see his pupils were small (old habits)...
But for the FIRST TIME in TEN YEARS....it didn't phase me. My chest didn't get tight, my heart didn't race, I didn't get nervous, I didn't try to ask him questions to "trap" him into an answer, I didn't keep staring at his eyes (so he would know, I knew! haha!), I didn't get passive aggressive, silently angry, moody, NOTHING!!!!!! He tried to tell Me he has been sober...and I didn't take the bait, didn't smirk, make a noise, roll my eyes, squirm...NOTHING. I just moved the conversation on...very naturally.
It happened! I detached! I did it!!!!!!Holy Moly! It is his problem to deal with, and I realize this...it is NOT my place to decide how I THINK another person should live their lives. Just my own.
I have arrived.
This was the greatest gift I could have asked for this Christmas.
I thank you all so much for helping me get here.
Merry Christmas.
I have to say that I woke up this morning feeling elated. What a gift to realize that all of the hard work I out into myself over the past year has paid off.
For those of you that don't know...I separated from my A on New Year's Eve last year. 6 days away from a year ago.
I have been working full time on Me...trying to heal old wounds, forgive myself, and understand the WHY's of the situations with other people I get myself into...AKA, my Codependency.
Well....I saw my Ex A last night. He has been over seas for almost a year (another gift) and came home a few days ago. He had a Christmas present for me, and wanted to come and see our pets.
When he arrived, I could clearly see his pupils were small (old habits)...
But for the FIRST TIME in TEN YEARS....it didn't phase me. My chest didn't get tight, my heart didn't race, I didn't get nervous, I didn't try to ask him questions to "trap" him into an answer, I didn't keep staring at his eyes (so he would know, I knew! haha!), I didn't get passive aggressive, silently angry, moody, NOTHING!!!!!! He tried to tell Me he has been sober...and I didn't take the bait, didn't smirk, make a noise, roll my eyes, squirm...NOTHING. I just moved the conversation on...very naturally.
It happened! I detached! I did it!!!!!!Holy Moly! It is his problem to deal with, and I realize this...it is NOT my place to decide how I THINK another person should live their lives. Just my own.
I have arrived.
This was the greatest gift I could have asked for this Christmas.
I thank you all so much for helping me get here.
Merry Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
good going sofacat!!! funny, I went to the pizza place last night and there was my ex too!! I didnt react when I saw him, just continued walking to the counter on my way out he jumped up and approached me..with the same old BS...I love you, miss you, dont want to hurt you, want to help you..yeah yeah yeah..nothing changes if nothing changes...
but like you, I didnt melt, I didnt fall, I didnt really respond as I would have months ago..I was distant and didnt really talk much.
I finally said I needed to go I couldnt continue hearing it anymore, I walked away and got into my vehicle and left. I felt numb, numb like no reaction..
I thought to myself wow, this is all the reason why I cant interact with him, all the more reason why I need to continue on my recovery and move on.
its a good feeling!! but today I felt sad, I felt bad that we arent together celebrating christmas together and I know these feelings will still happen.
but the main thing is we are making it through and recovering..
Hoping next year brings peace and happiness to you all
but like you, I didnt melt, I didnt fall, I didnt really respond as I would have months ago..I was distant and didnt really talk much.
I finally said I needed to go I couldnt continue hearing it anymore, I walked away and got into my vehicle and left. I felt numb, numb like no reaction..
I thought to myself wow, this is all the reason why I cant interact with him, all the more reason why I need to continue on my recovery and move on.
its a good feeling!! but today I felt sad, I felt bad that we arent together celebrating christmas together and I know these feelings will still happen.
but the main thing is we are making it through and recovering..
Hoping next year brings peace and happiness to you all
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
All that workon ourselves..I kinda look at it like football training and then when we are confronted..it's like the Superbowl..sometimes alll that melanie beattie and alanon just kicks in automatically and Man..it feels like making that winning touchdown!
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"and Man..it feels like making that winning touchdown! "
Hahahaa! That's so funny you put it that way! I throw my hands up in the air and do a "touch down" dance sometimes when I surprise myself!!! I did the dance after Mr.Sofa left that night!
Hahahaa! That's so funny you put it that way! I throw my hands up in the air and do a "touch down" dance sometimes when I surprise myself!!! I did the dance after Mr.Sofa left that night!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
To use more football analogy, I used so much energy pushing that sled (the weighted thing you put your shoulders to and the coach yells at you to push harder).
My ex would be standing on it while i was pushing (trying) as hard as I could to support our family, then he would hop off, and i could move it for miles myself.
I didnt make that connection for a long time. I am strong enough, I just didnt need him as a coach.
And, yes, I thought, "TOUCHDOWN" too.
:ghug3
My ex would be standing on it while i was pushing (trying) as hard as I could to support our family, then he would hop off, and i could move it for miles myself.
I didnt make that connection for a long time. I am strong enough, I just didnt need him as a coach.
And, yes, I thought, "TOUCHDOWN" too.
:ghug3
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Thanks everybody. It feels great!!
I still am working hard on some "ticks"... but I get the gist of it now, and the training wheels have come off.
I catch myself now when I start feeling the need to "judge" or "micromanage"...
I recognize when I'm feeling that way...but I feel that way less and less every day.
I STILL can't be around sloppy drunk people, I haven't really learned how to make THAT go away...other than just excusing myself and making ME go away..hahaa!
I still haven't started dating...I am giving myself 1 year from my separation with Mr.Sofa.
One year will be in 5 days. Wow! I still don't trust my picker just yet...but I do see things in men that I may have not seen clearly before...Red flags, so to speak!
If any of you are in the early stages of separation, or have not yet found the strength to make the changes for yourself, you CAN do it.
Change is never easy, but it's always worth it.
Take it one....day.....at....a.....time.
And come here a lot!!!!!! I did, and I am so grateful.
I still am working hard on some "ticks"... but I get the gist of it now, and the training wheels have come off.
I catch myself now when I start feeling the need to "judge" or "micromanage"...
I recognize when I'm feeling that way...but I feel that way less and less every day.
I STILL can't be around sloppy drunk people, I haven't really learned how to make THAT go away...other than just excusing myself and making ME go away..hahaa!
I still haven't started dating...I am giving myself 1 year from my separation with Mr.Sofa.
One year will be in 5 days. Wow! I still don't trust my picker just yet...but I do see things in men that I may have not seen clearly before...Red flags, so to speak!
If any of you are in the early stages of separation, or have not yet found the strength to make the changes for yourself, you CAN do it.
Change is never easy, but it's always worth it.
Take it one....day.....at....a.....time.
And come here a lot!!!!!! I did, and I am so grateful.
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