New relationship-think I am doing OK
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
New relationship-think I am doing OK
I have been seeing this man a little over 3 months I think. We just hung out and had coffee, took the dogs for walks and then after 2 weeks he took a powder. I found out from a friend this is not uncommon (see, still trying to figure out normal--oh, cuz this was online dating thing). Chalked it up to lesson learned and went about my business. He called back and we just sort of hung out again and fairly soon after that I asked why he took a powder and he said "your kids". He was having a hard time getting around the fact that I had limited time. He changed his mind because he really liked hanging out with me and also because he knew if we had plans and his daughter called it would not bother me if he called and cancelled them so he could be with her-which is true.
So we have been doing the get together once a week and every other weekend and genuinely enjoying each other's company and talking on the phone after the kids have gone to bed. In the past couple weeks he has said things like "if you were to live somewhere else where would it be?", "would you ever stay home to take care of your kids if you were able to financially?" and things along those lines.
So this past weekend I thought-OK this is going up a notch here. We really seem to be able to talk about pretty much anything and he does not try to argue me out of my opinion (nice change of pace). We were talking about the things we find important in a person we may consider to be someone we would want to make a commitment to and I told him honesty was at the top of my list and his response was that sometimes it is hard to be honest. I asked why and he said-well because it is scary and you don't know the outcome. I told him that whether he was honest then or honest in 10 months-the outcome would be exactly the same and it made sense (to me) that if thinking about getting into a committed relationship (and we are not talking marriage here-just not dating anyone else and really deciding to get to know the other person beyond the superficial level) that people should be honest up front.
He takes a deep breath and says-well then I am going to be honest with you about something-and I am thinking OK, here it comes (he knows my history). It was not what I thought it was going to be. He said he really wanted to meet my kids. That they were such an important part of my life and we have talked about them so much--he wants to know them. I said fair enough--but you will have to do it on my terms. We will meet in a round about sort of way and we are friends--not involved in an adult relationshop (in other words-no PDAs). It would have to be very casual so there is not a big uncomfortable--OK, now what feeling. And that I would be calling all the shots on if and when he could see my kids.
He said-OK. I will do it in whatever way you think is best. You set all the rules. So we decided that on Sunday we would go sledding (I got some snowboards for the kids off FreeCycle--gotta love FreeCycle) and he would show up with his dog and IF IT WAS OK WITH THE KIDS he could join us. If they were uncomfortable he could not. Got another OK.
So far so good-staying in my boundaries and doing things in a way that will be OK for the kids. I went to his house on Tuesday and he said he had some more things he needed to talk to me about. Now I am thinking--OK, maybe I should have kept my big mouth shut
He tells me the reason he has been asking all the questions he has been asking is he has been "thinking about" what it would be like if we lived together. That he made enough money that if I wanted to, I could stay home with the kids. Aside from the fact that that would be totally alien to me since I am the one who works to make the money and the man stays home and drinks and drugs. . .I don't want to stay home. My kids are in school. I let him know that. He had LOTS to be honest about. He has been thinking about this A LOT.
When he was done I told him that each of the things he had talked about would each require a very serious discussion and that there would be no moving in together--should we discover we want to do that--for quite a while. He asked me if I thought the kids would like him and IF we decided to live together would that make them uncomfortable. I just looked at him and smiled and said I was willing to do one thing and that was to go sledding on Sunday and smilled. He just laughed at me and said--OK. I just have been thinking about this so I thought I would tell you.
Having a history of leaping before I look-this conversation was a milestone for me. I did not even discuss any of the things he brought up Tuesday except to say at some point in time-if we got to that point-we could talk about what was relevant at THAT point in time.
He's different. He did not try to argue with me. He did not try to manipulate me. He acknowledged that it was my call to make decisions about when and how the kids would get to know him. Then he just smiled and said he really liked me and liked that I was so honest. That he was right-it is scary to talk about things honestly but he liked that I said what I meant and I meant what I said.
I am not seeing any red flags when it comes to alcohol. He works for a living and loves his job. He is NOT even close to the kind of guy I would have "picked out" in the past.
So another step toward my recovery. Being honest and holding my ground--keeping my boundaries firmly in place.
So we have been doing the get together once a week and every other weekend and genuinely enjoying each other's company and talking on the phone after the kids have gone to bed. In the past couple weeks he has said things like "if you were to live somewhere else where would it be?", "would you ever stay home to take care of your kids if you were able to financially?" and things along those lines.
So this past weekend I thought-OK this is going up a notch here. We really seem to be able to talk about pretty much anything and he does not try to argue me out of my opinion (nice change of pace). We were talking about the things we find important in a person we may consider to be someone we would want to make a commitment to and I told him honesty was at the top of my list and his response was that sometimes it is hard to be honest. I asked why and he said-well because it is scary and you don't know the outcome. I told him that whether he was honest then or honest in 10 months-the outcome would be exactly the same and it made sense (to me) that if thinking about getting into a committed relationship (and we are not talking marriage here-just not dating anyone else and really deciding to get to know the other person beyond the superficial level) that people should be honest up front.
He takes a deep breath and says-well then I am going to be honest with you about something-and I am thinking OK, here it comes (he knows my history). It was not what I thought it was going to be. He said he really wanted to meet my kids. That they were such an important part of my life and we have talked about them so much--he wants to know them. I said fair enough--but you will have to do it on my terms. We will meet in a round about sort of way and we are friends--not involved in an adult relationshop (in other words-no PDAs). It would have to be very casual so there is not a big uncomfortable--OK, now what feeling. And that I would be calling all the shots on if and when he could see my kids.
He said-OK. I will do it in whatever way you think is best. You set all the rules. So we decided that on Sunday we would go sledding (I got some snowboards for the kids off FreeCycle--gotta love FreeCycle) and he would show up with his dog and IF IT WAS OK WITH THE KIDS he could join us. If they were uncomfortable he could not. Got another OK.
So far so good-staying in my boundaries and doing things in a way that will be OK for the kids. I went to his house on Tuesday and he said he had some more things he needed to talk to me about. Now I am thinking--OK, maybe I should have kept my big mouth shut
He tells me the reason he has been asking all the questions he has been asking is he has been "thinking about" what it would be like if we lived together. That he made enough money that if I wanted to, I could stay home with the kids. Aside from the fact that that would be totally alien to me since I am the one who works to make the money and the man stays home and drinks and drugs. . .I don't want to stay home. My kids are in school. I let him know that. He had LOTS to be honest about. He has been thinking about this A LOT.
When he was done I told him that each of the things he had talked about would each require a very serious discussion and that there would be no moving in together--should we discover we want to do that--for quite a while. He asked me if I thought the kids would like him and IF we decided to live together would that make them uncomfortable. I just looked at him and smiled and said I was willing to do one thing and that was to go sledding on Sunday and smilled. He just laughed at me and said--OK. I just have been thinking about this so I thought I would tell you.
Having a history of leaping before I look-this conversation was a milestone for me. I did not even discuss any of the things he brought up Tuesday except to say at some point in time-if we got to that point-we could talk about what was relevant at THAT point in time.
He's different. He did not try to argue with me. He did not try to manipulate me. He acknowledged that it was my call to make decisions about when and how the kids would get to know him. Then he just smiled and said he really liked me and liked that I was so honest. That he was right-it is scary to talk about things honestly but he liked that I said what I meant and I meant what I said.
I am not seeing any red flags when it comes to alcohol. He works for a living and loves his job. He is NOT even close to the kind of guy I would have "picked out" in the past.
So another step toward my recovery. Being honest and holding my ground--keeping my boundaries firmly in place.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You are an inspiration!! 
After playing hostage in two "living together" situations I agree with your plans to take it very very slow... keep trusting your gut and let us know how the sledding goes it is fantastic when you meet someone who respects you.
Honesty is refreshing. I am still toasting with cranberry juice!
After playing hostage in two "living together" situations I agree with your plans to take it very very slow... keep trusting your gut and let us know how the sledding goes
it is fantastic when you meet someone who respects you.Honesty is refreshing. I am still toasting with cranberry juice!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
He sounds like a very sweet guy. Respecting your boundaries with the kids and letting you control that situation says a lot.
Glad it is working out! Best to go slow. For me, three months is too soon for the moving in talk but I understand people go at different speeds. And if it is mutual then trust your gut.
I'm toasting my coffee cup to you.
Ah, l'amour!
Glad it is working out! Best to go slow. For me, three months is too soon for the moving in talk but I understand people go at different speeds. And if it is mutual then trust your gut.
I'm toasting my coffee cup to you.
Ah, l'amour!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: crestline, california
Posts: 17
And bravo to you...that looking before your leap part. Excellent. This whole story tells me something..you have moved past any fear of abandonment or rejection. You've decided what you have to do to properly care for yourself and your kids. That is remarkable. Honor thyself, always. Peace.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Taking a powder is to leave--usually fairly abruptly to avoid something. Or when you want someone to go away you tell them to take a powder (sort of like telling someone to scram). Not sure where it came from.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
WOW.....you are a huge power of example! I'm so impressed!
You'll appreciate this:
Alcoholic is at a party and his best friend says "I want to introduce you to a very pretty woman". As the alcoholic puts out his hand to the woman, his friend says she's visiting from Chicago.
The alcoholic quickly pulls his hand away. The friend says, "HUH? Why did you do that?"
The alcoholic says "cause I don't want to live in Chicago!!"
You'll appreciate this:
Alcoholic is at a party and his best friend says "I want to introduce you to a very pretty woman". As the alcoholic puts out his hand to the woman, his friend says she's visiting from Chicago.
The alcoholic quickly pulls his hand away. The friend says, "HUH? Why did you do that?"
The alcoholic says "cause I don't want to live in Chicago!!"
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