Found Pot in 14y son's room
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I am a parent of an addict..both my kids started out with alcohol and pot at that age..one kinda outgrew it, one became a heroin addict. I don't have any advice (I called the cops on one of them..didn't do anything) except how about Alanon for you..really helps me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. Congrats on your 20 years!
You have a head start in that you have had first hand ESH with this disease. I've met so many parents in Al-Anon who are working their own program only to find they need guidance & support regarding their loved ones who are using. Naranon is another option for you, but I found that there were many Al-Anon meetings in my area whereas there's only one Naranon meeting available.
As a parent I found that no amount of warning or persuading helped and oftentimes it just created more tension & rebellion. We have other family members in recovery yet found it better for our son to go to meetings with someone else.
When he was just 18 an elderly man from NA offered to take him to meetings a few times a week. I think it helped our son that we tried to stay out of his recovery as much as is possible. He used for about ten years and has been clean for almost five years. He found recovery his own way; on his own schedule.
Please check out the resources posted in the sticky section. I find it beneficial to read both present & past posts of other members whose recovery I admire; the "how it was, what I did, how it is now" stories just like many other 12 steppers share.
Here's a helpful tip from Al-Anon we use alot here in the F&F forums.
The 3 C's of addiction:
I didn't Cause it
I can't Cure it
I can't Control it
(But I can Contribute is an extra "C" that I like)
You have a head start in that you have had first hand ESH with this disease. I've met so many parents in Al-Anon who are working their own program only to find they need guidance & support regarding their loved ones who are using. Naranon is another option for you, but I found that there were many Al-Anon meetings in my area whereas there's only one Naranon meeting available.
As a parent I found that no amount of warning or persuading helped and oftentimes it just created more tension & rebellion. We have other family members in recovery yet found it better for our son to go to meetings with someone else.
When he was just 18 an elderly man from NA offered to take him to meetings a few times a week. I think it helped our son that we tried to stay out of his recovery as much as is possible. He used for about ten years and has been clean for almost five years. He found recovery his own way; on his own schedule.
Please check out the resources posted in the sticky section. I find it beneficial to read both present & past posts of other members whose recovery I admire; the "how it was, what I did, how it is now" stories just like many other 12 steppers share.
Here's a helpful tip from Al-Anon we use alot here in the F&F forums.
The 3 C's of addiction:
I didn't Cause it
I can't Cure it
I can't Control it
(But I can Contribute is an extra "C" that I like)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Neither one of my kids were into drugs while under age, but my daughter took that path when she became a legal adult and is now a recovering IV opiate addict at the ripe old age of 23.
I know parents that drew a hard line and said this is unacceptable, there will be consequences now and if it continues. Their son was 14 at the time, too. They took away all his privileges and he had to earn them back. They didn't drug test him, they went by his actions. He's now a senior in high school, has been taking college classes, and has earned an amazing academic scholarship, a free ride
The consequence they gave him, if he continued to get high, was rehab. The dad is a very good friend of mine and has been sober (alcohol) for 12 years now.
I know parents that drew a hard line and said this is unacceptable, there will be consequences now and if it continues. Their son was 14 at the time, too. They took away all his privileges and he had to earn them back. They didn't drug test him, they went by his actions. He's now a senior in high school, has been taking college classes, and has earned an amazing academic scholarship, a free ride
The consequence they gave him, if he continued to get high, was rehab. The dad is a very good friend of mine and has been sober (alcohol) for 12 years now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 105
I'm sorry i imagine it's hard on you,i totally agree with cynical one,talk facts with him. Him being a teenager isnt so easy for you to deal with but it's also an advantage,gives you more space to convince and influence him.
my prayers.
my prayers.
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
I agree with cmc. You know first hand that nobody can make you quick using and boozing that you have to want to quit on your own. I know when my parents found out about my using marijuana at about the same age as your child that they tried to make me quit. The only thing they succeeded in was making me more rebelious and I smoked even more. The only thing I could suggest is having a relatively young person from na befriend him and take him to a few meetings. Maybe he'll hear a story similar to his situation other than that you know he has to want to quit.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Wow Cynical. That was a great post. I think I'll print it out as a reference for when/if a similar situation comes up with my son in the future. (The DISTANT future.)
My parents flushed my pot when they found it. I was 17 not 14. I just went out and bought more. It would have been helpful if they had taken the opportunity to educate me on all the things you mentioned instead of just screaming at me and freaking out. But times were different then. I don't think my parents were clued in to drugs at all.
My parents flushed my pot when they found it. I was 17 not 14. I just went out and bought more. It would have been helpful if they had taken the opportunity to educate me on all the things you mentioned instead of just screaming at me and freaking out. But times were different then. I don't think my parents were clued in to drugs at all.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I agree with everyone. Have you ever sat down with your son and told him your story in a calm collective way? Know its a hard one but also look at who his peer group is. I know that was the big influence on my sons life.
JJ
JJ
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
My parents did the clamp down on me one time over something else but at the same age. I lost ALL privileges all trust. Nothing I did wasn't monitored. I was only allowed to go to the school ballgames because I played in the band..while I was there my dad went and sat right beside me until I played and then we left. This took a huge commitment from my parents. I mean they babysat me like I was a 2 year old. My only phone calls were made in the kitchen where my mom could hear. My time was structured, my homework overseen etc etc.
They had the talk with me and then this is how they followed it up. Don't know if this has ever worked on other kids but it sure did me. I learned a lifelong lesson on that one.
They had the talk with me and then this is how they followed it up. Don't know if this has ever worked on other kids but it sure did me. I learned a lifelong lesson on that one.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
Originally Posted by cynical one 
To clarify what I said and why…I don’t think schools do a good enough job educating with the facts of drug use other than drugs=bad. So, most of kids knowledge comes from other kids…who are equally as uninformed. I would give him the facts once in a non-confrontational, non-lecturing way. I also find with teens, the less questions that are asked, the more they talk.
I agree, with PP's-- keep it on the facts, fear-mongering gets you nowhere, especially with teens, who are often 10 feet tall and bullet proof in their own minds (Heck, I've yet to come to terms with my own mortality, and I'm not a teen anymore! I still have that 'not ME' attitude sometimes).
Good luck, OP!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
First off; I can only imagine the heart wrenching feeling when you found that. I feel your pain.
Puttin aside the fact that addiction may be hereditary; kids experiment with stuff growing up good and bad.
Luckily you watched closely enough that you found out your child was experimenting before your child got into trouble. That is a blessing in it's own right.
I don't know if I am right but I am a parent and if it were my kid I would ask them if they were freakin crazy, tell them that people who do drugs are losers and that drugs melt people's brains. I would also let them know that I was gonna watch them like a hawk and make them tell me that they would not do this again. At the end I would be sure they understood that I loved them and remind them that I was watching them.
I would recommend putting some scare in your kid. Take away some freedom so he can't get pot, keep a watchful eye of the friends, and a closer eye on your son. He can only do what you can't see.
It could have been worse. Just get your child back on the right track. Good luck.
Puttin aside the fact that addiction may be hereditary; kids experiment with stuff growing up good and bad.
Luckily you watched closely enough that you found out your child was experimenting before your child got into trouble. That is a blessing in it's own right.
I don't know if I am right but I am a parent and if it were my kid I would ask them if they were freakin crazy, tell them that people who do drugs are losers and that drugs melt people's brains. I would also let them know that I was gonna watch them like a hawk and make them tell me that they would not do this again. At the end I would be sure they understood that I loved them and remind them that I was watching them.
I would recommend putting some scare in your kid. Take away some freedom so he can't get pot, keep a watchful eye of the friends, and a closer eye on your son. He can only do what you can't see.
It could have been worse. Just get your child back on the right track. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this issue with your son. It is tough on parents.
I think some of the suggestions posted above have been excellent. 20/20 hindsight for me, I wish I had understood codependency when my son first began experimenting with drugs and alcohol.
You and your son will be in my prayers. I'll pray that your HP will guide you as you deal with this issue with your son.
gentle hugs
I think some of the suggestions posted above have been excellent. 20/20 hindsight for me, I wish I had understood codependency when my son first began experimenting with drugs and alcohol.
You and your son will be in my prayers. I'll pray that your HP will guide you as you deal with this issue with your son.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Well I guess I should rephrase some of what I said in my previous post because that would be me reacting out of anger. I teach my children not to call names and would not address them by saying anyone was a loser.
Drugs do kill brain cells though, are harmful, cause memory loss, and impair one's funcionality which is what I meant by previously saying that drugs melted people's brains.
The words that would help my child might not be the same exact words that would help your child.
Do let your child know you are aware of the pot, the dangers of drugs, and tell him no more.
Afterwards, keep a close eye so you know what is going on. Try to get your son involved in more positive extracurricular activities. Christmas time is a great time to introduce new and fun things.
Drugs do kill brain cells though, are harmful, cause memory loss, and impair one's funcionality which is what I meant by previously saying that drugs melted people's brains.
The words that would help my child might not be the same exact words that would help your child.
Do let your child know you are aware of the pot, the dangers of drugs, and tell him no more.
Afterwards, keep a close eye so you know what is going on. Try to get your son involved in more positive extracurricular activities. Christmas time is a great time to introduce new and fun things.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
There is no right way to do this, but the wrong ones stand out like a beacon of don't go there if you want your child to have a chance.
All you did was find pot, keep it simple because you can not know what this means for the moment, for the future...
I agree with everything cynical wrote especially when I look at this as a 14 year old who was drinking till blackout, smoking pot, popping pills...educate, and be very honest about the fact that addiction is in the family, and you don't know, no one can no or predict the child themselves what will be.
All you did was find pot, keep it simple because you can not know what this means for the moment, for the future...
I agree with everything cynical wrote especially when I look at this as a 14 year old who was drinking till blackout, smoking pot, popping pills...educate, and be very honest about the fact that addiction is in the family, and you don't know, no one can no or predict the child themselves what will be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 508
I caught my son when he was 15 with pot in his room. I thought about it for several days (he was away at camp) and the more I thought about telling him "don't bring it in the house, don't let me catch you coming home high in my house, etc" the more I thought "hell no, no way, zero tolerance, he's just not going to do it period" I thought "what if he just hates me and turns against all parenting efforts, runs away,etc" and then I just said what happens, happens. I freaked on him and took away all his stuff for a very very long time. I called all of his friends parents and told them so they would know their kid could be doing it. He was livid about this. I have zero tolerance for lowering my expectations for my kids. Pot is a gateway drug and from what I've heard, it can be laced with anything these days. He told me he hated me and wanted to kill me.. yep, that's what he said. Had a whole load of crap about drugs some older guy told him that wasn't true. I basically kept him from going out and being with his friends for months. He's forgiven me, his grades are much higher (honor student with mid 80s now up to mid 90s). We are not our kids friends... Make a big statement. You set the tone of how things are going to be handled, do you want to give the impression that you will just stand by and watch him be destructive to himself?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Have more, it posted to soon...and wouldn't let me edit.
As Live wrote of her experience, not all children learn like that. They need it to be more personal, it has to hurt. I often wonder how many would have not carried this into adulthood if they were allowed to feel the little consequences... didn't have everyone jumping in to save them thinking way ahead to the bigger ones and maybe more so stuck in the omg my kid takes drugs that it is there life is over doom and gloom type thinking.
Watch your reactions, they are an addicts greatest means to learn lots of things most parents wouldn't never think to teach...like how to get around, how much they have to beg to, cry to, what they need to say to get a parent to give in. Also do not cushion, run in to make better if things go to hell...this is so important because those cushions allow a breathing room, allow the child to evaluate and find a way to get around what they found uncomfortable in that world....it is suppose to be uncomfortable after time using, it doesn't get better but get worse, and allowing it while hard always seemed so important...
My mother was the best teacher in the world, I actually tend to wonder if she didn't do the check the breath if I ever would have smoked pot at all, not my most favorite of drugs and if she didn't do the omg your eyes I would have taken pills in hopes to get around...and I know for damn sure I wouldn't have been sniffing glue or taking large amounts of DXM when I was punished....She somehow thought that locking me in, beating me, having others check up on me would stop my need to get high...it didn't...and you know what I can dismiss when she was forced to stop reacting to me how I started to care about myself enough to look at my behavior.
Someone wrote of the bullet proof, know it all...( sorry I forget who it was ) how many teens have this attitude, to their own demise in a situation where drugs are around and that is why educating them and not reacting becomes so important. No one was going to tell me what to do and still to this day that isn't going to fly...
And one more thing, always remember that your eyes show your heart...so if you feel disgust, anger, shame, guilt you will show that no matter what you words say. Balance is so important, being realistic, accepting you will not have control, now be able to manipulate that control as well....
Treat your child as a thinking, capable human with respect and love all the time this is one of the most important things any parent can do whether their child is using drugs or not...
As Live wrote of her experience, not all children learn like that. They need it to be more personal, it has to hurt. I often wonder how many would have not carried this into adulthood if they were allowed to feel the little consequences... didn't have everyone jumping in to save them thinking way ahead to the bigger ones and maybe more so stuck in the omg my kid takes drugs that it is there life is over doom and gloom type thinking.
Watch your reactions, they are an addicts greatest means to learn lots of things most parents wouldn't never think to teach...like how to get around, how much they have to beg to, cry to, what they need to say to get a parent to give in. Also do not cushion, run in to make better if things go to hell...this is so important because those cushions allow a breathing room, allow the child to evaluate and find a way to get around what they found uncomfortable in that world....it is suppose to be uncomfortable after time using, it doesn't get better but get worse, and allowing it while hard always seemed so important...
My mother was the best teacher in the world, I actually tend to wonder if she didn't do the check the breath if I ever would have smoked pot at all, not my most favorite of drugs and if she didn't do the omg your eyes I would have taken pills in hopes to get around...and I know for damn sure I wouldn't have been sniffing glue or taking large amounts of DXM when I was punished....She somehow thought that locking me in, beating me, having others check up on me would stop my need to get high...it didn't...and you know what I can dismiss when she was forced to stop reacting to me how I started to care about myself enough to look at my behavior.
Someone wrote of the bullet proof, know it all...( sorry I forget who it was ) how many teens have this attitude, to their own demise in a situation where drugs are around and that is why educating them and not reacting becomes so important. No one was going to tell me what to do and still to this day that isn't going to fly...
And one more thing, always remember that your eyes show your heart...so if you feel disgust, anger, shame, guilt you will show that no matter what you words say. Balance is so important, being realistic, accepting you will not have control, now be able to manipulate that control as well....
Treat your child as a thinking, capable human with respect and love all the time this is one of the most important things any parent can do whether their child is using drugs or not...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Lockport, IL
Posts: 2
As a twenty year old who was once fourteen and had a bag of grass in my room too i can say that you need to really explain it to him that this is just not good. I was the same way, i said its only pot and its ok because its not like hardcore drugs and ill never try heroin or coke but i did. And now im a recovering addict. I wish my parents cared more back then when i just had the pot. They didnt see it getting worse and kinda pretended it wasnt true. I advise for you to sit down and explain what i have said, that once you start using a drug, once one doesnt work you move up the ladder because now that you tried pot a painkiller or benzo isnt to much worse in your mind. You keep breaking boundries you never thought you would. Even if you never move past it, if you get caught driving high or in possession of it now you can get a record or end up in juvie or jail, then not be able to get a job in the future. I wish i could tell this guy to please stop now, trust me its for the better.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Originally Posted by PHRD
I caught my son when he was 15 with pot in his room. I thought about it for several days (he was away at camp) and the more I thought about telling him "don't bring it in the house, don't let me catch you coming home high in my house, etc" the more I thought "hell no, no way, zero tolerance, he's just not going to do it period" I thought "what if he just hates me and turns against all parenting efforts, runs away,etc" and then I just said what happens, happens. I freaked on him and took away all his stuff for a very very long time. I called all of his friends parents and told them so they would know their kid could be doing it. He was livid about this. I have zero tolerance for lowering my expectations for my kids. Pot is a gateway drug and from what I've heard, it can be laced with anything these days. He told me he hated me and wanted to kill me.. yep, that's what he said. Had a whole load of crap about drugs some older guy told him that wasn't true. I basically kept him from going out and being with his friends for months. He's forgiven me, his grades are much higher (honor student with mid 80s now up to mid 90s). We are not our kids friends... Make a big statement. You set the tone of how things are going to be handled, do you want to give the impression that you will just stand by and watch him be destructive to himself?
I thought he stopped and he even did for a while, but today 10 years later, he is addicted to harder stuff and is growing mushrooms for sale (at least he was when I asked him to leave our house).
I still think making a huge scene is the better way to go and would do it again if I could go back. What I wouldn't do was to trust him thereafter rather than seeing the signs that were there that he started using again.
Having said that, I think ultimately our children will or will not become addicts, regardless of our actions.
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