jns4211

Hi,

First I want to say thanks in advance, I type very fast and tend to be long-winded, this is going to be much more than a quick read..

I've never once opened up to anyone about what's going to follow and just want some honest feedback.. Please let me know if this makes any sense to you.

In short between forms of addiction to alcohol, drugs, just being pre-disposed to sexual obsession, a lack of self control, combined with the means to behave this way I'm stuck in a nasty rut.. I'm starting to loose control of my "demons" and feel like my whole mentality is corrupted, but can't see how I would enjoy living any other way. I need help, I need advice, I need support.

On one hand I know there's only one way to stop the cycle, on the other hand living that way seems boring and unsustainable.. I don't see the light at the end, sometimes I think though I just don't understand the light because of the addiction..

Here are the details..

I'm a 33 year old guy with a professorial job.. I've structured my life so I can basically work whenever I get in (ie average is probably 1:00 PM) until 8 or so.. perfect for partying until the sun comes up.

Oddly, and nearly unrelated, I did 3 years for selling heroin 10+ years ago (used and sold all sorts of things, just happened to never like heroin but it was good steady income).. Then after my bid I managed to get through a very tough engineering degree after prison, fought my way into a great job, started a life, and on paper am doing fairly well.. **** I'm even good looking..

Always said I'd never want a wife or kids, just wanted to live a low stress life for me.. I've stuck to that plan and I think that part is OK and part of me, however within those boundaries I think I've lost control..

Now days I spend my time & $$ on me - lots of toys with engines, drinking, drugs, and worse.. some very legitimate non-drug-oriented hobbies (I spend about 10% of my life on the saltwater chasing big game, sober pretty much all of the time)..

If I'm not fishing though it's ugly.. lots of drinking, lots of coke, lots of sex, lots of having to sleep off depression for the ****** up thing I did the night before which I even knew I that time I shouldn't have been doing..

I used to be able to have girlfriends, be loyal, and not want to sleep with anyone else besides a couple isolated "normal" urges - was very happy in that state.. now I don't feel right unless I sleep with a minimum of 2-3 girls per week.

When I've got a girl that loves me to death, sober me really loves her, wants to be with her, and would do nothing to hurt her (of course most of the time I meet these girls when I'm drunk).. When I'm ****** up it's just about not getting caught "acting out", then after I cheat on her a few times she is just another means to an end and I never take her seriously again. I just **** through females and do this like 10 times a year, not counting the other 15 who were just legitimate booty calls..

Just a couple nights ago I went to the bar, drank and bumped coke, then when I didn't manage to find a way to get laid I got an escort.. At the time when I was calling her I knew I shouldn't and would regret - it was kinda a game in my head to see if she'd really come, and she did - and it's not even close to the first time I've done that.

The cycle is alcohol then coke then sexual desires takeover. Then I do things I never would sober that I regret. Then I'm unhappy, take a few nights of downtime, but eventually I get the urge and I repeat...

During my downtime I just feel bored, even if I'm smoking weed or something I can only go so many nights watching movies before I feel like going out to socialize.. I drink, then coke, then I'm on a mission to get laid..

My last real girlfriend, from a few years ago, that I lived with for 1.5 years (and had a coke problem herself) basically caught me cheating a couple times and said I was a sex addict.. she was sorta ok with that, but eventually the relationship went to hell as a result.. I think she was onto something but couldn't point the finger due to her own issues..

To make matters worse 99% of my friends, who are honestly decent friends, all party too.. a couple sell coke and I get a huge discount because of my history, and they even front it to me on a monthly basis, so all it takes is for me to make a phone call and grab a few bags, just way too easy.

$$-wise it's insane too. My drinking, drugs, and sex habit consumes enough to pay another mortgage...

Any of the items above would be OK with me, minus the change in my mental state/decisions once I get drunk and put some coke in my system.. I just turn into the devil though.. then I regret my actions.

If some random sober night I wanted to screw a random girl, get an escort, even cheat on a girlfriend, just cause it's fun and I can, there would be nothing but nice thoughts the next day.. but when it isn't OK sober, then later the demons come out and I do anyway, knowing it's gonna screw me up the next day, it's a real ******* problem..

I've honestly had a blast getting to this state, but it's just not healthy anymore.. obviously I need to stop drinking to stop doing coke to return self-control and normal relationships/sex-life..

But how do I spend my friday nights then? I can see for the "family man" how a sober life is great and the whole thing clicks but what is in it for me? Where can I pick up a girl minus the bars? How can it work?

Is it just the addiction that makes a sober future appear so bleak?

I just can't see a life which is both happy & sober for me.. Is that normal?

Thanks again,

John

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

You can do lots of things on your Friday nights. You could look around your community and find a place to do volunteer work, and get to meet some people who don't drink or do drugs. You could take a course. You could join a gym or play sports.

I wish you well!

jns4211

Hi Anna,

Thank you very much, though I just can't imagine most of it.. yes definitely meet people who don't drink or do drugs (what do those people do?)..

Actually I do know a guy who's legitimately in the Hells Angels that quit drinking, so I guess there are all kinds in sobriety as well..

Maybe take a course, kinda hard to think about that being stimulating though..

I feel like I'm just screwed because nothing is interesting which is "normal" anymore.. A very nice girl got me to eat at a papa ginos a couple months ago. I couldn't remember the last time I ate at a place that wasn't a bar and when I kinda laughed at her request she said to me "that's what normal people do!".. I thought she was just weird, maybe she was right?

John

DueSouth

Hi John,

You're not alone in having that kind of lifestyle. The trick is to break the cycle - "how" is the hard part. There are LOADS of really good people here that are far more equipped to offer support than me - but i've replied to you now because I want to put an image into your head..... where are you gonna be when you get older?

Its a scary thought. Nothing worse than an aging alchy/coke head/sex addict.

You're only 33 - you have time and I think by finding this place you've made a really positive step.

Keep posting

M-1

jns4211

Thanks man, much appreciated!

I always figured naturally I'd get tired of the life and would grow out of it, for the same reason I just have no desire to ever touch ecstasy ever again... I can see it's not going that way though.

Instead, periodically I go through this thing where I'm disgusted and "fire" every girl I'm seeing minus one, who I really like and plan on being loyal to - works for like 2 weeks. Then when I'm f'd up I lose control, get some other girls number, and it's back to the same mess just a new fleet.

You guys think I need to see a shrink too, or will it get better after a sober month?

Thanks,

John

AWOL

Hi John

Welcome to the board. I would be very interested to hear about what others in your extended social circle think of your behavior. As one who in the past showed similar patterns of addiction, in answer to your question: Should I see a shrink?, I would say,
"Yes." A pyschotherapist who specializes in addictive behavior would probably be able to give you an objective insight into your current dilemma.

BobGT

Hey John, I think you need some sober time to reevaluate things. Decisions made while drinking/drugging are not always good ones. The trick is to get the sober time, especially if you are addicted.

I would recommend going to some AA and NA meetings and talking to the guys there. They have been where you are now, and they can answer your questions based on their experience.

You will find that like any group of people, you will like some but not others, but the total experience will be worth your time. After all, it doesn't sound like things are that good now.

Anyway, I wish you the best.

Azreal

Sounds like there are multiple issues, only amplified by the substance abuse. I think seeking professional help is a good idea!

Triskal

Back when I was a young man in my twenties when I was in school my roomate and I lived a life similar to yours, we partied like rockstars and screwed around alot, I was bad, he was worse.. when you desribed yourself I see him, he was a tan, good looking guy, had a six pack, and money all the nice clothes, he had it all..everyone liked the guy, even the gay guys hit on him..anyway one night when we were partying he broke down on me and basically confessed he was miserable, just empty inside.. my point is this I believe his behavior was from deep insecurity..maybe you will grow out of this lifestyle maybe not, but I remember many times waking up to different women and feeling empty and like what did you do now, yeah sometimes the sober life can suck, its hard to face life without the crutch, but I know I would never want to go back to that lifestyle..look at Elvis, he had it all, but where was he in the end...just something to think about

DueSouth

hey, there is nothing wrong with shagging around - as long as you and her/him are safe iin doing so.

there is no need to give up on a really active and healthy sex life.

just the means in which you are going about doing it.

Untoxicated

You said a lot right there.

Antiderivative

If you want my $0.02, then I think you need to put down the booze, drugs, and women down for awhile before you dig a deeper hole. Get some clarity, serenity, health, and a different perspective on life.

As for the women, not every woman hangs out in a bar. There are plenty of other ways to meet to them, but it will take time to learn how to meet women sober outside of a bar.

Obviously, you don't think that your current lifestyle will lead to happiness or you wouldn't be here struggling with your demons. It sounds like it might be time to make some positive changes. I don't think those positive changes involves more drinking, drugging, and womanizing. It involves less and probably the point of abstinence since you cannot break this viscous cycle on your own. It is a sign of substance abuse/dependence.

Try some AA/NA meetings (Professional help may be beneficial also, but I don't know. I am not doctor). You may run into some miserable people there, but you will also find some of the most genuinely happy, grateful, and sober people that you ever met who have crawled out of worst situations than yourself and have went on to live very enriched and rewarding lives.

Bests,

drent

Sorry but I dont see a reason to change. Sounds like you are having a great time. Party on man.

KellySad

Drent, I hope you're not serious with that comment. John obviously feels the need to change, and I hope he does.

Kelly

johndelko408

Hey John,
Welcome to SR and I can relate your dilemma. I used to party really hard, I used to love to smoke pot and drink and when I drank I used to like powdering my nose. I used to sell coke so I had it all the time. Like you I suffered from what women call Peter Pan syndrome, its what it sounds like that we don't want to grow up. You say you've already got a good job so that's more than likely why you don't have much motivation to want to give up your lifestyle. You seem to have some sort of desire to want to stop, otherwise I don't think you would be reaching out for help/advice. I never wanted to get married or have kids but I did. I didn't want to stop partying either and I ruined my marriage. I couldn't imagine my life without booze and drugs but I knew deep down inside that I had to stop. I got into recovery (aa and na) and now I can't imagine ever going back to the way I was living. In fact the way I was before I don't even call it living but a mere pitiful existence. You seem to have a lot going for you in life, you say you worked hard to get where you are now. But trust me it doesn't take much to throw it all away. What happens if you get bored of what you're doing now? Will you move on to more serious things? I would honestly give recovery a shot, you really have nothing to lose in doing so. Sobriety is actually a wonderful thing, no more living with the regrets. You have a lot to lose in life if you continue on the path your on and I know you don't want to go back behind the walls. There's many guys in the programs that probably share the same interests as you, fishing. I hear of guys going on fishing trips all the time in AA. Honestly bro, give it a shot, you really have nothing to lose but everything to gain out of it, life.

artsoul

Welcome jns - I'm glad you're reaching out by posting here. This is a great place to start. Addiction is progressive - we need more and more to get the same effect and stopping the progression is very unlikely without help and support.

You're not going to be able to tackle everything at once or imagine what a totally different life would be like. You're going to have to take it one day at a time. It's not going to be comfortable when the urges come up, but there are ways to get through them. Each urge that you don't act on is a step in the right direction and you'll begin to see the benefits from staying clean and sober.

Get all the support you can: professional (doctors, counseling), AA/NA, this forum - even inpatient or outpatient rehab. Addiction can/will ruin your life. BUT - People really do turn their lives around and you can do it too. You can begin the second half of your life in a positive way. Keep reading and posting!!

imatryinhard

You're right DueSouth. Picturing oneself a decade older with the same issues is more than a bit off-putting. That was certaintly what helped me begin my journey to sobriety.

Great response!

Keep posting too!

Untoxicated

John,

I went through a similiar period in my early twenties involving women and some alcohol. I would go through many extremely attractive women at their emotional expense (and eventually mine) and chalk it up to a "healthy sexual desire." Looking back, I was using sex as an escape much like I did with alcohol a few years later.

The whole experience was part of the rush. The thrill of the hunt, gaming women, and of course getting laid. Oddly enough, when I started drinking I didn't care about women anymore because I found a new love. I settled down with a girl because it allowed me to drink and get laid...it was a terrible part of my life.

I'm 34, so we are about the same age and I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I'm glad you are here man, keep posting and reading.

This site has been invaluable in teaching me about myself and I'm confident that you can have the same experience with an open mind and heart.

All the best man,
Untox

blueplanet

I feel the same way about sobriety being potentially boring. I just have a hard time imagining fun without alcohol. From your post you seem smart and able to keep it all together, so I was thinking a good hobby for you may be something like improv or acting? You could socialize and be sober and since it would be new, would definitely not be boring!

I've only been sober 2 months but as for the other relationship issues, just remember the golden rule- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I wish you all the best!

Maryjan

I do think it's the addictive personality telling you life is boring without the booze, etc. Give yourself a week where you buy and do whatever the he'll you want with no booze or coke...reward yourself for being healthy...it's an idea?