BumblingAlong

I'm sure many of you will roll your eyes when you read this, but I've come to realize something.

Every time my XRBF calls, it sends me into a tailspin for days. There is a definite connection between contact and my low mood.

This time, it wasn't a call, but an e-mail wishing me a Merry Christmas.

I start thinking about past Christmases and how they were special to me. And I feel blue and lonely and unwanted. Kinda like the kid that nobody chooses for their baseball team.

Most of the time, I feel okay. Not great. Not terrible. Just okay.

Today - I am happy to have a million things to do in the next few days getting ready for Christmas.

I realize though, that I can't have contact with him. It hurts too much. And it stops me from feeling good about myself. It's damaging.

God grant me the serenity....

nodaybut2day

That's not a QUASI-epiphany...it's a real one! You're starting to realize that he is toxic for you, and that the best thing to do in order to heal is to stay the heck away.

stella27

It is a real epiphany, like noday says. It is the first step in protecting yourself and your heart from him.

Good job!I have a friend in your situation and she still thinks she can talk and explain him into acting better. I wish she were as far along as you are.

Redheadsusie

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I am right there with you! My Ah moved out last week and today he put a Christmas Card on the door and it made me cry- he texted me and that made me feel sad too. The contact makes me question my decision and makes me feel bad like you so I can't have contact. I am sure you are wonderful and special and there are many more wonderful special memories to come! Hugs!

fourmaggie

be strong....remember the effects this relationship DID have on you....it was a toxic one..so now you are setting boundaries....maybe apply LET GO and LET GOD...stop wasting your energy on this pain you have for him.....THIS TOO SHALL PASS...

sure hope you are going to AL ANON....

PEACE

Phoenixthebird

BumblingAlong, "A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step." Learning to detach with love doesn't happen over night. It's a process that requires us to work our Steps, and repetition and belief in the Serenity Prayer!

It reminds me of the the Aesop's fable "The Hare and the Tortoise".

The Hare was once boasting of his speed before the other animals. "I have never yet been beaten," said he, "when I put forth my full speed. I challenge any one here to race with me."

The Tortoise said quietly, "I accept your challenge."

"That is a good joke," said the Hare; "I could dance round you all the way."

"Keep your boasting till you've beaten," answered the Tortoise. "Shall we race?"

So a course was fixed and a start was made. The Hare darted almost out of sight at once, but soon stopped and, to show his contempt for the Tortoise, lay down to have a nap. The Tortoise plodded on and plodded on, and when the Hare awoke from his nap, he saw the Tortoise just near the winning-post and could not run up in time to save the race. Then said the Tortoise:

"Plodding wins the race."

Love and Peace,
Phoenix

posiesperson

Oh, BA, I'm right there with you, too.

Congratulations on finding such clarity, and the new wish of treating yourself differently, and better!

Hugs,
posie

Babyblue

If it is any consolation, I'm feeling very down in the dumps as well. There is something about the holidays that all those feelings of isolation come up for lots of people.

Hang in there! It is just one holiday of many more that will be happy

BumblingAlong

Thanks everyone! Funny how reading your posts makes me realize that I have started moving in the right direction.

Thank you to everyone. Merry Christmas my dear friends. May you all feel peace and happiness!