chicubs1

I'll be "celebrating" my first anniversary in recovery in a couple of weeks. The problem is I don't feel in much of a celebratory mood. In fact, I'm in sort of a reflective funk. In the last few weeks, all I can think about is who I hurt, how I hurt them, and even had some flashbacks. Some of them include things I've never remembered before (i.e. I remember some of what I did, but there are some additional - and very vivid - things I very well could've done in my drunken stupor and/or rage). I'm not sure if its my first sober Christmas or the anniversary, but I have to shake this. I'm very proud of what I've accomplished, but can't stop thinking about the past which is way out of character for me. Is this unusual? Any ideas?

NEOMARXIST

I think you should feel very proud about your sober time!! That's a great achievement but I know for me that I have to live in the day and not beat myself up about past regrets and mistakes. I used to do that all the time back when I was still in active alcoholism and it fed my drinking.

I know for me then my recovery has been about making ammends wherever possible and also not having any secrets. I used the "you're only as sick as your secrets" stuff to really get stuff addressed when I was around 9 months sober and I went down the mental health route as I would only trust professionals with the stuff that I had to talk about, address and work through. It was very painful at times but it had to be done. Didn't cost me a penny thanks to the NHS which I am incredibly grateful for.

I don't know if you attend AA but I know AA and the program is good for this sort of stuff, there are people there who will have done much worse I'm sure and who you can get this stuff out with, if you feel comfortable and trust them enough.

I know for me that 'one day at a time' is crucial to my daily recovery. Living in the present moment and embracing the good-times and working through the not-so-good times is where I need to be at.

All The best

drent

Try to make some new memories that you are proud of now. Maybe get outside your comfort zone and try to do some new things.

Dee74

Hi chicubs

I'm sorry you're feeling down. It is difficult to live with those little extra bits of memory you get.

The thing is, I had to draw a line in the sand. What happened, happened. I can't change or undo any of it so I have to learn to live with it.

It really is what we do today that counts.

We can live our lives the way we should or we can continously beat ourselves up for something that happened months, years ago...I dunno about you, but to me the latter seems pretty self indulgent now.

Maybe it time to forgive yourself. Focus on your new life. Celebrate this wonderful year you have.

I've tried to make amends where possible where I thought it would help the other person...& I try to do my best now not to have any more situations I have to make amends for (I'm not perfect on that score but I'm working on it...)

I don't think there's anymore we could ask of ourselves
D

LovesToTravel

Just for your information. I had a difficult time around the 1 year mark. Not quite sure but when it passed the feeling passed also. Congratulations on your sober time.

Ghostly

Congrats on the sober time chicubs. Sorry you're feelin down. I hope you can hang in there, and things turn around for you. Most of us have hurt people with our drinkin / using. I bet those in your life have forgiven you more than you know. You have given them a great gift with your sobriety. Good luck.

Kelsey

Congrats on one year! Each time a 30 day mark would roll around I sort of freaked out and felt odd about it but as the day passed so did the feeling. Again congrats, that's awesome stuff!

Anna

Hi Chicubs,

I struggled with the same thing, and even now at certain times, the memories flood in and overwhelm me.

What worked for me was journalling. Write down the negative stuff, get in on paper and you'll find that it helps you to release it.

Congratulations to you!

Eddiebuckle

Chicubs,

Congrats on your year! Tomorrow is my one year anniversary, and I went through a patch about six weeks ago, the thought of that day filled me with dread. I believe the problem (as it usually is for me) was that I was unconsciously projecting: that somehow once you pick up a one year medallion that there is no turning back. Forever is a long time, and some days tomorrow is too far ahead for me to wrap my brain around. Same holds true for the past - it is beyond my ability to process, especially when I'm not feeling all that strong. I'm happy to be here - joyous in this moment, because that's all any of us can ever truly do.

Wishing you all the best,
Edd