Lunaaa

Ex addict abusive bf says he wants to keep intouch with me every now and then,that he knows he is wrong,that what he did was unacceptable and awful . That all he asks for is to call sometimes and talk to me. should i accept that or not? and if not what do i do? tell him straight i dont want to or just dont answer his calls? i'm really confused.

Live

That sounds like a recipe for trouble to me. I would advise not answering the phone calls at all. The last time it was only to exchange text books, right. Except it was about a whole lot more than that.

Why would you want someone to be a "friend" who had ever treated you that way? That isn't friendly.

This is just a bunch more words. From someone who doesn't deserve to have anything at all to do with you in my opinion.

atalose

I guess I would have to ask you, why would you WANT to accept that? What benefit would YOU get out of that? What’s going through your mind that would make it ok for someone who abused you and is actively using drugs to remain in touch with you at HIS convenience?

tam

if he is actively using drugs I would say no. maybe write down or think of why you should talk to him. are there any good reasons?

Babyblue

I wouldn't speak to him while he is still using. And even if he were clean I'd only consider speaking to him if he was in treatment and therapy.

There are consequences for abusing people and that is to lose them from your life. If he isn't witnessing the consequences fully then he may do it to someone else thinking that they will forgive anyway. Forgiveness is fine but that is for you and not to lessen his guilt.

Communication with should be based upon what YOU need and want, not to make him feel less troubled by his actions.

ItsmeAlice

My experience has taught me that in a healthy relationship where a couple stays in touch and remains friends it is a way to hang onto a part of that relationship that is comfortable, caring, and fulfills a need.

In the case of an addictive and abusive relationship, the same applies but in a far more sinister way. Hanging on to addiction and abuse is dangerous and fulfills only the needs of the abuser. He'll come around when he needs an enabler or an outlet for his behavior.

He said he was sorry. I struggle to believe him. If he truly understood what he did and what it means to you to be out of this relationship, then he would leave you alone entirely.

You asked a question....for what it's worth, my answer is NO. Only you can choose what you are comfortable with. At SR, we will support you whatever you decide.

Alice

Kindeyes

Lunaaa
Chances are you won't get an answer from anyone here that says what you may be wanting to hear. If you were my son's girlfriend, I would beg you to stay away from him so that he can learn that it's not ok to use drugs and abuse women.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs

Ann

Abuse would never get a second chance with me.

It's entirely up to you what to do, but personally I would totally cut contact with anyone who had ever abused me even once.

Hugs

Live

Lunaa...I have seen that used as an excuse for a kind of stalking also.

ZombieWife

Your choice in the end, but I will say this . . .

I don't imagine there is a single person here who hasn't heard this before from their addict.

I believed the line (twice) then finally called my RAH on his BS.

It's great to admit you have a problem.
It's great to admit you did something wrong.
It's great to say, "I acted in an unacceptable way."

But, what are his actions going to tell you?

Words are worthless in a time like this when you need a substantial amount of stability and positive/healthy action.

When you start judging by their actions and holding them accountable TO their actions, things tend to change.

The best piece of advice I can give is not to let the words go to your head. Many of us have (probably) wanted vindication of some sort--to turn our addicts into witnesses to our own suffering, to get them to say, "I'm sorry," or "wow, how messed up was I?" The moment you start thinking, "okay, they finally GOT IT," is the moment you usually get your proverbial butt handed to you (read "butt" as "trust").

It takes longer than this.

Is it a start? Sure. But there's more than words now. Protect yourself above all.

Sunshine2

Lunaaa, my XH concept of staying friends was "keeping in touch until your defences are low and I can swoop in again". I tried being friends a couple of times, but for him being friends never meant just that. I had to cut him out of my life totally before the madness ended.

Freedom1990

Agreed. This man is an abuser, no way around that.

There is no value whatsoever in maintaining any sort of contact.

MissTara

Lunaaa,

In my expierence, you will not be able to find your serenity if you stay friends. I agree with everyone who replied here. I struggled with this too recently. Still do a lot of days. I can not be my exab's friend, because for me....it will not stop there. I will want more. And believe me, I would get it....too much more than what I would be asking for. This would ruin all of my progress. That would ruin your progress and hinder your recovery. The grass can be greener on this side if you want it to be girl....take care of you.

nodaybut2day

As soon as I read the word "abusive", my immediate answer was "No".

There would be no benefit, IMO, in pursuing any kind of contact with someone like that.

I would simply not answer any emails or texts or phone call.

Lunaaa

Okay I tried to answer the question most of you guys here asked which is why would i still want to talk to him. I really cant find any reason.
I also asked myself is it what i want? i dont know either. all i know is i cant say no to him,and i dont find a way out without feeling quilty and wrong,When he asks something from me,it's like he's pushing a button and i cant do anything other than agree,nomatter how i fight and resist and tell him it's not right i always seem to say it the wrong way,like i dont mean it way! I would ignore his calls and not answer his texts for a while until i start denying again,denying what he did and pretend it never happened,i dont know where that come from and why i do it ,seems i've been practicing it for a long time with him that it became natural to me.
why would i still talk to him?? are there any good reasons to stay in touch with him? We cant even be good friends so icant find any true reason other than this : BECAUSE ITS WHAT HE WANTS.

Lunaaa

tam,i dont know if he weather he is still using or not,last time he tried to contact me he said he is clean but i dont know if he is.

MissTara

Lunaaa, I used to say the same thing as you are right now "all i know is i cant say no to him" With me, the thing was....I COULD say no to him....I just did not want to. There is a big difference there and I hope one day you can figure it out for you as well....

goldengirl3

You want to keep a connection to him.

Questions on why:

Curiousity? So that you know what is going on with him? It makes you feel good that you've crossed his mind when he contacts you? You feel like you aren't forgotten? Or that you were special enough for a moment that he thought of you?

You can't make up your mind what you want so you keep talking to him while you can't decide...to keep the option open?

Each communication you are hoping maybe this time it will be different?

Just some ideas.

goldengirl3

One more: You're keeping him hooked juuuust a little so that he won't move on?

I'm ashamed to admit I did that once.

Lunaaa

goldengirl,that's scarely true.i'm really all the time curious how he feels,what he thinks and weather or not he wants me. each commuinication i'm desperate to feel love from him.its like there's this huge hole i'm trying to fill.