A Sober Beginning on the Darkest Day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 12
A Sober Beginning on the Darkest Day
Thank you all so much for your stories of addiction and recovery. Now I understand why support groups are so important. Many things I read here yesterday ring true for me and my alcohol addiction. The most important thing I learned yesterday, when reading the detox experience thread start to finish, is my final destination if I continue my current course. Clinical descriptions just dryly state the consequences, but your graphic descriptions of your own experiences really opened my eyes. Now I'd like to tell you about my addiction and decision to recover. Recover again, that is. I've had a few failed starts.
My earliest memory of my dad was him rewarding me with a sip of his beer if I retrieved it from the fridge for him. I was 4 years old. My parents regularly bought me alcohol from about the age of 12, presumably innocuous in their eyes, like wine coolers, or liqueurs. I had easy access to a well-stocked liquor cabinet, which I started taking advantage of at the age of 14. Everyone in my family drank heavily. The excerpts from Under the Influence helped me understand why, and showed me why the path that brought me here was all but unavoidable.
I've now been a daily drinker for 15 years. For the last 4 years, it's been what I call a 2-a-day, 2 separate drinking sessions in the morning and evening. My daily consumption of beer has been on average equivalent to a 1/5 of 80 proof, so each sessions would qualify as a binge. I still functioned pretty well, but I could see the gradual decline in all areas of my life.
When I first noticed the slide 2 years ago, I tried to quit. There were an uncountable number of days that were to be the last day. "Just one more day won't hurt - you can go easy today and quit tomorrow" is what the addiction would tell me, and I kept buying into it. That tomorrow I was looking for came 4 times over that span of time, with total sober time totaling only about 2 months. Each sober period would end with my thinking that I could drink in moderation now, and each time I was wrong. I've come to accept that abstinence is the only answer for me. So it was time to set a date.
This morning I really wanted to watch the lunar eclipse, and I knew that if I had a drop of alcohol, I wouldn't see it. I'd be guaranteed to be asleep because of my work schedule. Yesterday I decided to choose the eclipse over the booze, and decided that since I live far, far out in the boonies, I'd look for an online support group. I found SR, and sober me read for hours. My decision to be sober yesterday turned into a resolve to make it permanent.
The cool thing about the timing is that the solstices are the only holidays that mean anything to me. They're the only ones not contrived by man (other than equinoxes of course). Today is the darkest day of the year, a time for renewal, a time for new beginnings. Today is my favorite day of the year, and for the first time in 15 years, I'm not waking up on winter solstice feeling groggy from the night before. That's a gift I'm not going to squander.
I did a lot of sober thinking yesterday, and I know where I want my life to go, and what activities I want to add to my life to fill the time that used to be occupied by alcohol-induced stupor. I don't want to concentrate on not drinking. I'd rather concentrate on living my life, and remain fully aware that consuming alcohol would ultimately take it all away. I know some difficult days await me.
So here I am on day 2, thanks for having me! I'm happy to say that I've had only minor withdrawal symptoms. I didn't get a single wink of sleep, but no serious tremors, nausea, vomiting, DTs, hallucinations, sweats, intestinal pain, etc. I have experienced all of those before except for DTs and hallucinations, but not this time.
My earliest memory of my dad was him rewarding me with a sip of his beer if I retrieved it from the fridge for him. I was 4 years old. My parents regularly bought me alcohol from about the age of 12, presumably innocuous in their eyes, like wine coolers, or liqueurs. I had easy access to a well-stocked liquor cabinet, which I started taking advantage of at the age of 14. Everyone in my family drank heavily. The excerpts from Under the Influence helped me understand why, and showed me why the path that brought me here was all but unavoidable.
I've now been a daily drinker for 15 years. For the last 4 years, it's been what I call a 2-a-day, 2 separate drinking sessions in the morning and evening. My daily consumption of beer has been on average equivalent to a 1/5 of 80 proof, so each sessions would qualify as a binge. I still functioned pretty well, but I could see the gradual decline in all areas of my life.
When I first noticed the slide 2 years ago, I tried to quit. There were an uncountable number of days that were to be the last day. "Just one more day won't hurt - you can go easy today and quit tomorrow" is what the addiction would tell me, and I kept buying into it. That tomorrow I was looking for came 4 times over that span of time, with total sober time totaling only about 2 months. Each sober period would end with my thinking that I could drink in moderation now, and each time I was wrong. I've come to accept that abstinence is the only answer for me. So it was time to set a date.
This morning I really wanted to watch the lunar eclipse, and I knew that if I had a drop of alcohol, I wouldn't see it. I'd be guaranteed to be asleep because of my work schedule. Yesterday I decided to choose the eclipse over the booze, and decided that since I live far, far out in the boonies, I'd look for an online support group. I found SR, and sober me read for hours. My decision to be sober yesterday turned into a resolve to make it permanent.
The cool thing about the timing is that the solstices are the only holidays that mean anything to me. They're the only ones not contrived by man (other than equinoxes of course). Today is the darkest day of the year, a time for renewal, a time for new beginnings. Today is my favorite day of the year, and for the first time in 15 years, I'm not waking up on winter solstice feeling groggy from the night before. That's a gift I'm not going to squander.
I did a lot of sober thinking yesterday, and I know where I want my life to go, and what activities I want to add to my life to fill the time that used to be occupied by alcohol-induced stupor. I don't want to concentrate on not drinking. I'd rather concentrate on living my life, and remain fully aware that consuming alcohol would ultimately take it all away. I know some difficult days await me.
So here I am on day 2, thanks for having me! I'm happy to say that I've had only minor withdrawal symptoms. I didn't get a single wink of sleep, but no serious tremors, nausea, vomiting, DTs, hallucinations, sweats, intestinal pain, etc. I have experienced all of those before except for DTs and hallucinations, but not this time.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by DarkestDay 
I did a lot of sober thinking yesterday, and I know where I want my life to go, and what activities I want to add to my life to fill the time that used to be occupied by alcohol-induced stupor. I don't want to concentrate on not drinking. I'd rather concentrate on living my life, and remain fully aware that consuming alcohol would ultimately take it all away. I know some difficult days await me.
Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Western PA
Posts: 416
Welcome to SR DD, I think you've made one of the hardest steps...admitting to yourself that it is time to quit. Personally I think that is the biggest decision, to be truthful with yourself. Good luck on you journey and please keep us posted.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
A very momentous day 1!! I think that's awesome - now you can count on a little more "light" coming into your life each day on this new journey!
Hang around and get to know everybody - it's a great way of getting/giving support.
Hang around and get to know everybody - it's a great way of getting/giving support.
Many of us here are happily sober, thanks to different methods. I'm glad you found us.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
DarkestDay - It's great you found us. Our stories are almost identical. My "slide" was handled the same way as yours - a desperate attempt to moderate that failed spectacularly. Trying to hold on to my drinking habits almost cost me my life. Be proud of yourself for seeing the light and choosing life and health. We are happy to be on this journey with you. Let us know how you are.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
WELCOME!!! I'm glad you are here. It gets better man, just one day at a time! Heck early on, one hour at a time. All you have to do is just not drink today. Let tomorrow worry about tomorrow. All we have is today!
Still trying to figure it out
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 52
I am on day 2 as well. Very small but important step. Don't minimize it and keep posting in detail what happens with you. That helps me a lot!
I also want to concentrate on what I am having and enjoying (rich food and sweets) rather than think of what I am not having (the alc).
I take it one minute at a time, especially around 5:30 - 6 PM!
Everyone here is very supportive of our efforts.
I also want to concentrate on what I am having and enjoying (rich food and sweets) rather than think of what I am not having (the alc).
I take it one minute at a time, especially around 5:30 - 6 PM!
Everyone here is very supportive of our efforts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Whistler, British Columbia
Posts: 222
Welcome D-Day!
What a great way to kick this horrible addiction. Sounds like you have the right attitude in place for this to be your turning point.
Thanks for sharing, you inspire us all to keep moving forward.
Good on ya!
What a great way to kick this horrible addiction. Sounds like you have the right attitude in place for this to be your turning point.
Thanks for sharing, you inspire us all to keep moving forward.
Good on ya!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Glad you are here DDay and thank you for sharing.
You are part of an amazing community with people who understand and you will have tons of support.
SR has been an invaluable tool in my recovery.
Keep it going!
You are part of an amazing community with people who understand and you will have tons of support.
SR has been an invaluable tool in my recovery.
Keep it going!
Last edited by Kmber2010; 12-21-2010 at 12:57 PM. Reason: lack of proofreading....bluh
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 12
Thanks to everyone of you! The support and kindness just blow me away. I had no idea there was such a place as this forum, but it makes sense. Obviously everyone here understands because they've been right here where I am right now. I'll do my best to do the same for others.
Yes, my wife & I went outside under the big trees and watched a strong wind blow lots of little low level clouds past the full moon last night while the trees swayed. I read about this eclipse months ago, but really didn't expect to get to see it, drinking or not, due to typical weather this time of year here - overcast & rainy. We watched the earth's shadow overtake the moon. The moon was very high in the sky, so the red effect was not nearly as dramatic as I've seen before. But it sure beat being passed out inside the house.
My wife and I developed our addictions together over these last 15 years, and we're going to recover from them together. She's always matched me drink for drink, so I've observed how much more of a negative effect alcohol has on females. Helping her recover from a more damaging addiction than mine is good motivation for me, because I know if I fall back into it, she'll follow.
We're both doing well, and eating a lot more than usual since we're not drinking our calories. I still haven't slept in 37 hours, but I haven't drank in 42. So far it hasn't been difficult, not since I made up my mind early yesterday morning before 7am, when the local stores start selling beer. 7am has been the moment of truth each day when the addiction has almost always won for the past several years. Quitting was hard as hell when I was constantly arguing with myself, but this current experience is very different from resisting by brute force & will power.
Thank you for listening.
Yes, my wife & I went outside under the big trees and watched a strong wind blow lots of little low level clouds past the full moon last night while the trees swayed. I read about this eclipse months ago, but really didn't expect to get to see it, drinking or not, due to typical weather this time of year here - overcast & rainy. We watched the earth's shadow overtake the moon. The moon was very high in the sky, so the red effect was not nearly as dramatic as I've seen before. But it sure beat being passed out inside the house.
My wife and I developed our addictions together over these last 15 years, and we're going to recover from them together. She's always matched me drink for drink, so I've observed how much more of a negative effect alcohol has on females. Helping her recover from a more damaging addiction than mine is good motivation for me, because I know if I fall back into it, she'll follow.
We're both doing well, and eating a lot more than usual since we're not drinking our calories. I still haven't slept in 37 hours, but I haven't drank in 42. So far it hasn't been difficult, not since I made up my mind early yesterday morning before 7am, when the local stores start selling beer. 7am has been the moment of truth each day when the addiction has almost always won for the past several years. Quitting was hard as hell when I was constantly arguing with myself, but this current experience is very different from resisting by brute force & will power.
Thank you for listening.
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