beautifulgirl

Good evening, The last time I visited was in May after discovering my husband was snorting pills. He went into a treatment program. All seemed well at first until he started slipping back. I did not notice. Others aroung me were suspicious though. They were right.

We had a scary night. I was sitting at the table on my laptop and I thought my husband was sleeping on the couch. Next thing I knew he was up and punched my computer with a closed fist. I went a little bizerk(sp?). Then he started asking what happened and who did it. At this point I knew he was messed up. He had no clue what he did. He was not present at the time.
I told him to leave. He refused. The following day I made him sign off the bank account and give me all the credit cards and told him he could stay under the condition that he would not have any access to any of our accounts and no drugs.

He is now seeing a psychiatrist who is drug testing him regularly and giving him vistoral and tegratol.

I don't trust him at all. He is a theif and a liar but I am too weak to try to get out or get him out at this moment. Right now I know he means well. He is going off of emotion and means that he will never do drugs again but the memory of these emotions will wear off and he will be back again.

I don't want him to die but I feel like I am waiting for it and praying he does not take us with him.

We have 5 young children. I can't even get out to go to a support group one day a week. Can you please offer me some support? Thanks and I am so sorry to any of you who have been through this with a loved one. It is awful.

keepinon

Yokes..if you can't get to a meeting how about ordering some alanon literature..amazon has lots of used alanon books pretty cheap. If ther is ANY way to get to face to face meeting (trading babysitting with a friend/neighbor ..something) I would highly reccomend it.

beautifulgirl

Thank you for your response. Just to have communication with someone else is extremely awesome.
I do not have any relationship with my neighbors at all. I do have a mother's helper but I will not leave her alone with my children because my 2 yr old has autism and I am very scared of something happening to him when I go away. He loves water, he loves doors, and climbs everything. No one is prepared for him. I have to make it until he is 3 and then he will get to go to school for part of the day.

greeteachday

Keep read9ing and posting...when I was living the problems of addiction day in and day out it was such a huge help to read here and know I wasn't alone. I also read whatever i could get my hands on. keep the focus on you and the little ones - I'm so sorry you are going through this.

beautifulgirl

Hi Greet, Thank you. I will definitely keep reading. I am so sorry for everyone that is going through this or has with a loved one but I am so thankful that others can relate to me.
My kids are what keeps me going. I am going through the motions for them. My husband was going to leave until my kids begged him to stay. He told them he had to go because he was a bad dad.
My 9 yr old who has autism at first thought his autism was the reason he was leaving. After hearing his dad say he was a bad dad he said to his dad that he did not have to leave, he could just be a better dad.
Heartbreaking.

newnormal4me

beautifulgirl, do you have respite services available in your area/state? I know in my area there are respite services for children with special needs. This could at least help you find care for your little 2 year old. Just a thought. Sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. I also am having a hard time coming up with a plan to get back to IRL meetings again. Working full time, with two young ones (one has special needs), it is difficult. It already sounds like you have a solid approach to things. Hugs to you.

Kindeyes

beautifulgirl
You have a lot on your plate right now and of course we are all here to support you in any manner that we can. You are not alone. Just knowing that offers tremendous relief for me and I hope it does for you too.

With five children it would be difficult to get away for a little while for a meeting. There are several books that are available to help you if you are interested. Here are a few:

One Day at a Time (Alanon book)
Courage to Change (Alanon book)
Sharing Experience Strength & Hope (Naranon book)
CoDependent No More (Melody Beattie)
Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps (Melody Beattie)

There are also many pamphlets available through Naranon and Alanon. You can go to the link below and it will take you to the place where you can order the literature:

Nar-Anon Literature

Take care of yourself and those beautiful children.

gentle hugs

kiki5711

wow, sorry to hear this. I don't know what to say.

beautifulgirl

Good morning, I am not sure if we have respite services in our area. I will have to look into that.
I will look for, order, and read books, and anything that can help make me a better mom.
I am in this for my children. I want my own life of course but I am here to care for them at this point.
Thank you all for your kind words. It is helping me to read others posts knowing I am not in this alone.

Lunaaa

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I also have difficulty attending CODA,after finding a meeting in my country and even attending the meetings were canceled because no one is regulary attending .i was so dissappointed because i had waited so long to be able to attend ,and was putting alot of hope on it. I had to so something to be able to continue my recovery so i've ordered some books from Amazon: Codependent's guide to the twelve steps ,Codepentent no more and The language of letting go , all by Melody Beattie. These books are really helpful to those who have codependency issues,they work just fine for me. so i advise you to order some books if you cant attend any meetings due to your condition,you'll be able to go on with recovery process and not mess things up at home.

beautifulgirl

Codependency? I had to google that because I was not sure what that was however there should have been a photo of me next to the definition. That is so fitting to me.
I have so much to learn. Don't we all.

Lunaaa

That's how i felt first time i read about it. I first heard the term,was totally unfamiliar with it,along with the term enabling ,didnt know what that meant either,when i googled both i discovered i was a codie plus an enabler. Codependency and enabling is the reason we get trapped in such painful sitiuations,relationships with addicts.its our pattern of behaviour .

ras15012

beutifulgirl,I work with a special needs girl.Andd her brither has austism As well.There is so many services out there to help you.They can get someone in there help him while he is growing.They went to a local health center and spoke with social service and he gets 34 week.they also will go to school with them when the time comes.and split the hours up.That realy helped her out.I hope that helps.

tam

beautifulgirl, Im so sorry your going through this. Please keep reading and posting on here it truly is a blessing, you will receive so much support but most importantly you will learn coping skills. One day at a time, continue
taking care of the children thats the main thing as you seem to be doing just that, your a great mom!
hugs!

ZombieWife

I visit an online chat session (with a chat room) once a week. It helps so much.

I go to either an online alanon or a naranon.

Having a small child myself and school/work, I know how difficult it can be to arrange an hour for yourself. I sure with some of these places had daycare around here. (Not that I could afford it if I had to pay, haha.)

I don't think I can put another website's url on here for whatever reason. So, I can PM you the details.

litehorse

beautifulgirl - welcome to sr - you will find much support and encouragement here - i will pray for you and your sweet children - please continue to post here and find all avenues of help you can - it's a tough road - blessings

beautifulgirl

I feel the love from you all. Thank you so much.

I am receiving services for my 2 yr old but the services for his age are only twice a week for 2 hours total and I must be present during the therapy. I am not sure what else is out there but I will research it.

I will be at those online support chat sessions. I could really use it.

I have got to read how to help myself and my children. It is extremely tough.

Cynical One, I only know what my husband told me. For all I know he is swinging from vines when he is not home. I really have no idea. His doc called me and told me she is drug testing him and checking his blood weekly. He had no drugs in his system yesterday. He snorts these pills. I forget what they are called but he said they are like heroin.

Today was a very trying day. It is really tough, really tough.

FeelingStuck

Beautifulgirl...*hug* You're stronger than you know! Your small "clip" of what your living is bringing tears down my face. The description of your husband was the description of my now ex-husband. I'm not crying for that...that makes my stomach turn....I cry for the pain you feel, what you're living day in and day out, and for your little ones...I know where you're at. The fact you are living each day, dealing, and managing your life and the lives of 5 children proves how STRONG YOU ARE. Don't allow your emotions to make you feel weak. Living with an addict takes such a toll on your own health, physically and mentally...as well as the children's....take care of YOU...take care of your KIDS. Be confident in your strength...and put trust in each step you take in putting yourself and your kids first...you become even stronger with each of those steps forward.
I'm happy you're here...this site actually gave me courage and allowed me to look at reality, different perspectives, and what's important in my life. Having people that had situations that mirrored mine made me realize I wasn't alone...and offered support I trusted. I hope it will do the same for you.
A visual that really put things into perspective for me was this:
I drew a grid, writing the most important thing in my life in the center box, and kept writing all the other things in my life that were of importance in each of the boxes, more important being closer to the center, of less importance as I moved outwards from the center. Then I took a marker and drew a slash through each thing he negatively impacted in any way, shape, or form in my life....then I sat and looked at what was not crossed out...that symbolized what I had left in my life....I think I had ONE box left open...and it was something of minimal importance. You know it in your head...but looking at the visual has a different impact and effect. Try it...
I hope I was able to offer you some strength, courage, and love. I feel for you...and I pray for you to reach a point of complete happiness, love, health and safety...because YOU DESERVE THAT. You and your children are in my thoughts.

beautifulgirl

As Christmas nears and families come together some families will separate. Today I told my husband to go. God give me strength.

smacked

Personally, I think that is probably the best Christmas gift you could have given yourself, and your beautiful children. I'll send you all the strength I can muster.