CatWings

I am almost to 60 days of no alcohol and more of no weed. In the last couple of weeks, I have noticed I've been really going through some hell emotionally and mentally. The problems I always drank over and drugged over are coming up to the surface pretty hard about now.

I am a single woman 44 and have had a lot of problems with chronic pain and depression and bad relationships. I am dealing with a lot of regrets and am realizing that I smoked pot and drank to forget how hard things have been and continue to be for me.

I am about 4-5 months out of a dysfunctional relationship with another alcoholic/addict (not in recovery) who turned out to be somewhat of an emotionally abusive and controlling narcissist and I'm grieving over that as well by now.

I can't get out of my head what he said about middle aged women not being able to meet men after a while no matter how nice their personality is but how middle aged men can do so - no problem. And now he is off chasing women the age of his daughter. He showed up somewhere I could easily have run into him with a 26 year old. He's 58 and looks like he's going on 65 on a bad day.

I could hardly stand to sleep with him anymore, so at least that is gone.

I'm just dealing with a lot of fears that at 44, it's too late for me to heal my depression, meet anyone special (no matter how much I work out and take care of myself,) or get a career again after being out of work for most of the last ten years due to a car accident and bipolar disorder.

I suddenly feel all these inadequacies ten times as much and yet on some level as well, I feel more confident and more true to myself than ever. It's just an odd place to be.

I've never felt good enough, pretty enough, or like I fit in anywhere or that anything would ever work out for me no matter what.

I'm plagued with negative thoughts and it hurts to know I am doing this to myself most of all.

I am going to meetings though have missed some since my mother has been here (who makes me feel like I want to hang myself to get away from her.) I have a sponser and have been working on the third step lately with all this and I just don't know how it's all going to work out.

I do know that what is at the bottom of some of all this sobriety angst is a need to control outcomes and to feel I am doing the exact right thing or else I am screwed. I've always felt I was doing the wrong things. I can't explain it.

I am not a very spiritual person but have my own ways about that - just trying not to think too much about it all. Just willing to believe in a power greater than myself that I might be able to tap into, but when I spend all day trying to connect with it and still feel like crap, I get a bit discouraged.

Sometimes that higher power is an intuitive voice inside me and maybe I don't listen to it enough. Or sometimes it's things that come my way that I really need to have or hear when I least expect it.

I know today I got the message loud and clear that I am not to eat wheat and sugar anymore. It seems to really affect my mood.

Sorry I am rambling. Just wondering if anyone else dealt with some of this at all - regret, grief, fear, inadequacy and a fear of what will need to be done to make up for all the lost time - time I spent smoking weed, in bad relationships, not doing what would have been best for me.

And this nagging feeling that I will never be happy and free no matter what.

Ghostly

I am sorry for what you are going through Cat. Sounds like you are making good decisions, and you have had some unfortunate events. Wish you the best.

I feel fear and regret. I deal with it by just trying to keep going. Do what I think is right. Enjoy things where I can.

It is good you are going to meetings. Keep goin with them. Open up there. Hopefully that will help.

On a side note...congrats on giving up wheat and sugar! That really may help your moods.

Good luck.

DayTrader

I reeeeeeally identified with your whole post. It took longer, I think, for that stuff to hit me.....so you're ahead of the game. ....not that that makes it any easier, I know, but you're on the right track anyway.

Going through that stuff helped me realize that my problem wasn't just an alcohol/drug problem...my problem is alcoholism...and alcoholism doesn't just disappear when we quit drinking.

For me, that constant pain of depression, not measuring up (to what I thought the world expected of me AND ESPECIALLY to what I expected of myself), fears of never being happy again, fear in general - of just about everything...including fear of change, tons and tons of shame.....etc..... that was the stuff that drove me to looking for a spiritual solution.

It wasn't that I WANTED to find God and do all that "AA stuff" that seemed so silly to me at the time....it was more the knowledge that I just didn't/couldn't go on trying to handle things the way I was.......it just wasn't working well enough anymore.

I can't say that you need to follow the same path I did. Maybe it'll just get better on its own.....or maybe you'll be able to sort it out yourself. For me though, that stuff continually got worse until I tried something different...really different (for me, anyway).

MsCooterBrown

"I can't get out of my head what he said about middle aged women not being able to meet men after a while no matter how nice their personality is but how middle aged men can do so - no problem. And now he is off chasing women the age of his daughter. He showed up somewhere I could easily have run into him with a 26 year old. He's 58 and looks like he's going on 65 on a bad day."

Get this butt ugly banter out of your head..these are words out of a horses @ss.

Maybe some ME time is in order. It is mostly a thinking game..sobriety..and learning YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON THAT DESERVES TO BE LOVED! Welcome Cat. Hope to hear lots from you..

VeeTee

Cats, I agree with MsCB - that is just his fear speaking! Him wanting to keep you down, scared and attached to him.

All you need to do is focus on your recovery so you become the best possible you.

I am full of regrets and shame (and somewhere at day 50ish). I know this is cheap psychology, but on low days I do "downward comparisons", telling myself that, at least I am better than xyz, because I am getting sober... it's not a long term strategy, building my confidence on other's misfortune, but it helps in bumpy moments: At least you're not a saddo aging guy who can only impress 26year olds (please, young ladies here at SR don't be offended, some days I wish I was still 26 - though, that would mean having to go through some of my darkest days again.. )

keep on your path cat!
vee

CarolD

Sorry you are having difficulties....
It took me awhile to feel bettere too.

Step work was vital for me...hope you have started yours
congratulations for sticking to your plan for recovery.

Please see if this info is useful for you

Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

endlesspatience

I think it's great that you've managed to get to sixty days giving up a very compelling duel addiction to alcohol and weed. It's also an achievement to have broken off a dysfunctional relationship.

It seems to me that you're in danger of becoming rather self-obsessed now. This is a time to look outwards. You can build on your sobriety to help others, either in AA, your local community or among your family or friends. Just to give you an example, I was involved in a Christmas lunch for some homeless people last week. Some of them were alcoholics. I didn't think about my own problems with relationships when I was there. I was focussed on other people and that really helped.

I like these lines from the Just For Today prayer: Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don't want to just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it."

Surprisingly, following that simple guideline can have a really positive impact.

Kmber2010

Cat, I also identified so much with your post. You are doing great and know that recovery is a period of ups/downs and lots of emotion. What I can assure you of is that life begins again and it is what we make it. I went through a difficult divorce some years back and even now in recovery I am working on the years of verbal/mental abuse I went through. Just getting sober for me didn't make all that go away.

I am blessed everyday to be in recovery and while I may not think about drinking anymore or have any urges....well I am still healing and learning to move beyond those dark days.

Never write yourself off or think it is too late. I have defied many odds as so many of have. Taking it day by day and know that every single thing we overcome and work through in recovery just makes us all the more stronger.

Keep sharing and perhaps journaling may help as well. Writing down what I am feeling is tremendous in itself and having support face to face and here at SR has helped me work through the rough patches.

We are here for you so keep it going!

wpainterw

Cat: There's not much I can say except that, after 22 years of sobriety, I still at times feel haunted by the past, the stuff I've done or failed to do and my own inadequacies. Right now, in the holiday season, things seem to be particularly tough since as time goes on I feel more and more alone and isolated. But at least I've been sober and I honestly believe that if you stick with your program you will find happiness. I'm very happy at times, much more so than when I was drinking, and I think that by not drinking I can cope with the times when I'm not so happy. I hope your doctor can help with the mood swings. Mine helps me when I need it.
With the beginning you've made (the first few months are the hardest I think) you've got a lot to be proud of. You've taken on an enormous challenge and so far you've done great! All the best.


W.

Hollyanne

Oh Jeeze Ms. Cooter! There is coffee in my nose!
She is sooooooooooooo right though Catwings!
The horse's a$$ is a jealous old fogie past his prime and trying to get youth from younger chicks LIKE YOU! Oh, isn't denial wonderful.
To you, I say, I am around the same age and it is all happening for me now!
And I am at the 60 day point also. Hang in there, and let go your grip.
Listen to the messages and let that little HP help you. It is wonderful.
I just got on my knees one night in more of a ritual than anything. I just talked out loud about how I felt, what I hoped for and after a few days it became prayer and now it is like brushing my teeth. I have to do it even if I am really tired.
Remember, "Better your own company than bad company". You need the time for yourself now anyway. But you can be looking around admiring the "view" in the meantime. hehe.

Hollyanne

One more thing Cat, look up "woundology" here. I found this concept really enlightening and helpful.

Untoxicated

I'm at day 68 today and I am going through much of what you described above, as of late. I thought stopping the drink would be the hardest part and that my life would "fix itself" after that. Although my life is much much better since stopping the drink, I've realized that stopping the drink was a necessary step to address the real issues...the reasons that I drank. This is where it gets hairy for me, I don't know where in the hell to being so I'm posting here and reading here a lot in the hopes that something clicks. It's like I finally found the strength to cut off the head of the dragon only to find ten heads appear in its place.

It's overwhelming and I'm also experiencing the turmoil of emotions you speak of - mainly anger because I don't feel as if I have control. I'm gaining a bit of understanding that I don't and won't have control over some things and I'm trying to come to terms with being at peace between my will and what is.

"The wisdom to know the difference" is a real SOB.

For some reason, I've done very well with accepting my past. Prior to this length of sobriety I couldn't let go of the past and I would always end up drinking over it...always. I'm not sure what I did exactly other than accept it. I can't do a damn thing to change it and I began to feel the only way to vindicate my past is to live well in the present. I've grieved enough over my past and I just found it time to let it go. Sobriety seemed to be a side effect of that decision.

Thanks for the post CatWings. It's nice to not feel alone even on certain parts of the sobriety path.

michelle01

I think that the second month of sobriety was the most difficult time for me personally. It was like being in no-man's-land, feeling blah and not very interested in anything, wondering if it would always be like this.

I also have a mental health diagnosis, these days it is monitored a bit better with regard to medical treatment and support. I try these days to stay in the present, easier said than done when you have 'baggage', but we don't really have control over the past anymore, and the future is yet to be seen. Good things can happen at times and in ways we least expect them to. Early recovery is a sensitive time, and can be so especially for contemplating relationships (many of us have been harmed in the past by negative experiences and still carry the feelings forward). Really I feel that in order to move forward and be ready for a relationship, it's a good start to begin feeling more positive and accepting of oneself, with the flaws and shortcomings that we all have.

CatWings

Yes, we just have to keep going forward and try not to regret the past. As my sponser said, something I may have gone through may be useful to someone else some day.

CatWings

I think that is the awning to the Mayflower in Akron? You reminded me that I am better off now in Colorado than just under four years ago when I lived in that hotel because I couldn't stand to live with my mother and had no money.

Those were the days.....Things are better now. Not in a million years did I think I would find enough I could tolerate in a 12-step program but as you said, something else has to happen here and it's working out for me with my own beliefs as they are and the support is great.

Slowly but surely I am developing more of a faith in a higher power.

CatWings

Thank you, Vee Tee (and MsCB) - He's a big fish in the small pond of underground electronic music DJ's so he can impress women still, I suppose, but that's about as far as it goes. Was always just looking for someone to make him look good. What a jerk, but I feel sorry for him that he's still drinking and chose that over me. I am glad I am no longer drinking over him now either. I am free of both things on a daily basis. I am glad I am not 26 either, that I still have my health, and am on a real road to recovery this time. Yay!

CatWings

Thank you. I just keep reminding myself that drinking or using weed to cover up my problems really never made them all that better. Maybe just for a minute or two and then the craziness in the head would start and the coming down or overdoing it and feeling bad about it later. Things bother me a lot but at least I know what is bothering me for real, let it come up, and then let go - even if I have to do it again and again.

CatWings

Congrats, HollyAnne! So happy for you! Yeah, denial is something else isn't it - especially seen from across the street. That relationship was another stupid addiction really - so I am glad he's off with some 26 year-old who probably thinks he has money. Better her than me. To me, he was poison for both my emotional and mental health and my sobriety.

CatWings

Glad you mentioned this. I tend to get very self-obsessed at times - especially around the holidays. Need to keep finding ways to get out of myself. Can't wait to get to more meetings once my mother leaves and find some way to be of service. Right now I have a friend's boyfriend who's in the hospital due to psychosis that I believe was brought on my excessive cannabis use and other hallucinogens he was taking. Finally just lost it one day. Things could be worse....

CatWings

Yes, I believe it will take a while for my brain to fully recover. Some days I just want to sit and stare at a wall and do nothing and other days I am with it and motivated. So exhausted sometimes - moreso than I thought I would be.