kia

i think ive made a small improvement maybe due to circumstance but anyhow my mobile rang it was on my knee and i had one daugher on either side of me watching something on lappy a tv programme and it was the exa on the phone and u know why he phoned me out of the blue to tell me he was back with that woman and that his msn was cut off ermmmm AND so i said ermm yes ok well im watching ....... on the tv with my daughter so goodbye and he said ermm WHAT i and i repeated im busy watching something so bye and he was silent didnt get the reaction he wanted cos why phone to tell me this in first place wanted some sort of reaction but way i see it shes his problem now not mine and it wont work any better this time than the first time round but it explains why his drinkings gone right up again think hes been with her a while but well hes not my problem anymore.

What i dont get is why phone to rub it in who knows how they work but i wouldnt rub it in if i met someone else which i kinda have but its very early on and some would argue too soon its not a relationship yet as he said its friends for now cos he knows what happened with the A and neither of us wants to rush but i didnt get straight on the phone and tell him maybe makes me a better person i dont know.

Anyhow im quite proud of my reaction although it did twinge a little couldnt love someone so much and have it not do but my twinge wasnt anywhere near as bad as i thought it would be cos deep down i dont envy her position i know what shes letting herself in for and vice versa what he is with her better than him have tried to cope with her and failed shes nutjob there welcome to that life i just want normal now and looking forward to xmas with my family and after new year slowly getting to know this new guy and hope he dont hit any red lights on the way cos im hoping i will recongnise the signs more next time round and walk away when they do

Live

Kia, it is good when we can think "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." and say, sorry too busy for your troubles.
Those are his problems, you are right. Not yours.
You do have your own life and family to be busy with and those things will be rewarding to you and a good investment of your time and care.

Bolina

Yay!! Good for you, kia. Setting boundaries gives you a buzz, doesn't it?

Easy does it with the new guy. You're in no rush, right?

kia

no im not in rush cos there will be issues with trust and its nice to having normal chats and getting to know him and vice versa with him and as for the exa have been pondering a it about something this other woman hes back with has an asbo against her (its an behaviour order there if she causes any trouble shes arrested ) and shes not meant to go anywhere near his flat of that area for been there shes already breaking her order and theres half of me really wants to phone the police but the sensible half says just stay out of it isnt any of my business anymore and its just involving myself in it again and all the drama so im thinking ill just leave it although revenge would of been sweet for all them two put me through and for the call last nite which there was no need to do was him just rubbing it bragging ohhhh look at me and what i done exactly what u didnt want so now u can have a go at me ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thats me got it out now thank u xxxxx

Bolina

Heh. :codiepolice


Their set-up is none of your business. No need to be angry at her - just think how many lies he has told you. Why would he be any different with her? Why don't you delete his number and those of his friends? Or at least change them to "Do Not Answer" in your contacts as a reminder? A ringing phone places no obligation on you to answer it....

TakingCharge999

Way to go kia! The other day I passed and XABF was chatting with some friends of his, he noticed me and I swear he laughed out loud in purpose.. it sounded so forced... I believe for someone with low self esteem attention is everything even negative attention... its also a way to say "look! others like me! I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!!" all part of THEIR SAD, mortal untreated disease. I love that "couldn't care less" feeling... keeping the codependency in check.

I believe the less contact you have with toxic people, the more nice people you will meet by "chance", at least that is how it has been like for me... and often I am not even looking to meet anyone... its like they pick up you are in a healthier place and are nice and want to be nice with you. That is a better way to live IMHO

kia

he actually did catch me on the hop as the phone was sitting on me knee it had been on the seat arm till then and its under cheating p**s head in my phone so i kow exactly who it was when it rings if i deleted his number it wouldnt stop him ringing it i could have it blocked but theres no need as now hes with her she wont let him ring me she didnt before and if it does ring then either hes kicked her out or she him and frankly he will be told to sort out his own issues hes made this bed again and i have no wish to participate in any more of his dramas as i did before cos i do think between the two of us we kept that drama going much longer than it should of if id just backed off and left em both to it sure it wouldnt of hurt so much in the long run so this time hes on his own with his dramas and im quite sure for him they wont be nearly as much fun as it must of been watching us fighting over him

Tally

It's good that you were able to be flippant with him, I feel he's using the "tart" as a weapon against you...it worked last time remember? So he was probably shocked that it didn't appear to work this time.

I doubt the Asbo thing is true to be honest with you, maybe a police caution or something but Asbo's can take months and months to come to fruition, he'd have to be keeping a diary of anti-social events as evidence, calling the police EVERY time she did something so it was all down on paper, have witnesses to testify for him, he'd also have to testify in court against her.
Has he been to court several times, testified against her in front of a magistrate? ASBO's can only be issued when the applicant proves beyond all reasonable doubt that the defendant has acted in an anti-social manner, hearsay evidence won't normally be listened to, so I doubt that drunken arguments between two addicts would warrant an ASBO and on going court case.

kia

i dont think the asbo was against him it was the council brought it cos of all the trouble she caused in the area and the constant police call outs not just from him but others too and i think its true as the police came round while i was there to tell him although wasnt in room when they said it they were talking about her and they were telling him he wasnt to let her in again otherwise he could get into trouble as shes not allowed in the area so think maybe its true but well nowt to do with me anymore is it.

I did go to text one of his friends just now to tell him hes gone back to her even after all he said but hey whats the point all its doing is making more of a drama from it than i want so i didnt do and wont do is none of my business and yes good point it did work for him last time playing us both off against each other but not this one it wont do while im might fall for it once and in that case over and over i do get the message eventually just takes me time to relise i gotta give some things up as its a lost cause.

I noticed another thread about Narcississts do u reckon he is one cos i think maybe he is would explain alot really just some thoughts xx

laurie6781

You have every right to be!!!! I am quite proud of you also!!!! Good job!!!!!!

As to why he wants to tell you ALL about it, roflmao that is just TYPICAL A behavior, trying to get a 'rise' out of you, trying to keep you 'hanging' on, etc

Keep moving forward (((((Kia))))) you are doing an excellent job and are so worth having a companion who respects you and treats you with respect!

Again, your response was EXCELLENT!!!!!

You go girl!!!!!

Most A's are. I was while I was in my using period for 24 years. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and HP help anyone who got in my way. OH and btw everything I wanted was to help me to get MORE. MORE booze, MORE drugs, MORE MORE MORE. That was a long time ago now, but I haven't forgotten.

Maybe time for you to check out the 'sticky' on this forum "What Addicts Do", it is the last one in the stickys. Was written by the originator of this site and is SO TRUE.

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,

kia

Thanks guys helps to know im moving in right direction the one thing i know for sure is coming is their first arguement which aint far away and who will he come running to good ole me whos a "friend" after all, well good ole "friend" aint gonna be here im ready for it and thank goodness someone advised me change his name on my phone so i recognise it when it rings whenever that is. I should i suppose block his number but well for me thats a huge step forward and i dont feel i can yet i know in time i will be able to although when we broke up ages ago (we been more off than on told a tale that really) i never did block him, never had to his then gf made him delete my number which adds up with the narcississt thing as she and one hes with know are fairly violent women and gave him as good as he gave them and he always backed down to them and to me when i shouted, but that meant changing person that i am and i just couldnt do it all the time. As article said about narcississm u either change and be like them or u abandon them as living with them is a night mare and u have to become like them to survive well bu**er that lifes too short onwards and upwards i say and am trying to think of a saying my dad used to say but cant think of it will ponder it and get back to u if i remember xxx

StarCat

It's his life, don't get involved. You did the right thing, and you should be proud of yourself. Let him make his own mistakes, and let him solve (or ignore) his own problems - they don't belong to you.


Better yet, keep the number in your phone and set it to "no ringtone" when he calls. That way you won't even be inspired to pick up the phone, and you'll always know not to call back.

kia

yep and am gonna be so busy next few days family all here and alot of last min things to get done so no time in my life for his issues there his now oh and just by the way found out today the sti was a lie he admitted it to another friend not to me though so i reckon the mum thing was a lie too havent seen any evidence to back it up and well again its his problem that too now he can go with the tart im sure she will support him hmmmm not the lengths he goes to not be alone and yet accuses me of not liking been alone no way would i take a step back into all that craziness he had before with her mind u im not an alcoholic so my mind works fairly well and even better now ive not got him in my life heads already so much clearer and no longer feels like im in a combined harvester xxx

Live

YAY, Kia!!!!!!!!!!!

kia

cant find the sticky can u point me in right direction please xxxx

JenT1968

Go Kia!!!

this is fab, I found it really hard to recognise the things that I did that made it easier for him to suck me back in, and that brought me more pain and drama. Changing behaviour patterns is hard.

I found the apparently "small" steps at the beginning the hardest -because it was a totally new way of thinking and acting, it wasn't automatic, but you're doing it!

I hope you have a wonderful, stress-free christmas filled with things that bring you happiness, you certainly deserve it

Phoenixthebird

kia, You have every right to be Proud of YOURSELF! You are making great progress in learning how to take care of YOURSELF! Please consider blocking his phone number and even having NO CONTACT with him or anything about HIM! It's now YOUR turn to take care of YOURSELF! I would hate to see him manipulate his way back into your life and make you take steps backwards!

*******************************

kia

id like to say he wouldnt do that but i know he will try to but hes been trying to get me back for weeks now and havent gone for it said no dont want him back even daughter was impressed with how i handled phone call other nite how i cut short his little performance oscar winning i reckon lets just hope i carry off the next one talk of the devil phone call just then cut it off left voice mail saying hopes i have a good christmas and he doesnt know what sort of one hes gonna have but hopes i have a good one not answered it nor phoned back if anyone of the alcoholic words ppl are out there can u tell me what that actually means got rough idea it means ive had my first fight with the tart and now im gonna try get good ole reliable downtrodden me back on side again and play the i want u i want here game again well i aint playing im watching my fav soap emmerdale and chilling with family xx

Live

Kia, I am so thrilled that you didn't answer. Believe me the soap opera you are watching wouldn't be nearly as dramatic as the one he would be playing on the phone..and his is demeaning and no fun at all.

JenT1968

Yep - emmerdale is much more fun! what will Chastity do? will she marry him? and now tracey barlow back in the street: that's where I like my drama - made up on the box!