oceansurfer

This is my first post and I am actually pretty excited about it. I have been dating my boyfriend for a while now and I am not sure what to do and would love some advice.

Just last night I decided to really educate myself about what I need to do to help myself, and in turn what would really help my boyfriend with his recovery as well. But it seemed to me, throughout the four hours of reading posts and different things, that everyone says that leaving is the best thing.

My boyfriend never abused me. Yes, lying is abusive, but he never really abused me. He lied about going to get drugs but he actually confessed a lot to me and never treated me badly. We have been dating for a year and a half, and its pretty serious since we have talked about eventually one day getting married and what not. And because of this I am not sure what to do. I feel in my heart that losing him would NOT be the right answer. But it seems that everywhere I turn I hear that leaving is the best thing to do for the both of us.

I plan on going to a meeting hopefully tomorrow but I am nervous that all I will hear is to leave him. We both love each other very much and he has finally admitted he has a problem, is sober now, and is trying to get better.

As for me- im confused. I don’t know what I should talk to him about and what not to talk to him about. I don’t know if I should stay with him or not. And I have been to one family meeting but I feel like everyone I hear from is related to their addict or married. As a girlfriend, who is not legally bound to him- what do I do? What can I do to help?

I feel as if his parents, well mother, doesn’t want us being together. I understand the fact that he is sick and needs to work on himself. I even sat with his family and talked to them about the fact that I do not want to cross any boundaries. I just don’t know what to do since everywhere I have read so far says to leave him. I don’t think that leaving would help him recover in anyway- but I am not sure what to do.

Im heartbroken and confused- but I am finally realizing that I need to reach out and work on myself, which will in the end will help everyone.

Bellemari

Wow! I don't know how old you are but I'm impressed on how mature you are about all of this! I'm not that old, but I wish I would have had your determination and confidence when I first started dating my now husband who is an addict.

I also don't know if I am fitted to answer your question, but I would like to tell you that having knowledge about this and having a lot of communication with your boyfriend is the best thing, especially if you are considering marriage.

It's good that he has accepted that he has a problem. If you truly love him you must know that being married to an addict is a hard job. The addiction is always present even if he's sober he will always be an addict, and this you must understand. In the posts you have read people talk about leaving, but that definitely is the last resort. If you truly love him and want to help you can do that for him, but he has to accept on his own because you can't make him do anything.

Knowing if to leave or not will be your decision and with time you will know what to do. Just know that being married to an addict requires a lot of work, and this is work that you both have to willingly do in order for things to really work. Being informed and reaching out for help is great, but if you are the only one doing so you'll end up in a really bad situation, I know from experience.

I hope this helps. I am also new here and need tons of advice myself!

ANGELINA243

Welcome! Glad you are here. Whether to go or to stay is entirely up to you. However, I do believe it would be good for you to go to a meeting first--I assume you are talking about Alanon or something similar--and talk to others before making a final decision. You should be concentrating more about what you want for yourself and about what makes you happy. Others here will be able to better help you with that by sharing their experience.

As an alcoholic/addict in recovery, I will say that whatever you decide to do for yourself won't be the deciding factor as to whether or not he decides to stay sober.

You didn't cause it,can't control it, can't cure it--his addiction.

You can find true happiness for yourself. As long as you are aware that recovery is a process--and that there is always a possibility for relapse where any addict is concerned. What are your expectations in all of this? What if he should relapse and perhaps you might be married by then--who knows? Just something to think about.

steve1840

hi-
good for you in reaching out and working on yourself. i don't have any answers, i wish i did, but i can only share my expereinces.

my addict gf didn't do the abusive stuff, but of course lied and all that. from day one people advised me to leave, but i just couldn't and i was not strapped in for the ride she took me on. i am still on hte ride but more securely strapped in.

loving an addict is a hard place to be in.

do you know for SURE he is sober?
what is he doing to get better?

oceansurfer

Its really a relief to get a reply back- and so quickly! It’s hard to turn to people about this situation and a lot of people don’t understand.

I am only 23, but I have dealt with addiction in my family all my life. My life hasn’t been very lucky, losing a parent at a young age due to addiction. But I feel like this is why I cannot leave my boyfriend either. I know what its like to go through this pain and this horror, but I think I have found the guy in my life that I would do anything for.

I am young I know- and what happens will happen. Its just the fact that we have talked about marriage, and our relationship has gotten to that serious level so I don’t feel like I can just pick up and leave- especially since he has not treated me as badly as he could have.

I have to honestly saying, getting your post back has literally brought tears to my eyes and I thank you. It feels so good and reassuring to know that I can now open up to people and actually talk about everything that’s going on.

I am happy I took the initiative to do some research because I have a feelings this forum is going to help me a lot. Im curious though- were u married to your husband when you found out about his problem or were you dating first? I guess what im really asking was what did u do for you, and how did u communicate with him? I want to make sure im doing the right things- for the both of us.

oceansurfer

wow i really am shocked at this system and cant get over by the time i write a response i have three more answers to my post- its really a great feeling to have!

My boyfriend went away for rehab and is now home and going to meetings every night and doing outpatient as well. so all day and night he is going to meetings. He has relapsed already and I was assuming that would happen eventually. I guess I didn’t assume it would happen so soon. I told him in the beginning before he left for rehab that if he did relapse I would leave him, but once it happened I really realized that it is a sickness and something that will take a lot of time and effort in his part. And I realized as well that I want to be with him despite his sickness- but I need to learn not to make thing worse for him and how to improve myself.

Lunaaa

Welcome around. I really cant give you any advice on weather to stay or leave,it's something you will come to decide all by yourself at some point.
Being with an addict is painful. However ,being without the person you love is also painful. You will decide wether to leave or stay when one of them becomes more painful than the other. I just hope you take care of you during the process and focus on yourself. best of luck and please keep reading and posting.

Bellemari

Well, in my case I knew about his addiction before we even started dating as we were really good friends, but when I met him I was 18, I mean that's no excuse, but all of this was new or even nonexistent in my "teenage world." When we fell in love, life was perfect and he was clean, but after we decided to get married he relapsed but I was way to deep in his world, and I could not just pick up and leave like you say.

I thought I would "fix" his addiction with "all my love", so ignorant of me, I know. After we got married the first two months were horrible, and even though I did do some research it did not help because we was not and still is not willing to accept going to rehab. All of the time I spent getting informed did not do any good because even though he accepts he has a problem he simply does not want to do the work of recovering and just wants to "do it by himself."

I'm studying psychology and whenever I tried to talk about addiction information he would tell me he wasn't going to be just a subject from school in my life and to keep my "psychology" to myself- but that does not have to be the case with you.

You need to talk openly to him about his addiction and work together because that is the most important thing to do.

It is so nice to talk to someone. Because of him I have literally no friends and for years I've been keeping everything to myself.

I hope my experience helps you make good decisions. I hope we can become good friends!

oceansurfer

Wow- that is some story. I wish I could fix his addiction with all my love as well. There is a lot of things I wish I could fix with just love- because I feel I have so much to give.

Im a bit scared though because like you said that your husband is not willing to accept going to rehab- my boyfriend was forced to by his family. He said right before he relapsed that he wants to feel like hes making this change on his own. Like he is the one wanting to stop it- he kept saying to me “if I use just once more and stop it will be because I want to.” And it was obvious during his relapse that this was not the case. But how will I know when hes doing it for him- because part of me feels like he wants to get clean because he doesn’t want to be a slave to the drug anymore- but another part of me feels like he is just doing it because he was forced into everything.

As for talking openly- he is so depressed now he barely wants to talk about anything. I try to talk about it but honestly I don’t even know what to say or how to bring it up- and then I feel like if I talk about it that it just will upset him- I now understand the true meaning of walking on eggshells I guess.

Your responses are really helpful and I really appreciate it. Since I am new to this whole blogging thing am I doing the right thing by responding by writing another post or is there a way you can directly respond to someone?

Off to work- hope to get more posts tonight that I can read. I am truly amazed by how wonderful this is.

laurie6781

Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a GREAT place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.

By stepping back and WATCHING HIS ACTIONS for at least a year. Never mind what comes out of his mouth, if his lips are moving he's probably lying. I don't say this to be mean, I say this because when I was still in active mode it was true for me, and even into early recovery, and it has been true for every A I have worked with these last 29 1/2 years in my own recovery.

It's already been said:

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

It's called THE 3 C's.

If and when he becomes serious about his own recovery, you will find him immersed in some program, if NA and AA he will be going to meetings, meetings, meetings, going to coffee after the meetings and spending lots of time with his sponsor for at least the first 6 months to a year.

If he is not serious, his affliction will progress and the roller coaster ride you will find yourself on will be horrendous.

So, how about stepping back, telling him you care, but that you NEED time for you and he needs time for him, and then try Al-Anon for you and just WATCH HIS ACTIONS from afar.

I also would like to suggest some private counseling for you. Why? Because you come from a family that has addiction problems and possibly sub consciously you gravitated to him him because it was 'familiar", something to look at with the AID of a therapist or counselor.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,