cece1960

For years I would pray that my son return to “normal”, which to me meant pre drug use. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still wish it, but wishing is better than expecting.

But, my son will never be normal as I defined it years ago. In fact, I really had no right to define his normal at all.

My son is a drug addict, and being so will struggle the rest of his life. It’s a life long illness and a disability that allows for management and remission, but no cure. He is not morally defective or a drudge of society. He is a young man with a disease.

I bring this up only because every once in a while I allow myself to get swept away with the “if only..” and the “but he…” sentences, especially around the holidays. It seems this time of year we tend to seek out perfection in our relationships, which I’ve always felt was a heavy load to carry.

I do include him on my Christmas gift list. He is my son, and I give gifts to my kids. He may hock it, or return it but that’s not my concern. It is a gift given to him to do with what he pleases. Its not enabling either, at least not in my book. To not give a gift, to me, would be a subtle form of manipulation on my part…no gifts if you’ve been a bad boy.

So this year I will say a prayer as I always do, for good health and happiness for my entire family, however they may define it. It’s not up to me to decide.
And I will keep you all and your loved ones in my prayers as well.

Happy Holidays all…

keepinon

What a lovely, healthy, compassionate love letter! I so agree about the Christmas presents..he is your child and I am sure those gifts are symbolic to him that he still has family who loves him,regardless of his addiction.Being able to love him as he is NOW is so wonderful for both of you.Doesn't mean you approve of his behavioror support it, only that Christmas is a time you give to those you love and he is a part of that.
Mealny Beattie talks about this kind of thing in Codie No More..how some peolpe will come up and pretty much brag to her about some very mean/withholding things they have done ...detaching is not about that.Giving a gift with no expectations is a beautiful thing to do.for all involved.

Ann

Cece, your post just touches my heart and makes so much sense.

I know that Hallmark got it all wrong for mamas like us, but recovery has reminded us of the true gifts of Christmas...peace, joy and love. To be able to live in peace, regardless of how our sons are doing, to be able to feel joy once again instead of fear, and to be able to share our love unconditionally with no strings attached are wonderful gifts recovery has given us.

Merry Christmas, Cece, and thank you for sharing this path with me for so many years. Love you my friend.

wicked

I have tears of relief and (can I say it) joy from reading these posts.
Thank you very much all of you for your kind sharing of strength and grace during a difficult time for me.
Yes, I will be okay, even if he is not.

Beth

unrealpain

My son is 23, he's addicted to prescription drugs, shoots up oxy, Last night he walked out the front door and hasn't been back. He's never, ever done that before and I don't know where to turn.
He's out of control and I want to find him. Is it common for an addict to just turn away from everything? I guess so, I really don't know how to get through this. It is pain like I had never imagined.
Please help me. What do I do now?

Spiritual Seeker

The best we can do for our children is let them know we have unconditional love for them.

greeteachday

I remember a less than wonderful situation near Christmas that resulted in my daughter crying uncontrollably; outside, on the front lawn...I sat on the ground, wrapped her in my arms and she sobbed "do you think I want to be like this? I am such a failure" I asked her if she understood what unconditional love is. It calmed her...immeasurably. That part of the memory is one that I hold close to my heart. It was a turning point in my relationship with her when she was actively using. She knew I would not enable her continued use, but I would always love her.

Lots of prayers for your son, Cece and for all the sons and daughters struggling with addiction.

Kindeyes

Thank you for sharing this......this Christmas is turning out to be a particularly difficult one for us. Your words brought comfort. Thank you.

gentle hugs

YouWillBe

Thank you for the "permission" to feel this way. Sometimes we get so caught up in the DO NOT ENABLE stance that we withhold anything and everything no matter what it is.

I, too, am giving Christmas gifts to my daughter. Little things that aren't really worth a whole lot except in sentiment and usefulness. Things she will appreciate and love and come straight from our hearts.

She is giving me a gift, too. She still has her life...she's told friends that sometimes she takes the drugs and hopes it's enough to not wake up. I'm thankful that MOST days she doesn't want to go that route and is still here. Where there's life there's hope. That's enough, today.