theuncertainty

Definitely not an enlightened moment. XAH's GF is supposed to pick up DS for a supervised visit tomorrow for Christmas Eve. Previous weeks I've received an email from her at the beginning of the week confirming when and asking for Ds's winter gear. Nada this week. Holidays are a major excuse for XAH to drink and drink hard (nothing unique there). So....

I think I twisted the handle on his excuses and possibly their relationship a bit earlier today.

I sent an email to the GF asking if they were still picking up DS, and asked if they were taking him to XAH's annual family friends' Christmas Eve gathering. (More like family and always non-alcoholic.).

Thing is, while XAH has made it a point to do with her all the things I begged him to do, he has never taken her to family events. His sister didn't even know about her until they'd been living together 8 months....

I sincerely didn't mean to do that. Not consciously anyway. I didn't realize the non-family/GF thing until now. I feel like sh-t.

I don't think she's realized the family thing yet. Do I apologize?

Floss

If you didn't intend to hurt or "twist the handle" intentionally, I think, don't worry about it (as long as it won't adversely affect your DS in any way by the ex taking it out on him in some way or you?). The GF would have found out anyway some time down the track. In any case, it's their crap to sort out and I don't think an apology is necessary. Merry Christmas to you Uncertainty!

theuncertainty

I'm never entirely sure what XAH will do. It's one reason I pushed for supervised visits once I found out they were an option....

I feel entirely passive-aggressive, because I also realized that I think that once GF is out of the picture with XAH, he'll disappear for at least a little bit. And by the time he resurfaces I can have a new safety plan in place. At least on some level I do feel like I just lobbed a grenade to her side of the street.

If he does try to take it out on her or DS, she's supposed to report it to the court. I'm not sure if she would or not, but she'd at least get DS out of the room.

Thanks, Floss. Merry Christmas to you as well!

Floss

Hopefully it will all blow over with no repercussions. I can understand your wanting XAH to disappear for a while. Sometimes it gets very hard having to deal with them on a continual basis...Thanks for my Christmas wishes!

transformyself

I"m not sure of what your supposed transgression was, maybe I haven't had enough coffee yet this morning. I just stopped by to tell you to knock it off and stop beating yourself up. Take that back-you ARE a great person and stop trying to convince us otherwise.

So what, you sent an email? So what? You may have intentionally or unintentionally told the GF about something she didn't know about?

You're worried about your kid Dude! And dealing with the insanity of alcoholism, as it applies to your child.

Give yourself a break!~

Phoenixthebird

theuncertainty, Somehow something is missing for me in your description. Are you just assuming that the XAH's GF didn't know about the annual family friends' Christmas Eve gathering ? I'm gathering from your post that you actually are questioning, without any facts to back up your question, that she wasn't told about the annual family friends' Christmas Eve gathering? Sometimes the word assume, can make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"! It sounds like to me, you are not certain about the facts, she may have be told or she was going to be told. I consider your email to the GF was innocently written to her. It might even turn out to be more embarrassing for you to apologize, but she had already been told. I suggest you need not say anything; act innocent!

Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Phoenix

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coyote21

^^^Yes, what she said, knock it off. You didn't do anything intentionally to monkey-up his relationship (ha, like he needs YOUR help).

I think you ARE a pretty great person, and seriously, truth be known, I don't like THAT many people.

This sounds like one of those situations where my mind goes down one of those worm holes and takes off on some self-loathing codie tangent. This is one of those things you DO have complete control over, stop the self-flagellation, K?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

transformyself

please. Seriously? What? Did I miss the announcement? Is today "tell a little fib" day? Or have I got everyone here pegged wrongly?

Could it be possible that Uncertainty ISN'T a great person?
That Coyote DOESN'T like very many people?
Ok, sure. Just to let the cat out of the bag, thought I'd let you all know that I'm an Angelican Nun who has taken a vow of silence. And abstinence. From sex, drugs, swearing and rock and roll...

Better straighten up people, or Santa won't be bringing a few Codies their presents!

transformyself

And I am sorry for TJ your thread UC-I'm sure you're upset about the way you handled that. It's the holidays, Girl. Emotions are easily escalated. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

Lots of hugs and prayers your way...

StarCat

You are innocent. It was an innocent question, sent without meaning to be passive-aggressive or vindictive or anything. You wanted to know if your child was attending an annual event, and since she's the sober one, she's the one you asked.

You don't know if he did or didn't tell her, you don't know if he meant or didn't mean to tell her, and you don't know if he meant to take her as a surprise. You don't even know for sure if they're still together.

You did nothing wrong.

BuffaloGal

Gracious, no. If your aexh did not tell her about the family to-do, that is not a situation you have contributed to and you aren't obligated to tippy toe around it. The results are his problem. Your motives seem fine to me.

And I'm not a great person either, in a lot of ways. It's a relief to admit it and get in touch with my inner Grinch in peace

theuncertainty

Thanks, all. Yes, I did assume that he hadn't told her about the family thing, but it was a guess. And just because that's how he handled stuff with her before, it may not be how he's handling stuff now....

And I really do need to stop following those thoughts down the rabbit hole.

But since I did, And now that I think of it, I can imagine what the reception at the family to do would be like. I think, I know, they'd be grilled just as hard as they were during the divorce. And the heads of the family (very religious) would have plenty to say about them living in sin. At least they did before XAH and I got married.


Still no response from her. Which, truth be told, is kind of p-ssing me off. So, I'm sitting watching DS sleep (he's gorgeous) and wondering if I have to wake him up.... Yes, I guess I will, just in case. If she doesn't show, well, he can come to the coffee shop with me and friends.

I'll be back in a bit. Thanks, everyone.

Live

It's the Holidays~when has an A not mucked up the Holidays?

theuncertainty

Well, she came and picked up DS. She had gotten the email, but they don't know what they're going to do. When I was still with him, that was code for XAH is pulling a tantrum. But she's not me and as long as she keeps DS safe, well, that's all that is my business.

I'm a lot more emotional than I thought I would be. I mean DS and I have been on our own for years. All that's changed is a couple pieces of paper.

It means a lot to me that I have friends here. I still catch his voice telling me I'm silly, or see him giving me the are you kidding look when I'd tell him about running into some one and talking. But I'm starting to catch the disparaging thoughts now and they don't have quite as much weight. Not sure why this one got as far as it did....

Btw, I finally got the judge-signed, court certified copy of the divorce decree. Now I get to start changing my name on everything. Maybe I'll see if I can take a few days next week to get the big ones started.

Ok getting those papers probably has a lot to do with the emotions running all over the place. Good news is I have the day to myself and am going out for coffee with friends and to watch the last minute shoppers. And it sounds like my sister and her family will be home today so I won't be alone.