AlaskaGirl

I signed up on this site in July of this year. I thought I was ready to quit drinking and get healthy in body and spirit.

So what did I do? I stopped for about a week, then started drinking more than ever before. I discovered a supplement that helps with my hangovers, so the physical pain from my drinking isn't as bad. The emotional pain is worse than ever though.

I hate this. I don't understand why I am like this. I am so, so scared and tired of this life. I don't want to go to AA, I don't want to admit to my family that I have a problem. I think they suspect, but I hide it enough that they aren't sure. Not sure what I am looking for by posting today. I am just do damn sad.

KellySad

I was like you, AlaskaGirl....I joined AA, the support there is great.

Why don't you check out an AA meeting?

Good luck,

Kelly

JackNWA

Like you, I didn't "want" to do any of it. But toward the end my choices became more and more limited. I had to do something, weather I wanted to in the beginning or not. Keep coming back!

littlefish

I think people are telling you to remove some of those "don't want to's" from your list.
Working a program is work, getting and staying sober is work...but work is good.
It keeps us healthy.
Stay with us and get better!

SSIL75

It's tough coming clean with friends/family. Do whatever you need to do to stop drinking. For now that might be not telling them. And there are alternatives to AA.

I can totally relate to your reservations but I used some of those as excuses not to take responsibility for my actions. Just be honest with yourself

(FTR I am sober without AA and didn't talk to my husband about it for a few weeks.. and only just told some other people and still haven't told most people!).

AlaskaGirl

I do want to be healthy and happy.

I am confused by this disease. Why does it have such a hold on me? I can have every intention to not buy that next bottle... but that all goes out the window with very little resistance from me when the cravings hit. I need to educate myself on why I can't be a "normal" drinker. I know there is a lot of good info on this site, I will start reading again. Thanks for the replys, I don't mean to sound whiny.

NotAlwaysSo

Is the supplement NAC? I started taking that stuff in hopes to minimize my hangovers along with a potent vitamin B/C pill. It does indeed make hangovers slightly less extreme but unfortunately it does not keep you from saying stupid things, acting like a jerk, wasting money, gaining weight, being an emotional wreck, making bad choices, etc. Funny the things we do to try to maintain our alcoholism.

CarolD

I suggest you read the 2nd sticky post in our Alcoholism
Forum AG....it's from the book that convinced me to quit.

Sticky post 3 has a list of resources to assist you


Welcome back to SR...and Yes! you too can win over alcohol

Dee74

Hi AlaskaGirl

Sounds like you have an addiction, like I and lot of others have here. It defies logic and rationality.

It's a scary prosepect - not drinking, change, telling those closest to us, but however unpalatable it looks from this angle, I found it was not nearly as bad as the life I was living as a drinker.

I remember being scared and tired too...so tired.

The important thing is we do something about it now - don't wait.

I didn't want to do a lot of things too - I pretty much waited until I *had* to...pushing your body to the limit is not a recommended way to go.

D

pennywistle

I often heard in AA the phrase 'Do What You Don't Want To Do' as a tool for alcoholics and addicts to manage their lives. It sounded really silly and 'bossy' to me at first, but once I started to apply it in my life, it really worked and was always the right thing. Even better was I was never left with any regret over making the right decision.
Thank you for coming back.

AlaskaGirl

NotAlwaysSo: Not NAC, but a powder supplement you can mix with water (or vodka and water, sigh.) with a ton of B vitamin in it along with some other potent vitamins, etc. It actually acts as a stimulant too, which means I can stay up drinking longer and hide the affects better. BUT... eventually it all catches up with me and all of the things you said hold true: I can be a real ass when I drink and say things I regret, I need to lose weight and I am spending a fortune on liquor.

Zebra1275

AlaskaGirl, two thoughts come to mind. The first is, are you sure you are ready to quit? You are probably going to shout at me, "Yes Damit!" but your actions will speak louder than your words. In AA speak, I'm not sure you've completed step 1 yet.

Secondly, in regards to your question I am confused by this disease. Why does it have such a hold on me? I can have every intention to not buy that next bottle... but that all goes out the window with very little resistance from me when the cravings hit.

Again in AA speak, the Big Book says that alcohol is "cunning, baffling, and powerful" whoever wrote that knew what they were talking about. In addition to cunning, baffling and powerful, alcohol is also very patient. I know people, myself included, who managed to stay sober for a few years only to have alcohol sneak up on them and bite them in the ass again.

If it sounds like I'm encouraging you to try AA, I guess I am. I tried to do it on my own, and tried and tried and really tried. I finally had to give up and admit that it's bigger than me.

KellySad

Yes, the fellowship of AA might help you, AlaskaGirl.

Good luck,

Kelly

Ghostlight

I've got ya beat. I joined this site over three years ago, and it took me two more to get sober.
In two days I will have a year.

I was a seemingly hopeless drunk. I drank in the morning, in the afternoon, all night. For days on end sometimes.
Everyone knew I was a drunk, except me.
I've been through it all regarding drinking. I'm lucky I didn't end up in an institution or jail.

I, too, had the hangover cure. Medication I was prescribed. I thought, "this is great! Now I can drink all the time." And I did.
But, that wore off, I don't know why, but that still didn't stop me.

The wasted days. The wasted days after. I was pitifull.

But, I quit. And I did it on my own and by coming here. SR has helped me so much. Your sharing helped me so much today, to remember what those dark days were like.

I have no advice for you, except what everyone has said. Some of us were sicker than others, and still recovered. It can be done. You just have to want it. To be sober.

Whatever path you choose, and I do hope you choose one, I wish you the best. It can be done.

michelle01

That happened to me initially as well. I think because when you quit, you are possibly more focused on it and the thoughts become more obsessive. I hit a cycle of not drinking then dangerous binging, where I drank more than ever before. But this is my second Christmas sober coming up now.

It takes more than just putting down the drink, it's an inside job. Just thinking that you have hit bottom and are 'ready' to quit usually isn't enough either as after time, the disease starts to 'minimize' in our thoughts. I didn't do AA, I was fortunate to have very good specialists and doctor care, also quite good support with friends and family. But I don't know if it was necessarily easier or more comfortable than AA, I still had to confront a lot of 'home truths' and do a lot of self disclosure. I've read of many people who dreaded AA then gave it a chance and it turned their thoughts around.

No matter how we try to hide it, there comes a point where if there is no action taken, it becomes worse and not better, and there are going to be the public/social consequences. Often those around us are already much more aware than we think they are.

gr8ful42day

I suggest you read the Big Book online. You don't have to go to meetings to read and try to understand. I think you will be amazed at the read.

Big Book On Line

Also, there is a chat room here open 24/7, usually someone is around, alot of peeps are in there in evening hours, all helping each other. On Friday nights at 9pm est we have an online meeting. The group is awesome!

Boleo

Alcoholism is a progressive illness 100% of the time. I watched myself go from bad to worse in spit of hundreds of attempts to moderate. I don't think it was attempts to control it that made my drinking worse. Drinking made my drinking worse and not-drinking made me feel like I was missing something. I was caught between a rock and a hard place and no amount of will-power from my end helped the situation. What I needed was an Higher-Power.

Recovery involves a whole lot more than not-drinking.

least

I finally admitted I had a 'problem' three years ago... and just celebrated one year sober. I didn't 'get it' right away, as you can see. But my life now is so much better. I'm not always broke and no longer wake up full of regret and self hatred and sick as hell. I didn't just get my life back, I got a whole new better life and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I too would suggest you give AA a good try before you dismiss it altogether. What have you got to lose but your misery?

Welcome back!

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

This disease definitely gets a hold of us and I think it is hard to accept that we lose control. But we do and it only gets worse if we don't stop.

I was also someone who drank more when I decided to stop. The fear of what my life would be like sober, triggered me to drink more. Finally I had to take a leap of faith, and I'm so grateful I did.

Maryjan

Alaska girl, I am only sober 2 days, so don't have much to add. But let's try not to drink today. That's a good start, I think.