goldengirl3

My ex has been flipping out about spending the holidays alone this year.

Anyone else's?

I try not to worry about it or think about it much and stay away but this morning I had a moment where my heartstring was a little pulled and I thought about suggesting he come over on Christmas day.

I had a big reality check. I was about to try to "fix" it! Ugh. I thought, "Wow what a fixer I am."

Then later this morning I had to realize that "Does he worry about me?" No. In a few months he will be spending every weekend getting drunk with his friends again...will he think of me if I don't have anyone to hang out with? No.

Anyone else going through these thoughts?

Thumper

Yes. My xah is spiraling down so fast. It is so sad. He's been that way for awhile now and I think he's past the point of partying it up with friends in a couple of months.

He's at his sisters right now but trying to find a way back here.

Where we differ is that I have no desire to save him anymore. I wish, with all my heart, that he would stay out of state until he gets himself sorted out.

He needs inpatient therapy but apparently he doesn't think so. I don't talk to him but his sister calls me once in awhile.

Excellent job in identifying your need to 'fix' it and not reacting on the feeling alone.

goldengirl3

For the most part I do pretty well - but I guess I do have a tendency to feel too sorry for other people. I've been doing better over the last year or more to pull back on that.

At least the romantic part is so over on this that I don't have that temptation like I did in the past. That always kept me hooked. Now I'm just so blah about him. I couldn't bring myself to sleep with someone who is so drunk and not taking care of themselves, on top of treating you like crap.

Live

Here is a hug for you!

It is his choice to spend it alone! There are all kinds of things he could choose to do if he really wanted to spend it with other people.

Good job of catching the "fix it for him impulse in time!"

I can get sentimental about such things and then I need to refocus on what the reality is as you did.
There are much worse things than spending Christmas alone. I have in fact ENJOYED more than one Christmas by myself.

4mylittleones

My Ex wants to see the kids on Christmas day. Our situation is a little different. He decided he needed help again a little over 2 months ago. He completed inpatient treatment and I totally believe he hasn't had a drink in about 2 1/2 months. He has mentioned to me that he is completely open to see them whenever works for me because he has NO plans. I did feel bad at first, I think I would feel sympathy for anyone spending Christmas alone like him. He mentioned to me the next day that his local AA has an open house on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so he plans to go there if he doesn't have other plans. Sounds like a pretty good solution to me.

I realize he can decide to take a drink at any time, but what encourages me the most is the fact that he is WORKING his recovery this time.

Thumper

It feels good to make progress doesn't it? To slowly gain some clarity.

Maybe if you tweak your perception just a little bit it will help. In my case I no longer feel sorry for my xah. He can make a choice to have a different life if he wants it badly enough. He has a lot of things going for him. So while I do feel sad for him (because he has a sad life) I do not feel sorry for him (because he can have a different life if he chooses it).

Redheadsusie

Wow- I too have been feeling sorry for AH and his holidays. He stops by to pick up something and he looks so sad and depressed . I have to remind myself that he is a grown man - he makes these choices. He chose to not get help- he chose to isolate himself - to not see his 3 daughters - to treat my sons and me like dirt. I also have to remind myself he does not feel sorry for me at all. He is still leaving fairly heinous voice mails and I know truly he could care less about what happens to me. I don't ever want to wish bad on anyone- I wish him happiness - It just won't be with me! I can't fix people- I need to fix myself!

TakingCharge999

In a few months he will be spending every weekend getting drunk with his friends again...will he think of me if I don't have anyone to hang out with? No.

Or maybe he does this tomorrow.
It is really hard to realize they don't give a damn about you.
Over these couple of years of indirect contact with XABF I am sure anything can happen to me (or anyone else) and he wouldn't wink. In fact I remember he BRAGGED about this...

He is too busy drinking and using people.
Again another reason why I am no longer with him.

It hurts a lot but there is a promise for a better life having our codependency in check. And for getting to know people that are healthier, no longer in "evasion mode".

vujade

That's pretty much where I am. Although I do still have the guilt about the boys and have invited STBXAH's over for Christmas morning. I have the added whammy of Christmas day being his birthday. I've already heard the grief about that...his parents are going out of town for Christmas...he's going to be all alone. It does pull at my heart, but I'm ignoring it. Fake it till you make it, you know.

lillamy

There's some flipping out. Which I don't care a squirrel's behind about as long as he keeps it to himself. But he wants to "work on our relationship for the sake of the children" and wants to meet with me and talk about that this week. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, frankly. I just moved to a new house and I'm literally feeling like I'm in an episode of "Hoarders" and desperately spending every waking moment trying to bring some semblance of order into things before Christmas... and he doesn't understand why I can't take a few hours to come talk to him because he's lonely and sad?

He asked me why I was angry. Sweet baby corn. Maybe I would feel bad for him if he wasn't so utterly narcissistic and clueless.