Let's see how this one works.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 33
Let's see how this one works.
I am trying a new approach to things. My mother is my A
I am married, and besides that, I haven't lived at home for some time now. Why should I let the alcoholism affect me so badly. Why should I spend every spare moment I have with her and then some when she is drunk. Why should I worry myself sick.
The reality is, there is nothing I can do about her drinking. I can't help someone who isn't willing to help herself.
I made a vow during her last binge to not be around her when she is drunk.
And she does make a good honest effort to hide her drinking from me. Which I appreciate, because I don't want her to feel comfortable around me when she is drunk.
I guess I could say it is some way she shows respect for me.
Or maybe I could say she thinks I'm a total idiot.
Like the way she says she is going to bed at 4 in the afternoon because she has to wake up early to go out of town tomorrow, then she never goes out of town.
Or her drunk Facebook posts. I can tell by the words she uses that she is smashed.
I know that if I ignore it, it won't just go away. But maybe it will keep me sane longer?
I guess I will just see how this works out.
I am married, and besides that, I haven't lived at home for some time now. Why should I let the alcoholism affect me so badly. Why should I spend every spare moment I have with her and then some when she is drunk. Why should I worry myself sick.
The reality is, there is nothing I can do about her drinking. I can't help someone who isn't willing to help herself.
I made a vow during her last binge to not be around her when she is drunk.
And she does make a good honest effort to hide her drinking from me. Which I appreciate, because I don't want her to feel comfortable around me when she is drunk.
I guess I could say it is some way she shows respect for me.
Or maybe I could say she thinks I'm a total idiot.
Like the way she says she is going to bed at 4 in the afternoon because she has to wake up early to go out of town tomorrow, then she never goes out of town.
Or her drunk Facebook posts. I can tell by the words she uses that she is smashed.
I know that if I ignore it, it won't just go away. But maybe it will keep me sane longer?
I guess I will just see how this works out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by SoberClean 
I guess I could say it is some way she shows respect for me.
Or maybe I could say she thinks I'm a total idiot.
Or maybe I could say she thinks I'm a total idiot.
Originally Posted by SoberClean
I know that if I ignore it, it won't just go away. But maybe it will keep me sane longer?
Wishing you peace and continued strength.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to SR SoberClean!
Thanks for starting a new thread and sharing some of your story! I am sorry that your mother's alcoholism brings you here, but glad that you found us. You will find information and support for yourself here.
This is one of my favorite permanent (sticky) posts. It contains steps that have helped some of us when dealing with an addicted loved one.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Alanon meetings, this website and self-improvement books have helped me greatly.
Please pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home!
Thanks for starting a new thread and sharing some of your story! I am sorry that your mother's alcoholism brings you here, but glad that you found us. You will find information and support for yourself here.
This is one of my favorite permanent (sticky) posts. It contains steps that have helped some of us when dealing with an addicted loved one.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Alanon meetings, this website and self-improvement books have helped me greatly.
Please pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home!
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
SoberClean, what you are suggesting sounds like you are starting to "Let Go" of your mother. I have been married 40 years now to my DDH and I guess through those years I did learn how to detach from him. I became a very independent person. If I wanted something done, I would do it myself. I kept busy and went about my own life doing what I needed to do.
I learned not to rely upon my DDH for anything. Then last December my world was sent upside down by suffering a massive stroke. I no longer could be that independent person that I was. I needed assistance for almost everything at first. Slowly I'm learning how to regain my independence again. I still need to get a valid driver's license. My driver's license was suspended for medical reasons. I'm re-starting physical therapy this week, and hopefully learn how to live by myself. I suffer from mobility problems and have problems with my short-term memory recall. However, my DDH didn't step up to take on some of the responsibilities that I had previously carried all by myself, which I could no longer do. So I need to "Let Go" of him!"Letting Go"* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.
Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Hi SoberClean,
You sure sound like you are much more aware than I was around my alcoholic early on. That said, don't kick yourself about your feelings as she is your mother and if you love yours as much as I love mine it must be very, very hard to see what she is doing. Please understand that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
I empathize because my mother, and I'm a big-time mama's boy, has a life-threatening condition that is being managed, and every time I see a call from my step-father I have a heart attack.
It's such a helpless feeling.
I will share that my family and I did an intervention on my wife which did not go well at all. However, she did go into treatment and it did plant the seeds of recovery. Those seeds began to grow six years later (thank God she survived that long). In the meantime I found Al-Anon, and it saved my life. You can find it here: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Try a few meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you. I suggest at least six.
Take care,
Cyranoak
P.s. Nothing quite as sad/funny as a drunken Facebook post, eh?
You sure sound like you are much more aware than I was around my alcoholic early on. That said, don't kick yourself about your feelings as she is your mother and if you love yours as much as I love mine it must be very, very hard to see what she is doing. Please understand that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
I empathize because my mother, and I'm a big-time mama's boy, has a life-threatening condition that is being managed, and every time I see a call from my step-father I have a heart attack.
It's such a helpless feeling.
I will share that my family and I did an intervention on my wife which did not go well at all. However, she did go into treatment and it did plant the seeds of recovery. Those seeds began to grow six years later (thank God she survived that long). In the meantime I found Al-Anon, and it saved my life. You can find it here: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Try a few meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you. I suggest at least six.
Take care,
Cyranoak
P.s. Nothing quite as sad/funny as a drunken Facebook post, eh?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 33
Thank you for all the replies.
*caution lots of random rambling ahead*
"10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem", much easier said than done.
Even #1 I've read a few books on alcoholism, and I still feel like there is so much I don't know about it. What are some of our favorite books on the subject? Is there some sort of reputable organization that I could order most of my books through?
I am guilty of breaking each and every one of those rules. Especially #2. As mean as this sounds, having an alcoholic mother is just plain embarrassing. For the longest time I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about my mother's sickness. I could call it protecting her, or I could call it protecting myself. Maybe it is a bit of both. But it was so liberating to finally admit that to someone outside of the circle of people she hurts by doing it, that she does have a problem. I have been to 2 alanon meetings so far. Those were several months ago. I grew very uncomfortable at my second meeting for reasons i'm not sure if i want to say yet, but I do plan on giving alanon another try.
I have seen my mom again since my last post. She admitted to me that she is drinking again. This time, she is drinking beer because it doesn't give her a bad hangover like the hard stuff does. Her last binge was one wine. She told me then that she was drinking wine for the same reasons she is now drinking beer, and also because wine has health benefits
When she told me she is drinking again, I told her I already knew that. I don't know why, but whenever she confesses something like that to me I always feel like I need to make it clear that I know she is still drinking.
She said that nobody notices that she is buzzing when she is drinking beer. (I don't think I've seen her sober enough in the last few years to know there is a difference) It just helps her deal with things better. From her perspective, her bf that she lives with is a complete jerk most of the time, and being buzzed helps her brush it off better. From my perspective, those two can't just be happy together. When things are going good, she either has to find something to fight about, or else he does. I have definitely seen both sides start arguments simply because things have been going good for too long
Self medicating is a phrase I have only recently become familiar with. It describes exactly what my mother does.
I feel from time to time, when she is on her really bad binges, that she is actually trying to kill herself. I think it is more than a feeling. I think she has actually said that she thinks she is going to die (but of course she throws a fit at the idea of going to the ER). I have come over to her looking like the grim reaper is at her side on several occasions.
Sometimes I try to focus all of her attention on what she has to live for. She has told me she would be surprised if she made it to 50, her drinking has only become problematic in the past couple years, our first intervention being about 18 months ago, her 50th birthday now being less than 3 months away.
I need to visit her in the next two days for Christmas. I'm just terrified that I'm going to find her on another binge. Merry fn Christmas to me. If I were really a strong person, I would wait for her to invite me over, but I'm not. and I am very much a mommy's girl. I know I will initiate the contact.
OK, end ramble
*caution lots of random rambling ahead*
"10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem", much easier said than done.
Even #1 I've read a few books on alcoholism, and I still feel like there is so much I don't know about it. What are some of our favorite books on the subject? Is there some sort of reputable organization that I could order most of my books through?
I am guilty of breaking each and every one of those rules. Especially #2. As mean as this sounds, having an alcoholic mother is just plain embarrassing. For the longest time I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about my mother's sickness. I could call it protecting her, or I could call it protecting myself. Maybe it is a bit of both. But it was so liberating to finally admit that to someone outside of the circle of people she hurts by doing it, that she does have a problem. I have been to 2 alanon meetings so far. Those were several months ago. I grew very uncomfortable at my second meeting for reasons i'm not sure if i want to say yet, but I do plan on giving alanon another try.
I have seen my mom again since my last post. She admitted to me that she is drinking again. This time, she is drinking beer because it doesn't give her a bad hangover like the hard stuff does. Her last binge was one wine. She told me then that she was drinking wine for the same reasons she is now drinking beer, and also because wine has health benefits
When she told me she is drinking again, I told her I already knew that. I don't know why, but whenever she confesses something like that to me I always feel like I need to make it clear that I know she is still drinking.
She said that nobody notices that she is buzzing when she is drinking beer. (I don't think I've seen her sober enough in the last few years to know there is a difference) It just helps her deal with things better. From her perspective, her bf that she lives with is a complete jerk most of the time, and being buzzed helps her brush it off better. From my perspective, those two can't just be happy together. When things are going good, she either has to find something to fight about, or else he does. I have definitely seen both sides start arguments simply because things have been going good for too long
Self medicating is a phrase I have only recently become familiar with. It describes exactly what my mother does.
I feel from time to time, when she is on her really bad binges, that she is actually trying to kill herself. I think it is more than a feeling. I think she has actually said that she thinks she is going to die (but of course she throws a fit at the idea of going to the ER). I have come over to her looking like the grim reaper is at her side on several occasions.
Sometimes I try to focus all of her attention on what she has to live for. She has told me she would be surprised if she made it to 50, her drinking has only become problematic in the past couple years, our first intervention being about 18 months ago, her 50th birthday now being less than 3 months away.
I need to visit her in the next two days for Christmas. I'm just terrified that I'm going to find her on another binge. Merry fn Christmas to me. If I were really a strong person, I would wait for her to invite me over, but I'm not. and I am very much a mommy's girl. I know I will initiate the contact.
OK, end ramble
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
P.s. Nothing quite as sad/funny as a drunken Facebook post, eh?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Wow,
You are struggling with this.
My father was an alcoholic and after my parents divorced, I barely spoke to him.
I didnt trust him. I knew he was a nasty drunk. Not violent, but mean with the sarcastic comments. Heartbreaking to me, but he thought he was being clever.
Have you tried another alanon meeting? It is so good to talk to others who understand.
I am a recovering alcoholic, (14 years) and I have three children.
I think you are very perceptive and intuitive. Keep yourself open to learning about alcoholism.
Well, I can share my experience with you if you have questions and I do wish you
a very Merry Christmas.
Do what makes you happy honey, please.
Beth
You are struggling with this.
My father was an alcoholic and after my parents divorced, I barely spoke to him.
I didnt trust him. I knew he was a nasty drunk. Not violent, but mean with the sarcastic comments. Heartbreaking to me, but he thought he was being clever.
Have you tried another alanon meeting? It is so good to talk to others who understand.
I am a recovering alcoholic, (14 years) and I have three children.
I think you are very perceptive and intuitive. Keep yourself open to learning about alcoholism.
Well, I can share my experience with you if you have questions and I do wish you
a very Merry Christmas.
Do what makes you happy honey, please.
Beth
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
A couple of books I'd recommend are: 'Under the Influence' and 'Co dependent No More'. I'd also recommend reading the stickied posts at the top of the forum. They will give you many, many pictures of the consequences of coping with an alcoholic in your life and an idea about the progression of the disease all written by people like yourself who found SR and shared their experiences.
There is even a forum for adult children of alcoholic parents with their own stickies too: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information Have you been there?
There is even a forum for adult children of alcoholic parents with their own stickies too: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information Have you been there?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
This is from one of our sticky posts.
I found it when I first came to SR. It helped me greatly in understanding how a person can become completely addicted to alcohol.
This link contains excerpts from the book "under the influence":
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
I found it when I first came to SR. It helped me greatly in understanding how a person can become completely addicted to alcohol.
This link contains excerpts from the book "under the influence":
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 33
Thanks for the links! I wasn't sure if ACOA forum was more appropriate for me, or this one, somewhere along the line I got the impression you had to grow up with an A to be considered an ACOA. My mother did have problems with different addictions while I was growing up, but I was blissfully unaware of them until recent years. I will make myself comfortable over there as well!
I just ordered Under the Influence and after I read that, I will order Codependent No More. I noticed a few years back that I like to surround myself with books, but that I don't always read them, so I came up with a rule for myself that I can't purchase more than one book at a time. lol. From what I have read of the excerpts, the book sounds very informative.
I just ordered Under the Influence and after I read that, I will order Codependent No More. I noticed a few years back that I like to surround myself with books, but that I don't always read them, so I came up with a rule for myself that I can't purchase more than one book at a time. lol. From what I have read of the excerpts, the book sounds very informative.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there SoberClean, and pleased to "meet" you
You are most welcome in _both_ You'll find that most the folks in ACoA participate over here as well. It's that way in real life meetings too. You walk into one program and half the people there you saw yesterday in the other one.
That's the way ACoA started some 30 years ago. We've progressed quite a bit since then 
Nowadays we've given up the whole "alcoholic" / "addict" thing and recognize that it's the "toxic" behavior that causes harm, the particular details of the addiction are irrelevant.
Mike
Originally Posted by SoberClean
.... I wasn't sure if ACOA forum was more appropriate for me, or this one....
You'll find that most the folks in ACoA participate over here as well. It's that way in real life meetings too. You walk into one program and half the people there you saw yesterday in the other one.
Originally Posted by SoberClean
....somewhere along the line I got the impression you had to grow up with an A to be considered an ACOA ....
Nowadays we've given up the whole "alcoholic" / "addict" thing and recognize that it's the "toxic" behavior that causes harm, the particular details of the addiction are irrelevant.Mike
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by SoberClean
I would very much appreciate you sharing your experience with me. I will try to think of some questions to ask. Feel free to send me a private message if you prefer that!
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