celticghirl

Hi all well im a bit fed up and thought id come on here and get some things off my chest.

When i was with exabf i fell out with one of my long time friends and most of her family because he caused trouble round their house and broke a window,i ended up paying for the broken window because i felt guilty about it and they were blaming me more than him anyway so just to end it i paid the money.

Anyway on my way to work today i seen my friends sister and she totally walked past me and had a complete attitude,and it really ruined my whole day,i dont know why really because if im honest with myself they were never really friends anyway,more familiar than anything else but it has really upset me and its started off a whole load of other depressing thoughts.

I know the reason why they blame me and its because i went back with him time and time again even when it started affecting people it shouldnt have like my mum,dad,etc etc....

Im so angry and annoyed with myself for taking him back all those times and seeing her has triggered those feelings in me again,they are always there but this has really set me back,i could have cried my eyes out tonight when i told my mum but i stopped myself because i was trying not to make it a bigger issue than it was but to be honest it is a big issue to me because i feel like crap.

I am ashamed of myself for taking him back after everything he did,im ashamed of participating in the madness,and i was participating quite willingly,which is why i blame myself and let others do also.

I dont know if this makes any sense to anyone but i needed to get this out,i would be very gratefull on your thoughts and advice on how i deal with these feelings.

Thanks
Ghirl xx

wicked

I am so sorry celticghirl.
that sucks when friends and family see you as the bad person.
I was perceived as the "bad" one because I initiated the divorce.
My mother in law said we needed to communicate better.
YOu must have two sober) people engaged to have a conversation.
If it has come to this, people will change, give them time
Or, give them the boot and get new friends.

Beth

I wish it were as easy to make new friends like I say.
sigh...giving advice and not an experience.
sorry
i feel for you, i got the cold shoulder for a long time and i have a major depressive disorder, when i am in the valley, i cant see the sunlight.
then i remember to start moving and climb.

Beth

Live

It does hurt me too when someone acts like that towards me too, esp when I have had no bad intention towards them.
Usually it is because it has triggered something within me as it sounds like it has with you. What is done is done and is in the past. They weren't walking in your boots at the time, who knows really what they would have done?
It doesn't matter now.
Try not to give it too much space in your head and heart.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

keepinon

Much like the addict has to deal with the consequences of their addiction, we have fallout from our codependency.Shame is a really hard emotion..it can serve the purpose of making sure we don't make the same mistakes again, but beyond that can be so toxic. Sorry you are having a hard time...is there any way you can use this in your recovery? An amends may be in order..doesn't mean you have to be friends..just if your actions hurt them, some acknowledgement on your part may help your feelings about it.

brokenheartfool

They were validating his sickness, but not your own. They don't understand codependency. They think you should have been wiser, smarter, stronger. It is only their ignorance. They thought he had a real illness, but they don't realize that you did too.

Phoenixthebird

celticghirl,
I, too, did things that I'm ashamed of and embarrassed about. That was yesterday and yesterday's gone! I can't live off of yesterday - that's in the past. I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then. A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than yesterday. It doesn't have anything to do with yesterday or tomorrow, it's all right now. The regrets of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow can kill you. Today's accomplishments were yesterday's impossibilities. Tomorrow hopes we have learned something from yesterday. We crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow. We must not be hampered by yesterday's myths in concentrating on today's needs. Yesterday is but today's memory, and tomorrow is today's dream. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose. You can build on yesterday's success or put its failures behind and start over again. Don't waste your time away thinkin' 'bout yesterday's blues. Clogged with yesterday's excess, the body drags the mind down with it. Don't let yesterday use up too much of today. I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday. I believe in living today. Not in yesterday, nor in tomorrow. Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Each day is the scholar of yesterday. All we can do is be better prepared today than yesterday and better prepared tomorrow than today. Glorify who you are today, do not condemn who you were yesterday, and dream of who you can be tomorrow. You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.

Love and Peace,

Phoenix

theuncertainty

Oh, man, CelticGhirl. I know what it feels like to be so disappointed with myself for going back to him, for staying with him in spite of all the cr-p he's done. All I can say is what I needed to hear (and luckily did hear from amazingly supportive friends and family): there were reasons that you stayed, that you went back. That you did is no reflection on your worth as a friend, family member, woman or person. Do not blame yourself or let others blame you for his actions.

I'm sorry your friend and her family haven't been able to support you through this. IMO, I think it's OK to be upset by your friend's sister's actions; it's OK to grieve the loss of the friendship, and it's important to give yourself the time you need to cry.

Like Wicked, I wish it were so easy to make new friends and to move on from others who are no longer good for us.

Take gentle care of yourself. Wishing you strength, peace and safety, Celticghirl.

Cyranoak

...when my AW and I were in the thick of it, I had become so unpleasant and depressing to be around with or without AW, so isolated, so duplicitous and so blind that I alienated many of my friends and family.

I think of them as collateral damage now. As my wife and I were "shooting" at each other, a lot of innocent people were hit (none more so than my daughter).

Since I've found recovery, some of these folks have forgiven me, others have not, and some never will. However, I have forgiven myself and that makes all the difference in the world.

You take care CelticGhurl. It's OK if they don't like you. Eff them. It's not OK if you don't like you. Your job now is to like you, and to never bring another alcoholic/addict person into your life. You can do it.

Cyranoak

lillamy

Exactly.

I have a very strained relationship with one of my friends -- we've been friends for over 10 years -- because of a discussion we had that didn't even center on me. She witnessed a situation where a father was being verbally abusive to a child in public, and she said that "the mother was clearly in on the abuse, too, because she just stood there and looked at the ground and didn't say a word."

I told her that it could be that the mother didn't intervene because she didn't dare, because she was being abused, too. And my friend responded that "any woman who lets the father of her children say such vile things to their children should have the kids taken away from her."

It hurts on an extremely deep level when people don't get it. When people don't understand that when it comes to these things, even the strongest of us can be reduced to people we don't even recognize. And we feel more shame and responsibility and guilt than anyone can ever heap on us. We don't need help with that part.

celticghirl

hi thankyou for all your replys much appreciated its great to be able to come here and get advice and feel comfrtable being myself,i know i need to, well infact, want to start liking myself as i really dont think i have for a long time.

I must say after i had a sleeplast night and went to work today it didnt hurt as much as yesterday and i wasnt so angry,i can atleast learn something from that,usually i would make impulsive decisions and then later regret them,im the sort of person that needs to get over the worst of my feelings before making any decisions and my decision is to do nothing,i feel that i really dont need to explain somebody elses actions and if my so called friend was a friend in the first place they would already know what hell i was going through.

Thanks
Ghirl xxx