My heart is full of gratitude today
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
My heart is full of gratitude today
I woke up the 24th and there was silence. This was my first gift. Only a few birds chirping outside. Then I realized my two cats were sleeping, hugging each other on top of my belly. That was the cutest image ever.
Went to my second makeup lesson. The girl knows her business and I looked radiant!! and bought some makeup and brushes I really needed. The third one will be on New Year, looking forward to the "party makeup".
I went to my previous apartment. I didn't expect for it to feel so good to take my stuff back. I have gone grab some stuff before, and XBF had the guts to ask why I took the pans away. "Because they are mine" was my brief nonapologetic answer. Today I grabbed my cup of coffee that was of course being used by him, or his roomie, or both. That felt great.
It was also eye opening. Without me in there there is NOTHING. I saw XBF's room. The stuff there is very depressing and from someone poor. I had to realize there is a socioeconomic difference and for him it is convenient to be with me - I get nothing. I had to realize that yes, money and a steady job DO matter. I took a good look at his car. It is depressing and getting worse.
I also ran across some stuff from his new roomie. He has a really low vibe. He reads sensationalist press.
I would never befriend someone who reads that kind of stuff. NEVER.
This made me remember when we gave a lift to his "best friend". We went far far away to a very poor place. And XBF told his friend "I will leave you here as it is too dangerous closer to your home". Damn.
What was I thinking? I left.
So I was driving back to the apartment after going to the supermarket. I stop at a red light. I take a glance at a blue car - yes, it was my XABF's. I looked its way while passing and saw XABF with NH ("new" hostage).
He looked incredibly thin. The restaurant serves dishes made for hangovers. I realized I could have been her, tending his hangover, alone with him, dreading Christmas. Instead I was in MY car, with the seats full with: makeup, my teddy bear, pasta sauce & apples and a new dress I bought. Singing. Actually looking forward to go on with the day. Wow.
I felt sad for a moment, angry for a moment then a feeling of GRATITUDE filled me... I remember last Xmas.. I was with XBF and our neighbors were behaving horribly towards me, XBF didn't move a finger RE cooking or buying something for dinner, I was too busy/stressed to celebrate anything and missed my family, it sucked big time.
I realized I am DONE with those 2. They did not deserve me plain and simple.
Later on XBF called me to notify me his grandmom passed away. Emphisema from smoking. He was sad and wanted to see me. I was getting ready for dinner after cooking pasta and salad and waiting for the guests. I could feel my need to go get the car visit him , make him feel better and return.
I told him we may meet... some other day. And that I had plans. For him, it was the same Xmas- totally alone, NO effort to cook (not to mention cook something special).. nothing...he told me he would come visit me... I told him I never invited him and he was not welcome here. He had spent all night awake to be with his grandmom and was tired. I advised him to rest. Not that I don't care but I liked that I placed my limits.
I had a REALLY nice time. Laughed a lot. Didn't eat too much but it was delicious. I sang.
The males in the dinner: played chess, sang with me, asked me questions about my life, I asked who wanted pasta and one said "I want to try it, because you prepared it" and I was like wow someone was nice with me... suprise.. surprise. I got compliments. I said "thank you".
No one got even a little bit tipsy. Guests left at 4 AM. I am getting ready to sleep while my cats rest next to me. This was so lovely my heart is full of gratitude because it is not by chance I am now here and it is not by chance I am now interacting with this kind of people. I am now getting consequences of good choices that's all. I am so grateful you all have shared your strength with me. Being on this side is a true blessing.
I am just incredibly happy I am no longer in self destruct mode. I am so happy I still get chances and I am so grateful for being alive and healthy and seeing how everything you mention about peace and serenity is TRUE and ATTAINABLE no matter what.
OK I really have to put my pijamas on.
I am just so so grateful today I want to cry!!
God bless you my friends today and everyday, may HP shed light on your journey
There is so much hope and promise and joy out there, it is true.. I am already seeing it...
Went to my second makeup lesson. The girl knows her business and I looked radiant!! and bought some makeup and brushes I really needed. The third one will be on New Year, looking forward to the "party makeup".
I went to my previous apartment. I didn't expect for it to feel so good to take my stuff back. I have gone grab some stuff before, and XBF had the guts to ask why I took the pans away. "Because they are mine" was my brief nonapologetic answer. Today I grabbed my cup of coffee that was of course being used by him, or his roomie, or both. That felt great.
It was also eye opening. Without me in there there is NOTHING. I saw XBF's room. The stuff there is very depressing and from someone poor. I had to realize there is a socioeconomic difference and for him it is convenient to be with me - I get nothing. I had to realize that yes, money and a steady job DO matter. I took a good look at his car. It is depressing and getting worse.
I also ran across some stuff from his new roomie. He has a really low vibe. He reads sensationalist press.
I would never befriend someone who reads that kind of stuff. NEVER.
This made me remember when we gave a lift to his "best friend". We went far far away to a very poor place. And XBF told his friend "I will leave you here as it is too dangerous closer to your home". Damn.
What was I thinking? I left.
So I was driving back to the apartment after going to the supermarket. I stop at a red light. I take a glance at a blue car - yes, it was my XABF's. I looked its way while passing and saw XABF with NH ("new" hostage).
He looked incredibly thin. The restaurant serves dishes made for hangovers. I realized I could have been her, tending his hangover, alone with him, dreading Christmas. Instead I was in MY car, with the seats full with: makeup, my teddy bear, pasta sauce & apples and a new dress I bought. Singing. Actually looking forward to go on with the day. Wow.
I felt sad for a moment, angry for a moment then a feeling of GRATITUDE filled me... I remember last Xmas.. I was with XBF and our neighbors were behaving horribly towards me, XBF didn't move a finger RE cooking or buying something for dinner, I was too busy/stressed to celebrate anything and missed my family, it sucked big time.
I realized I am DONE with those 2. They did not deserve me plain and simple.
Later on XBF called me to notify me his grandmom passed away. Emphisema from smoking. He was sad and wanted to see me. I was getting ready for dinner after cooking pasta and salad and waiting for the guests. I could feel my need to go get the car visit him , make him feel better and return.
I told him we may meet... some other day. And that I had plans. For him, it was the same Xmas- totally alone, NO effort to cook (not to mention cook something special).. nothing...he told me he would come visit me... I told him I never invited him and he was not welcome here. He had spent all night awake to be with his grandmom and was tired. I advised him to rest. Not that I don't care but I liked that I placed my limits.
I had a REALLY nice time. Laughed a lot. Didn't eat too much but it was delicious. I sang.
The males in the dinner: played chess, sang with me, asked me questions about my life, I asked who wanted pasta and one said "I want to try it, because you prepared it" and I was like wow someone was nice with me... suprise.. surprise. I got compliments. I said "thank you".
No one got even a little bit tipsy. Guests left at 4 AM. I am getting ready to sleep while my cats rest next to me. This was so lovely my heart is full of gratitude because it is not by chance I am now here and it is not by chance I am now interacting with this kind of people. I am now getting consequences of good choices that's all. I am so grateful you all have shared your strength with me. Being on this side is a true blessing.
I am just incredibly happy I am no longer in self destruct mode. I am so happy I still get chances and I am so grateful for being alive and healthy and seeing how everything you mention about peace and serenity is TRUE and ATTAINABLE no matter what.
OK I really have to put my pijamas on.
I am just so so grateful today I want to cry!!
God bless you my friends today and everyday, may HP shed light on your journey
There is so much hope and promise and joy out there, it is true.. I am already seeing it...
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Aww thanks friends. I have you all in mind in my prayers which have been a lot lately.
Today I woke up at around 12 pm. Wonderful to be able to sleep all I needed. I went down to the kitchen, helped clean up and then the family came visit again for the leftovers. We ate my pasta and I ate like 3 plates and the rest of the Xmas salad. Two mini cinnamon rolls. Coffee from Oaxaca state (Mexico) which is the best of the planet
I was invited to a cabin in a nearby "forest town" in a couple of days. I have to work but hopefully (if there is Internet) I am in. These are quite rich people (they met the Queen of Holland in their last trip and said it very casually as if they met royalty everyday) but are down to Earth...
Then I spent the last hour doing yoga. When I laid down one of my cats laid on my tummy. Then when I laid facing down the other cat laid on my back. Lol. They were taking turns using me as a pillow. Again. It is fun doing yoga with cats around but don't expect much concentration!
Now I am getting rid of stuff. These last days of the year are very good for decluttering.
Tomorrow I was invited to another town called Tequila where we will have lunch. Looking forward to that trip.
I was not looking to do anything special and then I get invitations here and there...
Also I talked to XBF today and he was crying due to his grandmom's passing and because he misses me as a girlfriend. We talked a lot and it was healing. Basically we care about each other and we have each other's moral support. With a lot of his and my defects we can still dettach with love. Wow. It is not easy but I am feeling such a great difference from breaking up with the XABF. Knowing a partner cared cares and will keep caring regardless of anything is priceless. I posted many bad things about him here that are still true but he taught me stuff as well. It feels great to own one's part...
Then I got an email from a really good friend who is coming to my town the first days of January. I am excited about seeing him. We laugh so much...
And for my BDAY on Jan 29th I planned a SPA day in Mex city posh W hotel. It was named "the most Zen place" in my country! 5 girlfriends already confirmed. It will be nice and I don't care if I have to survive with tuna sandwiches all month just to enjoy that day...
It pays off making an effort to know oneself. I have barely started to do what I enjoy and life has opened doors for me.
I am now being encouraged to take yoga lessons and become a certified instructor. I already have a place to give my classes. I already have some to-be 'students' waiting for me to share what I know. And the only thing I did was ask HP to give me clarity. Just some simple humility. Well here it comes, all the clarity I needed in just one weekend
So this post is not like bragging post, I just want to mention just a few days before this I was crying daily and teary and things looked very very dark and sad for me, and although there are many things I have to work out I am receiving many many gifts and I never saw this coming for me. If anyone is feeling blue HANG IN THERE IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER... but start getting to know yourself... I have to stop being a stranger and even an enemy, to myself... I have been like that all my life and I am tired of that horrible jail... I always held the key to much happiness, I just felt unworthy but now that I am starting to flirt with the wild idea: "perhaps I am worthy of something after all" its just all this beauty and peace coming to me.
Repeat with me: "I deserve everything that is good. EVERYTHING"
Today I woke up at around 12 pm. Wonderful to be able to sleep all I needed. I went down to the kitchen, helped clean up and then the family came visit again for the leftovers. We ate my pasta and I ate like 3 plates and the rest of the Xmas salad. Two mini cinnamon rolls. Coffee from Oaxaca state (Mexico) which is the best of the planet
I was invited to a cabin in a nearby "forest town" in a couple of days. I have to work but hopefully (if there is Internet) I am in. These are quite rich people (they met the Queen of Holland in their last trip and said it very casually as if they met royalty everyday) but are down to Earth...
Then I spent the last hour doing yoga. When I laid down one of my cats laid on my tummy. Then when I laid facing down the other cat laid on my back. Lol. They were taking turns using me as a pillow. Again. It is fun doing yoga with cats around but don't expect much concentration!
Now I am getting rid of stuff. These last days of the year are very good for decluttering.
Tomorrow I was invited to another town called Tequila where we will have lunch. Looking forward to that trip.
I was not looking to do anything special and then I get invitations here and there...
Also I talked to XBF today and he was crying due to his grandmom's passing and because he misses me as a girlfriend. We talked a lot and it was healing. Basically we care about each other and we have each other's moral support. With a lot of his and my defects we can still dettach with love. Wow. It is not easy but I am feeling such a great difference from breaking up with the XABF. Knowing a partner cared cares and will keep caring regardless of anything is priceless. I posted many bad things about him here that are still true but he taught me stuff as well. It feels great to own one's part...
Then I got an email from a really good friend who is coming to my town the first days of January. I am excited about seeing him. We laugh so much...
And for my BDAY on Jan 29th I planned a SPA day in Mex city posh W hotel. It was named "the most Zen place" in my country! 5 girlfriends already confirmed. It will be nice and I don't care if I have to survive with tuna sandwiches all month just to enjoy that day...
It pays off making an effort to know oneself. I have barely started to do what I enjoy and life has opened doors for me.
I am now being encouraged to take yoga lessons and become a certified instructor. I already have a place to give my classes. I already have some to-be 'students' waiting for me to share what I know. And the only thing I did was ask HP to give me clarity. Just some simple humility. Well here it comes, all the clarity I needed in just one weekend
So this post is not like bragging post, I just want to mention just a few days before this I was crying daily and teary and things looked very very dark and sad for me, and although there are many things I have to work out I am receiving many many gifts and I never saw this coming for me. If anyone is feeling blue HANG IN THERE IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER... but start getting to know yourself... I have to stop being a stranger and even an enemy, to myself... I have been like that all my life and I am tired of that horrible jail... I always held the key to much happiness, I just felt unworthy but now that I am starting to flirt with the wild idea: "perhaps I am worthy of something after all" its just all this beauty and peace coming to me.
Repeat with me: "I deserve everything that is good. EVERYTHING"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((TC))) - it's SOOOOO good to hear you sounding so positive. You DO deserve the best in life, and I totally associate with your feelings about being an enemy to ourselves...putting ourself in jail.
Enjoy the holidays, your upcoming birthday plans, your kitties and everything else. It's been a long time coming, but some of us (ME!) just need that time
Love, hugs and prayers,
Amy
Enjoy the holidays, your upcoming birthday plans, your kitties and everything else. It's been a long time coming, but some of us (ME!) just need that time
Love, hugs and prayers,
Amy
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
((((((((Impurrfect)))))))) I wish you the very best for 2011, give your kittens a hug from me. You are a really good friend dear Impurrfect and have helped me a lot these last couple of years.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks tjp, Phoenix, tobeserene. It is very healing to share hard times, harder times, but also the good times....
The Youtube personality "liferegenerator" says "get high on health.. it's the best high"
I agree
The Youtube personality "liferegenerator" says "get high on health.. it's the best high"
I agree
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Thank you, Taking Charge! The positive energy flowing from your posts is infectious (and fits your screen name. TAKE CHARGE! Woo hoo!! May your 2011 continue to be as empowering and beautiful!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
i do agree about u saying u care about the xbf cos mines phoned me with tears cos of his mum dying and whilst ive been there to listen and lend a sypmathetic ear thats all its been think he wanted more but he aint never getting more than that im much happier way i am now lifes simple and i want it to stay with way made up for u TC your an inspiration xxx
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