Returning from out there
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Returning from out there
Hello. I used to be regular here but havent been around in a long time.
Just reading the titles of half these posts brought tears to my eyes. I just had my 7th wedding anniversary pass although my husband and I are not together.
Im posting because Im a different person than when I started here 6 years ago and Ive learned important factors the hard way, by not listening. I want to change my screen name and probably will but first wanted the others whove been here forever to know Im ok. Im more than ok.
My husband was the guy who rode in on the white horse to rescue my small children and I. He also is an alcoholic and crack head. We've been through it all. I recently filed my 2nd permanent injunction (restraining order) which he didnt show for th hearing (working and telling judge it was for childsupport, was the letter Judge got) lol that truly is funny, I doubt Ive received $200 help in 4 or 5 years and had much more taken. This time I had an attorney and the Judge made me promise not to come back for a dismissal, the deputy hugged me and said, dont do it, hes classic control.
See Ive learned something very important, besides we canot save them, chane them and the never agains last a short time, with my marriage there was another issue. Now thing back from the very beginning I was a classic victim in waiting. He took control fro day 1, it made me feel safe, I didnt recognize it as control.
As years went on, control esculated , for one I was always accused of being a control freak, I almost believed it. I was not. In time control turned to whatever it took to getting his way, blocking my exit, holding me or my mouth(to protect me from myself, I was crazy and out of control...NOT) but I believed it. The came pushing and shoving...by accident...and your clumsy, oops, didnt see you in fridge when I slammed the door. I wont go into more detail because those are the highlights and never close together.
Being held to listen, being "accidentaly" pushed, especially hard enough to bruise your knee caps and other tactics, heck just taking phone and preventing from walking out of a room is domestic violence and sadly it always gets worse, ALWAYS. Why, its learned behavior, sometimes we learn it back, and if we have kids, they learn it too.
I cannot even tell you what my breaking point was. I think it was words of manipulation said to my then 12 yr old turning 13, and as we pulled away he said MOM, hes controlling you, hes lying dont listen, this is wrong. ( a child who grew up in this had finally had enough) I didnt go home that night, or for the next 5 weeks. I took my kids, very few clothes and left the house my grandfather bought, my beloved pets and all my things and just walked away. Eventually he ODed (he says alcohol poisoning ER bill shows stomach pumped...) He the for a momentarily fear for his own life, let me have house. Ployed his family once again he was serious about wanting help and they took hi in, I got a foodles house with wter and electric ready to be shut off that week, and I cleaned for days before I let kids in, the smell permeats everything.
A month later, no rehab, no detox, he relapsed and showed at my house, no violence but yelling refused to leave, my son called police, AH made mistake of admitting he voluntarily moved out a month before (Previously police arguesd he was a resident, when he ODed they would even let me feed my own dogs) 2nd injunction filed next day. MIL screamed at my mom I was habitual liar and severe bipolar. See AH had convinced me of this and I felt like it.
I see several doctors, adn the only person in this relationship medically diagnosed bipolar is AH (his lithium and alcohol seems to mix so well...NOT)
I was diagnosed as severe panic disorder brought on by extreme stress and PTSD.
A month on proper meds I was a different person. I also go to a domestic violence support group weekly.
Please if your partners or addicts in your life have you second guessing yourself, or try to take control of the situation, seek help even slowly, read on emotional abuse and verbal, beccause it starts there. Everyone in my group is beautiful bright and intelligent, we all wonder how we got there, and we know, it all started subtley, by the time it escualtes you feel frozen.
Ill write more later. I just wanted to start there. My AH and I have been apart more than 3 months, my and our children are commenting how different life is. If you think the kids dont know, you are probably wrong.
After I left I had a friend of a friend stop me and say, you know what happens if you go back or stay to long? Eventualy your child, even young attempts to protect you, those results from a drunk in a rage....well I wont even go through what he had 5 separate people tell me they experienced as a young teen in just that situation
I love you all, and Ill write more later, those of you who rmemeber me, know me and the boys are doing really well and NO I will in no way go back this time. Judge very clearly said, Hon, Ive beenig doing this 45 years, what you describe may sem mild but its a pattern, the next time you open that door, truly might be your last.
Just reading the titles of half these posts brought tears to my eyes. I just had my 7th wedding anniversary pass although my husband and I are not together.
Im posting because Im a different person than when I started here 6 years ago and Ive learned important factors the hard way, by not listening. I want to change my screen name and probably will but first wanted the others whove been here forever to know Im ok. Im more than ok.
My husband was the guy who rode in on the white horse to rescue my small children and I. He also is an alcoholic and crack head. We've been through it all. I recently filed my 2nd permanent injunction (restraining order) which he didnt show for th hearing (working and telling judge it was for childsupport, was the letter Judge got) lol that truly is funny, I doubt Ive received $200 help in 4 or 5 years and had much more taken. This time I had an attorney and the Judge made me promise not to come back for a dismissal, the deputy hugged me and said, dont do it, hes classic control.
See Ive learned something very important, besides we canot save them, chane them and the never agains last a short time, with my marriage there was another issue. Now thing back from the very beginning I was a classic victim in waiting. He took control fro day 1, it made me feel safe, I didnt recognize it as control.
As years went on, control esculated , for one I was always accused of being a control freak, I almost believed it. I was not. In time control turned to whatever it took to getting his way, blocking my exit, holding me or my mouth(to protect me from myself, I was crazy and out of control...NOT) but I believed it. The came pushing and shoving...by accident...and your clumsy, oops, didnt see you in fridge when I slammed the door. I wont go into more detail because those are the highlights and never close together.
Being held to listen, being "accidentaly" pushed, especially hard enough to bruise your knee caps and other tactics, heck just taking phone and preventing from walking out of a room is domestic violence and sadly it always gets worse, ALWAYS. Why, its learned behavior, sometimes we learn it back, and if we have kids, they learn it too.
I cannot even tell you what my breaking point was. I think it was words of manipulation said to my then 12 yr old turning 13, and as we pulled away he said MOM, hes controlling you, hes lying dont listen, this is wrong. ( a child who grew up in this had finally had enough) I didnt go home that night, or for the next 5 weeks. I took my kids, very few clothes and left the house my grandfather bought, my beloved pets and all my things and just walked away. Eventually he ODed (he says alcohol poisoning ER bill shows stomach pumped...) He the for a momentarily fear for his own life, let me have house. Ployed his family once again he was serious about wanting help and they took hi in, I got a foodles house with wter and electric ready to be shut off that week, and I cleaned for days before I let kids in, the smell permeats everything.
A month later, no rehab, no detox, he relapsed and showed at my house, no violence but yelling refused to leave, my son called police, AH made mistake of admitting he voluntarily moved out a month before (Previously police arguesd he was a resident, when he ODed they would even let me feed my own dogs) 2nd injunction filed next day. MIL screamed at my mom I was habitual liar and severe bipolar. See AH had convinced me of this and I felt like it.
I see several doctors, adn the only person in this relationship medically diagnosed bipolar is AH (his lithium and alcohol seems to mix so well...NOT)
I was diagnosed as severe panic disorder brought on by extreme stress and PTSD.
A month on proper meds I was a different person. I also go to a domestic violence support group weekly.
Please if your partners or addicts in your life have you second guessing yourself, or try to take control of the situation, seek help even slowly, read on emotional abuse and verbal, beccause it starts there. Everyone in my group is beautiful bright and intelligent, we all wonder how we got there, and we know, it all started subtley, by the time it escualtes you feel frozen.
Ill write more later. I just wanted to start there. My AH and I have been apart more than 3 months, my and our children are commenting how different life is. If you think the kids dont know, you are probably wrong.
After I left I had a friend of a friend stop me and say, you know what happens if you go back or stay to long? Eventualy your child, even young attempts to protect you, those results from a drunk in a rage....well I wont even go through what he had 5 separate people tell me they experienced as a young teen in just that situation
I love you all, and Ill write more later, those of you who rmemeber me, know me and the boys are doing really well and NO I will in no way go back this time. Judge very clearly said, Hon, Ive beenig doing this 45 years, what you describe may sem mild but its a pattern, the next time you open that door, truly might be your last.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I'm sooo glad you found your way back here because being in that craziness has caused many a family member to lose their way permanently!!
Keep coming back. Many of us here have had to go "out there" for a while.
Keep coming back. Many of us here have had to go "out there" for a while.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
(((((Cindi )))))
I am so proud for YOU!!
This has been a long, hard path for you - I know that you have tried everything you can to try to do what you thought was best for you, for your boys and even for your AH.
You have a warm, beautiful, caring heart - I pray for healing for you & your boys - even for AH to get the help he needs.
Most of all for you to continue your amazing path thru recovery!!
Thank you so much for sharing this!!
You are a very very brave woman and DON'T allow ANYONE to ever tell you otherwise!!!!
PINK HUGS!!
Rita
I am so proud for YOU!!
This has been a long, hard path for you - I know that you have tried everything you can to try to do what you thought was best for you, for your boys and even for your AH.
You have a warm, beautiful, caring heart - I pray for healing for you & your boys - even for AH to get the help he needs.
Most of all for you to continue your amazing path thru recovery!!
Thank you so much for sharing this!!
You are a very very brave woman and DON'T allow ANYONE to ever tell you otherwise!!!!
PINK HUGS!!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cinderellawkids 
Judge very clearly said, Hon, Ive beenig doing this 45 years, what you describe may sem mild but its a pattern, the next time you open that door, truly might be your last.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by cinderellawkids
Im posting because Im a different person than when I started here 6 years ago and Ive learned important factors the hard way, by not listening.
Like the addict we try to do things our way even though those that have walked the path before us clearly light the path for us to see the way.
Cinderella,
This is an amazing post. I am so very happy for you and your children. There is a lot to be learned from what you shared here. The fairytale isn't the knight in shining armor coming to the rescue. It is the damsel in distress who finds her own way out of the dark, damp tower, slays the dragon and embarks on a journey into freedom.
Rock on!
Passion
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome home Cinderellawkids 
Your post made me cry. Not out of sadness for how you are today, because you are a strong woman today who knows how to take care of herself and her kids. But sad for what you went through, and how hard it was for you to get to this safe and better place.
You and your kids have always been in my prayers. Know that anytime you feel alone in all this.
I'm so glad you are back here too. There are so many newcomers who need to hear your story, and how you fought your way out of an abusive relationship. They need you to share your hope and strength and your light when they cannot find their own.
Welcome home, sweetie. And Merry Christmas.
Hugs
Your post made me cry. Not out of sadness for how you are today, because you are a strong woman today who knows how to take care of herself and her kids. But sad for what you went through, and how hard it was for you to get to this safe and better place.
You and your kids have always been in my prayers. Know that anytime you feel alone in all this.
I'm so glad you are back here too. There are so many newcomers who need to hear your story, and how you fought your way out of an abusive relationship. They need you to share your hope and strength and your light when they cannot find their own.
Welcome home, sweetie. And Merry Christmas.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Cindi))) - welcome home, sweetie
You and the boys have always been in my prayers, too, and I'm really glad that you see that you deserve to be away from the insanity. Sometimes it takes us a lot to get to that point, we are essentially brainwashed in our codie-ness to believe what we're told by A's.
Have a VERY Merry Christmas!!
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
You and the boys have always been in my prayers, too, and I'm really glad that you see that you deserve to be away from the insanity. Sometimes it takes us a lot to get to that point, we are essentially brainwashed in our codie-ness to believe what we're told by A's.
Have a VERY Merry Christmas!!
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
So good to hear from you Cindi! My oldest daughter called the police when my exAH
was out of control. That was the moment I finally got it too.... that my kids didn't
need to go through this cycle one more time. He left and its been over two years now.
Being alone is so much better than living with the drama. I finally learned we can't save them... they can only save themselves. I tried for way too long and sacrificed my sanity and the childrens... today we are happy though!
Merry Christmas Cindi!
was out of control. That was the moment I finally got it too.... that my kids didn't
need to go through this cycle one more time. He left and its been over two years now.
Being alone is so much better than living with the drama. I finally learned we can't save them... they can only save themselves. I tried for way too long and sacrificed my sanity and the childrens... today we are happy though!
Merry Christmas Cindi!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I wanted to come back and write a little more. This year we just ended has been huge for me. I realized and accepted I could no longer be with AH, no matter the cost, and I lost my father who I barely knew due to his depression and always influence of pain pills (something I couldnt handle at all with my own issues).
I think finally dealing with loss of dad and grief issues helped me with my AH, or at least helped me with me enough to see who I was and how I was trying to fix childhood through AH.
I love my husband very much even though I may never see him again. I realized too emotional abuse, runs deep, way deep and we take on some of the behavior around us. Funny still to me, because until 4 months ago, I had no idea what I was dealing with was considered abuse, and I was guilty of it as well. Emotional abuse can kill silently, inside out. The night I left I was hysterical and in an emotional rage, all on meds prescribed to stop this , strong ones. It was my mom who said, you like this even on meds are going to end up in a psych hospital that's what the stress is doing to you. When I didnt return home but saw my dr a week later, he said she was 100% correct. He upped my meds slightly and said, try to stay strong, stay at, and get your kids in a routine fast, for them.
I read through the posts on this site and cry out for most of you I feel your pain, and I can only promise that only you can change it, and you are all strong enough whether or not you like the result. My mother in law, told me Friday it should ease my mind AH moved a few hours away and is working, hes not gona bother me. I looked her in the eye and said, it wont ease my mind until I know he's getting better. I want the best for him. I havent 100% closed the chapter on our lives, but I do seriously realize it could be years of self work for both of us before we could ever even consider a relationship.
I admit my part. After years of living in a home with active addiction, the emotional and verbal abuse, the financial insecurity the fear, and scrambling for whats missing or hiding the keys, it makes us a different person. I catch myself acting irrationally to a small situation sometimes and I know its part of codependency and part of what I have to still change, I put out the fire, but if I dont get the coals to stop smoldering my sons are destined to carry on the learned behavior to their families.
I love you all and sincerely hope you the best. But please remember, addiction and its affects dont disappear, if someones not actively working a program to stay clean, the disease only intensifies and takes down with it all who are around.
BTW, someone used to mistake my name for Cinderellawalks. I would kinda like to change my user name to something like that with an a/k/a, do I just register like a new person?
I think finally dealing with loss of dad and grief issues helped me with my AH, or at least helped me with me enough to see who I was and how I was trying to fix childhood through AH.
I love my husband very much even though I may never see him again. I realized too emotional abuse, runs deep, way deep and we take on some of the behavior around us. Funny still to me, because until 4 months ago, I had no idea what I was dealing with was considered abuse, and I was guilty of it as well. Emotional abuse can kill silently, inside out. The night I left I was hysterical and in an emotional rage, all on meds prescribed to stop this , strong ones. It was my mom who said, you like this even on meds are going to end up in a psych hospital that's what the stress is doing to you. When I didnt return home but saw my dr a week later, he said she was 100% correct. He upped my meds slightly and said, try to stay strong, stay at, and get your kids in a routine fast, for them.
I read through the posts on this site and cry out for most of you I feel your pain, and I can only promise that only you can change it, and you are all strong enough whether or not you like the result. My mother in law, told me Friday it should ease my mind AH moved a few hours away and is working, hes not gona bother me. I looked her in the eye and said, it wont ease my mind until I know he's getting better. I want the best for him. I havent 100% closed the chapter on our lives, but I do seriously realize it could be years of self work for both of us before we could ever even consider a relationship.
I admit my part. After years of living in a home with active addiction, the emotional and verbal abuse, the financial insecurity the fear, and scrambling for whats missing or hiding the keys, it makes us a different person. I catch myself acting irrationally to a small situation sometimes and I know its part of codependency and part of what I have to still change, I put out the fire, but if I dont get the coals to stop smoldering my sons are destined to carry on the learned behavior to their families.
I love you all and sincerely hope you the best. But please remember, addiction and its affects dont disappear, if someones not actively working a program to stay clean, the disease only intensifies and takes down with it all who are around.
BTW, someone used to mistake my name for Cinderellawalks. I would kinda like to change my user name to something like that with an a/k/a, do I just register like a new person?
Last edited by cinderellawkids; 01-02-2011 at 04:30 AM. Reason: forgot something
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome back. Powerful powerful post. Thank you for sharing. I'll look forward to more ESH from you!
You can change your name without reregistering. PM one of the moderators and they should be able to help you.
You've walked a long and difficult path.........Cinderellawalks.......sounds tall and proud. And you should be just that....tall, proud and confident.
gentle hugs
You can change your name without reregistering. PM one of the moderators and they should be able to help you.
You've walked a long and difficult path.........Cinderellawalks.......sounds tall and proud. And you should be just that....tall, proud and confident.
gentle hugs
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