janitorking

since i'm unfortunately a little shaky on the whole 'higher power' thing i'm trying to, in it's place, every time i have a craving, (which is every 5 seconds) recall how alcohol has never made anything better. it makes everything really f*cking horrible in an inexplicable way. every relapse is worse than the last and none of the reasons i relapsed in the first place have gone away after said relapse. instead, they've only intensified. i never could have imagined as a kid that the hardest thing to accomplish in my life was going to be to simply stay sober. it basically comes down to weighing pros and cons. do i drink and feel better (incredible actually) for the first 20 minutes of what usually ends up being a two day binge or not drink, feel miserable and crazy for a little bit for not being able to drink, and feel much better in the long run? seems like the answer should be simple and it is but the s.o.b. that is alcohol is, oh what's that saying, cunning, baffling and powerful. want to punch holes in walls right now.

Dee74

Have you seen a doctor JK?

D

janitorking

i see lots of doctors Dee. this isn't meant to sound like i'm annoyed by your question but what could a doctor do to help cravings that ravage my mind, body and soul? i don't have much faith in medication even though i'm on a sh*tload of it. that coupled with psycho therapy and addiction therapy and you're still left with a guy who can't keep his sh*t together.

Anna

JK, I'm really sorry things are looking so dismal right now.

It does sound like you're doing what you can to help the situation.

I'm sending prayers for you to find peace.

least

Give yourself time to heal. The longer you're sober, the fewer cravings you'll get. I rarely get them now and those I do get are easily dismissed.

janitorking

alcohol isn't always the worst part about a relapse. it's the agonizing weeks before taking that first drink and feeling yourself spiraling downward. i liken alcoholism in many ways to extreme obsessive compulsive disorder. you (or at least in my case) repeatedly obsess over the hows and whys. how you could hide it from your loved ones and coming up with excuses as to why it's better to hide your drinking from them as opposed to being honest and sharing your struggles and sufferings. it's a sickening cycle of decaying thoughts overshadowed by an intense need to satisfy a chemical need.

TwoJacks

Have you asked your doctor about Naltrexone? It really helps me with my cravings. Good luck.

Dee74

I know members here have consulted with their Drs over cravings and over anxiety. Just trying to help JK.

I wouldn't give you recommendations because a/I've never used any medications and b/ what might be right for someone else may not be right for you anyway.

Like I say, I didn't see a Dr...I just knew as bad as I felt - and I did feel bad - that I was moving in the right direction - going back to where I came was not an option.

I know that slide. too...like a long fall through molasses....from this side of it? the very best thing to do IMO - although it's the hardest thing on earth - is to reach out and ask for help.

(I realise you know that now, JK, but I think it bears repeating for anyone else who might be reading)

Hope you feel better soon.
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janitorking

i know you're trying to help Dee and i truly do appreciate it. sorry if i seemed annoyed. i'm just really tired of having this disease and i've tried so many approaches at recovery.