Day One - Alone, Scared, Feeling Horrible But Hopeful
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
Day One - Alone, Scared, Feeling Horrible But Hopeful
I have been trying to quit drinking for good for the last five years, but cannot seem to get past two months without caving in.
After another senseless binge last night, I made an appointment this morning to I have an assessment on monday to get into a treatment center. It will be my 3rd time at a center and then hopefully move into an oxford house.
I live alone in a crime ridden area where there is lots of drug and alcohol abuse all around and I isolate in my apartment a lot, this is really contributing to my overall well being and keeping me from staying sober. I think if I live in a place where I have to be around people in recovery, and where I have to be honest and be working on my own recovery, I will have a much greater chance at staying sober than trying to to do it alone.
One thing I am having the hardest time with is saying goodbye to my old patterns, my old haunts and old friends, including an XABF who recently broke my heart again this summer. I am having a really hard time getting over him and trying to figure out why he came back into my life, became abusive and abandoned me once more. All of my relationships involved heavy drinking and became abusive, I'd love it if there are any threads or support groups that specifically deal with this to help me figure it out and stop the cycle.
I don't have any friends I can talk about these kinds of things with, and I hope that, without being too whiny, this will be a place where I can get stuff off my chest.
I am on pins and needles until the assessment, and I will be crossing my fingers at all times to get into a good place and finally turn my life around.
Until then I will be on here often, and I hope to make new friends and start on my journey.
Thank you ~ Penny
After another senseless binge last night, I made an appointment this morning to I have an assessment on monday to get into a treatment center. It will be my 3rd time at a center and then hopefully move into an oxford house.
I live alone in a crime ridden area where there is lots of drug and alcohol abuse all around and I isolate in my apartment a lot, this is really contributing to my overall well being and keeping me from staying sober. I think if I live in a place where I have to be around people in recovery, and where I have to be honest and be working on my own recovery, I will have a much greater chance at staying sober than trying to to do it alone.
One thing I am having the hardest time with is saying goodbye to my old patterns, my old haunts and old friends, including an XABF who recently broke my heart again this summer. I am having a really hard time getting over him and trying to figure out why he came back into my life, became abusive and abandoned me once more. All of my relationships involved heavy drinking and became abusive, I'd love it if there are any threads or support groups that specifically deal with this to help me figure it out and stop the cycle.
I don't have any friends I can talk about these kinds of things with, and I hope that, without being too whiny, this will be a place where I can get stuff off my chest.
I am on pins and needles until the assessment, and I will be crossing my fingers at all times to get into a good place and finally turn my life around.
Until then I will be on here often, and I hope to make new friends and start on my journey.
Thank you ~ Penny
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Hi Penny, I am your friend and I am hopeful for you.
Stopping the cycle is going to be a new awakening and everything looks brighter with hope.
There are threads for codependents and lots of supportive threads, just take your time and search them out.
Hugs,
Soph
Stopping the cycle is going to be a new awakening and everything looks brighter with hope.
There are threads for codependents and lots of supportive threads, just take your time and search them out.
Hugs,
Soph
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Welcome Penny! I really really understand.
"Stopping the cycle is going to be a new awakening and everything looks brighter with hope."
These are VERY true words. Sobriety will give you a new understanding and best of all...peace. You will be in my thoughts.
"Stopping the cycle is going to be a new awakening and everything looks brighter with hope."
These are VERY true words. Sobriety will give you a new understanding and best of all...peace. You will be in my thoughts.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome! As they say, "it's always darkest before the dawn." I remember feeling so alone and hopeless too when I first came to this forum. It's so important that we reach out for help, and you're doing just that.
I'm sure it's hard to go back to treatment, but if I had been able to, I would have gone this last time too (would have been my third round). Whatever it takes....... Things are going to get so much better for you soon. Just hang out with us until Monday - it's a good group of people!
I'm sure it's hard to go back to treatment, but if I had been able to, I would have gone this last time too (would have been my third round). Whatever it takes....... Things are going to get so much better for you soon. Just hang out with us until Monday - it's a good group of people!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Welcome Penny and glad you are here. You have our support and there are so many threads that speak to what you are going through.
SR has been an invaluable tool in my recovery in that I too have not much support in my personal life so coming here having folks understand me has been tremendous!
I am glad you are seeking treatment as I found adding face to face support to be that additional piece that I needed.
Look forward to the journey! We can move on, we can heal and begin our lives anew!
SR has been an invaluable tool in my recovery in that I too have not much support in my personal life so coming here having folks understand me has been tremendous!
I am glad you are seeking treatment as I found adding face to face support to be that additional piece that I needed.
Look forward to the journey! We can move on, we can heal and begin our lives anew!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
Wow! Thank you everyone. I feel horrible today, the wds are at their worst but every time I come on here I feel a little better.
It's outrageous to me how much I am still in denial of being an alcoholic, just this morning I was almost thinking about chucking the whole idea of going to treatment and a voice inside me told me I was making a big deal out of nothing, despite the fact that I've been hospitalized a little under ten times for drinking!
I have been really resistant to AA after a few bad experiences at meetings and stopped going earlier this year. I was able to 'white knuckle' it as they say for several weeks at a time then something would make me cave and it didn't have to be a bad day either- most of the time I drank it was because I was having a good day! Sometimes nothing at all would make me want to drink, sometimes I went to the store and just picked up a bottle automatically, like a robot without any thought about it.
This last time I think it was hormones, and then seeing a picture of a friend on FB holding a big ole glass of wine (my DOC) really pushed me over the edge, and so I decided that day that I was going to have 'one' too. Yeah right. More like 'one' bottle.
(I hope I am not being too graphic here).
Anyway, the path of recovery scares me. Even writing this right now scares me. I never wanted to be a recovering alcoholic for the rest of my life but I guess it's what I have to do if I don't want to end up where I will inevitably end up if I don't do something about this and stick to it.
Thank you for reading this.
It's outrageous to me how much I am still in denial of being an alcoholic, just this morning I was almost thinking about chucking the whole idea of going to treatment and a voice inside me told me I was making a big deal out of nothing, despite the fact that I've been hospitalized a little under ten times for drinking!
I have been really resistant to AA after a few bad experiences at meetings and stopped going earlier this year. I was able to 'white knuckle' it as they say for several weeks at a time then something would make me cave and it didn't have to be a bad day either- most of the time I drank it was because I was having a good day! Sometimes nothing at all would make me want to drink, sometimes I went to the store and just picked up a bottle automatically, like a robot without any thought about it.
This last time I think it was hormones, and then seeing a picture of a friend on FB holding a big ole glass of wine (my DOC) really pushed me over the edge, and so I decided that day that I was going to have 'one' too. Yeah right. More like 'one' bottle.
(I hope I am not being too graphic here).
Anyway, the path of recovery scares me. Even writing this right now scares me. I never wanted to be a recovering alcoholic for the rest of my life but I guess it's what I have to do if I don't want to end up where I will inevitably end up if I don't do something about this and stick to it.
Thank you for reading this.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 82
I hear you, totally, Pennywistle - I have been hospitalized 5 times for alcohol poisoning, it is such a terrible disease.
Amazing how, in our drinking days, we would drink whether we were sad, happy, or in between.
Good luck with the rehab.
Kelly
Amazing how, in our drinking days, we would drink whether we were sad, happy, or in between.
Good luck with the rehab.
Kelly
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,753
Welcome to the family!
I gave it up for good a year ago and it's been the best year of my life... well, after the first few months, anyway.
It takes some effort and a lot of changes, but it's so worth it. Living sober really rocks! 
I gave it up for good a year ago and it's been the best year of my life... well, after the first few months, anyway. It takes some effort and a lot of changes, but it's so worth it. Living sober really rocks! 
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