Bellemari

Hey everyone,

I am a new member, but I feel right at home. My husband of almost three years is a addicted to crack. I regret not finding this forum before, but I am glad I am here now. I don't know where to start. I'm guessing a lot of you know what I've been through and what I'm going through right now. I do not know how many times I've let my husband because of his addiction, but I care a lot about him and I ALWAYS end up going back to him. There are a few things that make it easy for me to keep doing that, but I am tired of this situation. I don't even feel like I love him anymore. All of the time we have been married he has not worked, at all. I don't think that this is due to his addiction, I just think he's a lazy bum.

Anyway, I have been through hell and back with this man. When things are good, they're GREAT, but when they're bad, they're AWFUL! This last argument we had (I guess it would be considered an argument for me because for him it was just another "conversation" as he was high as ever!) was on Tuesday morning at 3AM. All during that afternoon and that evening he was using, drinking, and just being the usual a**hole he is when he uses.

That's not a usual thing to happen. As soon as he uses I leave. Always. But the last time I went back to him was just on the 17th, and the only reason for that is because I did not want him to spend the holidays all alone. Yeah you got me I'm an idiot. About a month ago, I wanted to just leave him for good, but he asked me if I could just wait until the holidays had passed and I agreed. We had a few separations since then, but I eventually go back because I did not want him to spend the holidays by himself. But now I'm unsure of what to do.

When I'm with him I am just miserable. I know that if I go back for the holidays things between us will be worse, but if I don't I am going to feel so bad. Ever since I'm with him, I hate this time of year.

Can anyone give me advice? I usually just keep all of these to myself, and I believe I'm slowly dying on the inside.

Thanks,
Bellemari

steve1840

hi-
you are slowly dying on the inside. i am too. all of us are or were. advice? if i had advice to give i would be in a better place myself. but i can share a couple of thoughts. you don't feel you love him anymore and that is understandable after three years of this, but in some ways you do still love him and want to be there for him, but he is not there for you. as many have told me, it is a matter of what feels worse- being with him (which you say is miserable) or being without him (which is sad, but you'll get past that)?

my gf was never an a******* when using, so it was easier for me to stay involved, as i still am in some capacity, but do you want to be around an a******** the rest of your life? you will do what you do, but don't expect things to be different or change. it seems he needs to get serious about recovery and become whole again and maybe then he can be a better person to you, until then it's the same ol' same ol'

kiki5711

When I finally left my abusive relationship/marriage I said to myself I'd rather die in dog poop **** than to be with a person like that again.

And I mean it.

ANGELINA243

Your post speaks for itself. You deserve to be happy..not being miserable. You have a caring heart but if he is using he either will not care or will try to take advantage of this.

"he asked me if I could just wait until the holidays had passed"

That sentence jumped off the screen at me as manipulation and selfishness on his part--which are 2 characteristics commonly seen with addiction. Just know that you are under no obligation to him unless you choose to be. You have a choice. WE do recover.

Bellemari

Thanks to all for responding!

Steve1840- I totally get what you say and that has been my mentality, the part where you say that I need to make a decision on whether I want to stay and be miserable or leave and be sad for a while but get past it, but that's easier said than done. I just feel really bad about leaving or not being with him during the holidays, but if that's what it takes for me to be better and for him to realize that I'm not going to there forever and maybe do something to get better, but God only knows when that will happen.

Thanks kiki711 and ANGELINA243 for your responses.

Cynical_One- He supports his addiction like any addict does in our apartment we don't have ANYTHING. He has sold everything during this relapse. He sold the TV and the dryer, and once he starts he finds friends or he will just go to bars and make friends with other addicts since he's really social. He finds a way. Other times he has stolen cash and my debit cards, too. We don't have any children either, leaving and going back and forth would not be so easy if we did have children. It's just a very awful situation right now.

steve1840

bellemari-

i know it is easier said than done, otherwise i would have done it myself. i was really close one time, i had the distance of 2 weeks, but i broke down and went looking for her. now i am back in limbo. no one can tell you not to see him over the holidays. you will do what you feel is right for you. if it goes well, maybe you'll stick around for a while. if it is horrible, maybe you'll cut out sooner. when from deep inside you, you know what is the right thing to will, will come the strength and will to do it. its a very hard position ot be in. both options feel right and both feel wrong.

hello-kitty

Hi welcome. Sorry you are in this situation. Glad you found this place. I hope you learn all you can about crack addiction and what a disgusting drug it is. It never gets better. I t just gets worse until the addict ends up in jail, an institution or dead. Things have to get really horrible in order for the crack addict to consider quitting. And then, it takes a long time before they actually do quit. If they ever do. Some of them just can't quit. It's just too hard. They lose control over their brains and they just never come back to reality. Oh sure, they may throw their pipe out a million times but the next day they just go buy a new one and start over.

I'm glad you don't have children. I hope you don't have any. It would be an awful environment to bring kids up in.

I hope the next time you leave is the last time you have to leave. You deserve better out of life. Try not to sell yourself so short that you waste your time on a lazy bum crackhead with no inkling of a future.

Keep reading and posting. You will find strength and understanding here!

tam

welcome bellemari, sorry you had to find this place, but you sure will be glad you did.
I too went through the same thing as you,although my ah doc is pain pills,
our marriage suffered as well.
It will not change nor will it get better unless he choices to get help. until then you will go through emotional pain, physical pain and horrible frustrations
that will make you or if it hasnt already,insane.
keep seeking support. read every post/stickie, attend meetings. Dont be afraid to post, the support on here was the best support I ever received and
got me through my darkest moments and today, 1 year since my AH left
I can say, it does get better.
is it easy? heck no, I wont lie..but time heals wounds, time gives us recovery,
time gives you answers on how you truly deserve happiness and living with addiction will not offer you that.
take it slow, learn coping skills, prepare yourself for YOU, step back, let him be..take care of YOU.
wishing you the strength to get through this.

Bellemari

I totally get the reason for your username cynical_one.

I see how much experience you have and the vast knowledge you have about addictions and this type of behavior and I think that is great.

I honestly do not appreciate the cold-hearted responses, though. I thought people came here to vent feelings and share what goes on in one's life and their experiences with addiction, but because of you I will think very seriously about sharing something here again.

Not everyone is as mature as you and not everyone knows how to handle this situations. I've been through very rough times regarding this situation. I am now more mature about my decisions and the things I do, but I am not yet at the level of maturity you are in. I understand that not being a babysitter, therapist, or sponsor is what I need to do, I think I just need to figure out how to get there.

Making me feel worse? No thanks, I have enough people in my life that already do that. A pet would give more, take less? I did not make the decision to be in this horrible place. I know I've made bad ones, but I did not choose this path. I would just hope you would be more understanding and understand that aside from facts and the very helpful information you share, feelings are present too.

tam

Bellemari, I hope you continue reading and posting on here. I dont think anyone means harm nor do they want to make you feel worse. But I will personally say anything anyone does either on here or in real life can make you feel worse..been there done that. I was very fragile and still am (not as severe I will add) but addiction put me in a horrible place and I still go back
to that place, not as severe as before, but still do. Im sure many on here
can say that too.
my self esteem level was zero, my guilt and shame level was off the charts, my anger and sadness about what happened in my life, exp. my marriage was
devastating, off the charts. I was at a very low place in my life.
I am recovering. you can too. take it slow. I understand the pain your going through. I too thought some replies to my posts were hard, often even cried
and just wanted to give up on the whole thing. But sometimes the truth hurts. Please also keep in mind that typing and reading posts rather than in person might not always be accurate,so in person meetings would help you as well.
again, I hope you continue with support you truly deserve it and please know
you will get to a better place by doing so.
hugs!!

greeteachday

I think you have taken a great first step by being brave enough to come here and post. Keep reading and posting, and if you can, try some face to face Alanon or Naranon meetings. I found that to be very scary at first, myself, but once i found a group that "fit" for me (I tried a few before I found the right one) it was like coming home...to a welcoming home that is.

I also found that there were experiences and people that I met along the way, both in real life and here, that I did not relate to...Some I felt were judging me; others trying to control me and tell me how to recover and how quickly to do it (I've drop the words "you should" from my vocabulary as a result, lol), and still others who had things to say that I just wasn't ready to hear yet. I think part of my growth and recovery was learning how to "take what I needed and leave the rest" as they say. And fortunately, there is so much experience and compassion that I did get just what I needed to keep me on this journey.

I hope you will be able to come to a decision, as brief or long term as works for you, that brings some level of peace this holiday season. You do deserve better and I am so glad that you are working to find a way to have better

ZombieWife

I hope you keep posting here.

Aren't you worthy of happiness?

The thing is, like many of us, you may be addicted to your addict (read: codependency). And, like someone who is addicted to drugs, you may need to hit bottom before YOU enter into your own recovery.

Have you hit bottom yet?

Have you reached a point where the idea of being away from him actually brings you far more peace than staying with him?

One thing that I would ask you to do if you continue posting here is to refrain from comments like, "I know I'm stupid . . ."

Hon, it's not about stupidity. It's about recovery. Please stop beating yourself up, okay?



We all had to start somewhere. Do you have a plan for yourself after the holidays?

What are you doing for yourself to maintain your own sanity here?

Hang in there.

Bellemari

I know people do not want to make anyone worse than they already do. I just found that comment to be a little harsh. But I also understand that life's harsh, the truth is even worse. The truth hurts but there are ways, at least I believe so.

I know my husband does not provide anything into our relationship it's not like I do not know this, and that's what makes this situation even harder to deal with. That is the thing with relationships with loved ones who are addicts, as much as you may know that helping and staying is wrong there's something that still keeps you there (at least that is what I used to do at first and I'm sure many of us did that). Everything is just hard because emotions are hard to deal with. It's no black or white answer for feelings, there are some gray areas too.

About two years ago I'd say I was more codependent than I am now. I'm learning slowly but surely. Right now I'm more like numb to everything that happens and I'm just trying to learn more and more how to make the right decision.

Thanks for your comments and for sharing your stories. It helps to know that I'm not alone.

litehorse

welcome, bellemari, you have already received so many wise responses - this is a difficult place we all find ourselves in and we find strength, comfort, and encouragement from sharing - i hope you will continue to share with us as we share with you - my AS is in jail right now and will be for a while so i'm not in the middle of the madness right now - and hopefully this will be his bottom and things will be much different when he gets out - one way or another i will still need the kind of support and encouragement i find here - i will pray for you and your husband - blessings