jackthedog

I called my exAH's father and his second wife tonight. I haven't spoken to them since we separated Nov. 1st and his dad has medical problems, so I have been worried about him too. I was really close to his dad although since he remarried we didn't see them as much, my husband not wanted to visit him because he lives so far away, about 20 miles, but I would be the one to make him go sometimes. Anyways, I talked to the wife who in the past has been very nice to me and I have had more intimate conversations with about the family, etc. The conversation on the phone tonight lasted all of 12 minutes and never once was the separation brought up, never did they say how sorry they are, is there anything they can do, nothing, I get nothing from any of his family! Not even my exAH, when I emailed him the other day about the parenting schedule and wrote a three sentence note about how I still love him and am open to talking together, etc. NOTHING! Is this what it was all about all along with his family??? Nothing! What is going on???? They used to love me so much and now I feel abandoned, totally. Any insights????

goldengirl3

Perhaps he pulled the "Divide and Conquer?" Threw you under the bus to them...he throws other people under the bus to each other...keeps everyone from talking to each other so they all can't figure out how much he drinks and put all the pieces together.

Just one theory.

suki44883

I think goldengirl may have hit the nail on the head. While he may not have been interested in them when the two of you were together, now, he sees them as allies. There is no telling what he may have said to them to bolster his own case. Unfortunately, when we leave the spouse, many times, we are also forced to leave their family, regardless of how close we felt we were to them in the past.

Live

When a couple separates usually the family does also. I am sure they don't want to bring it up or discuss it because it would be tremendously awkward for them and they do not want to be involved. That is still their son.
Things have changed. You no longer have the same relationship.

wicked

I considered that too.
He has told them his side of the story. They choose to believe him, probably in the face of contradicting evidence.
You might have to let this go jackthedog.
It will only cause you grief and will not change their minds.
Have you been to AlAnon? A therapist?
Please take care of yourself.

Beth

Thumper

It is hard to say. Some people (most probably) will stick by their own child in a separation, even if they think that child is wrong.

Also, it might not have anything to do with you at all. Some families just handle things badly. My xah's family left/leaves everything unsaid - to me and each other. One sister keeps everyone informed (and she is the one that calls me from time to time now that he is there) otherwise I'm sure the rest wouldn't even know we were divorced. The other sister sends the kids things from time to time and calls to let me know a box is coming (and has never said one word about the divorce) and the other two brothers and their families have dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't heard one word and neither have the kids. No cards at the holidays or anything. I honestly don't think it is me. I think they are all just that way. His mother died shortly after we separated but before we divorced. She didn't know and I can't imagine how she'd have reacted.

Cyranoak

Why do you need them to respond? No offense intended, but they are not the problem here. They are who they are.

Please ask yourself why in the world you contact your ex at all, what is it about you that needs a response, and why you can't take the hint that his family doesn't want to interact with you anymore? It may hurt, but it is what it is and it gives you a chance to go, unencumbered, on with your life.

May I suggest taking this hint from your higher power, ceasing your attempts to contact your ex or anybody in his family, and get on with your life using the lessons you've learned from this relationship?

I truly wish you the best. Take what you want, if anything, and leave the rest.

Cyranaok

P.s. I'm going to practice my recovery and not be offended if you don't respond.

Redheadsusie

I am sorry you feel abandoned. I feel that way too with my AH's family. For whatever reason - I don't understand it. I have been in their family for 10 years- we were quite close or so I thought- I spent time with them in the hospital when they were sick - helped them without AH around when he was drunk and disappeared . Now I am the Worst Person on the face of the earth. At one point I was "an angel sent by heaven to save AH."Even though he is their son - I would never treat someone who had been in my life 10 years like that. Oh well- I guess - like the others said we just need toget past it. Try to find your peace! I am trying as well!

theuncertainty

I don't know what I expected when I clicked to read this thread. I certainly wasn't expecting to read something that I could have posted....

Trying to schedule parenting responsibilities with XAH was a losing battle. Trying to get XAH to set a schedule for when he'd see DS was h-ll.

I'm having a really hard time letting go of my FIL and SIL. I'm sad because I'd had dreams of sitting over coffee with them, or going out with SIL for coffee, lunch or tea. I'm sad because DS should see his grandfather and aunt, who live in the same town, more than I saw my relatives who live out of state over 2,000 miles away.

They're siding with their son/brother. I should have expected it. It hurts. It sucks. It's another part of the Family dream that I've had to admit I can't make with XAH.

I don't know why your IL's are doing what they're doing. But I'm realizing that XAH's family dynamics are just about the same as my life with XAH was. There were reasons why I left him, and there are reasons why my extended family ideal is not going to happen with them. I may remind them once in a while that they have a grandson / nephew, but I'm trying hard to let go of any expectations.

stella27

I had the same thing happen. I live in my exAH's hometown, far from my own family. My XAH left me with 3 children. His parents were very cold and distant with me. His father still is (18 months later), but he is a weirdo.

XH's mother took on the role I did - reminding him to get his work done and to eat regular meals and take his different medications. She is still his devoted mother, but after a year of dealing with him in a codepemdent capacity, she is much nicer to me.

When a split is recent, there is a tendency to circle the wagons and protect your own. And they do NOT want to hear it from you - anything you say will be repeated to him - even if it is only an attempt o force him to clean up his act.

You circle YOUR wagons and assemble a support network that you don't share with him. that will benefit you more and hurt less.

fourmaggie

gee...funny thing is, i see it as the signs of grieving too....everyone MOVES ON to their own lives....I too, wonder why i dont ever see the FIL & MIL(after their son, my husband)THIS is not for me, but their dead sons KIDS....but now, 9 years coming...i am so glad they dont come around...its so much PEACE and QUIET...maybe take it as a blessing...they now get to face the true reality of his alcoholism ways...YOU got it...now they need to too...

PEACE for you and AL ANON also...

Babyblue

My brother recently separated from his wife and it put us (his family) in a tough position. I didn't talk much to my SIL because I felt bad FOR her, (he left because he was very unhappy). But I also knew that my brother was really miserable and I wanted to be there for him. It is pretty painful for families too when people split up.

My SIL was starting to tell my mom every detail and that ticked me off because it seemed like she was trying to put my mom in the middle of their marital problems. The problems in your marriage have nothing to do with the in-laws so as an in-law, I didn't want to be involved in my bro/SIL issues nor did I think it was fair to drag my elderly mom into it either.

Because yes, utimately my brother will always be my brother. We grew up together and the best thing for both was to stay out of their business. I honestly don't think it is realistic to expect things to be as they were with in laws when you split up. It saddened me to know that BOTH my brother and SIL were putting their kids through hell so I just tried to be there for the kids and I didn't really want to hear about their marital troubles to be honest.

Maybe in time things will even out for you but for now, sounds like everyone is trying to heal.

Learn2Live

When my brother and SIL split up, I lost what I considered my only family. When me and my XA&ABF started splitting up, I think I grieved more for the loss of his mother from my life than I grieved from the loss of my relationship with him.

What I have had to learn the hard way over the years is that other people do not exist for ME, they are whole entire people unto themselves, and the world does not revolve around me. Just because I think someone is "my" SIL or "my" mother, does not make their existence or behavior anything to do with me. When I finally let that sink into my head, I was able to lower my expectations significantly and just let other people BE other people. Things bother me much less than they used to. Ahhh.... detachment.

jackthedog

I sent them an email, very short and to the point, how much I love them, will miss being together this Christmas, how I worry and pray for them. MIL responded in a very nice email saying they will always love me and I am always invited to visit them. In addition she said some motherly things about how God has a plan, etc. Nice to hear and made me cry. My husband's real mom only said to me that she thought me and exAH should still be at family functions together "for the child". I was much closer to his father and his second wife, whom I spoke to on the phone and who emailed me. Your responses are right on, I do need to move on, I just have so much hurt clouding my ability to reason and think things through, so thanks for helping once again! I am actually less stressed this holiday break without all of the in law stuff to deal with, but I always enjoyed going to his dad's house for Christmas. His wife is like a mom to me, especially since my mom passed away three years ago. I have been blessed and I need to look at that part of my life. And yes, now they can deal with the alcoholism as I am done! God Bless everyone and Merry Christmas! SR is a wonderful gift from God!

StarCat

Simply speaking from my own experiences, both dealing with G's drinking, and even my parents growing up (not drunks, just narcissistic), it's very hard to admit that someone close to you has a problem; even harder to admit it's a relative. He probably got to them and told them his side of the story, and they either believe it or are sticking by him because "blood is thicker than water".

I'd suggest to keep in mind that right now, they're going through a similar process to what you went through before deciding to leave. You may never be as close to them as you were before - either because they believe him or because they feel it would be awkward to continue to "keep in touch". (G's youngest son is divorced and remarried, and his son's ex-wife still tries to contact him on a regular basis. G is conflicted, because he understands her side of the situation, but doesn't want to complicate things by opening up any further communication with her - even though his son and his son's new wife haven't spoken to him since the wedding - and he actually found out about his new grandchild on the way from a mutual acquaintance asking if he was excited).

It's in their hands, regarding what they believe and what actions they're most comfortable with, and has nothing personal to do with you.

fourmaggie

YOU get it...they dont because....YOU HAVE AL ANON....